English language q5 and 6. Please could someone mark this??

Sometimes difficult decisions have to be made. Describe a decision that you, or someone you know had to make and explain the consequences. (16 marks)

It was a beautiful, sunny and serene Sunday morning. Birds were chirping cheerfully; clouds were scudding across the sky as if they were rushing to heaven. My friend Natalie and I, we went to the local shopping centre: Wesley Square, determined to find the best dress for our trip to Greece next month. My heart raced repeatedly at the thought of going to Greece because the water there was as clear as crystals and palm trees stood tall like skyscrapers.

Excitement gripped me as my imagination took over…

Surprisingly, the shops were flooded with people of all age: babies, teenagers and even the elderly people! Feeling drowned, suffocated and helpless, we rushed out of the shop with relief.
In a blink of an eye, my watch glared at me angrily as it read ‘1:00pm’. I felt despondent, desperate and disappointed that I had yet to claim my victory. Shooting a glance at my friend, she too seemed deep in thought as if she was completely engulfed.

Lingering on the street like lost puppies, we hunted for our dream dress hungrily but to my dismay, we were rewarded with despondence once again. Suddenly, the air became thicker and the ground started to vibrate violently. What was happening? The ground cracked open like animals being dissected, leaving behind a long fissure fixed on the ground. People screaming. Children crying. Cars hooting. Everything was chaotic.
The vibration escalated to an extent that we could no longer stand and lean against the glass window for support. Natalie tumbled on the ground without warning, her face a colour of bright red and filled with fright and fear. She stared at me, eyes as big as ping pong balls.

What could I do? I couldn’t do anything!

A long deep gash ran along her angelic face, smiles all stopped together and replaced by horror. Blood was everywhere. Desperately, her eyes met mine once more as if she was pleading for help. My feet were glued on the cement ground, my brain went blank- no, and it was not functioning… not at all… My hands held on the post tightly; I had to because if I didn’t, I would simply be killed.
I had no choice. I had to leave her.
Screams were substituted by siren; the ground no longer roared. Feeling guilty, responsible and scared, I casted a glance at the ground, which was now dominated by rubbles and ruins (and crimson blood too). It looked so ghastly like hell. Her ash blonde hair stained by dried red blood and her heart was reluctant to wake up. She looked like a dead flower that was to be discarded…

Many nights I was disturbed by consistent nightmares, all of which were Natalie coming back from death, brandishing a sharp pointy knives and sorrowful eyes on her face. My hands lost its magic and so is my brain.
My whole body is engulfed by pure remorse and infinite regret -because I know very well that there was a slight chance of dragging her away from hell. But I didn’t.

I didn’t save her…

Write a magazine article which persuades young people either to travel or stay at home. (24 marks)

Do you like going on holiday? Is it because you think it is somewhere you have to go once in a lifetime? Do you really think it is worth it?

Not really…

Surprisingly, the latest statistics released by the BBC show that the pass rate in university is 74% higher for those who don’t go on holiday. Isn’t that shocking? Think about it: your 10k job would be guaranteed and so are your dream house and your dream dog! That sounds really enticing doesn’t it? Not going on holiday would mean that we have a successful, brilliant and ideal job. So why risk it?

Teenagers nowadays are too laidback, freewheeling and frivolous. Why? Because The Guardian concluded that going on a holiday would lead to excessive indulgence afterwards, resulting in the poor attendance and performance at school. Remember that teenagers are easily influenced by others! So, we (as the most knowledgeable others) have to set a perfect example for the young generation and to achieve this, we mustn't go on holiday! Go now if you want your child to be a failure in the future. Go now if you want your child to be living off benefit when they reach their mid 30s. Go now if you want your child to be lazy, feckless and indifferent. But the most pragmatic solution is 'NO MORE HOLIDAY'!

Yes, going on a holiday can mean a wonderful time spent broadening your knowledge as well as enjoying the amazing scenery (and sunbathe on the sandy beach). But do you know that nesting sites for endangered marine turtle are removed forcibly, leaving the wretched animals homeless and desperate?

That’s inhumane, cruel and unacceptable- certainly, we shouldn’t take pleasure in something that is not right…

Also, according to ITV, the tuition fee for a university has soared to $10,000 annually.This may seem like ‘nothing’ for the billionaires; however others like you and I would find it extremely difficult to earn such huge amount of money. As a result, spending this money on holiday is not practical as you would need this to change your life. Your future is dependent on the money!

Does holidaying still appeal to you? It certainly doesn’t for me: someone who wants to succeed in life and secures a stable job. Going on holiday will destroy you and brings disasters to the poor animals. Now, I know what to do,but do you?

(edited 9 years ago)

Reply 1

dawideksoltysik

For Question 5, if you haven't used a dictionary or spell check I would give it a 5 only reason being because some punctuation didn't suit some of the sentences and for ideas it would be 8, possibly 9. If I was judging this by how the mark scheme goes, I'd give it 8+5=13 which would be a solid A.

Reply 2

Bonbonsweet

Original post by dawideksoltysik

Also thank you for having a look at this question I answered, i really do appreciate it. You said some punctuation didn't suit the sentences, please could you give me some examples. I tried to use all punctuation in my writing but as you said i didn't actually use the in a correct way. So for example where do you think i could use - in my answer and how could i move the idea grade up to perhaps a 9 or a 10? Thank you so much and also please could you have a look at the 6 marks question I did as well? It is under Q5.

Reply 3

dawideksoltysik

In your third paragraph, you use a exclamation mark at the end of that first sentence which wouldn't suit it her since you are talking about a serious matter. But in fact, you could move the whole mark up to a 9 + 5= 14, still a solid A, maybe even starting to hit that A* but do you get the general gist? There are a few other errors, depends on the examiner; if they want to get the job done and out of the way, they will probably give you a 5 maybe even a 6 and if they really pay attention to the SPaG mistakes then they might go a bit lower with the mark.

Would you like me to print your Q6 and mark it for you or do you just want general feedback?

Reply 4

Bonbonsweet

Original post by dawideksoltysik

Thank you for the feedback, it is really helpful. Yes i totally agree with what you are saying as grammar and punctuation is not my forte. I would really appreciate it if you could give me a detailed feedback if possible for question 6 as I am sure some wouldn't make sense. So for this question, question 5, how do examiners reward mark? For description,feelings ?

Reply 5

dawideksoltysik

Original post by Bonbonsweet

Hi, I will just make it clear that I am not a teacher but because we do a lot of peer marking in class, I know how to give out marks.

For Question 5, you get 10 marks for Communication and Organisation of Ideas and marks out of possible 6 for SPaG which stands for Spelling, Punctuation and Grammar.

Reply 6

dawideksoltysik

Ok I will bullet point the targets for you:

- Tense: You change between past and present
- Word Shaping: Sometimes you use the wrong end of a word to suit the tense. It's not ok to change the tense in the middle of the sentence.
- Paragraphing: It is very effective to have on sentence paragraphs however make sure that it's on a different topic to the one written previously. If it's for an effect, use a connective to show it's to link wit the previous paragraph.

All in all a very good response and again, if you spend the correct timings, you will be looking at 10 + 5 = 15 / 24 but bear in mind I am quite a harsh of a marker so this could possibly go up. Also, I am a student just like you and I find marking your work helpful for myself to! Hope I help you! :smile:

Pm, and I will give you my email so you, if you want, can send me your work and if you want I can mark it and annotate it for you if you want!

Reply 7

Bonbonsweet

Original post by dawideksoltysik

Pm, and I will give you my email so you, if you want, can send me your work and if you want I can mark it and annotate it for you if you want!

Really, if that's okay with you, then it is fabulous because honestly i can do questions like crazy and it gets to a point where i give my work for my teacher to mark but he is not even bothered to mark all of them. But i can't make him mark it again because he did half of it and I feel bad for increasing his workload. So, if that is okay with you then i will really appreciate it. Also for this question please could you give me some examples where you have used the wrong word shape as I am terrible at this as could find the error... Thank you