The Student Room Group

How do I make sense of this?

I'm not sure if this exactly comes under relationship abuse, but I really wanted some advice..

Okay, so when I was in school I was walking home alone one evening and some guys I knew from school stopped me. I remember they stopped me and offered to pay me for sex and tried to grab my arm, but then I don't remember what happened until the other end of the road. I think this happened around winter, because I remember it was early evening and it was starting to get dark. But it was around the May time when I started remembering it all. Why didn't I remember it all this time? I told someone what happened (not that I couldn't remember some of it, or that it happened a few months before) and they spoke to the boys involved. However apparently they denied it, and I was asked whether I was 100% it was them. I was, and still am, sure it was them, but I said I wasn't because I knew the person I told didn't believe me. They made me feel like I was lying. I even questioned myself, how would I only remember a few months later, and still not remember some of it to this day? I just know I felt inexplicably different..In the following months some other boys in my class started making inappropriate comments towards me, pushing each other into me, throwing things at me and touching me. I know these boys knew the boys from the other incident, and I feel like it was somehow connected, I don't know. I know the person I told never mentioned my name to the boys from the first incident when they spoke to them, so the first boys must have told these other boys it was me, which means they knew it was me, which means it must have happened, doesn't it? Because I've never told another soul what happened, except that one person, so they couldn't have found out from anyone else.

I know this sounds ridiculous, my heads so jumbled up.

Now it's a few years later, and I still have problems relating to this. I've managed to get to a point where I really want to experience a relationship, but I've never had one. I have very nearly got with boys who I really like and trust before, but just before we get together I always end it. I'm scared about when they want our relationship to get physical. I can't explain it, I've just got this subconscious fear that kicks in, even though I know nothing bad would happen with these guys. I'm also terrified of getting drunk because I know it'd leave me vulnerable.

I don't know what to do. I want to move on from this, how can I do that? I feel like I can't talk to charities because I cant even remember what happened, and I can't tell anyone I know, I don't want them to know. Is there anything I can do? Or is this something I'm going to have to keep working on on my own? I manage fine and I'm happy enough, but I'd really like to somehow make sense of this mess and get past it.
Hi

I am so sorry to hear about what you went through. It must have been really scary, especially not being able to remember fully.

It can be quite a normal thing to not remember traumatic events. It's the brains way of protecting us from upsetting memories. However, it is also common to start getting flashbacks and remember some things and not others.

Firstly, i want you to know that you did nothing wrong and that this was not your fault. And, I believe you.

i understand how hard this has been and how you have been coping alone for a long time, and also how this impacts on the relationships you want to have now. I know you say you don't want to talk to a charity, but the charity rape crisis speak to people every week who are struggling to remember everything about what happened. They will always believe you and be on your side. They can listen and advise you and help you decide what to do next.

You can contact them here:
http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/
Freephone helpline
0808 802 9999
12 - 2.30pm
7 - 9.30pm

And you can search for local rape crisis centres here - they can provide counselling and other services:
http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/centres.php

I really hope this helps,
take care
Jo

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