21yo virgin. Think something's wrong with me...

First off, I'm a girl, 21, and have never had a relationship. Not even a few dates with someone. And I think something's wrong me, not physically, I know I'm not bad looking, I just can't really get my head around it. I'll try and keep this brief:

At school I was definitely a late bloomer. Until about 16 I looked like a child, I was really tiny and cute. What's more I felt like a child, I didn't have the teenage yearnings of boyfriends, drinking etc. I was just happy having friends and family. Yes I had celebrity childish crushes, but I never fancied anyone in school or anything. So this early, innocent experience of boys a lot of girls have, completely passed me.

At 18 I started clubbing, and kissing random guys on nights out. I ended up doing this often on nights out because I thought that was the done thing. I weren't bothered about keeping phone numbers or persuing anything further. It was just a bit of drunken fun. I was completely happy being single.

This kissing business continued for about a year, but I soon turned off it. Mainly because a close friend of mine ended up with a nasty case of glandular fever and I thought it wasn't worth kissing random strangers I don't give a toss about for that. So I no longer kiss guys on nights out.

Outside of clubbing, I just don't meet guys. My course is about 95% girls, all of my friends are girls. So I only ever meet guys when clubbing. Nowadays if I see a guy I like out clubbing, (which is actually rare, I don't feel attracted to many people) I tend just to have a dance and get their number. But the next day I feel cripplingly awkward about the whole thing. The idea of it all just makes me feel uncomfortable, as if it's wrong, and I just end up not replying. I feel like the fact that I've been picked up on a night out, and purely because of my looks (the only characteristic one can go by on a night out) is just wrong. It makes me feel uncomfortable and unhappy with myself.

I suppose I have weird feelings about sex and relationships. One side of me loves the idea, and yearns for a boyfriend, and now I'm 21 I do really feel like something's missing in my life. But this other side of me always runs away when the possibility arises, I always find an excuse that seems really viable to not date the guy at the time. It's usually a flaw I find in their person so I don't have to feel guilty about the whole thing. And when I do agree to not pursue anything further, I feel such a sense of relief.

I just don't think this is normal, can anyone relate to this? I feel like such a weirdo (for want of a better word!) over this.

Reply 1

Rovey

you're only 21 plenty of time to swing things around. Try getting involved in societies at uni to meet some more guys.

(edited 9 years ago)

Reply 2

shawn_o1

virgin? me 2 (and 4 life)

Reply 3

inachigeek21

Chill OP... you still have time; 21 is still a young age in my opinion.

Reply 4

pagorai

Original post by Anonymous

Outside of clubbing, I just don't meet guys. My course is about 95% girls, all of my friends are girls. So I only ever meet guys when clubbing.

I tend just to have a dance and get their number. But the next day I feel cripplingly awkward about the whole thing. The idea of it all just makes me feel uncomfortable, as if it's wrong, and I just end up not replying.

How is it possible you do not meet guys outside clubbing? Like you never even talk to them? I mean there must be someone out there.
First of all, club isn't always the place to go and expect to find a decent guy looking for love or so. However you yourself dance and get their number then why dont you give it a try? We never know, they could be nice.

(edited 9 years ago)

Reply 5

Killer Bean

Original post by Anonymous

I suppose I have weird feelings about sex and relationships. One side of me loves the idea, and yearns for a boyfriend, and now I'm 21 I do really feel like something's missing in my life. But this other side of me always runs away when the possibility arises, I always find an excuse that seems really viable to not date the guy at the time. It's usually a flaw I find in their person so I don't have to feel guilty about the whole thing. And when I do agree to not pursue anything further, I feel such a sense of relief.

I just don't think this is normal, can anyone relate to this? I feel like such a weirdo (for want of a better word!) over this.

I have similar feelings to this, and annoyingly I have no idea how or even if I ought to address them I attribute them to my anhedonic depressions, so if the roots of those feelings for you is less serious, I have to say I envy you.

Aside from that I don't see why you expect to find what you're looking for in a club. You're still at university, so I would think the obvious thing to do is to go to things like society socials, and just talk to people.

Don't worry about the notion that being a virgin at the age of 21 is abnormal, though. Nobody cares, Also, I lost mine pretty late and don't really feel as though I'm at any kind of disadvantage because of it.

Reply 6

jay2013

Original post by Anonymous

Outside of clubbing, I just don't meet guys. My course is about 95% girls, all of my friends are girls. So I only ever meet guys when clubbing. Nowadays if I see a guy I like out clubbing, (which is actually rare, I don't feel attracted to many people) I tend just to have a dance and get their number. But the next day I feel cripplingly awkward about the whole thing. The idea of it all just makes me feel uncomfortable, as if it's wrong, and I just end up not replying. I feel like the fact that I've been picked up on a night out, and purely because of my looks (the only characteristic one can go by on a night out) is just wrong. It makes me feel uncomfortable and unhappy with myself.

I suppose I have weird feelings about sex and relationships. One side of me loves the idea, and yearns for a boyfriend, and now I'm 21 I do really feel like something's missing in my life. But this other side of me always runs away when the possibility arises, I always find an excuse that seems really viable to not date the guy at the time. It's usually a flaw I find in their person so I don't have to feel guilty about the whole thing. And when I do agree to not pursue anything further, I feel such a sense of relief.

I just don't think this is normal, can anyone relate to this? I feel like such a weirdo (for want of a better word!) over this.

No offence here but it seems you're scared of starting a relationship because you've never had one before. Maybe its because, subconsciously, you're afraid of dating someone who might be more experienced in dating and looking like a fool when your inexperience shows. Maybe its because if you enter into a relationship you know at some point you and your partner will end up having sex and losing your virginity is scary for you. Maybe it's something else. But you've got to take that first step otherwise things will never improve. Change is never easy.

Reply 7

Anonymous #2

I am 19, but am in the same situation as you. Virgin, don't meet guys outside of clubbing, sometimes get numbers but just don't reply etc. I feel like something is missing now in my life. i went on a date recently but it just didn't feel right he wanted to see me again but didn't feel right to me.

Reply 8

Anonymous #1

Original post by pagorai

I know clubbing isn't the best place to meet somebody. I'd much rather have a guy whose a friend/ acquaintance first. But it's never worked out like that, the only guys in my social circle are in relationships themselves.

It doesn't help that I'm shy around guys I like either. Flirting and dancing is all good after a few drinks, but sober I'd be as awkward as hell.

You're right though, I know I should give it a try, but it's hard.

Reply 9

pagorai

Original post by Anonymous

Hmm making more new friends could maybe help you find someone worth more than just a friendship. Social anxiety, i can understand that. However, as far as i know, you are perceived positively by guys when you are outspoken and letting it go so there is no reason for you to be shy. Its all in our mind!
And you should definitely give someone a go at least for all those dancing and the flirting that you did just to acquire that number! Its a big deal for a shy girl to dance and flirt! And no, 21 and virgin is like a rare "gem" but its not weird at all. Anyways good luck. :wink:

(edited 9 years ago)

Reply 10

Anonymous #3

I was exatly the same, then a few months before I was 22, a friend told me that her bf's brother liked me. I hadnt looked at him twice before that lol but we ended up seeing eachther for a bit and slept together. It didnt work out as we didnt have enough in common, but don't worry you will meet someone :smile:

Reply 11

zippity.doodah

not really. I lost my virginity at 20. maybe you simply haven't clicked with any potential "mates" - I'm the kind of person, for example, who won't aim for one night stands unless I really like the girl, both in terms of looks *and* personality. I know people who are much different - one of my flatmates "girl-hops" at night clubs and a female flatmate of mine basically can't say no to sex if she's drunk...be glad you have good standards. the times where I have met girls I've "clicked" with have all been based on me being patient and open to meeting everybody I can - for example, I met one girl at work and another on a course-specific pub crawl - you never know who you'll meet and who will turn out to be potentially the one. you've just got to try hard. even if you're the kind of funny person everybody adores, that means nothing if *you* don't like these other people back

(edited 9 years ago)

Reply 12

Atreus

There's nothing wrong with you. It simply sounds like your hesitant to form relationships with people you met whilst intoxicated and I can totally understand why you feel that way.

Try bars as opposed to clubs, although they're also places people get drunk you can get a much better gauge of someone's personality when you can actually talk.

Other than the opportunities work/uni provides perhaps it's advisable taking a more proactive stance ? Take up new hobbies, volunteer (tends to attract very interesting people), ask male friends to introduce you to worthwhile acquaintances and so forth. Hopefully these people with have things in common with you and hence make a good match.

There's also the big taboo of online dating. Tbh being a girl you can have your pick of literally hundreds of eligible guys who will probably all pay for you on the first date. Literally create a profile, upload some nice pics and prepare for the flood. Dating will help you feel more confident around men too, Not much to loose.

(edited 9 years ago)

Reply 13

Europhile

There's nothing wrong with you.

Reply 14

Guest user

I've got a similar issue, I'm a 19 year old guy not done anything more than a kiss, never had a relationship... Used to be pretty chubby in school and since leaving have lost it all... I get quite a bit of attention and compliments, whilst getting treated so much better than I used to.

I think this makes it hard for me to trust people and I don't really like the idea that everyone is that shallow but it's true, but I feel like I don't let anyone get close to me because everything's just based on looks anyway

Original post by Anonymous

You said it yourself, you're shy around people you like. A lot of people are, regardless of gender. This has probably held you back somewhat, and it holds a lot of people back. But it's still really really normal. Like others said, try getting to know people in another capacity than course and clubbing. Be willing to take a risk. Even if you do notice they have flaws (who doesn't) and the relationship might not last, it's a start.

Reply 17

phunky_fresh

Original post by Anonymous

Nowadays if I see a guy I like out clubbing, (which is actually rare, I don't feel attracted to many people) I tend just to have a dance and get their number. But the next day I feel cripplingly awkward about the whole thing. The idea of it all just makes me feel uncomfortable, as if it's wrong, and I just end up not replying. I feel like the fact that I've been picked up on a night out, and purely because of my looks (the only characteristic one can go by on a night out) is just wrong. It makes me feel uncomfortable and unhappy with myself.

Hey. That's just how it works though. You go out see someone you are attracted to and then decide if you want to pursue them or vice versa.

Unless you meet guys at uni or in a work environment for example where you perhaps have a chance to get to know the person a little bit beforehand, this is pretty much how it goes! It's nothing to feel awkward about.

I don't know if it's your behaviour you are maybe embarrassed about. If so then take it down a notch, so you have nothing to stress over the next day, if a guy decides to make contact.

You won't know until you give a guy a chance, not all guys are going to be your cup of tea, you have to weed out the good ones (this will be the case regardless of where you meet people).

The way you're feeling isn't abnormal at all. I just think you need to take time to work on you to be honest. The right guy will come your way. You should venture out and find other ways to meet people if you feel uneasy meeting guys in clubs.

Reply 18

MissDetermined

This sounds a lot like how I was before I met my first boyfriend. I used to be incredibly shy around people in my teenage years and lacked confidence, so I was always too nervous to make a move. When someone asked me out etc I would always turn it down. I used to think it was because I wasn't interested but there was some guys who I liked back, I realised why I kept doing this and it was because I was petrified of being hurt/rejected, and embarassed by my lack of experience. So as time went on it just got more embarassing to have never had a boyfriend or anything etc.
In the end I realised I had to face my fears otherwise I was going to end up a lonely woman! When I met someone when I was 20, I just decided I had to force myself to ignore my anxiety and jump in. And you know what? he didn't care about my lack of experience, and we ended up being together for over 2 years. I became a lot more confident (not by having a boyfriend, just general things since i've got older).
I still get stupidly nervous when I first start dating someone, I just don't let it hold me back. Honestly now i'd rather face getting hurt or rejected than wondering what if. You can overcome it, next time you get someones number just text back and ask to meet up for a coffee or drink. It seems like a big deal at the time but it's not, you're probably just overthinking everything which is what a lot of people do :smile: