I'm obsessed with money and it's ruining my relationship - help!

I've been living with my fiancé under a joint finance relationship for 4 years now.

I was bought up with immigrant parents who were very frugal - and they've done exceptionally well for themselves by sacrificing on spending.

They've put me through university, tuition and deposit on house paid for.
They taught is never to want for much, the small material things don't matter - better to build and save

My fiancé on the other hand was bought up with a silver spoon in his mouth, privately educated and given all the material things he could want for.
Therefore he has a laissez fair attitude to money.

Yesterday, for example, we were shopping at Waitrose as his family were over.
We needed to buy a leg of lamb... It was £28 which I thought was ridiculous, and I tried to persuade him that we could drop by Coop on the way back that I knew was selling the leg of lamb for about half that price.
He refused and said I was being ridiculous - that it was already here and let's not worry about it.

It spoiled the whole trip for me though, as I was thinking about how much I was wasting the whole time I was there.

At the same time, it's making me miserable how far apart we are in our views. I want to feel freer with money, but I don't feel like we're there yet with our savings - we have things to pay for like new windows and faccia which will cost a bomb.
I feel like I'm trying to live/save for the future and he just wants to live in the present.

We earn a fair bit of money - about £80k before tax and £48k after tax so his feeling is that we should live a little.

We have individual spending budgets, but he always spends his straight away and has to 'borrow' into future months. It drives me crazy as then later on he feels like he doesn't have enough each month - as he's already spent it!!

Help, TSR. How do I stop thinking about money so obsessively? How do I let go a bit more? Or if I'm being reasonable, what could I do to bring us more in line with one another?

TL;DR
I'm frugal, fiancé is a spender. We argue a lot about the budget, what to spend money on. I'm constantly thinking about the money and the future, whilst he wants me to loosen up and just enjoy the present. Help?

Reply 1

shawn_o1

If you want the relationship to last, you're gonna have to accept 100% of the differences between you and your partner, including spending
Otherwise, get out now.

(edited 8 years ago)

Reply 2

Pipsico

Original post by shawn_o1

If you want the relationship to last, you're gonna have to accept 100% of the differences between you and your partner, including spending
Otherwise, get out now.

But surely relationships are more complex than 'accept eachother 100%'?

They're both not perfect, shouldn't they just be making compromises that aren't destructive for the both of them?

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Reply 3

claireestelle

I think you ll just have to find middle ground but your finacee appears a little unreasonable, saving 14 pounds can buy a lot ,maybe explain in terms of what could be bought if you got the cheaper/better option say if we got the half price lamb then there d be something left in the food budget for a meal out /takeaway. So he sees by buying this option we now can't have this .

Reply 4

Crystalclearmagic

Original post by Anonymous

My question is, why has it taken 4 years for you to start this query? There must have been some established middle ground before; I just feel 4 years is a long time to have kept this 'down under and quiet'.

That aside, you'll have to either sit him down and have a proper chat to sort it out and find some new middle ground or you're just going to have to agree to disagree - but you don't seem happy to settle for the latter as you don't want money to be 'wasted'.

Reply 5

Skyy9432

£28 for a leg of lamb!? I hope for your sake it was the lamb of god itself.

Reply 6

Anonymous #2

Original post by Anonymous

He need to save for the future. But OP, I a very interested in the part in bold. What type of job do you people do to earn that type of money? Please do tell :redface:

Reply 7

Reue

Original post by Anonymous

He need to save for the future. But OP, I a very interested in the part in bold. What type of job do you people do to earn that type of money? Please do tell :redface:

80k combine income isn't huge.

Reply 8

Reue

Original post by Anonymous

TL;DR
I'm frugal, fiancé is a spender. We argue a lot about the budget, what to spend money on. I'm constantly thinking about the money and the future, whilst he wants me to loosen up and just enjoy the present. Help?

My experience is that people like this rarely change their spending habits. You can either compromise or leave.

Reply 9

donutaud15

Get him to sort out all the bills, savings and expenses for few months. Tell him if he can't do it it's over. Basically throw him in the deep end

Reply 10

Turquaz

I see absolutely nothing wrong with your spending preferences OP. To me the problem is with your partner. I guess you can't control how he spends his own budget if he's been brought up with a silver spoon but for the combined household budget I'd definitely try to find a middle ground.

On a sperate note how come your net income drops so much after taxes? £80k to £48k is a huge drop! Is that difference just because of taxes or do you have other regular outgoings from the gross too like personal pensions and stuff?

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Reply 11

Awesome Genius

lol hmm this is so going to happen to me, the boyfriend bit.

Reply 12

HotCoco.

Unfortunately OP finances is one of those big things that can make or break a couple. It needs to be discussed. You need a sit down evening chat about this because of you don't get on the same page it could ruin you both later on. Questions like: does he save? How much does he save? Does he frequently have to withdraw from his savings because he's overspent? Are there any long term goals in the future which are going to require a lot of money (mortgage, holidays, cars, children)? Does he rely on family to top him up?

What expenses are included in your joint account? If not already the case I would keep your joint account strictly to rent and bills. You can get a separate emergency fund account that you can have when urgent things around the house need repairing or replacing and some accounts will require the authorisation of both of you before any money is withdrawn so it wouldn't be easy for him to dip into it when he's spent too much prematurely.

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