Is it wrong to want to be alone? Watch

candlejsra
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Me and my boyfriend have been dating for over 2 years. I have been very open with him about my past which is tough for me being a shy introvert from a family where talking about feelings is not the norm. I find it uncomfortable to show affection.

I have recently been having recurring nightmares about an ex abusive BF, but I don't want to talk to my boyfriend about this and make it into a bigger issue.

I was at my boyfriends house and we got into an argument because he said that I started to act awkward after he called me pretty and didn't want to tell him why I was upset. It ended with me saying that I want to be alone and we didn't talk for 4 days.

Now we are talking again and he is upset that he is the one who had to contact me to 'fight for the relationship'. He wants me to make things upto him but I don't understand how? I suggested just moving on from this and being normal again.

My lack of affection seems to make him think that I don't want to be with him and that my life would be just the same without him in it. How am I suppose to show him that I care? remembering that I'm not a very open person.

Any advice?
Is it wrong for me to prefer being alone rather than talking to my partner?
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yabbayabba
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You'll have to try and be more open, even if it is hard. It's a part of your personality you'll have to work on in relationships in general. I know for me it's difficult.

If you can't verbally express your affection, try it with little things - like treating him sometimes, offering to cook for him, buying him things he may want. You may find it easier to express your affection in non verbal ways if it's difficult for you to express them.
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Theawesomejem
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Tell him the truth he sounds like a good guy. He was the first to apologise after an argument, not many boys do in my experience. Normally they're too egotistical to be the first to say "sorry". It sounds like he really likes you. If you can talk about how hurt you were in the past on the student room to strangers, I think you can discuss it with your boyfriend, someone who appears to really care for you. He's seems like a sweet guy who wants to complete his girlfriend, let him. You shouldn't let your negative experiences in the past ruin what could be something beautiful now.


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jordanhenderson.
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It's horrible having a partner who doesn't show their affection towards you so I can understand why your boyfriend is upset.

If you can't tell him to his face, why not send him a pretty lengthy text explaining to him that you struggle showing affection but then list all the reasons why you love him just to show him that he is appreciated etc.
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tinkerbell_xxx
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tell him about the nightmare. It can help him to understand why you acted like you did, at least that way he knows that the issue isn't about your feelings for him, its just bad experiences haunting you. He may be able to comfort you
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Anonymous #1
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If he doesnt like you for who you are, then you shouldn't be together. You are your own person and it definitely isn't wrong to want your own time and to be left alone. If he expects you to respond in an extremely grateful way simply because he complimented you, then there is something wrong. Either he isn't mature enough to handle being in a relationship or he expects too much. A simple thank you is okay for a compliment. Or even a 'you look good too'.

If you argue about the little things, then how are you going to handle big things? I dont know how old you are, but if you go to uni or move away for work etc. how are you going to work through that? Is he going to expect you to be extremely grateful if he lets you move in?

I think you have to realise that you are your own person and a partner is meant to complement you and accept you for who you are. He shouldn't pressure you to be someone you aren't. I know it is difficult to stand up to someone you really like and say no actually, I am not confident and yes I am awkward when you compliment me. I'm not sure what he expected?

Just remember: do what's best for you. If you feel uncomfortable then get away and do what you want to do. Don't let others pressure you or make you feel bad for being yourself. I'm sure you are pretty, and I understand why it might make you feel awkward if he tries to pay you a compliment. Don't worry about whether or not your reactions are normal: if they work and make you feel better then continue.

Simply: my advice would be to do what you feel best. If he doesn't allow you to be you and introverted (there is nothing wrong with that - I am a confident introvert. I prefer being alone rather than being with my friends and I don't see anything wrong with that) then you don't need him. A relationship is about balance and acceptance. If he can't accept that you feel awkward when he compliments you, then what else wont he accept?

Be yourself and sod everyone else.
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candlejsra
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(Original post by yabbayabba)
You'll have to try and be more open, even if it is hard. It's a part of your personality you'll have to work on in relationships in general. I know for me it's difficult.

If you can't verbally express your affection, try it with little things - like treating him sometimes, offering to cook for him, buying him things he may want. You may find it easier to express your affection in non verbal ways if it's difficult for you to express them.
Yeah, normally this is how I would show affection with gifts and making breakfast. I think it's just difficult at the moment cause he wants to talk about feelings.


(Original post by Theawesomejem)
Tell him the truth he sounds like a good guy. He was the first to apologise after an argument, not many boys do in my experience. Normally they're too egotistical to be the first to say "sorry". It sounds like he really likes you. If you can talk about how hurt you were in the past on the student room to strangers, I think you can discuss it with your boyfriend, someone who appears to really care for you. He's seems like a sweet guy who wants to complete his girlfriend, let him. You shouldn't let your negative experiences in the past ruin what could be something beautiful now.


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Thank you! Yeah I know you're right, I just don't want to have to talk about about how I'm feeling but I guess that's how relationships work!
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candlejsra
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(Original post by jordanhenderson.)
It's horrible having a partner who doesn't show their affection towards you so I can understand why your boyfriend is upset.

If you can't tell him to his face, why not send him a pretty lengthy text explaining to him that you struggle showing affection but then list all the reasons why you love him just to show him that he is appreciated etc.
Cause I'd just feel awkward talking to him. I'd probably cry while i'm typing it all out.
I do show him affection in non verbal ways, so i'm not completely numb. This is a good idea though, I guess I just need to grow up and do it. Thank you.
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candlejsra
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(Original post by tinkerbell_xxx)
tell him about the nightmare. It can help him to understand why you acted like you did, at least that way he knows that the issue isn't about your feelings for him, its just bad experiences haunting you. He may be able to comfort you

I don't want to go through it all again and I don't want him to have to comfort me like I'm weak.

I'm more of a forget about it and move on type person but I guess that's where this situation has gone wrong. Thank you for your reply
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ChickenMadness
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(Original post by candlejsra)
Me and my boyfriend have been dating for over 2 years. I have been very open with him about my past which is tough for me being a shy introvert from a family where talking about feelings is not the norm. I find it uncomfortable to show affection.

I have recently been having recurring nightmares about an ex abusive BF, but I don't want to talk to my boyfriend about this and make it into a bigger issue.

I was at my boyfriends house and we got into an argument because he said that I started to act awkward after he called me pretty and didn't want to tell him why I was upset. It ended with me saying that I want to be alone and we didn't talk for 4 days.

Now we are talking again and he is upset that he is the one who had to contact me to 'fight for the relationship'. He wants me to make things upto him but I don't understand how? I suggested just moving on from this and being normal again.

My lack of affection seems to make him think that I don't want to be with him and that my life would be just the same without him in it. How am I suppose to show him that I care? remembering that I'm not a very open person.

Any advice?
Is it wrong for me to prefer being alone rather than talking to my partner?
sex?
food?
gift?
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yabbayabba
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(Original post by candlejsra)
Yeah, normally this is how I would show affection with gifts and making breakfast. I think it's just difficult at the moment cause he wants to talk about feelings.




Thank you! Yeah I know you're right, I just don't want to have to talk about about how I'm feeling but I guess that's how relationships work!
Like somebody said, send him a text saying how you feel. Then that's one step towards addressing the issue
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Anonymous #1
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I feel I may have put my foot in it a bit. I didn't mean to sound bitter!

What I mean to say, is that you did nothing wrong, so don't try and pacify him. Yes, just forgive, forget and move on. Tell him that you love him (or wherever you are in the relationship) and that you find it awks. Thats not his fault nor yours. I'm not saying have a fight - I'm just saying it seems to have blown out of proportion...
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candlejsra
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So I sent him a message and we spoke on the phone, met up and talked things out.

Issues got solved and we're together and happy.

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