EDs, Recovery and Body Changes Watch

clonedmemories
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#1
Report Thread starter 49 years ago
#1
Having being diagnosed with an eating disorder a few months ago and working on building up to a normal weight, I'm coming along relatively well with my recovery physically, and don't have much more to gain weight-wise until I've reached a normal weight for my height (from about 45kg to currently 52kg, with a goal weight of 55kg). However, at the same time, I'm acutely aware of all the changes that my body is going through and, having always been thin/underweight to some degree even before developing ED behaviours, my body has never felt the way it feels now, and I'm struggling to come to terms with it. I feel almost detached from it, in a way that makes me think this body I'm in isn't my own, and it makes me feel very self-conscious and uncomfortable. I essentially feel completely unlike myself, and like I've lost something that was otherwise a constant and integral part of my identity.


As such, this is just adding another dimension to my internal ED conflict. On the one hand, I want to try and hit my target weight. But on the other, the more my body changes in my efforts to do so, the more I'm coming to hate myself, and the more I just want to stop and try to shake the weight off again. Ideally, I'd like to try and start exercising again to try and "fix" my body shape but continue with more healthy eating habits, but:
A) I'm currently unable to exercise anyway due to an injury and
B) I'm worried I would just fall back into old habits again
And therefore I just feel like I'm stuck, and I'm not sure what I can do to get over these thoughts.


Has anyone else had similar feelings, and if so, how have you overcome them?
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clonedmemories
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#2
Report Thread starter 4 years ago
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It's reached the point where my clothes are no longer fitting - even those I bought less than a month ago. Many of those that do still fit no longer look good. In trying on new things, everything I would normally have picked out no longer looks good on me either. I can't even sleep in the same positions I used to because they're now so uncomfortable for me, and the change in my body shape is very clear when I look in the mirror. I don't know what I can do to feel better about this. I've yet to see any benefit and all I want to do is get the weight right back off again.
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