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Did I do the right thing (friend with depression)? watch

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    So I'm gonna get a lot of hate for this but honestly, I can't make excuse forever. My friend opened up to us about having depression about a year ago and ever since she's taken every opportunity to take advantage of our willing to help her. She as a person is quite selfish and does thing genuinely for attention. NOTE- I'm not saying every depressed person wants attention but she does more than is reasonable. For example, back in November I wrote a status about not knowing what to get my friends for Christmas and she commented "I've had yours sorted out since August" and offered to give me ideas. But me, being the stubborn person I am, wanted to do it myself and went to a lot of effort to find them good presents. Christmas comes around and she tells us that all our presents are in Winchester where her uni is. So we go up to visit her and the presents thing was never heard of again. This is pretty menial but she does things like this A LOT.

    However while her attitude was annoying me, I calmed down after a friend told me that this attitude is part of how she deals with it. She then tells us that she's being kicked out of uni due to her not going to lectures or seminars and not handing in assignments. I felt bad but at the same time I did feel she'd bought it on herself in some respect as she spent a lot of time partying with her flatmates. This was about a month ago; since then she hasn't spoken to us except ONCE when she wanted a video link. We've tried so hard to get in contact with her to find out what's happening but she won't talk to us. I wouldn't mind if she had been like "I really don't want to talk about it but just know I'm ok and safe." I would have been able to retain my worry if she didn't keep posting pictures of her and her flatmates having a laugh. Finally, after she went offline as soon as I messaged her (she'd seen the message) I told her exactly what I thought and that I was done dealing with her situation because she was being selfish. I tried not to be too horrible but I did tell her she was bringing this situation on herself and it was unfair that she only talked to us when she needed something.

    Now I won't pretend to know what it's like to have depression, however we've tried to help her. And it'd be one thing if I felt like she was just ignoring us and shutting everyone out. But she's clearly having a laugh with her flatmates while stringing us all along wondering what's going on. I know I'm gonna be called a hateful ***** for this but it just doesn't seem fair that the only time she wants to talk to me is when has a problem or needs something. Not to mention the fact that we've had other things that we feel we need to talk about with her, important things, but are too scared to because we don't want to send her spiralling into a breakdown.

    Have I done the right thing?

    TLDR (though you may get more misconceptions through this)- Friend with depression only contacts us when she needs help with something and even after telling us what's wrong, ignores us when we ask for any kind of update on the situation. Not even her saying "I don't want to talk about it."
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    I don't really have any helpful advice because I don't know how you help one in this situation, I just have experience with one side. Depression can be incredibly isolating. You lose all confidence in yourself, all interest in things you love and everything just seems different. For me it's like I don't know to get it back either. Around my friends it's like I don't really know how to be around them sometimes and I sometimes feel like I am a complete outsider. It sounds strange I have no doubt, these are people I have known for years. It is only very recently that I have started to claw back my confidence and now I'm working to right all that I let go wrong when I was really at my lowest, emotionally. I would guess that she puts on a face for people she has to be around, people she cannot avoid, like her housemates, but she is still isolating herself from the wider world, not going to uni and such. I can't tell you how to help, but I know for me that it is one of the most wonderful things to have my friends still keen to see me and really happy when I come out. It's not often, and they do ask often, and I know they get disappointed that it's not more often, but they are always the best for how they make me feel when I do. I really couldn't do without them even though I know I am not the greatest of friends. And I'm really glad to have them still, now that I am getting myself back in order.

    It isn't at all your responsibility, but I would suggest getting her to seek counselling, and soon. She really needs to see if she can salvage her place at uni, or perhaps see if she can suspend the course for a while. She'll need support, does she have any at uni? She needs a support system that will get out her out and living again, prolonged isolation exacerbates the situation. She needs the world forced on her, being cooped up with a malicious mind that tells you you are worthless kills the spirit.

    None of this is on you and you can divorce yourself from the situation if you want but I believe we have a moral duty to each other, to attempt to do right by each other. That is not to say that you have to derail your own studies or your life, just try.

    I have little doubt it must be frustrating to continuously have to be the one reaching out so it's totally understandable if you don't spend the rest of your days doing that.
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    (Original post by porn induced coma)
    I don't really have any helpful advice because I don't know how you help one in this situation, I just have experience with one side. Depression can be incredibly isolating. You lose all confidence in yourself, all interest in things you love and everything just seems different. For me it's like I don't know to get it back either. Around my friends it's like I don't really know how to be around them sometimes and I sometimes feel like I am a complete outsider. It sounds strange I have no doubt, these are people I have known for years. It is only very recently that I have started to claw back my confidence and now I'm working to right all that I let go wrong when I was really at my lowest, emotionally. I would guess that she puts on a face for people she has to be around, people she cannot avoid, like her housemates, but she is still isolating herself from the wider world, not going to uni and such. I can't tell you how to help, but I know for me that it is one of the most wonderful things to have my friends still keen to see me and really happy when I come out. It's not often, and they do ask often, and I know they get disappointed that it's not more often, but they are always the best for how they make me feel when I do. I really couldn't do without them even though I know I am not the greatest of friends. And I'm really glad to have them still, now that I am getting myself back in order.

    It isn't at all your responsibility, but I would suggest getting her to seek counselling, and soon. She really needs to see if she can salvage her place at uni, or perhaps see if she can suspend the course for a while. She'll need support, does she have any at uni? She needs a support system that will get out her out and living again, prolonged isolation exacerbates the situation. She needs the world forced on her, being cooped up with a malicious mind that tells you you are worthless kills the spirit.

    None of this is on you and you can divorce yourself from the situation if you want but I believe we have a moral duty to each other, to attempt to do right by each other. That is not to say that you have to derail your own studies or your life, just try.
    The thing is, I genuinely have tried but she barely trusts me enough to tell me anything at all (unlike my other friends). She had counselling for a bit but now she just doesn't bother. I kind of feel like I can't help her if she won't help herself. I've grown somewhat resentful of her at this point as one of my other friends also has depression but does try to contact us to chat and stuff rather than always making the conversation about her and her problems. I just feel like when we offer the first friend help she really takes advantage of us.
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    To be honest you sound justified. Having depression is no excuse for being selfish or lying and treating people like crap.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    The thing is, I genuinely have tried but she barely trusts me enough to tell me anything at all (unlike my other friends). She had counselling for a bit but now she just doesn't bother. I kind of feel like I can't help her if she won't help herself. I've grown somewhat resentful of her at this point as one of my other friends also has depression but does try to contact us to chat and stuff rather than always making the conversation about her and her problems. I just feel like when we offer the first friend help she really takes advantage of us.
    Literally just edited to add: I have little doubt it must be frustrating to continuously have to be the one reaching out so it's totally understandable if you don't spend the rest of your days doing that.

    I wouldn't compare her depression, or even the way she handles it, to another person's. It hits people differently and they deal with it differently. I use my own example merely to represent one situation.

    Are you going to see her, face to face, anytime soon? It would be good to sit down with her and really talk it out. Say exactly what you think. She has depression but you still have a right to your feelings. And talk to her about the stuff you have been too worried to talk about, and see if she can still be a friend, one on one, without turning the subject back to herself. With what you have described she should be able to handle that. Depression may make you self pitying, the extent to which may perhaps even border on selfish at times, but I am highly of the opinion that one should be able to consider that someone else may have strong feelings. TBH, when I was faced with my friends, even at my lowest, I put on a happy face and tried, even if I failed miserably, to engage. I might have felt like an outside but I didn't want to be thought of as depressing when I was with them.
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    Maybe partying a lot is her way of dealing with it. I know how incredibly isolating depression can be and I have lost many friends as soon as I have opened up to them about my problems. People's initial reaction is to express a lot of sympathy and promise to keep in touch, and then they never do. Perhaps she just doesn't want to confide in you and you have to accept that. If you need to discuss practical matters with her, then tell her that. Being resentful towards her only hurts you.
    Edit: I would avoid a long, drawn-out discussion as was suggested above; with the attitude you have towards her and the way she has been behaving, it can only end badly.
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    She's scum, depression is no excuse.
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    (Original post by Protégé)
    She's scum, depression is no excuse.
    Bit strong.
 
 
 
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