Should I lose my virginity before meeting him? Watch

Anonymous #1
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I'm 23.

I know, insane, right? It's not like I haven't had a sex drive this whole time but...I was born in a religious cult with mangled sexual practices, which I was on the receiving end of, so I haven't had the courage till now.

Now I'm in love. He's in the army. 6'5, blonde, beautiful to me, so much like me. We fit in every way - the same humour, music tastes, passions. We talk all the time.

He's very, very sexual. And a little rough. Which seems to work for me, because I'm possessed, all I think about is him. We don't meet regularly, I've told him I'm not ready. He's...frustrated, but I think he enjoys the anticipation.

I haven't told him yet. I get the feeling that it'll take a while for me to get into it. I just can't stand the idea of meeting with all this sexual tension and having awkward, patient sex for ages while he waits for me to catch up with him. Also, he'll be automatically better than me, which shifts the power balance, when I want us to be equal and starting this together.

So, and he would hate this, but I want to lose my virginity before him. I've been thinking of going on a dating site and finding someone to ... teach me. Yeah.

How long would it take before it started becoming enjoyable? And I start getting good, at least decent at it? I can't wait for him too long, so if I have to I'll have sex a few times and then tell him I haven't had much experience. But I want it to be explosive, I want to enjoy how intensely I feel for him instead of trying to relax and, ugh...even faking it. I love him too much to do that.

What should I do?

Tl;dr

23 year old virgin meets soldier who is her fantasy, falls in love, wants to lose it before him so she begin properly with him - how long would it take to enjoy and get somewhat good at it?
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Anonymous #2
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lose it him, you love him. It will mean more to you. Tell him, he will understand, probably like you even more so than he already does being all pure and innocent. You know what guys are like..
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unprinted
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Yep, that.
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Adz2042
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my advice is tell him you want him to be your first, but ask him nicely to go gentle as it will be your first time.
there is nothing more hurtful to a guy to know his dream girl has effectively 'cheated' on him just to match up the sex experience.
if he really cares for you, he will understand and make your first time (& future times) the best ever.
the worst thing is having some guy have sex with you, and it to be really bad and unenjoyable.
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Baron of Sealand
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If you have problems, eg pain, with your first time, you will still have those problems with your second, and third, and many other times.

Unless you're planning on sleeping with 100 guys in the next month I doubt it'd be any different.

If anything, he might've a virgin fetish.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by clh_hilary)
If you have problems, eg pain, with your first time, you will still have those problems with your second, and third, and many other times.

Unless you're planning on sleeping with 100 guys in the next month I doubt it'd be any different.

If anything, he might've a virgin fetish.
Argh, he doesn't! He said it was really awkward, overrated, and smelled like coins. He hated it. Of course he wouldn't really care, but it would mean having him basically teach me, instead of us enjoying each other. he's very manly, he sees sex as very primal and elemental, he seems to be very good at it and I just don't want to start off this way.

Are you serious? That long?
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Baron of Sealand
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Argh, he doesn't! He said it was really awkward, overrated, and smelled like coins. He hated it. Of course he wouldn't really care, but it would mean having him basically teach me, instead of us enjoying each other. he's very manly, he sees sex as very primal and elemental, he seems to be very good at it and I just don't want to start off this way.

Are you serious? That long?
Can't be sure.

Depends on who you're with and how's your body like.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by clh_hilary)
Can't be sure.

Depends on who you're with and how's your body like.
I think it'd be good with him, because I wanted him very much when I met him...but on the other hand, he's into light choking and hair pulling and I think...his pace would be hard and fast. Which is probably great if you're 30 with two divorces and five affairs, but maybe i'll need it to be gentle for ages. Which sucks because that's not what I want.
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Baron of Sealand
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I think it'd be good with him, because I wanted him very much when I met him...but on the other hand, he's into light choking and hair pulling and I think...his pace would be hard and fast. Which is probably great if you're 30 with two divorces and five affairs, but maybe i'll need it to be gentle for ages. Which sucks because that's not what I want.
If you want to get used to choking and hair pulling I don't think losing your virginity to anyone random would be of much help. They might be quite vanilla. I've had 200+ people and I still don't like choking or hair pulling.

As for the hard and fast part, it's very difficult to tell as I've said. Some people are naturally loose, some people are naturally tight.
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Anonymous #2
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(Original post by clh_hilary)
If you want to get used to choking and hair pulling I don't think losing your virginity to anyone random would be of much help. They might be quite vanilla. I've had 200+ people and I still don't like choking or hair pulling.

As for the hard and fast part, it's very difficult to tell as I've said. Some people are naturally loose, some people are naturally tight.
People, so men and women?

You need to go have a bath in holy water and make sure you clean your penis thoroughly.
In all seriousness there is no need to sleep with over 200 its ridiculous and makes me wonder if people like this have issues
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Baron of Sealand
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(Original post by Anonymous)
People, so men and women?

You need to go have a bath in holy water and make sure you clean your penis thoroughly.
In all seriousness there is no need to sleep with over 200 its ridiculous and makes me wonder if people like this have issues
Men.

I listen to Queen of Pop MADONNA's track 'Holy Water' off her No 1 album Rebel Heart​ always.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by clh_hilary)
If you want to get used to choking and hair pulling I don't think losing your virginity to anyone random would be of much help. They might be quite vanilla. I've had 200+ people and I still don't like choking or hair pulling.

As for the hard and fast part, it's very difficult to tell as I've said. Some people are naturally loose, some people are naturally tight.
Oh yeah, I doubt anyone else could get me into that. I really like the thought of it but the real experience is probably going to be wooorlds different. Doubt i'll actually get pleasure from it but if it's with him, it's just going to be one of the things he does and I let him. I won't let it go far.

And yeah. I think i'm naturally tight. I really wish I hadn't waited this long, this is a mess.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by clh_hilary)
Men.

I listen to Queen of Pop MADONNA's track 'Holy Water' off her No 1 album Rebel Heart​ always.
Hahaha. You go, Glen Coco.
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Kabloomybuzz
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No

If he geniunely cares about you, it won't matter, he's had the patience to wait until you're ready, why wouldn't he have the patience to wait for you to get used to things with him.

I'm going to tell you something I've found out that most people don't talk about.

Losing your virginity to another person won't work, because your first time with someone new, is still like your first first time in many ways. Everyones body is different. All men don't like the same things, all women don't like the same things. Being with someone new, virgin or not, is a whole new learning experience. The first few times with a new person is always a bit awkward, its never perfect, and it always takes a bit of time to get used to it, because with any new person, you're teaching each other how to do it, you're learning about each others bodies and about your own body. So don't worry about him having to teach you how to have sex, because thats how it always works. And even if you've been with someone for years and years.... sex can still sometimes be a bit meh... purely because we're human and our bodies don't always do what we want them to!

If you're in a relationship with him, losing your virginity to someone else is cheating, it doesn't matter whether you think you're doing it for his benefit or not, you're probably not, you'd be doing it for the benefit of your own insecurities, not for him. If you really think that doing this would benefit him, go ahead and talk to him about it. Ask him if he'd be happy with you doing it. I bet his answer is no, and I bet you know that..

If you love him, if he loves you and you want to have a long term relationship with him, you have GOT to learn to communicate with him. So talk to him about your worries about having sex... if you can't talk to him about it... then maybe you should ask yourself whether you're really ready to be having sex or even a relationship with him or anybody...

If you're worried about pain or tightness... there are things you can do by yourself to gently stretch your hymen and get yourself used to handling penetration a while before you jump into having sex with him.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Kabloomybuzz)
No

If he geniunely cares about you, it won't matter, he's had the patience to wait until you're ready, why wouldn't he have the patience to wait for you to get used to things with him.

I'm going to tell you something I've found out that most people don't talk about.

Losing your virginity to another person won't work, because your first time with someone new, is still like your first first time in many ways. Everyones body is different. All men don't like the same things, all women don't like the same things. Being with someone new, virgin or not, is a whole new learning experience. The first few times with a new person is always a bit awkward, its never perfect, and it always takes a bit of time to get used to it, because with any new person, you're teaching each other how to do it, you're learning about each others bodies and about your own body. So don't worry about him having to teach you how to have sex, because thats how it always works. And even if you've been with someone for years and years.... sex can still sometimes be a bit meh... purely because we're human and our bodies don't always do what we want them to!

If you're in a relationship with him, losing your virginity to someone else is cheating, it doesn't matter whether you think you're doing it for his benefit or not, you're probably not, you'd be doing it for the benefit of your own insecurities, not for him. If you really think that doing this would benefit him, go ahead and talk to him about it. Ask him if he'd be happy with you doing it. I bet his answer is no, and I bet you know that..

If you love him, if he loves you and you want to have a long term relationship with him, you have GOT to learn to communicate with him. So talk to him about your worries about having sex... if you can't talk to him about it... then maybe you should ask yourself whether you're really ready to be having sex or even a relationship with him or anybody...

If you're worried about pain or tightness... there are things you can do by yourself to gently stretch your hymen and get yourself used to handling penetration a while before you jump into having sex with him.
Thank you. This is what I didn't even know I needed to hear.

The thing is...we're not in a relationship. He wants to be, he wants to see me every spare moment, but I've told him I'm not ready. I've told him about what happened to me sexually in the cult, so I know he thinks that's the reason. If it seems strange I've told him about that and not that I'm a virgin, it is. Somehow, because I'm in love with him, I don't want him to know. I don't know why. Like it's giving him too much of me? Too much power.

I sense he's not mature enough to handle it the way I want. I'm very confident and more experienced than him in most other ways, so it would just throw him. He's never met anyone like me before and it would just be another thing, on top of my past.

Until we're actually together, even seeing each other regularly, it still seems like something I have to do. I know it will take time to get used to each other but I can take that. I just need us to start right. I need this one thing to be right.

Anyway, thank you, if this is too muddled no need to respond. Helps to write it down.
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doodle_333
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there's no reason losing your virginity to him doesn't have to be an incredible experience and allow you to enjoy the feeling, all he has to do is take him time and be gentle the first few times... he's not going to mind that

having sex with a random guy will make your first time awful as he will have no motivation to make it good for you and will give you zero experience as your partner will like different things and you are unlikely to be comfortable trying things out with a stranger
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abc101
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Don't have sex with some randomer. Just don't.

If he wouldn't be considerate of your first time, HE ISN'T WORTH HAVING ANYTHING TO DO WITH. There's nothing 'unequal' in any important sense about one partner having sexual experience and one not - I think it speaks to insecurities and incompatibilities in your relationship as a whole if you feel that way.
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Kollol
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I think you should wait for the right time. Don't be emotional in this case
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karl pilkington
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What do you mean smelled like coins. You are over complicating it you should just lose it to him it may damage the relationship otherwise.
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Anonymous #3
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if you want to have sex before him, that's totally fine. altough if you are together it is cheating unless you are in an open relationship. anyway so you could go on a dating site or tinder or something like that, do stay save tough. and keep in mind that this will not make you better in his eyes, and it should be something you do for yourself, if you think it will make you less nervous and it's worth it, then go for it. i just mean that if you do it with someone else first, you will just learn about what that other person considers good, not about what he enjoys.
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