Personal statement need help.

I was told my personal statement was not very strong. Could you help me understand what I should take out and maybe things I should add?

I have always had a strong understanding of how important a stable balanced diet has on maintaining healthy living. I believe that through my passion for nutrition and a desire to improve my own health through food, a career in which I can support people's dietary requirements is perfect for me. In the upcoming years the demand for dieticians will increase due to the high obesity rates so this manifest's even more how vital my role will be. I would make an excellent pupil for any university because I am willing to work hard and I am always spending my extra time improving myself and making sure my work is to the best possible standard it can be. I am always setting myself goals and I will put in my best efforts to assure that they are achieved. I am currently undertaking an Access to combined science course at Guildford College. This course has shown to have the essentials to attaining qualifications for further studying of Nutrition/Dietetics. I am strongly focusing on biology (21 credits) and chemistry (18 credits) in my studies, which is excellent for setting me up for university level study. I will be undertaking two independent study units and one of which will be heavily based on nutrition. My interest originates from my strength and conditioning training and through this I have gained a strong appreciation and awareness of the role that food has on the body. I have extensively researched different dietetics and figures who work in the field of nutrition. I have read books by Paul Chek (Holistic health practitioner) and also watched a large variety of videos by Dr. Robert Cassar (Practitioner of parasitology, toxicology and naturalistic living). Through my research I have been inspired to implement ideas into my own lifestyle and help other people become more aware of certain eating habits. Throughout my strength and conditioning training I have been consulted for my knowledge in nutrition and have helped many people to improve their eating patterns and fitness. My mother is an elderly carer and I have regularly joined her on client consultations which have given me good experience in one on one consultations. I am quickly broadening my knowledge about the effects of food on the body and the impact this has. Nutrition will help your body maintain a state of homeostasis; malnourished individuals are much more susceptible to illness, lack of concentration and will easily fatigue. Outside of college I am currently working as a counter assistant on the meat and fish department at Sainsbury's. I feel this role has provided me with a wide range of skills. I have had to widen my knowledge and so I could give customers guidance on what may be suitable for them. I have learnt how the food has been farmed or caught and how the different methods may have an effect on your health. This role has given me experience with working in teams and having to work under pressure which I believe is essential part of a dieticians. I plan on undertaking part in WWOOF (World Wide Opportunities on Organic Farms) in the summer of 2015 which I believe will provide me with a better understanding of how food is grown and the difference between conventional and organic food may have on the body. I have many different activities that I participate in, from longboarding, gym, surfing and reading. I absolutely love reading. My most favourite books are self-improvement books such as 'The way of the superior man' and 'The happiness hypotheses' A university degree will be a great stepping stone for my progression into a successful career as a dietician and I will benefit strongly from it. I am very hardworking, creative and I am willing to put my full efforts into my work. I am very excited to take the next step into my studying and will gain strongly from the experience.

Wasn't the deadline in January?