My boyfriend is dying of cancer. Not sure how to act? Watch

Anonymous #1
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Sorry about the blunt title, I just don't really don't know how to handle this.

Basically I'm dealing with a serious long distance relationship... that is nearing its end.

Despite the distance, we talk constantly, but its a very close friendship as much as it is a relationship. he has recently been diagnosed with cancer and does not have long left.
There is nothing that can be done to cure it.
I'm really struggling with this because I haven't been able to introduce him to my parents (for personal reasons),so can't talk to them about it, and when I tell my friends I'm struggling, they just take me for a night out... which usually ends up in them all getting dunk and trying to pull, which makes me feel worse.
But i don't know, seeing as the relationship isn't going to last, perhaps i should be acting more like a single girl?
On the one hand, the relationship isn't going to last for much longer, and he has been joking around about which of my guy friends it would be 'acceptable' for me to get with
But on the other, I don't want to look like "a betch running away once her boyfriend gets cancer" and I do really care about him.. i was looking at him as possibly being 'the one'

But thinking about this makes me feel selfish, because I don't know how to console him when he gets upset, I've never dealt with anything like this before, how can I tell him it's ok, when clearly it isnt?

I was just hoping for some opinions about how i can deal with this, am i just being a moany betch and need to suck it up and be strong?

Help? :confused:
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robthehero
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I don't think you should "suck it up and be strong". The mixed feelings you are experiencing are completely normal; they are part of the process of having to part with someone for good. I think you should communicate your feelings to him, and see where you guys stand. If you no longer wish to be in a liaison with him through a relationship, you can very well still be his best friend/strongest support system. Make sure you are straightforward with him once you do figure out your feelings and everything will work out.

Going to the point of consoling him, just let him know that you are there for him. Hear his thoughts out, and let him know that if there is anything he needs to let out, you're the one who will listen. Listening is key. Be careful with your input. All in all, you know your boyfriend/best friend best. Pay attention to his moods, feelings, body language etc. and respond accordingly.

Send me a PM if you need anything else! Hang in there!
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hydrogirl_13
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just be there for him to take his mind off it
I personally would do the whole bucket list type thing, making his last few months here the best they can be.
u don't have to console him at the time, just being there will do wonders for him
my husband went through leukaemia and hes a total introvert because of it and doesn't like to talk about it still but knowing people were there fore him and around him made the difference
your friends obviously don't understand your situation - going out and getting drunk is not the thing to do, go see a counsellor about how your feeling
he might prefer to pretend not to think about it, for him to be saying about his guy friends is possibly his way of coping, to make light of the situation or to get a reaction from u.

personally I wouldn't act like im single yet, I realise u don't want to be a b*tch and are more likely protecting yourself for when he does die. maybe start to pull away emotionally i.e. relationship wise from him and concentrate on being his friend more?
feel free to message me
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miser
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I'm so sorry you're going through something like this. It must be unimaginably hard. I'd say you don't have to act in any particular way - just be true to the emotions that you feel. Confide in the people you can confide in, be there for your boyfriend in the ways you can, and let him be there for you too.

I really don't think you should "act more like a single girl." Cheating on your boyfriend who's dying of cancer... That would just be unforgivable.

If you don't know what to say to your boyfriend, that's okay. You can tell him that. It will be enough for him that you care about him and are sticking by him. Don't worry too much about being 'strong'. Just quietly showing you're there for him is strength enough.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by robthehero)
I think you should communicate your feelings to him, and see where you guys stand. If you no longer wish to be in a liaison with him through a relationship, you can very well still be his best friend/strongest support system. Make sure you are straightforward with him once you do figure out your feelings and everything will work out.
I feel bad being the one to bring it up in conversation because i know as much as it is awful for me, it's tragic for him, and usually ends in him telling me hes sorry for leaving, which he shouldnt have to be!
I feel like it may have been easier to end the relationship side of things, although i know it would kill him to do so, so i suppose this is the lesser of two evils?

(Original post by hydrogirl_13)
I personally would do the whole bucket list type thing, making his last few months here the best they can be.
he might prefer to pretend not to think about it, for him to be saying about his guy friends is possibly his way of coping
I'm trying to do encourage him to check off his bucket list, but because of the distance its difficut for me to help him with it
i hadnt thought of it like that, thank you for this


(Original post by miser)
I really don't think you should "act more like a single girl." Cheating on your boyfriend who's dying of cancer... That would just be unforgivable.
completely agree and going out and pulling isnt really me anyway, but as hee keeps mentioning it, its sort of messing with my head a little becasue its as though he wants me to move on already, and i dont know if can, and certainly dont want to do that right now
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hydrogirl_13
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I its sort of messing with my head a little becasue its as though he wants me to move on already, and i dont know if can, and certainly dont want to do that right now
I think hes prob trying to not get hurt emotionally himself or protecting you t
hink of it like a close friend hurting u or promising something -like taking u to the cinema then forgetting and taking someone else or something or accidently breaking ur arm - your hurting but u don't let the other person know y ur hurting u say ur fine or encourage them to go ahead with plans even tho U were meant to be invited to that event and they invited someone else instead - most people cope by making light of the situation or making the other person feel as ease (but doing it too much causes the opposite to happen) - does that make sense?
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KGH
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[QUOTE=Anonymous;54571121]Sorry about the blunt title, I just don't really don't know how to handle this.

You can start by thinking about how you would like other people to react if you were dying of cancer. How would you like other people to treat you? This is just the beginning. I have encountered cancer within the family and outside the family and in fact very recently when just a few months ago a friend of mine told me that she had been diagnosed with cancer.

The illness progressed very quickly. At one point we lost contact with each other. I cannot help thinking that she might be dead by now. I tried to contact her several times but I got no reply.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by hydrogirl_13)
I think hes prob trying to not get hurt emotionally himself or protecting you t
hink of it like a close friend hurting u or promising something - most people cope by making light of the situation or making the other person feel as ease (but doing it too much causes the opposite to happen) - does that make sense?
yes this makes perfect sense, thank you so much
so would you say joking along with him lightly, but not going along with it, is ok? (that was my plan)

(Original post by KGH)
You can start by thinking about how you would like other people to react if you were dying of cancer. How would you like other people to treat you? This is just the beginning. I have encountered cancer within the family and outside the family and in fact very recently when just a few months ago a friend of mine told me that she had been diagnosed with cancer.

The illness progressed very quickly. At one point we lost contact with each other. I cannot help thinking that she might be dead by now. I tried to contact her several times but I got no reply.
I'm so sorry to hear about your friend
if you don't mind me asking, did you find that it helped to talk about it? and if so, were you ever the one to bring it up or did you wait until they did?
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karl pilkington
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Hi when you say the relationship is coming to an end do you mean because he is dying or were you going to split up with him anyway? I would say maybe write a letter to his parents or something. Have you ever thought about doing nice things with him like going on a hot air balloon ride or something (depending on how well he is)?. Not to be rude but his parents probably think their relationship with him is more important so try not to be too intrusive after all it is their son.
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JuliusDS92
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God that's horrible OP, I'm so sorry.
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scrotgrot
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I feel bad being the one to bring it up in conversation because i know as much as it is awful for me, it's tragic for him, and usually ends in him telling me hes sorry for leaving, which he shouldnt have to be!
I feel like it may have been easier to end the relationship side of things, although i know it would kill him to do so, so i suppose this is the lesser of two evils?


I'm trying to do encourage him to check off his bucket list, but because of the distance its difficut for me to help him with it
i hadnt thought of it like that, thank you for this



completely agree and going out and pulling isnt really me anyway, but as hee keeps mentioning it, its sort of messing with my head a little becasue its as though he wants me to move on already, and i dont know if can, and certainly dont want to do that right now
You probably want to stop thinking of all this through the lens of a relationship and think of it more as a timey-wimey ball of smooshy friendy-bondy-lovey stuff. If your relationship has had any substance to it whatsoever you are probably not exactly in the right frame of mind to go out partying with other guys anyway, and you will have shared the sort of stuff which creates a bond between you that surpasses stupid things like relationship labels. You can't really be thinking in terms of "ending the relationship" and so forth, that has all lost its meaning. A bit like the coalition government during the election campaign, or the natural laws of physics when you fall into a black hole.

Imagine the love of your life, with whom you had had a long relationship, marries someone else: I'm sure you'd want to at least get in contact with him, go over the old times when you both got old, despite the fact that you haven't even seen each other for n decades and your relationship has long not even had the label of friendship.

As a guy he cannot get away from feeling like he needs to be the protector and look after your welfare first, even though he's dying of cancer. Reassure him that you are not going to let it hang over you for years after he's died and never move on, but you are neither emotionally or morally capable of running off with some other guy just because he is now a "lame duck" boyfriend.

For what it's worth, though I am not trying to make any particular point, at school I remember a girl who left her boyfriend by mutual consent after his dad died of a misadventure. She was vilified by everyone else for leaving him even though he genuinely wanted to end it himself more than she did if anything. Also at school I remember a teacher's boyfriend had cancer (though not fatal) and she stood by him through it.

Sorry if I've said anything insensitive or presumptuous in the above. I wish you and he the best and hope the time you both have left is well used.
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hydrogirl_13
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Yeah I would saw go along and joke lightly, maybe go along with it and say things like "how about Tom? Oh wait he's really ugly and has that tooth thing, mmmh maybe nick? Mmm but then again he's a bit weird and a geek, have u not got Ashton kutcher as a friend? etc" just as an example then it's letting him know ur not going to date his friends and still making light of it (it also makes it seem like u r putting him in the same category as a celeb? )
also bucket lists don't have to b expensive or massive things but things like going for a picnic or to the seaside can be good and creates happy memories and something for him to look forward to when u come to bisit
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Anonymous #2
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Sorry about the blunt title, I just don't really don't know how to handle this.

Basically I'm dealing with a serious long distance relationship... that is nearing its end.

Despite the distance, we talk constantly, but its a very close friendship as much as it is a relationship. he has recently been diagnosed with cancer and does not have long left.
There is nothing that can be done to cure it.
I'm really struggling with this because I haven't been able to introduce him to my parents (for personal reasons),so can't talk to them about it, and when I tell my friends I'm struggling, they just take me for a night out... which usually ends up in them all getting dunk and trying to pull, which makes me feel worse.
But i don't know, seeing as the relationship isn't going to last, perhaps i should be acting more like a single girl?
On the one hand, the relationship isn't going to last for much longer, and he has been joking around about which of my guy friends it would be 'acceptable' for me to get with
But on the other, I don't want to look like "a betch running away once her boyfriend gets cancer" and I do really care about him.. i was looking at him as possibly being 'the one'

But thinking about this makes me feel selfish, because I don't know how to console him when he gets upset, I've never dealt with anything like this before, how can I tell him it's ok, when clearly it isnt?

I was just hoping for some opinions about how i can deal with this, am i just being a moany betch and need to suck it up and be strong?

Help? :confused:
I think it is only your mindset that needs to change. If you genuinely still have as strong a feelings that you had then understand that you will not be with him forever, and enjoy and appreciate the time that you still have together. You may wish to start trying to find a better support network. If you haven't already you might want to consider telling you friends what might actually be helpful when supporting you, and tell them why you don't like the things that they are doing. Also make sure you show that you are appreciative of their support, and if they truly want to support you then they will listen and try to take your advice.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by karl pilkington)
Hi when you say the relationship is coming to an end do you mean because he is dying or were you going to split up with him anyway? I would say maybe write a letter to his parents or something. Have you ever thought about doing nice things with him like going on a hot air balloon ride or something (depending on how well he is)?. Not to be rude but his parents probably think their relationship with him is more important so try not to be too intrusive after all it is their son.
because he is dying, no other reason
i would love to do that but as its long distance i probably wont be able too, or if i will he would be too sick.
also, he um.. doesnt have parents (for want of better words) but I am in close contact to his siblings which i suppose is comforting

(Original post by scrotgrot)
You probably want to stop thinking of all this through the lens of a relationship and think of it more as a timey-wimey ball of smooshy friendy-bondy-lovey stuff. If your relationship has had any substance to it whatsoever you are probably not exactly in the right frame of mind to go out partying with other guys anyway, and you will have shared the sort of stuff which creates a bond between you that surpasses stupid things like relationship labels. You can't really be thinking in terms of "ending the relationship" and so forth, that has all lost its meaning. A bit like the coalition government during the election campaign, or the natural laws of physics when you fall into a black hole.

Sorry if I've said anything insensitive or presumptuous in the above. I wish you and he the best and hope the time you both have left is well used.
Thank you so much, no this isn't insensitive at all, i came on here for honest opinions and quite frankly i liked your analogies
The issues with going out with other guys more comes from just the things he's been saying i suppose. Its really not my scene normally, but I almost feel like he wants me to to prove to him that i'll be ok?
I sort of want to talk to him about it but i dont want to be wrong about my own assumptions and embarrass myself or be incensitive etc.

Although this isn't the case, as i'm writing all this, it seems to be coming out as if i have a really childish mindset..?
i just dont want to do anything that might mess up the time we have left
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by hydrogirl_13)
Yeah I would saw go along and joke lightly, maybe go along with it and say things like "how about Tom? Oh wait he's really ugly and has that tooth thing
(you've made me laugh because yes, this is a perfect example) :')
thank you so much for this, i feel like just talking about it openly has helped so much
ill try and get some buckey things arragned

(Original post by Anonymous)
I think it is only your mindset that needs to change. If you genuinely still have as strong a feelings that you had then understand that you will not be with him forever, and enjoy and appreciate the time that you still have together. You may wish to start trying to find a better support network. If you haven't already you might want to consider telling you friends what might actually be helpful when supporting you, and tell them why you don't like the things that they are doing. Also make sure you show that you are appreciative of their support, and if they truly want to support you then they will listen and try to take your advice.
(not sure what you mean by bit in bold?)
I see what you mean about talking to people more honestly about it, I just hate to seem like I'm moaning(hence the anonymous posts), after all, its not as though they can help his situation if you see what i mean?
Also, being at Uni, my friends here tend to pretty much always go out if they socialize, i don't want to make it a big deal
((very possibly just being a drama queen... if so, sorry))
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hydrogirl_13
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Not a drama queen at all, it's tough to go through and many don't understand, if it helps writing on here keep it up
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thisistheend
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Sorry about the blunt title, I just don't really don't know how to handle this.

Basically I'm dealing with a serious long distance relationship... that is nearing its end.

Despite the distance, we talk constantly, but its a very close friendship as much as it is a relationship. he has recently been diagnosed with cancer and does not have long left.
There is nothing that can be done to cure it.
I'm really struggling with this because I haven't been able to introduce him to my parents (for personal reasons),so can't talk to them about it, and when I tell my friends I'm struggling, they just take me for a night out... which usually ends up in them all getting dunk and trying to pull, which makes me feel worse.
But i don't know, seeing as the relationship isn't going to last, perhaps i should be acting more like a single girl?
On the one hand, the relationship isn't going to last for much longer, and he has been joking around about which of my guy friends it would be 'acceptable' for me to get with
But on the other, I don't want to look like "a betch running away once her boyfriend gets cancer" and I do really care about him.. i was looking at him as possibly being 'the one'

But thinking about this makes me feel selfish, because I don't know how to console him when he gets upset, I've never dealt with anything like this before, how can I tell him it's ok, when clearly it isnt?

I was just hoping for some opinions about how i can deal with this, am i just being a moany betch and need to suck it up and be strong?

Help? :confused:
It really depends on what type of cancer.

Pancreatic and it's really time to move on.

Something less serious like prostate or stomach cancer and your bf still has a good chance of survical. Stick with him and he'll be grateful to you for the rest of his life.
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knightandday
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Sorry about the blunt title, I just don't really don't know how to handle this.

Basically I'm dealing with a serious long distance relationship... that is nearing its end.

Despite the distance, we talk constantly, but its a very close friendship as much as it is a relationship. he has recently been diagnosed with cancer and does not have long left.
There is nothing that can be done to cure it.
I'm really struggling with this because I haven't been able to introduce him to my parents (for personal reasons),so can't talk to them about it, and when I tell my friends I'm struggling, they just take me for a night out... which usually ends up in them all getting dunk and trying to pull, which makes me feel worse.
But i don't know, seeing as the relationship isn't going to last, perhaps i should be acting more like a single girl?
On the one hand, the relationship isn't going to last for much longer, and he has been joking around about which of my guy friends it would be 'acceptable' for me to get with
But on the other, I don't want to look like "a betch running away once her boyfriend gets cancer" and I do really care about him.. i was looking at him as possibly being 'the one'

But thinking about this makes me feel selfish, because I don't know how to console him when he gets upset, I've never dealt with anything like this before, how can I tell him it's ok, when clearly it isnt?

I was just hoping for some opinions about how i can deal with this, am i just being a moany betch and need to suck it up and be strong?

Help? :confused:
Dont feel guilty about the way you`re feeling. things like this tend to affect both parties involved, so you`re feeling are completely normal.

My advice would be to try to be strong and make the best of the time you have left with him. also it could be that he is saying those things as a form of distraction to help him cope, so dont take it to heart.
Enjoy your time with him so that when you look back you`ll know in your heart it was time well spent.
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The_Blade
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The power of love is more powerful than cancer, it can cure it.

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Anonymous #1
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I don't feel like many read my op properly
"There is nothing that can be done to cure it" (..or rather, was)
Thank you all for your advice, regardless, I really did appreciate it.
xx
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