Divorce is good for kids because 'it's important to teach them to struggle' Watch

shooks
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So says Kate Winslet, anyway.

"Winslet, 39, who has three children, told this week’s edition of Harper’s Bazaar UK magazine that she tried to turn negative experiences into positive ones and would not want to change anything in her personal life, such as her two divorces.

“I think it’s very important to teach your children to struggle on some level,” she said." From The Independent
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BefuddledPenguin
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Well everyone deals with adversity, my parents' divorce was a relief to me, as I disliked my dad, but the issue there was that due to the pressure of having to conform to the unnecessary two parent idyll I was constantly having to move back and forth which was more of an issue than the divorce itself. I found moving to a new place exciting.

I think it can be positive but it depends on how the parents choose to explain it to the child.
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Ebony19
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(Original post by shooks)
So says Kate Winslet, anyway.

"Winslet, 39, who has three children, told this week’s edition of Harper’s Bazaar UK magazine that she tried to turn negative experiences into positive ones and would not want to change anything in her personal life, such as her two divorces.

“I think it’s very important to teach your children to struggle on some level,” she said." From The Independent
Teaching children to struggle without teaching them coping mechanisms is a recipe for disaster I've experienced it. If a child has no support and they're constantly struggling as a result, it just leads to apathy. You need to teach them the art of bouncing back and seeking out the things they need.
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Emily.97
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I agree that it is important to teach your child that life isn't always straightforward/fair and there will be times of stress and struggle, but I don't think divorce is necessarily the best of example of doing so. I think it partly depends on the age of the child too.
If they are between..say, 1 and 10, then they have either lost a mother or a father figure during an important part of their developmental phase, whether that be an entire cut off of contact, or a reduction of it.
If they are an adolescent or older, then they've probably developed a sense of independence and understanding of these situations anyway, and how to handle them.
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Reue
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What a load of rubbish. Some kids may cope well and turn out stronger for it.. I suspect a majority will not.
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miser
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It's a difficult one. It's important to learn to be able to cope with difficult situations, but I have no idea what causes that to happen. Does experiencing hardship make you strong? Or does it wear you down?

I know someone who's experienced hardships, and believes herself to be strong, but really I have to say she's weak. Likewise I know people who have experienced hardships and have indeed become strong - admirably so.

It seems to me that some people conquer their struggles, and others don't. I don't think struggle's the only ingredient involved.
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Rakas21
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(Original post by miser)
It's a difficult one. It's important to learn to be able to cope with difficult situations, but I have no idea what causes that to happen. Does experiencing hardship make you strong? Or does it wear you down?

I know someone who's experienced hardships, and believes herself to be strong, but really I have to say she's weak. Likewise I know people who have experienced hardships and have indeed become strong - admirably so.

It seems to me that some people conquer their struggles, and others don't. I don't think struggle's the only ingredient involved.
It comes down to personality be that caused by something genetic or nurtured. My sister for example is incredibly weak, stressed and cannot cope with most things (just gives up) while i have a much more 'never say die' attitude and largely avoid stress altogether by being emotionally disciplined and detached (there are psychological reasons for that, I've realized - sadly i was rather hoping that i was the human equivalent of Spock) which gives me the ability to handle most situations. But the point being that this is despite only a 1 year age difference (so I've wondered if there's something genetic in your personality since our experiences have been similar).
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Ebony19
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(Original post by miser)
I know someone who's experienced hardships, and believes herself to be strong, but really I have to say she's weak. Likewise I know people who have experienced hardships and have indeed become strong - admirably so.



It seems to me that some people conquer their struggles, and others don't. I don't think struggle's the only ingredient involved.
This person who thinks she's strong but is actually weak, maybe she's strong considering the things she's endured? I don't think there's one measure of how strong someone is without like you say looking at the 'ingredients' to the end result. As in, on the surface she might look a bit 'pathetic', but what is it that she's holding on her shoulders or on her head?
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Ebony19
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(Original post by Rakas21)
It comes down to personality be that caused by something genetic or nurtured. My sister for example is incredibly weak, stressed and cannot cope with most things (just gives up) while i have a much more 'never say die' attitude and largely avoid stress altogether by being emotionally disciplined and detached (there are psychological reasons for that, I've realized - sadly i was rather hoping that i was the human equivalent of Spock) which gives me the ability to handle most situations. But the point being that this is despite only a 1 year age difference (so I've wondered if there's something genetic in your personality since our experiences have been similar).
Could it be that you were taught different coping mechanisms because you're a boy?
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Rakas21
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(Original post by Ebony19)
Could it be that you were taught different coping mechanisms because you're a boy?
No, i don't think so (though i don't remember being 'taught' any at all). It's more like at some point she carried on being the whiny child while i became much less emotionally driven. There are reasons for that i think (one parent has frequent bipolar and has tried to go before) so in hindsight i think that at some point i associated being emotional with that and so controlled myself via emotional discipline, indeed in some respects i still view emotional people as weak. That being said i'm not a robot, i still laugh and exist in a state of perpetual semi calm and happiness it's just that the stronger emotions are never allowed to surface for more than a few minutes (though i think I've actually got quite a dark streak in there too which is slightly concerning).
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Izzyeviel
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Divorce is God's way of telling us that straight people shouldn't get married, it just ruins the sanctity of marriage.
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mojojojo101
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Kate Winslet probably has more money than she knows what to do with, her kids, divorce or not, probably have a very warped sense of what the word suffer actually means.
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the bear
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(Original post by BefuddledPenguin)
Well everyone deals with adversity, my parents' divorce was a relief to me, as I disliked my dad, but the issue there was that due to the pressure of having to conform to the unnecessary two parent idyll I was constantly having to move back and forth which was more of an issue than the divorce itself. I found moving to a new place exciting.

I think it can be positive but it depends on how the parents choose to explain it to the child.
Someone like Mrs Winslet is not living in the real world; her idea of a struggle would be to decide whether to have skinny macciato with or without sprinkles. Divorce is inevitably damaging for children. It may be unfashionable to say so but the boring old Mum & Dad living with the kids in the same house works. With grandparents too.
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To be fair, her words could have been twisted or taken out of context. That has a way of happening .
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miser
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(Original post by Rakas21)
It comes down to personality be that caused by something genetic or nurtured. My sister for example is incredibly weak, stressed and cannot cope with most things (just gives up) while i have a much more 'never say die' attitude and largely avoid stress altogether by being emotionally disciplined and detached (there are psychological reasons for that, I've realized - sadly i was rather hoping that i was the human equivalent of Spock) which gives me the ability to handle most situations. But the point being that this is despite only a 1 year age difference (so I've wondered if there's something genetic in your personality since our experiences have been similar).
I have a very similar experience and have often thought about this question before. Growing up, my sister would get stressed easily, whereas I've been the opposite. I don't know why it's been that way, but you'd be right that she and I have different personalities.

If I were to guess, I'd say our experiences affect our personality, and our personality affects our response to future experiences, thereby causing a reinforcement loop. But maybe it's just random.

(Original post by Ebony19)
This person who thinks she's strong but is actually weak, maybe she's strong considering the things she's endured? I don't think there's one measure of how strong someone is without like you say looking at the 'ingredients' to the end result. As in, on the surface she might look a bit 'pathetic', but what is it that she's holding on her shoulders or on her head?
I've considered this a lot previously, i.e., whether the things endured should affect whether I think she's strong. I think that in her case she isn't, but I see where you're coming from.

I think a fair way to look at it is to ask how well you could expect the average person to cope under a given hardship (or set of hardships). If a person would be able to make it through in their stride where the average person would falter, they'd be pretty strong. If a person would be able to make it through but it would affect them so deeply that they'd become a shadow of their former self, I guess you could say they weren't.

Factoring in what a person has endured to make it to the present gets a lot messier though. The deeper into the rabbit hole you go, the more it brings into focus that people don't have the same 'strength' to start with, so it could be harder or easier for them to achieve what the average person could, so asking what they can achieve compared to the average person doesn't make sense unless you can compare people's 'starting strength' as well, to see who did the best under what circumstances. The more 'ingredients' you factor in, the less descriptive evaluations like 'strong' and 'weak' become.

So it's up to you how you want to interpret such evaluations really. My original comment wasn't meant to be particularly nuanced - just that some people fare better than others in different circumstances. Some get built up; others get knocked down.
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Studentus-anonymous
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Depends really. I think it's broadly better to have a stable two parent family system, though I wouldn't say it's the be and end all of upbringing.

On the other hand when some REAL adversity comes along it's usually the friends and stuff who like me had 'troubled' childhoods (divorce, adopted,etc) that seem to generally handle catastrophe better. The people who when growing up never experienced real hardship and stress tend to by virtue of inexperience collapse harder and faster.

Then again there's plenty of cases of messed up kids from broken homes.


Basically would I say it's 'good'? Not really, but I suppose there are lucky kids who learn how to cope with otherwise exceptional life stress and loss, and thus tragedy in later life is less of a catastrophe than it may be for many people who've never experienced those sort of hardships.
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Ebony19
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(Original post by Rakas21)
No, i don't think so (though i don't remember being 'taught' any at all). It's more like at some point she carried on being the whiny child while i became much less emotionally driven. There are reasons for that i think (one parent has frequent bipolar and has tried to go before) so in hindsight i think that at some point i associated being emotional with that and so controlled myself via emotional discipline, indeed in some respects i still view emotional people as weak. That being said i'm not a robot, i still laugh and exist in a state of perpetual semi calm and happiness it's just that the stronger emotions are never allowed to surface for more than a few minutes (though i think I've actually got quite a dark streak in there too which is slightly concerning).
I mean you might not think it necessarily because it's to suppose that you don't have as much free will as you like to think. But for example it's possible that you have both been affected by the volatility of your parents condition in gender specific ways. She having a world of emotions open to her as a woman/girl in our society, so she can express these emotions and this leads to a more 'pathetic' appearing exterior in your eyes. Whereas you, as a man/boy do not have the same accessibility to this. It is not so socially acceptable for you to appear emotional and 'weak'. Instead you are hardened, and maybe too hard as you point out.

I also accept there are biological differences, women have to deal with a hella difficult hormone fluctuations.

What do you mean by dark streak out of interest? Not being watching the trailer for that bloody bull**** fifty shades have you... Tehe. Bler, but seriously, that **** is wrong.
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tazarooni89
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(Original post by mojojojo101)
Kate Winslet probably has more money than she knows what to do with, her kids, divorce or not, probably have a very warped sense of what the word suffer actually means.
I'd disagree with this, personally. Lack of money is only one type of suffering.

Rich people can always put food on the table, sure. But they are otherwise still susceptible to the same problems as everyone else - death, disease, injury, disability, divorce, depression, drug and alcohol addiction, bullying and abuse, crimes committed against them etc. And sometimes they even suffer because of their wealth and fame via the work of stalkers and hackers etc.

When these kinds of things occur, I don't think the fact that they live in a big house or drive an expensive car will really help. Most problems are not the sort that you can just throw money at.
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TimmonaPortella
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Let's all take parenting advice from someone whose husband's surname is 'rocknroll'.

Personally I rather enjoyed having my childhood in an intact home, and I don't feel like it's left me unable to cope with anything at all, but if she really wants to convince herself that everything she's done has been great for her children that's fine I suppose.
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Rakas21
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(Original post by Ebony19)
I mean you might not think it necessarily because it's to suppose that you don't have as much free will as you like to think. But for example it's possible that you have both been affected by the volatility of your parents condition in gender specific ways. She having a world of emotions open to her as a woman/girl in our society, so she can express these emotions and this leads to a more 'pathetic' appearing exterior in your eyes. Whereas you, as a man/boy do not have the same accessibility to this. It is not so socially acceptable for you to appear emotional and 'weak'. Instead you are hardened, and maybe too hard as you point out.

I also accept there are biological differences, women have to deal with a hella difficult hormone fluctuations.

What do you mean by dark streak out of interest? Not being watching the trailer for that bloody bull**** fifty shades have you... Tehe. Bler, but seriously, that **** is wrong.
Possible but less of an issue as children, the change came around 10-12.

Ha. Just anger, a ruthless streak and a lust for power that's beyond healthy. Normally not concerning but I do verge on egotism and megalomania.
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