Complicated situation - are these feelings normal, or am I an anomaly? Watch

Hashim123
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I understand this is a long-ass thread, but it describes a pretty complicated scenario that's affected me quite a bit lately. It's has taken a lot of soul-searching and heart-pouring just to sit down and write it, so I'd like purely serious answers, please. The situation is complicated enough that each detail matters, which is why I've included them, so if you're going to skim the thread just for the questions, then I'd prefer you didn't answer at all. I'd also especially appreciate the input of anyone who's been in a similar situation.

So I have a female friend from another city, who I've known for over five good years now. We're incredibly close to each other, and up until recently talked pretty much every day and had an FWB thing going on where we sexted every so often. I've also been to visit her a few times. A few weeks ago, we all but agreed that we'd have sex together - it'll be both mine and her's first time, and we agreed that it made sense considering how close we were and how we both wanted to. It's a pretty complicated relationship, but to cut a long story short, she's been in love with me for about two years or so. I've never gotten into a relationship with her for two reasons: a) I've never really felt compatible with or attracted to her as a partner, and b) I've never really had the will/time/energy for a relationship, especially one as consuming as one with her would be.

Just a week ago, she suddenly got into a relationship. She wouldn't have committed to it without asking me, which she did. Knowing just how much her unreciprocated love for me was killing her and how much she deserved to be in a normal relationship, I wanted nothing else for her at the time, so encouraged her into it. Then two things happened. First: when it actually hit home that she'd fallen out of love with me, I noticed my self-esteem drop like nothing. This coincided with some other factors in my life to make me feel pretty miserable as a whole. I recall telling her I was done with life at one point. Second: I started to feel jealous of her boyfriend.

My questions are this.

1. Was the fact that my self-esteem took a drop when she fell out of love with me - even though I didn't reciprocate that love - a sign I had an unhealthy self-esteem to begin with, or would you say it's normal given the circumstances?

2. Is it normal for me to feel jealous of her boyfriend given that I'm not attracted to her in that way? Doing some introspection, I realised I probably see her as much more than just a friend, and that's probably not helped by the FWB thing, but if I did like her, would I not be able to tell? I feel like I'm only physically-attracted to her in a way I would be for any girl I've built up such a deep connection with. When I look at her face, I don't really feel anything significant that tells me I love or even like her.

3. Her now being in a relationship naturally means our agreement to have sex is no longer on, and she'll most likely have her first time with him instead. I've explained to her that this makes me feel not just a little betrayed, but again incredibly jealous and a little resentful of him. She responded by saying she'd have it with me after she's no longer going out with him (forgot to mention that the lifespan of this relationship will be for about three months, after which they both leave college and part ways), but something about that idea - having sex with her once he already has - puts me off. She questioned whether this was maybe a little misogynistic, and I wonder the same - is it? Or is it relatively-normal (i.e. biologically/psychologically) to be disgusted by the idea of someone else having had sex with someone you at least care for, to the point you no longer wanted to?

Thanks for reading all that, and thanks in advance to anyone who can help. Really appreciate it.
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purplehedgehog11
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Can I ask out of curiosity whether she knew that you didn't feel compatible with or attracted to her as a partner? Or just that you weren't in love with her?

IMO it's not misogynistic for you to not want to have sex with her once she's had sex with that guy (question mark cos I'm not entirely certain lol)? IDK, I think feelings of resentment and jealousy are prevalent in both men and women, but the thing with men is that they're more likely to act out those feelings in a violent manner? I think women tend to hold men to different standards in terms of sexual conduct but it's not pure misogyny if a man is put off sex with a woman because of who else she's had sex with?
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Hashim123
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(Original post by purplehedgehog11)
Can I ask out of curiosity whether she knew that you didn't feel compatible with or attracted to her as a partner? Or just that you weren't in love with her?
Yeah, she pretty much knew it all, we'd discussed it loads of times, which is why I was so keen for her to get into a relationship just a few weeks ago.

IMO it's not misogynistic for you to not want to have sex with her once she's had sex with that guy (question mark cos I'm not entirely certain lol)? IDK, I think feelings of resentment and jealousy are prevalent in both men and women, but the thing with men is that they're more likely to act out those feelings in a violent manner? I think women tend to hold men to different standards in terms of sexual conduct but it's not pure misogyny if a man is put off sex with a woman because of who else she's had sex with?
Thanks for the input, I appreciate it. Can I ask whether you're a guy or girl?

Any other takers?
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Onion Ring
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1. It seems you enjoyed the attention. I understand what it's like to be in someone's thoughts constantly and one I'd lost that I felt pretty down about myself.
2. Like my other point, you are probably jealous that he's now the centre of her attention. You grew used to it so it will be hard to pick everything back up.
3. Perhaps it was that you were expecting it to be with you first, so now that has changed you have put the resentment on him.
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Alaric III
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You may not have loved her, but you definitely loved being loved (I get that), but you have to understand that you can't ask her to wait around her whole life for you when you don't want the same things as her. If this is too much for you to handle then cut off contact and move on.

Either way, if she actually likes her partner, it's too late for you to change the situation, and out of respect for her you have to keep your nose out of it; especially if you feel jealous.

Alesson to take away from this is that firstly FWB only works if both members feel exactly the same way, and that threatening suicide is always a **** move (especially if you've not given any attention to her before).

My condolences to that friendship - I don't doubt that what you're feeling will be the same as if it were a committed relationship.
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ssupernova
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It's true what they say : you don't know what you got till its gone ! Everybody has done this so don't feel too bad , but put yourself in her shoes . unrequited love is painful , sometimes for both parties , could you bear to be around someone you have such strong feelings for when they don't feel the same ?
I think it's clear you like her more than you thought , but make sure it is actually what you want and just kind of a shock reaction to her relationship .
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TykeDragon
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Not read other responses so sorry if I'm repeating. My answers are in the quote, in bold.

(Original post by Hashim123)
1. Was the fact that my self-esteem took a drop when she fell out of love with me - even though I didn't reciprocate that love - a sign I had an unhealthy self-esteem to begin with, or would you say it's normal given the circumstances?

I would say it's normal tbh. When someone loves you, you feel desirable, you know you mean a lot to that person, and to have that taken away does make you feel less desirable. Dw, it won't last, you'll either get over it with time or get it back when you find someone new. I don't think it shows you had an unhealthy self-esteem unless you now see yourself as dirt or are obsessed with replacing that feelin. Just recognising the drop and accepting it (after all you say you didn't find her attractive so didnt want to block her pursuit of love - BTW i think that was the right and selfless thing to do so kudos for that, that was mature.)

2. Is it normal for me to feel jealous of her boyfriend given that I'm not attracted to her in that way? Doing some introspection, I realised I probably see her as much more than just a friend, and that's probably not helped by the FWB thing, but if I did like her, would I not be able to tell? I feel like I'm only physically-attracted to her in a way I would be for any girl I've built up such a deep connection with. When I look at her face, I don't really feel anything significant that tells me I love or even like her.

Yeah i'd say it's normal, you're not jealous of their relationship, you're jealous because you wanted to bone her and now he is instead. (Sorry for being blunt, but that's kinda fair enough.) Again though, at least you accept it as you basically approved it.

3. Her now being in a relationship naturally means our agreement to have sex is no longer on, and she'll most likely have her first time with him instead. I've explained to her that this makes me feel not just a little betrayed, but again incredibly jealous and a little resentful of him. She responded by saying she'd have it with me after she's no longer going out with him (forgot to mention that the lifespan of this relationship will be for about three months, after which they both leave college and part ways), but something about that idea - having sex with her once he already has - puts me off. She questioned whether this was maybe a little misogynistic, and I wonder the same - is it? Or is it relatively-normal (i.e. biologically/psychologically) to be disgusted by the idea of someone else having had sex with someone you at least care for, to the point you no longer wanted to?

I don't think it's a reason to be put off her, I remember I used to feel the same way a few years ago but you grow out of that, especially once you've actually had sex, you see that it's not such a huge thing that marks someone for life. Just accept it and don't think about it, it's natural and you can't expect her to be celibate aside from you. I don't think you'll have any problem accepting this though as you seem to me to be a normal, pretty reasonable guy who so far has been quite good to her - been honest about what you want and not selfishly kept her. GJ.

Thanks for reading all that, and thanks in advance to anyone who can help. Really appreciate it.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Hashim123)
I understand this is a long-ass thread, but it describes a pretty complicated scenario that's affected me quite a bit lately. It's has taken a lot of soul-searching and heart-pouring just to sit down and write it, so I'd like purely serious answers, please. The situation is complicated enough that each detail matters, which is why I've included them, so if you're going to skim the thread just for the questions, then I'd prefer you didn't answer at all. I'd also especially appreciate the input of anyone who's been in a similar situation.

So I have a female friend from another city, who I've known for over five good years now. We're incredibly close to each other, and up until recently talked pretty much every day and had an FWB thing going on where we sexted every so often. I've also been to visit her a few times. A few weeks ago, we all but agreed that we'd have sex together - it'll be both mine and her's first time, and we agreed that it made sense considering how close we were and how we both wanted to. It's a pretty complicated relationship, but to cut a long story short, she's been in love with me for about two years or so. I've never gotten into a relationship with her for two reasons: a) I've never really felt compatible with or attracted to her as a partner, and b) I've never really had the will/time/energy for a relationship, especially one as consuming as one with her would be.

Just a week ago, she suddenly got into a relationship. She wouldn't have committed to it without asking me, which she did. Knowing just how much her unreciprocated love for me was killing her and how much she deserved to be in a normal relationship, I wanted nothing else for her at the time, so encouraged her into it. Then two things happened. First: when it actually hit home that she'd fallen out of love with me, I noticed my self-esteem drop like nothing. This coincided with some other factors in my life to make me feel pretty miserable as a whole. I recall telling her I was done with life at one point. Second: I started to feel jealous of her boyfriend.

My questions are this.

1. Was the fact that my self-esteem took a drop when she fell out of love with me - even though I didn't reciprocate that love - a sign I had an unhealthy self-esteem to begin with, or would you say it's normal given the circumstances?

2. Is it normal for me to feel jealous of her boyfriend given that I'm not attracted to her in that way? Doing some introspection, I realised I probably see her as much more than just a friend, and that's probably not helped by the FWB thing, but if I did like her, would I not be able to tell? I feel like I'm only physically-attracted to her in a way I would be for any girl I've built up such a deep connection with. When I look at her face, I don't really feel anything significant that tells me I love or even like her.

3. Her now being in a relationship naturally means our agreement to have sex is no longer on, and she'll most likely have her first time with him instead. I've explained to her that this makes me feel not just a little betrayed, but again incredibly jealous and a little resentful of him. She responded by saying she'd have it with me after she's no longer going out with him (forgot to mention that the lifespan of this relationship will be for about three months, after which they both leave college and part ways), but something about that idea - having sex with her once he already has - puts me off. She questioned whether this was maybe a little misogynistic, and I wonder the same - is it? Or is it relatively-normal (i.e. biologically/psychologically) to be disgusted by the idea of someone else having had sex with someone you at least care for, to the point you no longer wanted to?

Thanks for reading all that, and thanks in advance to anyone who can help. Really appreciate it.

I think your normal but I can see you have done a fair bit of thinking about this and perhaps you've over thought about it a bit. But I can see you've thought quite clearly about it. Personally, I've been in a sort of similar situation. It Was a bit FWB like but we didn't sleep together or anything. I didn't see him that much but we texted a lot but I didn't really like him or love him as anything more but we were close. I found that I think one of the reason I texted him and got so close to it was I liked the attention. It made me feel good and it highered my self esteem a bit. Similar to your situation. When I went for a bit I missed him, I'd like for his attention to just be on me. I felt lonely like deflated.

Personally I don't think it was anything specific that I really liked him just the attention and the way it made me feel. If that makes sense? I hope that helps.
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purplehedgehog11
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(Original post by Hashim123)
Yeah, she pretty much knew it all, we'd discussed it loads of times, which is why I was so keen for her to get into a relationship just a few weeks ago.



Thanks for the input, I appreciate it. Can I ask whether you're a guy or girl?

Any other takers?
I'm a girl
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