Gay and single...forever??

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Anonymous #1
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It's really hard for me to write this. Anon as I know a few people on here.

Most of my friends would never suspect that I'm actually feeling really lonely in my life right now. I have an active social life, am reasonably outgoing, but am gay (most people in my life know this), and whatever I try, I cannot find a boyfriend.

It's actually been many years since I've had any kind of sexual experience with a guy, although having said that, sex isn't what I'm after, instead I really want a boyfriend - a long term relationship.

It doesn't help that most of my friends are straight (but supportive), and my love life is rarely discussed. On the odd occasion that it does, it's some kind of flippant remark 'why are you still single?' I don't know why, but I always give a brief reply that I'm happy being single - even though I'm not - and the topic swiftly moves on to something else.

I live in a small town with no real gay scene (we have 1 gay bar but it's terribly run and isn't an environment conducive to meeting people). I've tried apps like Grindr too, but I've found them to be too focused on casual hookups, which I really don't want.

At the moment I feel like this cycle can never change, and I'm close to breaking point. I've thought about going for one night stands just for a reminder what intimacy, and even being gay, feels like, but I had some pretty awful experiences my last time, and so I'm unwilling to try this.

Sorry for the essay, and I don't expect too many responses - this is sort of a ranting opportunity, although any advice or even just a message if anyone else experiences this, would be welcomed
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garfeeled
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hello, sorry to hear your not feeling happy at the moment. :console:

The one thing that i absolutely must stress is that dont have a one night stand in search of intimacy, the two are not really related (i am not against one night stands or casual long term hook ups but they arent a something intimate)

have you considered maybe going out somewhere else (not sure if viable), how far away is the nearest big city, most of them have at least a few gay bars.

you say you have a good social life but maybe try branching out a bit more, maybe you would find more potential bf material outside your present circle. If you are really down try talking to your friends or parents, that is probably the best thing to do.
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El Salvador
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I always felt that after I broke up with someone, but I was always proven wrong and found someone better.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by garfeeled)
hello, sorry to hear your not feeling happy at the moment. :console:

The one thing that i absolutely must stress is that dont have a one night stand in search of intimacy, the two are not really related (i am not against one night stands or casual long term hook ups but they arent a something intimate)

have you considered maybe going out somewhere else (not sure if viable), how far away is the nearest big city, most of them have at least a few gay bars.

you say you have a good social life but maybe try branching out a bit more, maybe you would find more potential bf material outside your present circle. If you are really down try talking to your friends or parents, that is probably the best thing to do.
Thank you for your reply.

There are two big cities fairly close by, both about an hour away by train. And no, I have no interest in one night stands, and while I'm not against them in principle, it's not for me.

With regard to my social life, basically it falls into two categories - straight friends who are supportive, but despite their best intentions I don't feel like they can truly understand my situation. The reason I think this is simply numbers - if they see someone they like, the odds are in their favour they're at least the same sexuality, which isn't the case being gay. The difficulty I have is how to raise a serious subject with them, having previously gone to so much effort to convince them I'm happy as I am - It almost feels like coming out all over again.

The other friends I have are gay, but are the type that are only interested in casual dating, and never go past 2 dates with the same guy. I once raised this with them, and they just tried to convince me that casual hookups were the answer.

Whenever I'm around a gay guy that I like (I've long since learnt to shut off any emotion if I know they're straight), I develop a very different personality to normal, becoming very quiet and shy, and I think I subconsciously want/expect him to do all the work. Logically, I know this a) isn't fair on him, and b) will very rarely, if ever, work. However, I always seem to revert to this behaviour when in this situation.

Again, this is more of a rant than anything. :rant: I've begun considering some form of counselling to see if that brings about any change.
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Anonymous #2
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Hi OP

Most gay men aren't looking for commitment, which is very frustrating. I know how you feel. I think the problem is with the scene, not with you.

It might be a better idea to just focus on being happy. It's a cliche, but sometimes you find things when you stop looking. Getting frustrated with the whole thing is just going to make you miserable. What's your life like in general? How old are you? You can lie by a year or two if you want to protect your anonymity!
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Hi OP

Most gay men aren't looking for commitment, which is very frustrating. I know how you feel. I think the problem is with the scene, not with you.

It might be a better idea to just focus on being happy. It's a cliche, but sometimes you find things when you stop looking. Getting frustrated with the whole thing is just going to make you miserable. What's your life like in general? How old are you? You can lie by a year or two if you want to protect your anonymity!
Hi. I think that gay men may say they want commitment, but when push comes to shove, aren't willing to make the necessary sacrifices. My belief is that everything worth having involves a sacrifice of some sort, so giving up things like free time, money, etc isn't a problem for me.

To answer your questions, I'll be vague enough to protect my anonymity but specific enough to hopefully be useful. I'm in my late 20s and studying at uni. As well as uni I have plenty to keep me occupied, both work and my own projects and hobbies, and I have friends in different social groups.

I was in my early 20s when I was last with a guy, and have been OK (not great, but not bothered by) being single until a year or so ago, when I really began to miss the intimacy. I did consider one night stands and even escorts but I know that would be counter productive in the long run.
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Anonymous #3
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I've tried apps like Grindr too, but I've found them to be too focused on casual hookups, which I really don't want.
Don't shy away from hookups too much. My relationship of 1 and a half years started on a grindr hookup.
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Usar
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You definitely should sign up on OkCupid. There's a lot of guys on there and most of them are not looking for casual dating. I think it's the best gay dating site out of the lot.
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Lord Hysteria
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I was in my early 20s when I was last with a guy, and have been OK (not great, but not bothered by) being single until a year or so ago, when I really began to miss the intimacy. I did consider one night stands and even escorts but I know that would be counter productive in the long run.
Why would it be "counter-productive in the long run"?

I was in a relationship with a man for 4 years, and it all started with a single one-night stand. If I took your advice, I wouldn’t have met him, fallen in love with him, moved into our place, and went on holidays together. I think you’ve been around judgmental people and picked-up their ideas. We broke-up for various reasons last year, and I’m sort of dating now. But how does a relationship begin? It's always with a physical attraction. If I think you're hot, then I'll try to take you back to mine to get into your trousers ... Now, suppose I met you, are you going to ask me "where is this going" or "what do you want" ? I honestly wouldn't know. How could I? I just met you? I really think you should go with the flow and see what happens. If it feels right, then go for it.

I have had some great one-night stands with men. Some of them were fairly intimate, drinks, kissing, and so on ... and which I really enjoyed. It doesn't make the experience any "less" because it doesn't lead to some relationship. I think you jump and see where things go. Otherwise, you'll sit on the sidewalk waiting for things.

I also think you should ask why you want "the" relationship? With respect, I think you have a picture in your head about the happiness a relationship can yield - as opposed to what a certain man can give you.

Just a few ideas for you. Hopefully, it won’t be long before some hottie starts banging your arse ... hehe
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Anonymous #2
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(Original post by Lord Hysteria)
Why would it be "counter-productive in the long run"?

I was in a relationship with a man for 4 years, and it all started with a single one-night stand. If I took your advice, I wouldn’t have met him, fallen in love with him, moved into our place, and went on holidays together. I think you’ve been around judgmental people and picked-up their ideas. We broke-up for various reasons last year, and I’m sort of dating now. But how does a relationship begin? It's always with a physical attraction. If I think you're hot, then I'll try to take you back to mine to get into your trousers ... Now, suppose I met you, are you going to ask me "where is this going" or "what do you want" ? I honestly wouldn't know. How could I? I just met you? I really think you should go with the flow and see what happens. If it feels right, then go for it.

I have had some great one-night stands with men. Some of them were fairly intimate, drinks, kissing, and so on ... and which I really enjoyed. It doesn't make the experience any "less" because it doesn't lead to some relationship. I think you jump and see where things go. Otherwise, you'll sit on the sidewalk waiting for things.

I also think you should ask why you want "the" relationship? With respect, I think you have a picture in your head about the happiness a relationship can yield - as opposed to what a certain man can give you.

Just a few ideas for you. Hopefully, it won’t be long before some hottie starts banging your arse ... hehe
It can happen like that, but it's rather unlikely. One night stands can also be horrible and make you feel like crap. Sex is so easy to come by in the gay world, so most are never satisfied - the grass is always greener.
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samcarnall
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You will find someone! I was feeling the same a few months back, but through student room I found a guy that liked me and I liked him. And after exams in summer we're hoping to meet up on kinda a "first date" but anyway he's changed everything already which sounds stupid right now but what I'm saying is you'll find someone when you least expect it

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Anonymous #4
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I can relate so much to your story! I'm in the same boat right now! I'm 23, graduating Uni this June and haven't been in a relationship ever. In my first year I joined the LGBT at my UNI but really didn't like the people so I stopped going. I met with a cute guy during an LGBT social, we went back to mine and after that had 3 sort- of- dates and that was it. I hadn't had encounter with guys ever since and then (I was 19 back then). I wasn't bothered by it as many of my friends were single at the time, but suddenly in the course of the past 6 months all my friends are in a relationship and spending all their free time with "the" bf/gf and I feel left out. I stopped looking forward to the weekends as I'd just stay alone in my room watching TV. I obviously have Grindr and Tinder on my phone and had a plenty of matches on Tinder, but for whatever reason those guys rarely, if ever, write back and Grindr is... well you know. The pressure of not being successful neither with my personal nor with my professional life (I still don't have a job unlike 1/2 of my course and literally don't know what I'll do in 3 months' time) was so overwhelming that I felt really miserable and depressed. I began going to counselling and I'd suggest you do that too as it may be able to helphttps://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/modcp/moderate.php?do=posts# you out- I'm so depressed now that my work at uni started suffering because of this. I sort of felt better after meeting with a counselor. Also my best friend told me that it is a bit harder for gay guys to find boyfriends, and although this probably sounds simple it actually makes a lot of sense- the majority of guys are straight and only some percentage of them are gay (optimistically around 10%, although some say 3%) and of that percentage not all want to be in a relationship, not all are single and not all will like you / you'd like them. This might sound simple and silly but it really made so much sense to me and sort of eased the pressure. My advice is to go to counseling, and don't listen to some of the guys above who said to hook up with random people- just don't do it- this might feel good for an hour or so, but you'd feel like a s**t for days after that- NSAs are the worst thing you can do right now.
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samcarnall
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Well a bit has changed since I started this thread! I'm getting counselling for my anxiety starting soon. Also I met a guy on student room who's my age and we're hopefully gonna meet up in summer. I really like him and he likes me and I think we'll just see how it goes but I have been feeling much better in recent weeks.
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chukster97
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Im straight and single and i dnt care tbh
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samcarnall
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This helps how?
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Anonymous #5
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(Original post by samcarnall)
This helps how?
How exactly did you meet him through TSR? Interested to know.
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samcarnall
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Well I posted a thread and he replied and said I could pm him so I did. then we just hit it off I guess

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