Do you consider withholding sex in a relationship emotional abuse?

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Poll: Is withholding sex in a loving relationship a form of abuse? Emotional/sublte/abuse?
Male: I agree (6)
26.09%
Male: I disagree (7)
30.43%
Female: I agree (5)
21.74%
Female: I disagree (5)
21.74%
Daenerys...
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#1
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#1
So like, we've all had bad relationships I'm sure, and we've all either been in, or know someone / know of someone who's been in properly abusive relationships too. In some cases the distinction is pretty clear. For example, if there is physical violence then we're instantly in 'abusive relationship' territory, but there are many forms of abuse: physical, verbal, psychological, emotional, etc etc.

Apparently some people do and I'm actually quite shocked by this revelation. Seriously? Emotional abuse?

Examples of abuse listed on the University of Michigan’s domestic violence awareness website say “sexual violence” includes “withholding sex and affection” and “discounting the partner’s feelings regarding sex” – definitions that have come under fire by some men’s rights activists.

I know my parents live a sexless marriage and I'm sure my mum isn't abusing my dad. Also sometimes refusing to have sex is due to health problems,but sometimes it may be a deep-seated issue within a spouse where they don’t see the importance of sex, and something has triggered them to decide to stop.


Is this another male tactic to make females guilty over sex?
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whorace
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#2
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It's a pretty mean thing to do if you enter into a relationship with someone, if you both want sex and you withhold it just to use against the other party then yeah absolutely, of course it must always be consenting and in both parties interests, but to lead someone into a relationship under the pretense they will have an active sex life, and then ignore them when you get married is a ****ty thing to do.
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LaMandarine
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#3
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In my first serious relationship everything worked fine for a while, but then we broke up due to many reasons, one of them being the fact that we were from 2 different countries.

Due to some hormonal imbalances from my side (I'll say the condition in its abbreviated form: PSAS), let's just say that our sex life was fabulous on both sides. After we decided that we could no longer be in a romantic relationship, he still pushed me to believe that we could have a sexual one- which is something I highly did not desire.

I told him that in terms of sex he was like the best and most expensive chocolate, and I happen to love chocolate. However, if I had to choose between 100 grams of that chocolate (meaning having him solely for sex) and 100 grams of chocolate cake that has little of that chocolate but also has something else (a relationship in which sex was not as good but there was romance and resepect in it), I would rather pick the cake.

He got mad, I am assuming because he was sexually frustrated, and he said some things that hurt me- even though we were no longer in a relationship; for a while it did feel like he was strong-arming me.

Edit: well, after reading the post again I realised that my case was the opposite of witholding witholding sex in a relationship. But it could still be regarded as a mild emotional abuse.
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SuperWolfPaws
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#4
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#4
i don't understand how 'violence' can be associated with not wanting to shag. There would be number of reasons why someone would not want to, perhaps that person is depressed, maybe they are having different health problems, perhaps they were a victim of abuse and just not ready to. Sex is not always pleasant for women, it can hurt, e.g vaginismus. and being on your period doesn't help either
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A5ko
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#5
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#5
Women have been withholding sex for hundreds of years to get what they want.

It works, the guy ends up happy, so why change it?
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clonedmemories
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#6
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#6
There's a difference with intentions here. If people are withholding sex as a means by which to emotionally aggravate their partner, starve them of affection or else for a vindictive reason, it's very different to people who withhold sex for a medical reason or something else beyond their control. Whether the former counts as abuse, I'm not sure, but it's certainly not healthy.
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scrotgrot
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#7
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#7
It certainly is emotional abuse because withholding sex is used as a way to assert power and control in the relationship. It goes unchallenged in many long-term relationships. You've no right to object when men in American divorce courts have been labelled emotional abusers for not buying their wife presents...

Indeed, men withholding sex has itself been used in the divorce courts to secure a victory for the wife. Google "emotional abuse withholding sex" and you will see scores of articles from normal people and institutions saying withholding sex is clearly emotional abuse both when done by a man and by a woman.

In quasi-legal discourse it often comes under definitions of "sexual abuse", "sexual violence"
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TorpidPhil
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#8
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#8
How is not being raped abuse?

You can just leave that sort of relationship. It's not like domestic violence or financial bribery or anything...
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Dr Pesto
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#9
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I certainly wouldn't call it abuse, and of course if there are health issues that prevent someone from having sex then the couple will work it out in their own way. But if someone "withholds" (for want of a better word) sex to manipulate their partner or to play emotional games then that's just being a prick.

If you find yourself trying assert power over your partner, or trying to punish them for something, then your relationship has failed and you need to stop being a petty child and re-evaluate yourself.
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Archurus23
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#10
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(Original post by Daenerys...)
So like, we've all had bad relationships I'm sure, and we've all either been in, or know someone / know of someone who's been in properly abusive relationships too. In some cases the distinction is pretty clear. For example, if there is physical violence then we're instantly in 'abusive relationship' territory, but there are many forms of abuse: physical, verbal, psychological, emotional, etc etc.

Apparently some people do and I'm actually quite shocked by this revelation. Seriously? Emotional abuse?

Examples of abuse listed on the University of Michigan’s domestic violence awareness website say “sexual violence” includes “withholding sex and affection” and “discounting the partner’s feelings regarding sex” – definitions that have come under fire by some men’s rights activists.

I know my parents live a sexless marriage and I'm sure my mum isn't abusing my dad. Also sometimes refusing to have sex is due to health problems,but sometimes it may be a deep-seated issue within a spouse where they don’t see the importance of sex, and something has triggered them to decide to stop.


Is this another male tactic to make females guilty over sex?
I certainly would. This video is slightly hyperbolic but gives a good example. https://youtu.be/YwQ79ISyQ-w
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yungaheartz
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#11
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#11
Nah it's just dumb

Withhold sex from me and I'll probably cheat or leave you. Bye bye

Although I've never actually known a man to withhold sex from a woman. Would be more of a punishment for him
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ellefxtz
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#12
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i guess it depends. if its a mutual thing, whatever. However, if youve given affection before, and then stop without explanation, take affection or sex away as punishment, or have the effect of making your partner feel rejected or unattractive without explanation, i do think thats emotional, possibly mental abuse.
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Trapz99
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#13
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#13
How is it abuse? People should be able to choose not to have sex with someone. It’s forcing someone to have sex that’s wrong, not letting someone have sex with you isn’t at all wrong in my view. Sex isn’t a right in for either person in a relationship, surely?
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Allie4
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#14
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#14
(Original post by yungaheartz)
Although I've never actually known a man to withhold sex from a woman. Would be more of a punishment for him
Haha exactly, yet to meet a red-blooded heterosexual male who can abstain for long enough... especially when you try to tempt him into bed.
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UlaGreyWolf
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#15
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#15
If it’s withheld because the partner wants something I’d say it’s emotional black mail really... but not if it’s because they just don’t want sex
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999tigger
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#16
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#16
(Original post by yungaheartz)
Nah it's just dumb

Withhold sex from me and I'll probably cheat or leave you. Bye bye

Although I've never actually known a man to withhold sex from a woman. Would be more of a punishment for him
Good to know what strong relationships you have.
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yungaheartz
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#17
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(Original post by 999tigger)
Good to know what strong relationships you have.
Not much of a strong relationship if he's withholding sex from me as 'punishment' now is it?!
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999tigger
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#18
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#18
(Original post by yungaheartz)
Not much of a strong relationship if he's withholding sex from me as 'punishment' now is it?!
Maybe you should find out why they were withholding and if they were ok instead of running off and cheating. Its a privilege not a right.
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yungaheartz
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#19
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#19
(Original post by 999tigger)
Maybe you should find out why they were withholding and if they were ok instead of running off and cheating. Its a privilege not a right.
Right, because he'd do the same thing would he...?
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rinofthemill
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#20
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#20
I think there's a difference between 'i don't want sex because I'm ill' 'i just don't feel like sex/am not interested in sex anymore' and 'i would have sex with you but I won't because you haven't done what I told you to/because you spoke to that guy/you annoyed me in some way'
obviously there comes a point where if one person really wants regular sex and the other person doesn't want sex at all then it just won't work cause for some people sex is really important in a relationship. But that's not abuse that's just people not being right for each other (although, I don't think finding sex unimportant is a deep-seated issue like you said)
your parents sound like they have no problem being sexless so that's not abuse 🙂
obviously not having sex because one of you is ill is not abuse
I think it starts being abuse when its about control, when you stop having sex as a way of punishing your partner, that would be abuse.
also on the other side, if you got really angry at your partner whenever they didn't want sex/didn't feel well enough for sex or tried to guilt/pressure them into it, then that would be emotional abuse
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