English Descriptive Writing, please help :3

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Report Thread starter 5 years ago
Hey all one of my course work is to write up a descriptive writing and this is what i've come up with so far. Can someone please tell me what grade this will be and what i will need to do in order to improve and reach higher marks.
Thank you!

Rio De Janerio – The Carnival
It has finally arrived. The day of carnival in Rio de Janerio. A phenomenal event that the whole world has been waiting for. Streets of Rio filled with fluorescence lights with crowds all lined up jousting for a position. As the sunset blazed into the azure sky the time for the carnival to begin became closer.
Thousands of people, full of adrenaline, gathered around the gates, roaring wildly like a pack of lions waiting for the barrier to be opened. As that wind howled with a mighty objection the barrier steadily began to cleave apart creating a path way for the herd of people to rush in.
Once seated the crowd arose, from a distance the first float arrives at a crawly pace. Crystalline icicles were gliding forward. Twinkling like sapphire, scorching ladies dressed in shimmering jewelled outfits, made the crowd bellow. They jiggled, twisted and twirled along with the rattling beat of the drums. Freezing cold chairs stacked up in layers like a house of cards glistening across the smooth glimmer path.
As the temperature rose up, the tremendous crowd could be heard from the distance as they gazed with passion for the second float to arrive. The sky began to glow like the flaming orb which rose from the horizon and ignited the whole sky creating one of the most amazing supreme scenarios of nature. Misty smoke gloomed around a gigantic majestic dragon that appeared. Encircling its tail around the mysterious float, it ignited its glorious fire, showing off an overwhelming piece of art. Candles were lit across the dragon’s tail like Diwali lights with the sky blending perfectly with the colourful scenery.
From the distance the vibration of the sound from the Brazilian drums could be heard. The cacophony of voices came closer as the mysterious float appeared. Bright green lights highlighted the trenching claw shaped waterfall that looked like silk hair swishing down. Surrounding the mysterious float ware six parallel braziers. Each brazier had scantily dressed beauty dancing for the audiences. Just behind the claw, an enormous globe was placed onto the float with a beautiful woman wearing a feathery scarf along with a long extended dress. The beautiful women who seemed elevated being a queen arose from her feathery seat as the crowd applauded the amazing scenery.
Gradually the sun started to dim from the horizon, the next float followed. This time it was a gigantic Inflatable Rib. The Rib had a red and white striped pot that dwarfed people could see through its sheer size. Following the Inflatable rib was a rainbow patterned colour stream wall that indicated the “wash” of the rib through its display.
As the carnival progressed, the audience gazed in anticipation for the final float to arrive. It was the most colourful and breath-taking float yet. The float had Aztec patterns and sculptures drawn across the whole vehicle. Circling around the float were men dressed up in indigenous outfit like dolphins while the women were standing on the edge, flapping their fire red wings like a phoenix. Inside the float, bright lights were visible like Chinese lanterns.
Finally the carnival was coming to an end. To finish the ceremony off spectacular fireworks were blown across the statue of the Redeemer as it stood proudly beneath the beautiful twilight sky leaving a glow of spark floating in the northern lights. This year’s carnival was another phenomenal moment to remember; these memories will never be forgotten by the spectators.
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Report 5 years ago
Hiya, I noticed it was a bit like a narrative and when I did it we were advised NOT to make it like a story merely as if you are just describing a scene. Also, maybe more variety of sentence openers?
Badges: 9
Report 5 years ago
Hi, I have read through it, and I couldn't tell you what grade it would be (I'm not an examiner:P), but here is my general opinion and some ways in which you could improve;

To be honest, although your use of language is interesting, I found it quite slow and uninteresting to read (sorry if that's harsh), this may have been because there are no powerful, stand out descriptions or sentences, that make it exciting and engaging to read. In addition to this, the narrator also seemed almost bored, I am assuming the narrator would be full of buzz and excitement in this situation, but this isn't really conveyed through what you've written.

-include long and short sentences, and even short paragraphs, to convey the narrators excitement
-use more punctuation such as exclamation marks and semi colons (There only seems to be commas and full stops)
-Focus in on a tiny detail and use a metaphor or another technique to describe this immensely.
-Use some repetition for emphasis (Maybe triples...)

Overall I suggest you read through it and then think about how it made you feel. Also, find an exciting or buzzing description somewhere - in a book, poem or the internet- and look at using some of the techniques that it uses.

Sorry if you weren't going for an exciting tone, but I think it would make the piece more engaging. Good luck.

p.s. I really like what you chose to write about, I think it will be a fantastic piece of coursework!

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