As I write this I realise I've come to a point in my life when something drastic needs to change. I've been drinking v. heavily, to the point of not remembering, for the last week, most of the time on my own. It started on Sunday last week when I went out clubbing and got very drunk, woke up the next morning and just carried on drinking as I was feeling so low. The cycle has repeated and I've done no work at university, passing it off to my professors as writers' block. I've been pretending everything is fine to the friends I do have but my relationships with them are under strain with my crass behaviour when drunk. I really don't know where to turn.
As for the underlying causes, I can probably identify a few. My girlfriend and I broke up about a year ago and it was v. messy. I called her all sorts of names and for that I'm not proud. But I've still not been able to get over her, and when I see her out pulling random guys and taking them home, it hurts a lot. I met a great girl over the summer, but she had an on off bf and went back to him after what she considered a fling. That she said she loved me didn't seem to matter. Also, my nan passed away earlier this year, and though I refused to let myself cry at the funeral for the sake of my mom, I bottled up all the hurt and still carry it with me. I've also recently moved universities, leaving me with no firmly rooted social network. My parents aren't helpful and just tell me to pull myself together. I aired the concern that I was depressed and they told me not to be daft. They treat any such talk with contempt, arguing that I'm in such a wonderful life position. Objectively I am, but what does objectivity count for. I'm not sure what depression feels like, but I certainy don't feel great at the moment that's for sure. I get a real sense of worthlessness and disgust at myself- as though everything has been given to me on a plate and I'm literaly pissing on it.
As for the binges I've been on at least four recently and just got a text from a friend asking if I fancied a pint. Trouble is, a pint turns into 6 and then some big spirits drinking. Both my parents drink sensibly and I've been a heavy social drinker now for about 5 years. But the secret boozing and ill effects drinking is having on my life have only recently surfaced. Until a few months ago, I would never have thought of drinking alone, save the odd glass of wine. Needless to say, Christmas will present a variety of temptations.
I know this isn't a very cheery post and I'm sorry for lumbering it on folks, but I thought such a forum, what with its anonymity and all, would be an ideal place to get some tips on getting through this.