Gothic Creative Writing - How can I improve Watch

Ricky_Awesome
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Hi, have an English Assessment to write a piece of gothic. I got some done, but would like to know how i could improve. Thanks if you can help - just click and view the attachment, and bare in mind this wont be great I'm only 13.
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the bear
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this is jolly good for someone of your age !

the pics at the top are perfect.

how much more do you need to write ?

:holmes:

PS on the bottom line of page 3 you need to change defiantly to definitely
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Ricky_Awesome
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(Original post by the bear)
this is jolly good for someone of your age !

the pics at the top are perfect.

how much more do you need to write ?

:holmes:

PS on the bottom line of page 3 you need to change defiantly to definitely
There isn't really a limit, but I want to do as much as possible with good quality, can you help?. And Thanks - I downloaded font and borders to make it look more Gothic.
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the bear
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(Original post by Ricky_Awesome)
There isn't really a limit, but I want to do as much as possible with good quality, can you help?. And Thanks - I downloaded font and borders to make it look more Gothic.
....

I asked the nurse her name and she said Morwenna. She offered me a crystal chalice containing a cloudy liquid. I realised that I had not drunk for many hours.
"This is Magna" she said wistfully as I emptied the drink down my weary throat.
She presented a silver platter piled high with spherical sweetmeats. “What are these called Morwenna ? I have never seen such a wonder “
“We call them Pharoah Rocher” she whispered.
“You spoil us” I replied.
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Tessa Moltres
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Well for an English assessment, this is incredibly good~ but the semi colon in the first paragraph is driving me insane; please remove the capital letter on 'where'...and preferably put a comma, not a semi-colon...mind you, keeping it in can get you more marks~


Now, I can help you with this, but only from the point of view of an amature author; if this is strictly for an assessment, leave it be and have done with you ^-^!! But if you want to work on it for your own enjoyment, and to make something of your work beyond class, then I'd be happy to help ^-^



P.S. I love the title XD
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Tessa Moltres
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Oop, I forgot the lil thing about punctuation...


1) Bare sole's should be 'bare soles' - watch out for that; apostrophies are for possessions, or for where a letter is missing.
2) Scanned should be 'scan' - be careful to keep the entire story in one tense (this seems to be a major issue in your text...keep it first or third, not both. First seems to be more suited to your style...seriously, please go through and pick one 0.0).
3) You use commas where they shouldn't really be...'Her face was olive flawless skin, when she smiled I was freed'. Don't use a comma. Either say 'and when she smiled', or use a semi-colon or dash.
4) 'A rumble of thunder, and torrents of rain where released from the heavens, prompting me to find shelter, I gripped the frozen handle of the hospital; Cautiously roaming into it’s premises, as expected the hospital was unlit & concealed'...I don't think you know how to use semi colons, commas or...much else...a) you don't need the first comma; it doesn't make sense, b) The third comma should be a full stop, c) you DON'T have a capital letter after semi-colons; they work very much like connective words, and d) 'as expected' should be a new sentence.


Ok I'm going to give you a little advice on semi-colons...You can use them in many ways, but in writing, there are only two real ways to use it; to join two clauses together (eg. He had a cat and it purred constantly. = He had a cat; it purred constantly.) or to expand on an idea (eg. The cat exploded from the hedge; claws drawn and eyes roving.).


Google more ways - there are so many~



In all seriousness, I do like your style. It works well for the gothic theme, and I can see this being the way a good book would be voiced. It just needs a little bit of polishing~
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Ricky_Awesome
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(Original post by Tessa Moltres)
Oop, I forgot the lil thing about punctuation...


1) Bare sole's should be 'bare soles' - watch out for that; apostrophies are for possessions, or for where a letter is missing.
2) Scanned should be 'scan' - be careful to keep the entire story in one tense (this seems to be a major issue in your text...keep it first or third, not both. First seems to be more suited to your style...seriously, please go through and pick one 0.0).
3) You use commas where they shouldn't really be...'Her face was olive flawless skin, when she smiled I was freed'. Don't use a comma. Either say 'and when she smiled', or use a semi-colon or dash.
4) 'A rumble of thunder, and torrents of rain where released from the heavens, prompting me to find shelter, I gripped the frozen handle of the hospital; Cautiously roaming into it’s premises, as expected the hospital was unlit & concealed'...I don't think you know how to use semi colons, commas or...much else...a) you don't need the first comma; it doesn't make sense, b) The third comma should be a full stop, c) you DON'T have a capital letter after semi-colons; they work very much like connective words, and d) 'as expected' should be a new sentence.


Ok I'm going to give you a little advice on semi-colons...You can use them in many ways, but in writing, there are only two real ways to use it; to join two clauses together (eg. He had a cat and it purred constantly. = He had a cat; it purred constantly.) or to expand on an idea (eg. The cat exploded from the hedge; claws drawn and eyes roving.).


Google more ways - there are so many~



In all seriousness, I do like your style. It works well for the gothic theme, and I can see this being the way a good book would be voiced. It just needs a little bit of polishing~
Yeah I did say it wont be great , Thanks anyways, think i was trying to be a bit too clever.

What do you think on the storyline itself, should i change the way this happen and any ideas on what to write next?
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the bear
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(Original post by Ricky_Awesome)
Yeah I did say it wont be great , Thanks anyways, think i was trying to be a bit too clever.

What do you think on the storyline itself, should i change the way this happen and any ideas on what to write next?
good advice from Tessa

as to the development...

A QUEST... the hero has to undertake a perilous journey to find a mysterious object etc.

A MYSTERIOUS LADY... appears fleetingly to the hero and captures his heart; she disappears and he must search for her hither and yon....
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