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Should everything be 50 50 in a relationship?

Anon please, he uses this :wink:.

Personally, I don't believe that things should be equal. I believe that a couple should work as a team.

When I got with my partner (years ago) I had more money than him, as he was unemployed and lived in a flat that was eating through every penny he got in benefits. So whenever we went out anywhere for a meal, I would just pay for it, because I knew that it wasn't fair to expect him to when he didn't have much.

When he finally got out of his flat, I paid several thousand pounds worth of debt off for him so it would stop adding interest on it, and he paid me back over the course of a year, bit by bit. He always comes round to mine for meals - I never go round to his because he doesn't cook - which means that I pay for everything we need for the meal when I go shopping. I don't mind.

At the moment, I don't have much cash to spare. He knows this. He's now working, and has been for a couple of years, so he's in a much stronger financial position, and owns a brand new car and has about £800 a month left when all of the bills are paid. On the other hand, I'm lucky if I have anything left over at all. Whenever we go out for meals now, we pay 50/50. Even on my birthday we split the bill, despite the fact that I paid for his birthday meal.

I mentioned about how worried I was about money, and how down it gets me when I can't go out for a meal with him because I can't afford it. We don't go to particularly expensive places. £15 would cover my meal and a drink, but it's still money I can't afford to get rid of.

Am I wrong for feeling seriously resentful that he doesn't treat me sometimes when we go out? As I say, I paid for meals all the time when he couldn't afford to, and still buy the food and drink for when I cook for him at mine.

I'm not saying this because he's the man and I feel they should pay for everything. I'm saying it because when he was the one in this situation with money I made sure he could still go out and do nice things, whereas now things are the other way round he just never bothers at all, and is happy to let me put my half of the meal on my credit card - knowing full well that it's building up and I'm having to pay interest on the thing.

Am I being unfair? What can I say to make him understand how I feel?

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Reply 1
Original post by Anonymous
Anon please, he uses this :wink:.

Personally, I don't believe that things should be equal. I believe that a couple should work as a team.

When I got with my partner (years ago) I had more money than him, as he was unemployed and lived in a flat that was eating through every penny he got in benefits. So whenever we went out anywhere for a meal, I would just pay for it, because I knew that it wasn't fair to expect him to when he didn't have much.

When he finally got out of his flat, I paid several thousand pounds worth of debt off for him so it would stop adding interest on it, and he paid me back over the course of a year, bit by bit. He always comes round to mine for meals - I never go round to his because he doesn't cook - which means that I pay for everything we need for the meal when I go shopping. I don't mind.

At the moment, I don't have much cash to spare. He knows this. He's now working, and has been for a couple of years, so he's in a much stronger financial position, and owns a brand new car and has about £800 a month left when all of the bills are paid. On the other hand, I'm lucky if I have anything left over at all. Whenever we go out for meals now, we pay 50/50. Even on my birthday we split the bill, despite the fact that I paid for his birthday meal.

I mentioned about how worried I was about money, and how down it gets me when I can't go out for a meal with him because I can't afford it. We don't go to particularly expensive places. £15 would cover my meal and a drink, but it's still money I can't afford to get rid of.

Am I wrong for feeling seriously resentful that he doesn't treat me sometimes when we go out? As I say, I paid for meals all the time when he couldn't afford to, and still buy the food and drink for when I cook for him at mine.

I'm not saying this because he's the man and I feel they should pay for everything. I'm saying it because when he was the one in this situation with money I made sure he could still go out and do nice things, whereas now things are the other way round he just never bothers at all, and is happy to let me put my half of the meal on my credit card - knowing full well that it's building up and I'm having to pay interest on the thing.

Am I being unfair? What can I say to make him understand how I feel?


I generally think couples should pay things 50/50 on average but in your case it would be now your boyfriends turn to pay for stuff! I think you need to figure out some way to remind your boyfriend that you used to pay for all his stuff when he had no money and that now it's his turn.

The exception though, is when I find it's ok for the man to pay for most things, is if the man is working and the woman is staying home, taking care of cooking and other chores. This way, although the woman isn't brining money to the household, both are contributing equally.
You could say that you're not going out anymore because you can't afford it. It's not worth going into debt for, regardless of what your boyfriend is doing.
Or, a less passive aggressive approach could be to just talk to him about how you'd appreciate him covering your cost like you did for him. It's about fairness rather than being greedy or whatever, expecting boyfriend to pay for you etc etc. Last year I paid for all of the rent on my own because my boyfriend couldn't afford it. Now he can and he pays out more than I do for us to live as we do because this year I'm the one with less. I know you don't give to receive, but a relationship should be about both parties giving and taking, sharing and helping, rather than the weight all being on one of you.
inb4 someone says he didn't ask you to pay those things, that's not really how relationships work in my opinion, you should care for each other and help them however you can.
Reply 3
Original post by Anonymous
Am I being unfair? What can I say to make him understand how I feel?

You don't sound like you're being unfair at all to me. You were very generous towards him but he either took it for granted or for whatever reason doesn't seem interested in returning that generosity.

Relationships shouldn't be 50/50 on everything, but there should be a balance. The balance in this case would be you looking after him when you were able, and him looking after you when he was able.

I think you should talk to him about your feelings. It might be that he just doesn't "get" that his behaviour comes across the way it does. Otherwise it might be that he's just a stingy person.
Reply 4
Ideally, yes.
Reply 5
Thanks everyone. I wanted to check it wasn't just me first haha. He's a lovely guy, really attentive, he'll sit for hours playing with my hair and things like that, he has all the time in the world for me - it's just the money thing that's getting to me at the moment. We quite like treating ourselves to Domino's and as everyone probably knows it's not cheap! It would just be nice to be able to enjoy something without worrying about how I'm going to pay for it, because it's always at the back of my mind when I'm having a meal out. As I say, I gave him that freedom when we first got together, I just feel as though I could do with being spoiled a little bit!! I'm not asking for posh meals out, Nando's is fine by me to be honest.
Original post by Anonymous
Anon please, he uses this :wink:.

Personally, I don't believe that things should be equal. I believe that a couple should work as a team.


Is this in relation to my thread? No, it shouldn't be 50/50 and this guy is a jerk. First, you got with him and helped with money when he was down on his luck. Then you also cook and pay for the food/drinks at your place. You do far more than he does. Not only he should pay for any days out, he should also help you with cash on top of that since he has so much more than you.

My thread was about hypocritical, entitled women. Feministy types who like to pick and choose their patriarchal institutions and turn gender roles on and off whenever they feel like it : ''Mizz independent you go gurll mmm snap fingerz don't want no scrub can i get a hell yeah''. You're not one of them, in fact you are the complete opposite. You did everything for him and this is how he acts? Any good guy should feel pride and dignity in providing for his partner or family, that's what makes men happy (or should, anyway). And again, this guy's a dick and a waste of time, especially if you are thinking about a future with him.
Reply 7
To be honest, he may have got used to you paying for everything and now just going 50-50 feels like "doing you a favour" - which obviously it's not, but he may just not be thinking about it at all!

Don't sit and seethe and wait for him to realise what he's doing wrong. You've been together years, so use the closeness and trust you've built up to have a straight conversation with him.
Aren't you worried he'll read this and know it's about him?


Posted from TSR Mobile
You have done more for him than he has you, from what you've told us, and so I'm inclined to think he is probably being a little unfair on you. He could at the very least pay for a couple of meals to even things out.

However at the same time, when you were cooking for him you said you did it all and paid for it while and "didn't mind". Well clearly, you do mind, because you feel the efforts were not reciprocated. Sometimes I believe that we should do favours for people without expecting anything in return. If we expect something in return, it's probably for the best to be explicit about the fact so resentment doesn't build. I'm not saying you have no right to be annoyed, but it might just be crossed wires/lack of communication here at play rather than an outright: he's being an asshat to you. Hope that makes sense.
Original post by SerenityNow
Is this in relation to my thread? No, it shouldn't be 50/50 and this guy is a jerk. First, you got with him and helped with money when he was down on his luck. Then you also cook and pay for the food/drinks at your place. You do far more than he does. Not only he should pay for any days out, he should also help you with cash on top of that since he has so much more than you.

My thread was about hypocritical, entitled women. Feministy types who like to pick and choose their patriarchal institutions and turn gender roles on and off whenever they feel like it : ''Mizz independent you go gurll mmm snap fingerz don't want no scrub can i get a hell yeah''. You're not one of them, in fact you are the complete opposite. You did everything for him and this is how he acts? Any good guy should feel pride and dignity in providing for his partner or family, that's what makes men happy (or should, anyway). And again, this guy's a dick and a waste of time, especially if you are thinking about a future with him.


I haven't seen your thread so no it wasn't related to that. As I thought I made obvious in my original post, it is about my own personal situation with my partner.
Original post by channies
Aren't you worried he'll read this and know it's about him?


Posted from TSR Mobile


Not really. If he mentions it I'll just say he shouldn't be such a stingy git :wink:.

Plus he doesn't use it THAT often, only when he needs to, and wouldn't bother trawling through anon threads. But obviously if it's under my username it's there for good then and he may see it at some point.


Original post by black_mamba
You have done more for him than he has you, from what you've told us, and so I'm inclined to think he is probably being a little unfair on you. He could at the very least pay for a couple of meals to even things out.

However at the same time, when you were cooking for him you said you did it all and paid for it while and "didn't mind". Well clearly, you do mind, because you feel the efforts were not reciprocated. Sometimes I believe that we should do favours for people without expecting anything in return. If we expect something in return, it's probably for the best to be explicit about the fact so resentment doesn't build. I'm not saying you have no right to be annoyed, but it might just be crossed wires/lack of communication here at play rather than an outright: he's being an asshat to you. Hope that makes sense.


Yeah at the time I wasn't doing it for something back from him. I was doing it because I wanted him to be able to enjoy things, because I love him. And wanting something back now isn't because of what I did before.. if that makes sense.. it's because I know how I felt when he was in my situation, and I wonder why he doesn't feel the same way now he's watching me struggle.

It's honestly not about him paying me back for what I've paid for, I'm not like that and would never keep a tally or anything. And as I say, I still buy food in and cook for him. But it is nice to be treated sometimes even if you could afford it! He's paid for about four meals in six years, and all four times I had to say I REALLY can't afford this tonight, please could you pay. So he doesn't refuse if I ask, but I feel so cheeky asking that I never bother. Lol.
Original post by Anonymous
I haven't seen your thread so no it wasn't related to that. As I thought I made obvious in my original post, it is about my own personal situation with my partner.


You sound like a great person, he sounds like a jerk. Unless he is saving for buying a house or something, he has no excuse...and even then. My wife supported me (financially but mostly emotionally, even though she had little herself) when I had nothing but when I started earning serious money i ''repaid'' her 100 fold. And don't expect him to change, most men don't. Or you'll end up like all the other Mumsneters who get yelled at by their husbands because they had the audacity to buy an eclair with ''his money''.
Original post by Anonymous

Yeah at the time I wasn't doing it for something back from him. I was doing it because I wanted him to be able to enjoy things, because I love him. And wanting something back now isn't because of what I did before.. if that makes sense.. it's because I know how I felt when he was in my situation, and I wonder why he doesn't feel the same way now he's watching me struggle.

It's honestly not about him paying me back for what I've paid for, I'm not like that and would never keep a tally or anything. And as I say, I still buy food in and cook for him. But it is nice to be treated sometimes even if you could afford it! He's paid for about four meals in six years, and all four times I had to say I REALLY can't afford this tonight, please could you pay. So he doesn't refuse if I ask, but I feel so cheeky asking that I never bother. Lol.


Aha I get you completely. Thing is, does he truly know you are struggling? Don't assume, let him know.

Also, if he is not used to offering to pay, again worth giving him benefit of the doubt that he doesn't realise how awkward it makes things for you.

Honestly I would just show him this thread and he'll probably understand it in an instant. I've had similar issues with my partner, not over money but over stuff I had assumed he was just being awkward about. When I spoke to him to about it, a lot of it was just plain lack of knowledge, nothing deliberate/sinister/lazy.

You'll feel better once the air has cleared too and things are out in the open. Just gotta approach it tactfully.
Original post by Anonymous
Anon please, he uses this :wink:.

Personally, I don't believe that things should be equal. I believe that a couple should work as a team.

When I got with my partner (years ago) I had more money than him, as he was unemployed and lived in a flat that was eating through every penny he got in benefits. So whenever we went out anywhere for a meal, I would just pay for it, because I knew that it wasn't fair to expect him to when he didn't have much.

When he finally got out of his flat, I paid several thousand pounds worth of debt off for him so it would stop adding interest on it, and he paid me back over the course of a year, bit by bit. He always comes round to mine for meals - I never go round to his because he doesn't cook - which means that I pay for everything we need for the meal when I go shopping. I don't mind.

At the moment, I don't have much cash to spare. He knows this. He's now working, and has been for a couple of years, so he's in a much stronger financial position, and owns a brand new car and has about £800 a month left when all of the bills are paid. On the other hand, I'm lucky if I have anything left over at all. Whenever we go out for meals now, we pay 50/50. Even on my birthday we split the bill, despite the fact that I paid for his birthday meal.

I mentioned about how worried I was about money, and how down it gets me when I can't go out for a meal with him because I can't afford it. We don't go to particularly expensive places. £15 would cover my meal and a drink, but it's still money I can't afford to get rid of.

Am I wrong for feeling seriously resentful that he doesn't treat me sometimes when we go out? As I say, I paid for meals all the time when he couldn't afford to, and still buy the food and drink for when I cook for him at mine.

I'm not saying this because he's the man and I feel they should pay for everything. I'm saying it because when he was the one in this situation with money I made sure he could still go out and do nice things, whereas now things are the other way round he just never bothers at all, and is happy to let me put my half of the meal on my credit card - knowing full well that it's building up and I'm having to pay interest on the thing.

Am I being unfair? What can I say to make him understand how I feel?


It's totally reasonable to expect him to pick up the slack given you're struggling and he has extra money to play with, especially given what you did for him in the past.

Just make a gentle suggestion that you do things which are less costly, because you don't have the spare cash to be going out for dinner a lot right now. Unless he has the memory of a goldfish he should offer to pay for you. It's a little odd that he hasn't already.
Original post by Anonymous
Anon please, he uses this :wink:.

Personally, I don't believe that things should be equal. I believe that a couple should work as a team.

When I got with my partner (years ago) I had more money than him, as he was unemployed and lived in a flat that was eating through every penny he got in benefits. So whenever we went out anywhere for a meal, I would just pay for it, because I knew that it wasn't fair to expect him to when he didn't have much.

When he finally got out of his flat, I paid several thousand pounds worth of debt off for him so it would stop adding interest on it, and he paid me back over the course of a year, bit by bit. He always comes round to mine for meals - I never go round to his because he doesn't cook - which means that I pay for everything we need for the meal when I go shopping. I don't mind.

At the moment, I don't have much cash to spare. He knows this. He's now working, and has been for a couple of years, so he's in a much stronger financial position, and owns a brand new car and has about £800 a month left when all of the bills are paid. On the other hand, I'm lucky if I have anything left over at all. Whenever we go out for meals now, we pay 50/50. Even on my birthday we split the bill, despite the fact that I paid for his birthday meal.

I mentioned about how worried I was about money, and how down it gets me when I can't go out for a meal with him because I can't afford it. We don't go to particularly expensive places. £15 would cover my meal and a drink, but it's still money I can't afford to get rid of.

Am I wrong for feeling seriously resentful that he doesn't treat me sometimes when we go out? As I say, I paid for meals all the time when he couldn't afford to, and still buy the food and drink for when I cook for him at mine.

I'm not saying this because he's the man and I feel they should pay for everything. I'm saying it because when he was the one in this situation with money I made sure he could still go out and do nice things, whereas now things are the other way round he just never bothers at all, and is happy to let me put my half of the meal on my credit card - knowing full well that it's building up and I'm having to pay interest on the thing.

Am I being unfair? What can I say to make him understand how I feel?


Don't worry it's only money.
Original post by Doctor_Einstein
Don't worry it's only money.


Very easy to say until you have none and are worried about defaulting on the rent and being thrown out onto the street.
Reply 17
lets everybody follow a certain rule a standard, what belongs to you is yours and what belongs to your partner is theirs, as for the 50/50 that should be equal amount of effort in the relationship, this does not mean that you deserve 50% of the assets your partners has in fact you deserve nothing which is not yours.
Original post by Anonymous
Very easy to say until you have none and are worried about defaulting on the rent and being thrown out onto the street.


And a partner like yours who doesn't care **** all about your personal situation. You had to beg him and he only paid for 4 meals in 6 years? That's just unbelievable, especially after how you helped him. Un****ingbelievable. You are a very good soul, don't waste yourself. I know how blinkered women can be with guys they love but please try to look at it from above.
I wouldn't be happy either. You need to talk to him. If you can't afford it, start refusing to go out and see what happens.

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