Boyfriend always "winding me up" - beginning to affect my confidence Watch

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Anonymous #1
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I've been with my boyfriend four months. We only went official about a month ago and he met some of my friends. He is in his own words "a wind up merchant", but recently he's started to get on my nerves. I want to put it across without hurting him. I don't want things to crash and burn over something that is resolvable.

We were out getting lunch recently - and lately I've been extremely distracted due to exams coming up soon. I think it has put a strain on things to some extent, because I've not been able to enjoy our time together as much, since exams have constantly been on my mind. He made a couple of comments that really grated on my nerves and upset me. Firstly, I have a lot of sleep issues - have suffered from insomnia for years and he made a comment about me having an "easy, lazy life." I'm quite well spoken, which often leads people to think I'm from a privileged background. But I've been blighted with illness throughout my life - I'm nearly 23 and only just looking into going into university, because it's taken me so long to get my health to the stage where I can consider it.

Even though he insisted he's just "winding me up" it really cut deep. The other comment he made was about how I was "being boring and boring him" over lunch. Again, I don't think I've been as engaged during our time together lately and I've felt very low - so perhaps I was a tiny bit boring that day, but him saying that to me really hurt. I wouldn't ever say anything like that to him. I'm finding that he's making more and more comments that are chipping away at my confidence. I don't mind being wound up, but he's always picking lately - saying stuff about how my nails are in a state (I've been biting them down through stress). Perhaps these things wouldn't hit such a nerve if I was in a better state of mind, but at the moment they're making me resent him.

I don't want to break up because he can be a really good guy, but I feel like he's almost got too comfy in our relationship too quickly. But he's also very sensitive, so I don't know how to tell him all this without upsetting him or pissing him off. I think it's important that I communicate to him how I feel, because frankly I feel like he's not treating me with much respect anymore - and these are the early days still!
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UKIProud
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#2
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Talk to him. Being sensitive aint an excuse to be like that!
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vela1
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Thats not being comfy, that being a penis. Confront him about it.
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Lwin
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He's too sensitive to handle criticism but expects you to put up with that?!
Tell him straight girl.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by vela1)
Thats not being comfy, that being a penis. Confront him about it.
Well, he did detect that I was annoyed at him later on. I tried to explain (in relation to the lazy comment) why I was upset. He seemed to understand, but didn't say sorry. Then foolishly I ended up apologising (silly I know) both in person and on text. I said that it was because of my mood and my worries about exams - but in all honestly that's not the whole truth. Those comments would have pissed me off even if I was right as rain.

I'm going over to his at the weekend - and yeah, I definitely want to confront him, but ideally without it turning into an argument.
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Chakede
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sounds like a ****
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SophieSmall
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Well, he did detect that I was annoyed at him later on. I tried to explain (in relation to the lazy comment) why I was upset. He seemed to understand, but didn't say sorry. Then foolishly I ended up apologising (silly I know) both in person and on text. I said that it was because of my mood and my worries about exams - but in all honestly that's not the whole truth. Those comments would have pissed me off even if I was right as rain.

I'm going over to his at the weekend - and yeah, I definitely want to confront him, but ideally without it turning into an argument.
Do not ever apologise when you have done nothing wrong and it should be you receiving the apology. It just further approves their behaviour.
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Protégé
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Just tell him, I doubt that he actually means to hurt you. You don't have to criticise him if he's sensitive but just tell him that he's hurting you.

(Original post by SophieSmall)
Do not ever apologise when you have done nothing wrong and it should be you receiving the apology. It just further approves their behaviour.
Some would feel guilty because of the other person's kindness and refrain from further activities, no?
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by SophieSmall)
Do not ever apologise when you have done nothing wrong and it should be you receiving the apology. It just further approves their behaviour.
Yeah, I regretted it almost as soon as I'd done it. He did text me later saying he'd also been in a weird mood, but again, that's not really the issue as whether I was stressed or not was really NOT the issue. About the boring comment, I did mention that to him shortly after he'd said it and all he said was 'I wouldn't be here if I thought you were boring.' Again he made it out that he was winding me up, but he could use being a wind-up merchant to justify nearly any comment he makes.
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SophieSmall
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(Original post by Protégé)
Just tell him, I doubt that he actually means to hurt you. You don't have to criticise him if he's sensitive but just tell him that he's hurting you.


Some would feel guilty because of the other person's kindness and refrain from further activities, no?
Some would, others won't and will use it as an excuse or proof they can do no wrong.

Its just for the best not to apologise in these situations because if a pattern emerges from it you've got a problem.

My ex always made me feel guilty for bringing up anything he did that upset me. So it was always me who apologised and not him, it got to the point I was apologising for being upset he tried to sleep with my best friend. Sounds silly and extreme but it can become a manipulation tactic. Not saying OPs boyfriend is like that, but for me I now see it as a red flag.
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MaseratiJay
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So hold on...

He's sensitive?

So if he's sensitive isn't that more reason for him to just shut his mouth and support you instead of winding you up?

Talk to him OP, and if he brushes it off then you need to talk to him more seriously and tell him it's not a joke.
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poohat
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He is being a ****, but reading between the lines it sounds you are pretty hard work as a girlfriend (illness, stressed out, highly strung, possibly not fun to be around, etc). You probably need to have a serious talk with him - its possible that he has a deeper issue with you that he doesnt want to bring up and is instead lashing out through barbed comments that he can claim are just a joke if confronted.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by poohat)
He is being a ****, but reading between the lines it sounds you are pretty hard work as a girlfriend (illness, stressed out, highly strung, possibly not fun to be around, etc). You probably need to have a serious talk with him - its possible that he has a deeper issue with you that he doesnt want to bring up and is instead lashing out through barbed comments that he can claim are just a joke if confronted.
I understand that, but I wouldn't say I've been like that through our entire relationship...perhaps just the last 2-3 weeks. He has issues with depression himself (I'm generally the opposite - a pretty happy, upbeat person) and I've supported him through his issues, so I don't see why a few weeks of me being wound up and stressed is the end of the world? Once the exams are over I'll probably go back to being my carefree self. The illness hasn't really affected him personally, since the worst of it was whilst I didn't know him, so I'm not sure how much of a factor that can be. I did actually ask him if there was anything that I'd done lately that had annoyed him - and he said he really couldn't think of anything and just thought I was a lovely, sweet person. I'll ask him again when we're in private, but I have given him the opportunity to be forthcoming with it :/
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Olwynj britton
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Sorry but I would kick him to the kerb Any guy that deliberately destroys your confidence is not worth giving time of day too .You are worth of so much better
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Anonymous #2
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I've been with my boyfriend four months. We only went official about a month ago and he met some of my friends. He is in his own words "a wind up merchant", but recently he's started to get on my nerves. I want to put it across without hurting him. I don't want things to crash and burn over something that is resolvable.

We were out getting lunch recently - and lately I've been extremely distracted due to exams coming up soon. I think it has put a strain on things to some extent, because I've not been able to enjoy our time together as much, since exams have constantly been on my mind. He made a couple of comments that really grated on my nerves and upset me. Firstly, I have a lot of sleep issues - have suffered from insomnia for years and he made a comment about me having an "easy, lazy life." I'm quite well spoken, which often leads people to think I'm from a privileged background. But I've been blighted with illness throughout my life - I'm nearly 23 and only just looking into going into university, because it's taken me so long to get my health to the stage where I can consider it.

Even though he insisted he's just "winding me up" it really cut deep. The other comment he made was about how I was "being boring and boring him" over lunch. Again, I don't think I've been as engaged during our time together lately and I've felt very low - so perhaps I was a tiny bit boring that day, but him saying that to me really hurt. I wouldn't ever say anything like that to him. I'm finding that he's making more and more comments that are chipping away at my confidence. I don't mind being wound up, but he's always picking lately - saying stuff about how my nails are in a state (I've been biting them down through stress). Perhaps these things wouldn't hit such a nerve if I was in a better state of mind, but at the moment they're making me resent him.

I don't want to break up because he can be a really good guy, but I feel like he's almost got too comfy in our relationship too quickly. But he's also very sensitive, so I don't know how to tell him all this without upsetting him or pissing him off. I think it's important that I communicate to him how I feel, because frankly I feel like he's not treating me with much respect anymore - and these are the early days still!
What exams do you have???. It's the summer holidays
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Rock Fan
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#16
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(Original post by Olwynj britton)
Sorry but I would kick him to the kerb Any guy that deliberately destroys your confidence is not worth giving time of day too .You are worth of so much better
This thread is 4 years old I would hope the OP in question has sorted it by now
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