Does this read as archaic in style?

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Michael P
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Would this kind of writing get an A* in A level English should I choose to take it up?

Dear Skane - It is with a frightful feeling of failure, guilt and sadness that I have myself writing this letter in the hopes that you may know of some kind of resolve that will have me a path out of this tricky dilemma. The funeral of Thane, my father is this week and is fast approaching, and so too is the cremation of my daughter Helga, but my ghastly luck has had the funeral coincide with it. I had betrothed myself to the church of the sanctified saint, and had enlightened them to this conundrum, to which the consensus that had been decided had, not only my missing of it, but also prevented any further event being made by me. With this soon afterwards said, I had chance to reminisce over the two choices now presented to me. The first choice would have my missing of the funeral of my father and attending the cremation, and the second choice is the converse of this choice. It is with great regret that I now tell you that my love for my daughter has had me enact the first choice. I will have the funeral director handle that which my father had bequeathed to me, to which my mind has me a suspicion that our Thor will not think highly of this, but I shall with great articulacy and reason exemplified, tell him of the problems by which I have been affected. Sadly, my impulsion to lie is undoubtedly strong, and that vile ogre of a husband may find himself without a morsel ounce of truth in his soul, as the venison to which his blunted knife slays does be without an ounce of meat worthy of our tongues. Oh, how that man does both anger and ensnare me so greatly, yet the love that has our hearts intertwined has my aging carcass so without the strength to bare him another child. It is the Gods to whom I shall speak, that my daughter may have herself a brother who shall outgrow her brother both in mind and body, and when death does take me from this world, and when Thor is all but a shadow of what he is now, my son shall supplant him as being the strongest warrior to have himself known to kingdoms afar. And I shall have the clouds of Valhalla forever carry me in their wake, that I may for myself see him fight with such finesse, furore and fragrance as to have all whom should challenge him think of him as their superior; as God Odin himself reincarnate in the mortal body of a man. Only then shall my cause as life-giver, as his mother be reproved from the tricksters of Tartarus, whose watchful eyes forever do weave the heaving disdain that this kingdom have my eyes discern…etc
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diggy
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Yes

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Potally_Tissed
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To an extent. Too much classics-inspired simile makes it feel kind of odd.
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Michael P
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(Original post by Potally_Tissed)
To an extent. Too much classics-inspired simile makes it feel kind of odd.
Which parts feel kind of odd?

I got the phrase from briefly looking at Jane Austen on Google books.

With this soon afterwards dispatched, had he been without ...etc

I think that phrase is the most archaic of them all. HAHA.
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Potally_Tissed
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(Original post by Michael P)
Which parts feel kind of odd?

I got the phrase from briefly looking at Jane Austen on Google books.

With this soon afterwards dispatched, had he been without ...etc

I think that phrase is the most archaic of them all. HAHA.
Basically the gratuitous mentioning of various gods.
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Michael P
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(Original post by Potally_Tissed)
Basically the gratuitous mentioning of various gods.
The context is entirely fictional and incoherent. Churches mixed with Gods?! Since when had Christianity ever coexisted alongside Viking paganism? I suppose a small sect could have come about as a result of the early Viking raids... But that is not my focus. My focus was the construction of sentences and trying to figure out exactly what makes a sentence read as archaic to the naive reader. Should this be read by people of the 18th century, I am pretty confident that they may see grave errors of the kind we would see in modern sentences....HAHA
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Michael P
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What my thought has had me do so far is quite simple. Saturate a sentence with as many haves and hads as is possible (within reason), as too many will have the sentence read as utter absurdity... Please do share with me any tips of your own. There is a boy on here who is very well spoken, but I wonder if his kindness would have me a few bits of knowledge wiser?

I had myself without much gold, which then had me, with much disappointment had, learn of the ways by which more gold can be had by my pocket, which at this time, does feel the emptiness of the void itself. Though a common plight to be had by many of this realm, do bestow unto me your wisdom; that I may have with great pleasure exemplified, the ways of those with gold coin plentiful known to me. There are arcane spoils to be had by my peasant hand, and a heavy pocket shall certainly have me dabble in their brilliance, as does my brother dabble in such spoils of his own. Rumours have had me enlightened to the existence of a coin whose name I know not. It has been by my brother that such a coin is worshiped by us peasants as having the ability to have us a fine amount of gold richer. Pray, do tell, how might a man of my persuasion have himself find such a coin, that he may actualise this need of his?
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Michael P
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Can anyone fathom what this is describing? + REP to the first poster. (LOL).

Dear Gamla - As I sit atop my chair in what I can only describe as being a state of lucid laconicism, still my mind does not have me understanding the gist of your writings here. Your admonishing my ability as a native speaker of the language of England has had me a strange feeling to which the words of the Gods have made themselves known to me in the very corpuscles that make my mind one of stupendous proportions. Like my mind, your wife too, has a body that is every bit lissome as the skin of a ripe orange, apple and whatever offerings do grow in my farmstead. A warrior of the south, of the very kind you condemn, shall have her with another son, and a warrior of a further distance south unknown to even the Danish coterie to whom your heavy hand does wonder, shall have her belly swell with a fragrant fruit whose skin is as the colour of the sky would be were you to remove the sun, only to leave the moon to whom the son-conceived shall worship as a God whose name you know not, for it is occluded in a language spoken only in the hottest of places of kingdoms further afar than your Swedish mind has you know.
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Michael P
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​the naughty n word!
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Michael P
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vote ukip. Let us have this country a country of our own
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Michael P
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KingStannis
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This is typical of what year 10 and 11 English students think is good writing. It isn't. But don't worry it's just a phase people go through and you might not be too bad when you get older and start to understand literary nuance.

As for your question; English at A level is about writing essays on texts not writing texts yourself. Are you talking about creative writing? If so i have no idea the mark schemes for that.
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Michael P
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(Original post by KingStannis)
This is typical of what year 10 and 11 English students think is good writing. It isn't. But don't worry it's just a phase people go through and you might not be too bad when you get older and start to understand literary nuance.

As for your question; English at A level is about writing essays on texts not writing texts yourself. Are you talking about creative writing? If so i have no idea the mark schemes for that.
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