Girlfriend turned Christian 2 years ago - Don't think I can cope anymore

Watch
Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 5 years ago
#1
We have been together for 3 years, she had never had a relationship before, and I had only had these little school 'girlfriends' so I don't think they count.

When we started dating we took things slow, everything was new to her so I didn't want to pressure her, sex wasn't that big a deal we got along and were happy.

After being together for a year she tells me she is becoming Christian, which in short means No sex before marriage, no living together before marriage, not even sleeping in the same room before marriage.

At the start we were happy. I decided to support her because she made me happy. About a year ago she asked me if I wanted to be Christian, it would mean a lot to her if I was. But to be honest I am much more of an atheist if I had to choose, I told her and she was disappointed but accepted it.

There a a couple of questions I want to know:
I can't help but feel all these rules that aren't even my religion are going to cause so many problems, I feel like I need something more than a peck on the cheek to feel intimate. Is that bad?

Do you think she is only staying with me because she hasn't had a boyfriend before, so she is holding on no matter what?
0
reply
donutaud15
Badges: 22
Rep:
?
#2
Report 5 years ago
#2
You're the only one who can answer your question since you should know your girlfriend.

Have a chat with her. Tell her how you feel. Ask what does she want out of your relationship.

Posted from TSR Mobile
2
reply
jay2013
Badges: 17
Rep:
?
#3
Report 5 years ago
#3
(Original post by Anonymous)
There a a couple of questions I want to know:
I can't help but feel all these rules that aren't even my religion are going to cause so many problems, I feel like I need something more than a peck on the cheek to feel intimate. Is that bad?

Do you think she is only staying with me because she hasn't had a boyfriend before, so she is holding on no matter what?
If you think these man-made rules are going to cause many problems then they probably will. We as humans need that feeling of intimacy at times. There is nothing wrong with that.

And yes, she probably is holding on no matter what.

You should have a talk with her to see how you both can get something out of this relationship.
0
reply
Anonymous #1
#4
Report Thread starter 5 years ago
#4
That's the thing though, I'm afraid of asking her.

She has anxiety issues. I don't want to ask her, which will cause the relationship to break down and then she can't do her exams because she has anxiety and no one to talk to.

I would rather suffer than do that to her. But I don't feel like I want this relationship anymore
0
reply
whorace
Badges: 2
Rep:
?
#5
Report 5 years ago
#5
If you like her why not be Christian? You do realise it is as much cultural as it is rational or political, or anything of the sort, you just go to church with her every once and a while or what not and some other smaller stuff lol

There's actually Christian atheism.
1
reply
jay2013
Badges: 17
Rep:
?
#6
Report 5 years ago
#6
At some point you're going to either:

1. Ask her about this relationship
2. Break up with her.
3. Get married, have children and grow old together

Okay... then maybe you could talk to her after her exams?
1
reply
_Fergo
Badges: 19
Rep:
?
#7
Report 5 years ago
#7
Being a Christian myself, I find her way too oppressive and what not. I don't really get such a swift change in beliefs (no Christian I know really adheres to no-sex before marriage).

Sounds like it's the time to call it a day mate.
0
reply
Mankytoes
Badges: 8
Rep:
?
#8
Report 5 years ago
#8
(Original post by Anonymous)
That's the thing though, I'm afraid of asking her.

She has anxiety issues. I don't want to ask her, which will cause the relationship to break down and then she can't do her exams because she has anxiety and no one to talk to.

I would rather suffer than do that to her. But I don't feel like I want this relationship anymore
There's always excuses not to do things like this. It sounds like you are afraid of losing her too. But you've got to face the facts- religion is not a minor thing, certainly not for her, and it doesn't sound like you two are compatable.

She might well want to hold on to you, because finding guys who will wait until marriage for any intimacy is very difficult.

As an atheist, I don't think I could be happy in a relationship based on Christian values, and it doesn't sound like you can either.
0
reply
whorace
Badges: 2
Rep:
?
#9
Report 5 years ago
#9
(Original post by *Stefan*)
Being a Christian myself, I find her way too oppressive and what not. I don't really get such a swift change in beliefs (no Christian I know really adheres to no-sex before marriage).

Sounds like it's the time to call it a day mate.
Converts are usually the most militant, usually due to inexperience of socialisation (not entirely sure what is considered the norm) and overt desire to conform (since sometimes the entire reason people convert is for boundaries).
0
reply
Mankytoes
Badges: 8
Rep:
?
#10
Report 5 years ago
#10
(Original post by whorace)
If you like her why not be Christian? You do realise it is as much cultural as it is rational or political, or anything of the sort, you just go to church with her every once and a while or what not and some other smaller stuff lol

There's actually Christian atheism.
Maybe because his beliefs are as important and valid as hers?

(Original post by *Stefan*)
Being a Christian myself, I find her way too oppressive and what not. I don't really get such a swift change in beliefs (no Christian I know really adheres to no-sex before marriage).

Sounds like it's the time to call it a day mate.
The converts are always the most fundamentalist.
0
reply
whorace
Badges: 2
Rep:
?
#11
Report 5 years ago
#11
(Original post by Mankytoes)
Maybe because his beliefs are as important and valid as hers?



The converts are always the most fundamentalist.
Of course they are as important as hers, however as you have said they are quite clearly inconsistent, they either need to compromise (one of them accept the other) or break. Becoming a moderate Christian isn't too much a bad deal if he likes her. Besides itll get better if he marries her right?
0
reply
donutaud15
Badges: 22
Rep:
?
#12
Report 5 years ago
#12
(Original post by whorace)
Of course they are as important as hers, however as you have said they are quite clearly inconsistent, they either need to compromise (one of them accept the other) or break. Becoming a moderate Christian isn't too much a bad deal if he likes her. Besides itll get better if he marries her right?
It is if he doesn't believe in it. He would essentially be lying to her potentially for the rest of their life. Not really a good basis for relationship.

Posted from TSR Mobile
0
reply
donutaud15
Badges: 22
Rep:
?
#13
Report 5 years ago
#13
(Original post by Anonymous)
I would rather suffer than do that to her. But I don't feel like I want this relationship anymore
Personally I think your statements above are contradictory.

You need to decide. I'm sure she can tell if you're suffering (unless she's incredibly self obsessed) and prolonging it would just be worse for her and you.

Posted from TSR Mobile
0
reply
Mankytoes
Badges: 8
Rep:
?
#14
Report 5 years ago
#14
(Original post by whorace)
Of course they are as important as hers, however as you have said they are quite clearly inconsistent, they either need to compromise (one of them accept the other) or break. Becoming a moderate Christian isn't too much a bad deal if he likes her. Besides itll get better if he marries her right?
That isn't compromise, compromise is meeting in the middle. Sadly, religion, especially Abrahamic religion, isn't really designed for compromise. You're asking him to live a lie, that is a very bad deal, and pretty pathetic to do so just for a girl you like.
0
reply
whorace
Badges: 2
Rep:
?
#15
Report 5 years ago
#15
(Original post by Mankytoes)
That isn't compromise, compromise is meeting in the middle. Sadly, religion, especially Abrahamic religion, isn't really designed for compromise. You're asking him to live a lie, that is a very bad deal, and pretty pathetic to do so just for a girl you like.
I take it your single

People change beliefs all the time for practical reasons. Im surprised why people think its uncommon, or even wrong.
0
reply
Anonymous #1
#16
Report Thread starter 5 years ago
#16
(Original post by donutaud15)
Personally I think your statements above are contradictory.

You need to decide. I'm sure she can tell if you're suffering (unless she's incredibly self obsessed) and prolonging it would just be worse for her and you.

Posted from TSR Mobile
I know how bad it sounds, that's how I have ended up in a situation where I have to ask total strangers for advice.

She knows there is something wrong, but I just come up with excuses. With us both being at University it is really a LDR. If I'm going to break up it will be in person, and if I tell her the truth, i can't break up in person. But at the same time I feel so nasty giving her false hope
0
reply
donutaud15
Badges: 22
Rep:
?
#17
Report 5 years ago
#17
(Original post by whorace)
I take it your single

People change beliefs all the time for practical reasons. Im surprised why people think its uncommon, or even wrong.
It ruins relationships especially for someone incredibly religious. Do you really think one can forgive their partner for lying about an important part of their possible shared lives?

I'm Catholic and my husband Pagan. Never asked him to change religions despite the fact it's important to me because it'll be a lie and would destroy him inside. I suspect it's similar for OP here and his gf so your advice won't work at all.

Posted from TSR Mobile
0
reply
donutaud15
Badges: 22
Rep:
?
#18
Report 5 years ago
#18
(Original post by Anonymous)
I know how bad it sounds, that's how I have ended up in a situation where I have to ask total strangers for advice.

She knows there is something wrong, but I just come up with excuses. With us both being at University it is really a LDR. If I'm going to break up it will be in person, and if I tell her the truth, i can't break up in person. But at the same time I feel so nasty giving her false hope
I stand by my advice, talk to her. You never know you might come up with some sort of compromise. That is assuming you still care about her.

Posted from TSR Mobile
0
reply
whorace
Badges: 2
Rep:
?
#19
Report 5 years ago
#19
(Original post by donutaud15)
It ruins relationships especially for someone incredibly religious. Do you really think one can forgive their partner for lying about an important part of their possible shared lives?

I'm Catholic and my husband Pagan. Never asked him to change religions despite the fact it's important to me because it'll be a lie and would destroy him inside. I suspect it's similar for OP here and his gf so your advice won't work at all.

Posted from TSR Mobile
Why is it lying? Most people don't have strongly held beliefs in the first place, that's the point. That's why they can adapt another culture so easily. And there's nothing wrong with that, if the other person or culture improves their life.

So one anecdote invalidates my entire advice?
0
reply
JC.
Badges: 19
Rep:
?
#20
Report 5 years ago
#20
Make it clear that it's fine for her to have a hobby but it's her hobby, not yours and you don't want it impacting on your life as much as is practically possible.
1
reply
X

Quick Reply

Attached files
Write a reply...
Reply
new posts
Back
to top
Latest
My Feed

See more of what you like on
The Student Room

You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

Personalise

Do you have the space and resources you need to succeed in home learning?

Yes I have everything I need (288)
55.81%
I don't have everything I need (228)
44.19%

Watched Threads

View All
Latest
My Feed

See more of what you like on
The Student Room

You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

Personalise