'Don't take things personally'

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THUG*LYF
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This is a phrase a lot of people use and I think they use it incorrectly, or rather, they use it unhelpfully.
A girl doesn't like you. You talk to a friend and the friend tells you not to take it personally.
What are you supposed to think?

Google image search says : "What other people say about you is their reality, not yours"?

Does the girl not like you because she's having a bad day? Or is it because she is a terrible racist? Or is it because she doesn't like the fact that you wore a red t-shirt that day and her idiot ex-boyfriend used to love to wear red t-shirts?

OK fair enough. The next girl you ask, she doesn't like you. And the next one. And the next one. And so on. Are they all just people with realities that conflict with yours? No. In fact, the chances are that the first girl only assessed you on the 'going standard' in society rather than through any particular bias.

The problem with palliating your woes by using this phrase is that it stops you from progressing. The reason why you may have been rejected by the girl is because you're overweight, you don't take make enough of an effort with your appearance and you don't have anything interesting to talk about. But if you don't take things personally then you will never care about these things and you will never have enough motivation to change them.

Of course there are things you shouldn't take personally. People's circumstances and current mood strongly influence their opinions from day to day and you can't take each of their actions and blame yourself for it. You need to distill out the objective and common themes from a few people's opinion of you and work on those. You should take those things personally. That is the only way you will change them.
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pillowshot
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I disagree with the last point you make.

There isn't a need to take things personally. All manner of people have different opinions.

It doesn't matter how handsome you are, there will be people that think you're ugly.
Doesn't matter how intelligent you are, there will be people that think you're stupid.
Doesn't matter how nice you are, there will be people that think you're mean.

You simply can't live on other peoples expectations and standards. You just have to be the best person you can be. More importantly be who you want to be.

If being overweight is an issue for you, then tackle it.
If not making enough of an effort with your appearance makes you feel bad, then make more of an effort.

You can't do things just to please others. You have to be happy with it yourself, first and foremost.

And then, when you're content with who you really are, you can go find someone that'll appreciate you for you.
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THUG*LYF
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(Original post by pillowshot)
I disagree with the last point you make.

There isn't a need to take things personally. All manner of people have different opinions.

It doesn't matter how handsome you are, there will be people that think you're ugly.
Doesn't matter how intelligent you are, there will be people that think you're stupid.
Doesn't matter how nice you are, there will be people that think you're mean.

You simply can't live on other peoples expectations and standards. You just have to be the best person you can be. More importantly be who you want to be.

If being overweight is an issue for you, then tackle it.
If not making enough of an effort with your appearance makes you feel bad, then make more of an effort.

You can't do things just to please others. You have to be happy with it yourself, first and foremost.

And then, when you're content with who you really are, you can go find someone that'll appreciate you for you.
You disagree with the whole thing basically lol

Thats ok, thanks for reading anyway
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pillowshot
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Well, I don't disagree that it's possible to change yourself in the ways you're describing. I just don't think it's a particularly healthy (mentally) way to go about it.

The only part of what you said that I thought was totally wrong was just this last part: "That is the only way you will change them."

For the reasons I pointed out
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THUG*LYF
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(Original post by pillowshot)
Well, I don't disagree that it's possible to change yourself in the ways you're describing. I just don't think it's a particularly healthy (mentally) way to go about it.

The only part of what you said that I thought was totally wrong was just this last part: "That is the only way you will change them."

For the reasons I pointed out
Well my point is that one particular person's opinion is irrelevant, yes. But using a collective opinion shared by many people on something you can change is a very useful barometer to driving and measuring real change in your life.
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Abstraction
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(Original post by pillowshot)


It doesn't matter how handsome you are, there will be people that think you're ugly.
Doesn't matter how intelligent you are, there will be people that think you're stupid.
Doesn't matter how nice you are, there will be people that think you're mean.
Yes, but a handsome person will have way less people who believe they're ugly, and thus less psychological or physical obstacles to getting a mate.
Yes, but a very intelligent person will have less people, if any, who believe they're stupid.
Yes, but a nicer person will have less people who think they're mean. Not to mention being 'nice' is not something appreciated by men or women. You give too much credit to the human race.

Also, the dating market is not meritocratic. This idea seems to be very popular among people. The smartest, most hardworking, or most morally upright person does not 'win' in the normal scheme of things. All this 'hard work' talk has null importance. Nature pulls the strings, not us. Everyone gets what necessarily comes to them.
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PinkMobilePhone
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(Original post by THUG*LYF)
You need to distill out the objective and common themes from a few people's opinion of you and work on those. You should take those things personally. That is the only way you will change them.
You don't NEED to do anything of the sort.

We're not all born with a guide-book to life stuffed up our backsides that says we absolutely have to win friends and influence people.

If you want to live your life as an anti-social hermit with a bizarre taste in music, body odour, a questionable choice of reading material, and a rather unhealthy obsession with cats, then by all means, as long as you're not actively harming another person, damned well go for it!

If, however, you want to win friends and influence people, then absolutely, go right ahead and take constructive criticism from others on board, and try to turn yourself into a model citizen, capable of social charm and brimming with charisma.

The choice is 100% yours, same as it is for anybody else.
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pillowshot
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(Original post by Abstraction)
Yes, but a handsome person will have way less people who believe they're ugly, and thus less psychological or physical obstacles to getting a mate.
Yes, but a very intelligent person will have less people, if any, who believe they're stupid.
Yes, but a nicer person will have less people who think they're mean. Not to mention being 'nice' is not something appreciated by men or women. You give too much credit to the human race.

Also, the dating market is not meritocratic. This idea seems to be very popular among people. The smartest, most hardworking, or most morally upright person does not 'win' in the normal scheme of things. All this 'hard work' talk has null importance. Nature pulls the strings, not us. Everyone gets what necessarily comes to them.

The point of my post was to say that you need to be content with yourself, rather than allowing the opinions of others dictate who you are.

Do you disagree?
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THUG*LYF
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(Original post by PinkMobilePhone)
You don't NEED to do anything of the sort.

We're not all born with a guide-book to life stuffed up our backsides that says we absolutely have to win friends and influence people.

If you want to live your life as an anti-social hermit with a bizarre taste in music, body odour, a questionable choice of reading material, and a rather unhealthy obsession with cats, then by all means, as long as you're not actively harming another person, damned well go for it!

If, however, you want to win friends and influence people, then absolutely, go right ahead and take constructive criticism from others on board, and try to turn yourself into a model citizen, capable of social charm and brimming with charisma.

The choice is 100% yours, same as it is for anybody else.
yeh fair enough, there is no need to do anything unless you want to improve yourself.
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Abstraction
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(Original post by pillowshot)
The point of my post was to say that you need to be content with yourself, rather than allowing the opinions of others dictate who you are.

Do you disagree?
That's theory, no one really believes that, or lives like they do. Men do not live independent of the desires of women. Women do not live independent of the desires of men. People do not live independent of the desires of cliques at school, or college, or university or beyond that in the workplace. That's why groups, cliques, families and relationships form. Would you really be happy without approval from any of these people, in a life of isolation? The opinions of others very much dictate who we are, and how we feel about ourselves. Sure, extents in people differ, but the general case still holds to a significant enough extent in each of us.
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PinkMobilePhone
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(Original post by THUG*LYF)
yeh fair enough, there is no need to do anything unless you want to improve yourself.
If your definition of improve parries with other peoples' definitions of improve.

I find that 9 times out of 10, my own personal definition isn't on par with what other people think, so I rarely listen to other peoples' opinions. I would never change myself to meet somebody else's expectations, because my life is frankly my own business and nobody else's.

I think you'll find that other people aren't half as bothered about you and your life as you might think, because everybody is too preoccupied with themselves and their own lives.
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RoyalMarine
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(Original post by Abstraction)
Yes, but a handsome person will have way less people who believe they're ugly, and thus less psychological or physical obstacles to getting a mate.
Yes, but a very intelligent person will have less people, if any, who believe they're stupid.
Yes, but a nicer person will have less people who think they're mean. Not to mention being 'nice' is not something appreciated by men or women. You give too much credit to the human race.

Also, the dating market is not meritocratic. This idea seems to be very popular among people. The smartest, most hardworking, or most morally upright person does not 'win' in the normal scheme of things. All this 'hard work' talk has null importance. Nature pulls the strings, not us. Everyone gets what necessarily comes to them.
I completely agree.
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RoyalMarine
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(Original post by PinkMobilePhone)
You don't NEED to do anything of the sort.

We're not all born with a guide-book to life stuffed up our backsides that says we absolutely have to win friends and influence people.

If you want to live your life as an anti-social hermit with a bizarre taste in music, body odour, a questionable choice of reading material, and a rather unhealthy obsession with cats, then by all means, as long as you're not actively harming another person, damned well go for it!

If, however, you want to win friends and influence people, then absolutely, go right ahead and take constructive criticism from others on board, and try to turn yourself into a model citizen, capable of social charm and brimming with charisma.

The choice is 100% yours, same as it is for anybody else.
I basically agree however it's not all a 100% choice because your looks can't be changed much, an ugly person will stay ugly no matter how hard he tries.
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PinkMobilePhone
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(Original post by RoyalMarine)
I basically agree however it's not all a 100% choice because your looks can't be changed much, an ugly person will stay ugly no matter how hard he tries.
save up enough and even an ugly duckling can have plastic surgery
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Cutty
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It's a sound philosophy. As an individual, you amount to nothing in this world. Why waste your time on what other people think of you?

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