usman458
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Can someone please give me some feedback on my work
This is the question;

"There is going to be a summer festival in your area and the organisers are asking for ideas about what to put on. Write a letter to the organisers which describes what you would like to include and explains why your ideas would appeal to the community" (16 Marks)


Dear organiser,

I am sure that you are aware that the summer festival is approaching and that many people from our cheerful community are looking forward to the festival, I am writing this letter to you to inform you of the fantastic ideas I have for the festival that will not disappoint the members of the community.

Firstly, one of the amazing ideas that I had was to have an ice cream van with a variety of ice creams to choose from. The ice cream van would also have cold drinks and this would appeal to the community because there is no age limit for having ice cream so it will be suitable for everyone at the festival. The concept of having cold drinks and ice cream on a hot day would appeal to the community as it enables them to relax and have a drink and enjoy the festival.

Another fantastic idea as to what to put on for the festival, is to have rides. Having rides at the festival would appeal to the community as children and adults both enjoy going on rides and this would also mean that more people would turn up to the party as it has rides. Having rides at the festival would be beneficial as more people and different age groups would turn up to the festival as different age groups enjoy going on rides.

Another astonishing idea of mine about what to have on for the festival is to have a swimming pool. As the festival is going to be in the summer it would be a great idea to put a swimming pool as people want to chill out and relax in the summer and a swimming pool enables them to do so. This idea would appeal to the community as it means that all age ranges and age groups in the amazing community would be able to come as you don’t need to be a certain age to go in the swimming pool. This would encourage more and more people of the community to come to the festival.

Finally, I would like to say that my ideas would appeal to all the members of the community as my ideas are not based on a particular age group and are involving, bringing the community together, my ideas also are not expensive so this is another reason as to why my ideas would appeal to the community.

Yours faithfully,
Usman
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EngTeach
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Hi,

I have read through your response and have the following ideas.
1. You change tense between your introduction and first paragraph and then back again - present past present.
EG "amazing ideas that I had was to have " - should be "an idea I have is to..."
2. Paragraph on rides is not fully developed - what do you mean by rides exactly.
3. You should aim to be more concise and brief with your words - EG "Another astonishing idea of mine about what to have on for the festival is to have a swimming pool" - "how astonishing would it be to have a swimming pool..." - If you use a rhetorical question you will engage your audience and get them to agree.
4. Aim to alter paragraph starts and avoid repeating "Another..."

Good luck
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usman458
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(Original post by EngTeach)
Hi,

I have read through your response and have the following ideas.
1. You change tense between your introduction and first paragraph and then back again - present past present.
EG "amazing ideas that I had was to have " - should be "an idea I have is to..."
2. Paragraph on rides is not fully developed - what do you mean by rides exactly.
3. You should aim to be more concise and brief with your words - EG "Another astonishing idea of mine about what to have on for the festival is to have a swimming pool" - "how astonishing would it be to have a swimming pool..." - If you use a rhetorical question you will engage your audience and get them to agree.
4. Aim to alter paragraph starts and avoid repeating "Another..."

Good luck
Thanks, i will keep this in mind next time i do it. Thanks again.
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crashMATHS
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(Original post by usman458)
Can someone please give me some feedback on my work
This is the question;

"There is going to be a summer festival in your area and the organisers are asking for ideas about what to put on. Write a letter to the organisers which describes what you would like to include and explains why your ideas would appeal to the community" (16 Marks)


Dear organiser,

I am sure that you are aware that the summer festival is approaching and that many people from our cheerful community are looking forward to the festival, I am writing this letter to you to inform you of the fantastic ideas I have for the festival that will not disappoint the members of the community.

Firstly, one of the amazing ideas that I had was to have an ice cream van with a variety of ice creams to choose from. The ice cream van would also have cold drinks and this would appeal to the community because there is no age limit for having ice cream so it will be suitable for everyone at the festival. The concept of having cold drinks and ice cream on a hot day would appeal to the community as it enables them to relax and have a drink and enjoy the festival.

Another fantastic idea as to what to put on for the festival, is to have rides. Having rides at the festival would appeal to the community as children and adults both enjoy going on rides and this would also mean that more people would turn up to the party as it has rides. Having rides at the festival would be beneficial as more people and different age groups would turn up to the festival as different age groups enjoy going on rides.

Another astonishing idea of mine about what to have on for the festival is to have a swimming pool. As the festival is going to be in the summer it would be a great idea to put a swimming pool as people want to chill out and relax in the summer and a swimming pool enables them to do so. This idea would appeal to the community as it means that all age ranges and age groups in the amazing community would be able to come as you don’t need to be a certain age to go in the swimming pool. This would encourage more and more people of the community to come to the festival.

Finally, I would like to say that my ideas would appeal to all the members of the community as my ideas are not based on a particular age group and are involving, bringing the community together, my ideas also are not expensive so this is another reason as to why my ideas would appeal to the community.

Yours faithfully,
Usman
A clear and consistent response to the task. You meet the form and purpose of this task well and have produced a really nice piece that is pleasurable to read. There are a few punctuation errors along the way, but the pace of your writing is good and the tone is appropriate.

I would suggest that you try to vary the lengths of your sentences and use some dashes and colons here and there to vary and alter the pace of your writing. It will really help with both your skill and content mark. Your piece also lacks that flair and mellifluousness that an A* candidate would have, though I think that can easily be added to your piece if you were to use some higher level vocabulary. One other key element that I think you could add to your writing would be an extra element of description, perhaps of the colours of the ice cream, as it would make your writing a lot more compelling for the reader.

Overall, a great piece. I would award 7/10 for content and 4/6 for skills. Well done


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aimeexoxoxo
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Hi can someone mark my work please. This is question 1 on english language aqa higher paper November 2014 (8 marks)
In this article, we learn that the age of children starting school is different in the UK compared to Finland. This is seen when it says "a full three years later than many children in the UK". This suggests that "Finland has a better outcome outcome", as the children are more focused. As at the age of four they don't really understand the difference between playing with toys, ruining around, making mess, compared to being told "to sit down, be quiet".
Additionly, we learn that starting school at a younger age can affect a child's self esteem. This can be clearly seen when it says "puts pressure on he less bright kids". This suggests that children may feel dumb, silly, embrassed when they can not answer a question and another child can. Therefore they have the "pressure" of having to be as smart as them, and if they don't understand then it makes them feel dumb and stupid which affects their self esteem.
Lastly, we can see that some kids many be diagnosed with learning difficulties when in fact they don't have it and it's the "pressure" of having to stay focused for a long period on one topic. This can be seen when it says "schooling too early, then being diagnosed with learning difficulties". This suggests that starting school early can cause things likes learning difficulties, alternatively suggesting that perhaps some children don't have learning difficulties; it is where there brain is changing atmosphere. This shows that the brain is adjusting and it takes longer, not the fact that the child has a learning difficulties. We can clearly see this throughout the article, as it refers to the educational system as being "inappropriate", because of the effects it has on a child".
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Aimeeeeeeeeeeee
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Woah I just did that question and my name is Aimee too
P.s. Sorry I can't offer much feedback but your answer sounds very good and better than mine I really need help with English
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