I'm 16 and I've never had any friends Watch

Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 3 years ago
#1
I need to get something off my chest, something I've never told anyone, because I so ashamed of it, but I know this is the first step in getting this sorted..

For as long as I can remember, making friends has always been a struggle for me. I am kind of clueless in social situations and have embarrassed myself a lot to the point where I can't bring myself to put myself out there and talk to people. I've never brought anyone home, and I've only been to 3 or 4 different people's houses in my lifetime (obviously not including family or friends of family). I do have and have had acquaintances, but I've never had any more than that.
Strangely, my parents have never questioned why I never bring people around, but some of the family are and it's really embarrassing, so I have to change the subject most of the time.

It all started when I was diagnosed with autism. I know you're thinking 'oh that's why', but I've come a long way over the years, I've learnt what sarcasm is, that people are bantering and not being mean etc.
Very few people know about it, even some of the family know nothing about it. Most people would never guess I had autism, and wouldn't believe it if they were told. I'm not very open about and why should I be - If people ask, I will say I do have it, but very few have asked, but I can't stand people who are soo proud of it they shout it from the rooftops.

So, in primary school, I never made any friends because I didn't have many social skills, and because of that people were taking the piss out of me sometimes and I never realised it until much later.
Because I was identified as special needs because of my condition, I had to have additional support, and this included an inspector coming in and watching my every move, staring at me the whole day and taking notes about me. It made me feel so intimidated to the point where I wouldn't talk to anyone the days she inspected incase I did/said something wrong and she would use it against me, but it actually made things worse because she over exaggerated my problems in her notes (which I later read).To make things worse, I had a speech therapist (I mean I can talk, so she was more of a social skills therapist) in the school who I would not cooperate with because it made me feel horrible and inadequate that I actually had to LEARN social skills, and everyone else had it so easy. It didn't help that she was overly patronizing and underestimated me ALOT - this undermined my confidence big time and made me not want to get myself out there more. Since then, I have this irrational fear that every teacher who knows about my condition is judging me and I feel nervous socialising in front of them, because I feel like they are going to use any failed social situations against me in some way shape or form..
I did socialise with people at school, only I didn't make any friends, and I was 10x more socially retarted than the next person.

Fast forward to secondary school, I thought 'new environment, new friends' and how wrong was I? I realised about a year ago that actually I was the problem. In year 7, people were trying to banter with me, and i took it SO personally, and I took jokes so seriously as well. I also didn't really know how to make friends anyway so I never made any then.

In year 8/9, I used to get picked on at the bus stop. I wouldn't exactly call it bullying because it wasn't that bad, and stupid me could have easily resolved it with clever insults etc. I made myself look like a vulnerable push over, so it was inevitable that I was preyed on. It made me feel terrible and angry with myself that I didn't do myself any favours by letting them walk all over me. They eventually got bored and stopped, but I felt like I deserved it in a way. My fear was that if I had insulted them back, that they would say something 10x worse that I couldn't answer, so I refrained, but it actually made me look feeble.

Now I'm in year 11, I can't bring myself to talk to people because I feel like everyone had already made their friends, and I would be the weird clingy guy, so I have now resorted to hiding in the toilets at break/lunch because I can' deal with other people. I'd make small talk in lessons with no problem, but again I didn't get very far with that. Even now, I find it challenging to respond to banter sometimes, and I'm too scared to banter with people because I can't tell when it's too much for the other person.
I now think I have social anxiety because of my fears of socialising, brought about by being clueless, but I heard there's a lot of ignorance about that in the NHS, so I'm scared that I won't get very far with talking to my GP about it etc. Also, my parents would find out some way or another.

I'm sorry if this is really lengthy, but I NEEDED to talk about it some way or another without people knowing it's me. This is the first time I have broken my silence on my real troubles. I know I'm only 16, but these past few years have gone really fast, and I let these issues roll on, thinking it was going to be magically resolved. I'm worried that If I don't get this sorted before it's too late, I will grow up to be one of them miserable 50-year-old virgins and I will get no where in life.
reply
Anonymous #2
#2
Report 3 years ago
#2
Im autistic too and i have had exactly the same issues as you. Im in year 11 and now im getting pressured with exams and no one to talk to. I have decided that i am not going to my nearst college 5 mins down the road but i am going to travel 2 hours so i can get away form everyone.

What are you doing next year? Are you going to college with others that have bullied you?
reply
Anonymous #1
#3
Report Thread starter 3 years ago
#3
Hi

No one has ever bullied me, and it's all stopped anyway.
I most likely am staying on at my school sixth form, but like I said, the people aren't the issue, I'm the real issue here.
The people aren't that bad, I just can't bring myself to talk to them.
reply
Anonymous #2
#4
Report 3 years ago
#4
Try looking for support groups. They are really helpful. You can't be someone else so enjoy who you are.
reply
Asolare
Badges: 20
Rep:
?
#5
Report 3 years ago
#5
Find support groups (and mental health charities) and please speak to a GP. There may be the occasional NHS staff member who has outdated views, but you shouldn't assume your GP won't help you - that's what doctors are there for! Get all the help you can and I promise there is always someone out there willing to be your friend x

And as you go to work (apprenticeship) or college, less and less people will care about your autism and you will find it easier to make friends ^.^
0
reply
Maryooma
Badges: 9
Rep:
?
#6
Report 3 years ago
#6
First of all you will not end up like a 50 year old virgin! Secondarily, my sister who is in year 10 have same problem as you. She has no friends literally nobody expect her family who she talks to. She has been bullied however she had confidence in her inner self to stand up even thou she hasn't have anyone around her. My sister wants to move out of school because she has no friends and feel depressed. So my parents decided to move her another school if she has a chance. My sister realises that she has family around her that she can talk to. Couple of advice to you is never ever think you will be alone at least you have family around you who loves you and adores you! Be grateful and see what you do have! And another advice is don't think negatively because being independent is a skill too. To be honest I myself have friends but I tend to avoid them because of drama and they cause a distraction to my work at school. Embrace the independency. I truly hope this answer helps!!


Posted from TSR Mobile
0
reply
moment of truth
Badges: 19
Rep:
?
#7
Report 3 years ago
#7
Hey,

I am sorry that you have gone through this and it has made you feel miserable. :console:

I, myself, don't have autism, but I do have dyspraxia and both learning difficulties overlap at times, I also find it very hard to socialise and make friends as a whole. I did make a few 'friends' at sixth form, but I hated pretty much everyone at my school and am glad that I left there. I also let many people walk over me, and perceive me as vulnerable. I never used to stand up for myself and used to let everyone take the piss. I still do that, but as I have grown a bit older and met other people, even if they aren't really friends, they don't tend to be so immature and take the piss anymore.

I know how it feels when you see yourself as an outsider at school just because you are getting extra help, I went to a school were the majority of people were up themselves and thought they were the best and so I refused getting the extra help for quite a few years, even though my family said that it was necessary. In school and even in sixth form (or college) you will find that some people are always going to be idiots and treat you like crap, but you have to try and remember that you are living your own life, and you shouldn't take what they all say seriously (I know its easier said than done). I also find it hard to 'joke' with others and take everything they say quite seriously, maybe this is the reason why I don't have many friends and people don't really like hanging out with me :dontknow:

You are still young, and you have your whole life ahead of you. I am only a couple years older than you (im 19) and even though I haven't really seen my situation change a lot in recent years, I would say that I am a bit better at socialising and if a topic that I like comes up then I can talk quite confidently about it with others. I still have a lot to learn, to become happy with myself and be comfortable around others, but I have started (a little). I know you probably won't think that things will get better, but they will!

Good luck and feel free to PM me if you ever want to :hugs:
0
reply
daydreamer394
Badges: 1
Rep:
?
#8
Report 3 years ago
#8
Hi, I'm a seventeen year old girl with the same problem - I have no friends and no clue how to make them. I suspect I have social anxiety or avoidant disorder, but I'm too nervous to get diagnosed. I don't talk to anyone unless I'm spoken to - I went to a new sixth form in the hope of a fresh start but I was worse off because everyone was in their own groups.
I thought I was the only one; people tell me I'll "grow out of it" but I think it's gotten worse actually and since it's more than just shyness and I'm not doing anything about it I really don't know how I'm going to go to university or beyond.
I'm new to this site; is there a chat of some sort? It would be good to talk; frankly I'm the only pariah I know. It's OK if you want to remain anonymous though.

By the way, you certainly didn't deserve to get picked on. No one does. And it doesn't matter if it wasn't "that bad", bullying is bullying, although I don't know your situation, but if you were clearly unsettled by their remarks it sounds as if they were bullies. Being bullied for about 10 years led to me being like this.
0
reply
username1862217
Badges: 15
Rep:
?
#9
Report 3 years ago
#9
(Original post by Anonymous)
x
Have you tried online friends? I'm happy to admit that during low points in my life I turned to online friends for companionship.

Also, find others like you (Hint: Several have posted in this thread!). Set up a chat group somewhere (Skype perhaps?) and get talking. Social anxiety will be much, much weaker online and connecting with others going through the same as you will help you understand your life better and boost your confidence.
0
reply
Anonymous #3
#10
Report 3 years ago
#10
This probably won't help you improve but i can at least say that it won't get worse. I'm 23 and i have not had any friends ever, I'm just really boring and yes, it does get very lonely but you sound like a fairly strong person so I don't think it will affect you negatively. But as someone said above, online friends can be very helpful to give people to talk to. If you have an online presence in games and forums etc you tend to make friends after a few months just by being friendly. (worth noting you will find nicer people on average in the fantasy games based on magic lore than in the shooter games like cod etc. just the experience I've had )

Personally the hardest thing I find is starting the conversation, I've been on TSR for about 2 months now but I've never really had a conversation with anyone. I always feel like i'm bothering people by talking to them and if they wanted to talk to me, they would. Its important you don't think like this. just insert yourself into things and chat away regardless and you will quickly find people to chat to once you are comfortable chatting to people the next step is chatting to as many people as possible until you find some who you click with as friends. but i can't comment on that I've never got that far
I hope you do ok though good luck
reply
xDan
Badges: 5
Rep:
?
#11
Report 3 years ago
#11
I know how social isolation/anxiety feels, especially when it tends to trigger depression. It is important that you request an appointment with CAMHS or any other NHS group which will help you with this.

From what you have stated it seems you suffer a mild form of social anxiety characterised by a fear of making friends due to negative past experiences. Social Anxiety is the irrational fear of seemingly 'appearing in an awkward/embarrasing way' in front of others, however you are more likely autistic because of being afraid of banter etc.

I personally recommend psychological treatment such as CBT, which is effective even if it is done by yourself. Psychiatric medications such as SSRIs, SNRIs, TCAs and MAOIs are commonly used for social phobia, particularly Paroxetine, Sertraline and Escitalopram which are all SSRIs. These medications are much more commonly used than some would think, however one may be more effective than another in some people. The SSRI class of medication is relatively safe, side effects being generally tolerable and effectivness being high. MAOIs are dangerous in comparison due to fatal overdoses, food interactions etc.

Every single one of us will experience death (unfortunately), but for that reason we must try to enjoy life whilst we are gifted enough to live it. It may seem tough, but only because you are making it tough for yourself (I'm certainly not accusing you, but no one else is in control of you). Mental illness is difficult, but anxiety disorders very rarely affect someone for their whole lifetime.

Socialising is a skill which many learn in the early stages of life, some of us don't quite develop this skill as quickly as others due to several reasons which may include overprotective parents, past negative experiences etc. As we grow older a majority of children have developed the skill and have few issues socialising, some people as yourself may be a little behind however. You may be afraid of people, and if they come up to you and try to make an effort to be your friend, you may not attract them due to appearing afraid or awkward and extremely self conscious.

You are heading towards being an adult, so it is not too late. Autism is widely recognised and help is available. Social Anxiety does not appear to be the issue in this case however. Please try CAMHS as I said or AMHS since you may be old enough.

Best of luck and NEVER give up!
0
reply
Ashz
Badges: 2
Rep:
?
#12
Report 3 years ago
#12
(Original post by daydreamer394)
Hi, I'm a seventeen year old girl with the same problem - I have no friends and no clue how to make them. I suspect I have social anxiety or avoidant disorder, but I'm too nervous to get diagnosed. I don't talk to anyone unless I'm spoken to - I went to a new sixth form in the hope of a fresh start but I was worse off because everyone was in their own groups.
I thought I was the only one; people tell me I'll "grow out of it" but I think it's gotten worse actually and since it's more than just shyness and I'm not doing anything about it I really don't know how I'm going to go to university or beyond.
I'm new to this site; is there a chat of some sort? It would be good to talk; frankly I'm the only pariah I know. It's OK if you want to remain anonymous though.

By the way, you certainly didn't deserve to get picked on. No one does. And it doesn't matter if it wasn't "that bad", bullying is bullying, although I don't know your situation, but if you were clearly unsettled by their remarks it sounds as if they were bullies. Being bullied for about 10 years led to me being like this.
I have the same problem I'm thinking going to.uni will be good for me to make friends if I stay in the halls of residence
0
reply
Anonymous #1
#13
Report Thread starter 3 years ago
#13
Hi all

I did not expect to get that many responses -thank you very much.
reply
X

Quick Reply

Attached files
Write a reply...
Reply
new posts
Latest
My Feed

See more of what you like on
The Student Room

You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

Personalise

Where do you need more help?

Which Uni should I go to? (95)
16.55%
How successful will I become if I take my planned subjects? (60)
10.45%
How happy will I be if I take this career? (101)
17.6%
How do I achieve my dream Uni placement? (87)
15.16%
What should I study to achieve my dream career? (58)
10.1%
How can I be the best version of myself? (173)
30.14%

Watched Threads

View All