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Self Harm... (poss trigger warning)

I know this topic is a bit taboo so i'm sorry about that, but am just looking for any similar experiences or advice. Ok, complete honesty, I used to self harm and attempted suicide when i was 15 (i know it's very selfish, please don't judge me) but stopped self harming about a year ago and generally made a pretty great recovery from everything. But.... i hurt myself for the first time in a year a few days ago and it really shook me. what is going on? I thought I had stopped and left it all behind and now my mood is dipping again and am having some really intensly low days.
Any ideas on why I this is happening? I got better goddamn it!

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Reply 1

scribble_girl

Hahaha, just go read me my lifestory why don't you.. aside from the recent good year. First off, well done to you for that :smile:

Secondly, you feeling a bit low at the moment doesn't instantly mean you're going back there. EVERYONE gets low days, even the happiest people on the planet, and life is never worry free. You don't even need an excuse - sometimes the world is just too much. But that's EVERYONE, not just you - and everyone gets through it.

Thirdly, if you do do something again, whilst trust me- I say keep yrself away from anything that can cause you harm - but if it DOES happen, it's not taking away from a good year of healthy mental state, and one bad day/bad week shouldn't get to you. It's not the downfall - you have made it this far and I admire you insanely for it. Seriously, you should be so proud of yourself :smile:

Just go, relax and unwind. Don't force yourself to be happy and don't feel like this is going to drag you back to the beginning again. It's a bad spell, it happens to the best of us. And it will go away. It's not worthy of your time or thoughts - so don't give it it :smile:

Best of luck x

Reply 2

Draculara

thankyou, yeah i am pretty stoked that i actually stopped. but i mean my mood is taking a real hit, i'm even becoming suicidal again which is a tough battle. it is just so frustrating when i thought i was managing. for me, the face that i hurt myself again means i lost control.

Reply 3

bottomness

i know how you feel, but you have to try and regain that control you had, just look at it as a mistake or something, and realise how much better life was for the past year. its easy to fall back into the trap, but you have to try your hardest to get yourself out of it before it engulfs you again

Reply 4

Anonymous #2

I can relate to that. I used to harm myself as well. I was so ashamed of the scares and afraid that anyone would find out about it that I stopped. You have to find different coping methods than harming yourself. Cry, if you can. Ask yourself why you're doing it. How would you feel if people found out about it?

Reply 5

scribble_girl

Harming yourself isn't losing control. It's an alternative reality, for a while - you still have full and complete control, whether you harm or not. It's your choice. You have to remember, at any second, you can think 'I could be harming myself right now, but I choose not to.'

So over the course of a year (maths people help me here!) that's a LOT of seconds. And yet if for one of those millions of seconds you choose to harm, it doesn't mean anything.

If it helps, keep posting :smile:

How did you get yourself out of last year's s/harm rut?

Reply 6

Doodahdoo

You managed a year without SI, that is absolutely amazing =]

It may help you to read this article, it's all about slipping up through SI.

Maybe try to work out your triggers; what was it that prompted you to SI again, after so long? What were you feeling when you SI'ed? And then maybe try to find more sustainable coping mechanisms. Maybe try to work out what urges you are getting, and then working to deal with them .

Take care,
Jo x

Reply 7

Anonymous #1

thanks. well someone found out about it, and it just upset them so much. noone had known before, and having someone begging me to stop kind of took me aback and made me realise why i should stop. it took a while though, and medication helped me i think. it's hard, there are a couple of people who are really relying on me at the moment (my godmother has cancer and i am the only person she has told for one) and so i feel that now more than ever i need to be stable to be able to give them the best support and advice i can but its hard. i am trying to pull myself together but the worst thing is when you dont want to get better. at those times i dont care if i self harm or not.

Reply 8

Anonymous #1

Simulatio

i'm not sure what made me do it again, i don't really know why i do it at all. just felt out of control i think. thankyou, the links are helpful

Reply 9

Doodahdoo

It's not an uncommon feeling, that you don't care anymore. It sounds like there is a lot going on in your life at the moment, which will affect how you deal with things and how you function on the whole - plus, it's natural to revert back to old coping mechanisms.

Have you thought about getting therapy or seeing a counsellor?

Take care,
Jo x

Reply 10

Anonymous #1

Simulatio

Have you thought about getting therapy or seeing a counsellor?

i really don't want to make a big deal of it, i dont really like seeing counsellors

Reply 11

Juno

*puts mod hat on*
Can we all be careful when posting links not to post anything that might be triggering, or to spoiler it with warnings if you're unsure? Thanks :smile:

*takes mod hat off*
Completely honestly, you'll never really get over it. You'll always have bad days, but as time goes on, you'll have more good days than bad. And you've had a year's worth of good days, which is excellent!
A common thing to do is to focus on the negatives, which is that you have self harmed. And now you feel like you've failed, and you've wasted the whole year. But you've still learnt coping skills and other useful things over that year. Take some time to review why you self harmed this time, and also why you really want to stop.
I stopped self harming over 2 and a half years ago, and I still have bad days. I've slipped up occasionally. Everyone does sometimes.

Reply 12

Doodahdoo

Anonymous

i really don't want to make a big deal of it, i dont really like seeing counsellors

It doesn't have to solely be about the SI; just about general life. That's ok though, if you're not comfortable with it. The fact that you mentioned pills suggested to me that you had more than just SI going on before.

Take care. x

Reply 13

Anonymous #1

Juno

Can we all be careful when posting links not to post anything that might be triggering, or to spoiler it with warnings if you're unsure? Thanks :smile:

of course. well done for giving up, two years is great. i hope you are right and i am just having a bad spell. thankyou for the support.

simulatio, i wasn't allowed out of hospital until i had seen a psychiatrist which led on to regular sessions. they thought i was depressed and i just kind of went along with the meds because it seemed like thats what people wanted me to do. but i dont think i was ever depressed. i dont think. i think that the term is used too lightly. thankyou too for the help.

Reply 14

black-cat

hey, it's ok to have setbacks sometimes, it doesn't mean you're gonna go back to how things were. did you see the doctor or have any kind of help/support when you things got better before?

this page is a good read: http://www.siriusproject.org/relapse.htm

you're not alone.

Reply 15

Azzle

Well done to you for the year without it! i havent actually self harmed since i was about 15. i only stopped then cos my parents found out. i'm 18 now and am finding it really hard not to do it again. iv not had the urges as strong before as iv had recently, but there's still something that stops me actually doing it.

if you want to talk, you can PM me
xx

Reply 16

Anonymous #1

thankyou everyone. i am finding this really hard to shift. i'm sorry, this probably isn't really an appropriate place to be talking about this. just finding it hard now

Reply 17

Anonymous #3

Anonymous

thankyou everyone. i am finding this really hard to shift. i'm sorry, this probably isn't really an appropriate place to be talking about this. just finding it hard now

;console; I kinda know what you mean and feel like. I've never self-harmed myself because I'd hate more pain and I just couldn't bring myself to do it but I have attempted suicide on several occasions. Most of them I failed to go through with them but the last time, less than a month a go, I did, but I failed anyway. This time I told my parents what I had done, was taken to hspital and I wasn't allowed to leave the hospital until I convinced the staff that I wouldn't try it again that night or so and after having physical tests and a psychiatric assessment. They are referring me to a counsellor and I have a number I can call some of the time but I'm not good at opening up to ppl or talking so it has never come to much use. Someppl at sch keep trying to make me go and see the sch counsellor but I'm at a critical time of the year where I can't afford to miss lessons, and I feel suffocated into it but when I did go, the counsellor was busy and made me stand outside feeling even more vulnerable in the corridor, so I ran away. I just want someone to understand and talk to about stuff but I'm too scared, not great at communicating, and have no-one like friends to turn to for support and understanding. I feel so lonely and upset and angry sometimes too. I know that I am severely depressed though and have been battling with this for years now. The only break from it came when the summer holidays came but even then, I never really coped with it all or dealt with it. So when more problems and old ones arose again, I slipped back into a really awful state and remained there to today. Hopefully for you it wont be like this, OP. I just wanted to say that I empathise with you because I know what it can feel like, and even though you might not be alone in feeling these things across the world, it still doesn't mean that you don't feel lonely- can be 2 different things as well as the same thing at the same time. :hugs:

Reply 18

matt@internet

I have absolutely no experience in this so sorry if I come across a bit thick or insensitive, but why don't you listen to some feelgood music? Listen to this one. It's the video with the best quality for the song. Pay particular attention to the lyrics "everybody gets high, everybody gets low, these are the days when anything goes." Everyday is a winding road, it's true. Take it one day at a time and good look with the, I assume, depression.
BTW the video has no relevance to the song, so ignore it.

Reply 19

Anonymous #4

This is just my opinion so dont take it as red or personal, but whats so wrong with self harming? I had to admit 2 a doc the other week that i did it made me feel guilty but hey whos bothered?? Lots of people do it so how can it be concidered as not normal?? Im confused. Im told that im depressed but its normal 1 in 10 people suffer with it according to my gp - therefore whats normal??

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