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Girlfriend NEVER backs me up. watch

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    Me and my girlfriend (let's call her Polly) have been together for 9 months now. For the most part things are going well, but whenever there's some disagreement of any sort between me and someone else close to her (e.g. friends, parents etc.) she never takes my side.

    I'll just list some instances:

    1) Around 6 months ago Polly asked for my opinion on a dress she was going to wear on a night out. I was honest and told her I thought it was a bit 'questionable', but reiterated that it wasn't my choice and she was free to wear what she wanted. She told her mum that I wasn't too keen and her mum responded to her by saying I was being controlling, which was clearly not the case, yet Polly just let her say it and didn't back me up at all, even when she knew her mum was wrong.

    2) Her friends regularly insult me (not to me, to Polly) but she has never really said anything to them. One of them (who has never even met me) called me a ******* and said I was a 'total waste of space'. Her other friend told her that she 'could do 100x better than me' and told me that not only did she not back me up, but that her friend 'might have had a point'.

    3) Her mum has also called me a number of things, like a no-hoper (even though I'm going to a Russell Group university), a *******, and her mum even called me 'damaged' because of a few family deaths earlier in my life and a slightly rough upbringing. But I was never backed up in as far as Polly tells me, and in the 'damaged' and '*******' situations, I know for a fact that she didn't back me up because I was upstairs and could hear them..


    What does this say? Am I overreacting? What can I do?
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    But so exactly why do her friends say bad stuff about you? Maybe you are indeed not the most angelic...
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    (Original post by SuckMeBeautiful)
    But so exactly why do her friends say bad stuff about you? Maybe you are indeed not the most angelic...
    Because my girlfriend has a habit of telling them all of our issues, and very little of the positives, so most of them (without even meeting me) have a dim view of me.

    Of course I'm not perfect by any means, but I've never done anything to intentionally hurt her (mentally or physically).
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Me and my girlfriend (let's call her Polly) have been together for 9 months now. For the most part things are going well, but whenever there's some disagreement of any sort between me and someone else close to her (e.g. friends, parents etc.) she never takes my side.

    I'll just list some instances:

    1) Around 6 months ago Polly asked for my opinion on a dress she was going to wear on a night out. I was honest and told her I thought it was a bit 'questionable', but reiterated that it wasn't my choice and she was free to wear what she wanted. She told her mum that I wasn't too keen and her mum responded to her by saying I was being controlling, which was clearly not the case, yet Polly just let her say it and didn't back me up at all, even when she knew her mum was wrong.

    2) Her friends regularly insult me (not to me, to Polly) but she has never really said anything to them. One of them (who has never even met me) called me a ******* and said I was a 'total waste of space'. Her other friend told her that she 'could do 100x better than me' and told me that not only did she not back me up, but that her friend 'might have had a point'.

    3) Her mum has also called me a number of things, like a no-hoper (even though I'm going to a Russell Group university), a *******, and her mum even called me 'damaged' because of a few family deaths earlier in my life and a slightly rough upbringing. But I was never backed up in as far as Polly tells me, and in the 'damaged' and '*******' situations, I know for a fact that she didn't back me up because I was upstairs and could hear them..


    What does this say? Am I overreacting? What can I do?
    Is a stem subject at Oxbridge tho
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    Two sides: maybe you aren't treating her well.

    If you are though you should leave.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Because my girlfriend has a habit of telling them all of our issues, and very little of the positives, so most of them (without even meeting me) have a dim view of me.

    Of course I'm not perfect by any means, but I've never done anything to intentionally hurt her (mentally or physically).
    what exactly happens between you two and what does she tell them? I can't give you advice without knowing the details
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    Agree support from your partner is important in a relationship. A bit hard to judge the rights and wrongs of what you say without hearing both sides of the story but it does seem a bit mean. Not getting on great with your partners parents is pretty common though. Have you discussed the matter with her?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Me and my girlfriend (let's call her Polly) have been together for 9 months now. For the most part things are going well, but whenever there's some disagreement of any sort between me and someone else close to her (e.g. friends, parents etc.) she never takes my side.

    I'll just list some instances:

    1) Around 6 months ago Polly asked for my opinion on a dress she was going to wear on a night out. I was honest and told her I thought it was a bit 'questionable', but reiterated that it wasn't my choice and she was free to wear what she wanted. She told her mum that I wasn't too keen and her mum responded to her by saying I was being controlling, which was clearly not the case, yet Polly just let her say it and didn't back me up at all, even when she knew her mum was wrong.

    2) Her friends regularly insult me (not to me, to Polly) but she has never really said anything to them. One of them (who has never even met me) called me a ******* and said I was a 'total waste of space'. Her other friend told her that she 'could do 100x better than me' and told me that not only did she not back me up, but that her friend 'might have had a point'.

    3) Her mum has also called me a number of things, like a no-hoper (even though I'm going to a Russell Group university), a *******, and her mum even called me 'damaged' because of a few family deaths earlier in my life and a slightly rough upbringing. But I was never backed up in as far as Polly tells me, and in the 'damaged' and '*******' situations, I know for a fact that she didn't back me up because I was upstairs and could hear them..


    What does this say? Am I overreacting? What can I do?

    The mum sounds like a *****, and would make a terrible mother-in-law, to call you "damaged" because of a death in a family, is callous and shows how highly she thinks of you..
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    (Original post by Magnus Taylor)
    Is a stem subject at Oxbridge tho
    STEM at York

    (Original post by AvaAdore)
    Two sides: maybe you aren't treating her well.

    If you are though you should leave.
    I can confidently say I treat her well - I get judged on things that are clearly not true - her own mother admits she wants Polly to get another boyfriend because I'm from the midlands (she has this weird hatred for it).
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    Well I would have a serious talk if not leave her.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    STEM at York



    I can confidently say I treat her well - I get judged on things that are clearly not true - her own mother admits she wants Polly to get another boyfriend because I'm from the midlands (she has this weird hatred for it).
    It's not you it's her
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    (Original post by Okorange)
    Well I would have a serious talk if not leave her.
    I agree, Harvey knows best
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    (Original post by Maradiah)
    The mum sounds like a *****, and would make a terrible mother-in-law, to call you "damaged" because of a death in a family, is callous and shows how highly she thinks of you..
    Her mum seems to try anything to get us to break up, or at least make things difficult. Her parents have this unrealistic image of what kind of boyfriend Polly should be with. They come from a middle-class background, and myself working class. I used to stay over fairly often (maybe 2-3 times per week) until her mum said she didn't like it being so frequent, so I cut it town (1-2 times per week), then she complained that she didn't like me staying on nights when Polly had college the next say, so I stopped. But she still wasn't happy, and basically never lets me stay over anymore (I haven't stayed over in around 2 months now). I just feel like I was never even given a chance - Polly's dad dislikes me because I'm 'not jolly enough'. That was his only complaint - but it's just my calm personality, I can't really change that.

    It's just ridiculously frustrating.
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    Bring up this issue. What does she have to say about it?

    If you don't like what she says then leave. Find someone who does back you and doesn't just agree to what others say to her.

    Good luck!
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    This is why I don't advocate people discussing every single issue they have with their girlfriend/boyfriend with their friends and family. It creates a whole different depiction from you, from their end. No matter how nice you appear to be or the amazing things you do for your girlfriend in front of her friends and family, they will always have in the back of their mind the negative things 'Polly' has said about you.

    You're only 9 months in and it seems like 'Polly' is complaining about you to everyone close to her, clearly there is something going wrong in the relationship.

    If I were you, I would sit down and have a honest conversation with 'Polly' ask her what she is telling her friends and family about you, why she is discussing those things, and ask her if she has any issues or resentment towards anything you have done so far. If you can both deal with your issues together, then it is unlikely she will have major things to complain about to other people. Sounds like you two have not been in sync communication wise.

    Personally, that seems to be the source of your problems, if you can tackle that then her family and friends perception of you may change based on what she tells them, and the insults and shady comments behind your back should also stop.
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    (Original post by alis-volatpropriis)
    This is why I don't advocate people discussing every single issue they have with their girlfriend/boyfriend with their friends and family. It creates a whole different depiction from you, from their end. No matter how nice you appear to be or the amazing things you do for your girlfriend in front of her friends and family, they will always have in the back of their mind the negative things 'Polly' has said about you.

    You're only 9 months in and it seems like 'Polly' is complaining about you to everyone close to her, clearly there is something going wrong in the relationship.

    If I were you, I would sit down and have a honest conversation with 'Polly' ask her what she is telling her friends and family about you, why she is discussing those things, and ask her if she has any issues or resentment towards anything you have done so far. If you can both deal with your issues together, then it is unlikely she will have major things to complain about to other people. Sounds like you two have not been in sync communication wise.

    Personally, that seems to be the source of your problems, if you can tackle that then her family and friends perception of you may change based on what she tells them, and the insults and shady comments behind your back should also stop.
    I've asked her to at least try to stop telling her friends and family about our issues for a while now, it's been brought up at least 5 times and she's agreed to for the sake of our relationship. But she still seems to be doing it - and the damage seems to be already done with her friends and family - so what now?
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    To be fair I'd be pissed if you stayed there 2-3 nights a week why she stay at yours? Maybe she thinks you're mooching off them?

    What were the arguments you had about?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I've asked her to at least try to stop telling her friends and family about our issues for a while now, it's been brought up at least 5 times and she's agreed to for the sake of our relationship. But she still seems to be doing it - and the damage seems to be already done with her friends and family - so what now?
    I hate to suggest parting ways, but since you have discussed this issue with her several times and she still hasn't stopped. There is only so much that you can do.. I would let her know that this is making you question the longevity and future of the relationship.

    It really sounds very stressful, 'Polly's' mother is very unreasonable, have you tried having a conversation with Polly and her mother? It would be interesting to see how she justifies disliking you for no reason. If you 3 can openly discuss that you only have good intentions for 'Polly' maybe you can change her mother's perception of you?

    Your relationship is so early, 9 months in you should still be in the honeymoon period!
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    (Original post by alis-volatpropriis)
    I hate to suggest parting ways, but since you have discussed this issue with her several times and she still hasn't stopped. There is only so much that you can do.. I would let her know that this is making you question the longevity and future of the relationship.

    It really sounds very stressful, 'Polly's' mother is very unreasonable, have you tried having a conversation with Polly and her mother? It would be interesting to see how she justifies disliking you for no reason. If you 3 can openly discuss that you only have good intentions for 'Polly' maybe you can change her mother's perception of you?

    Your relationship is so early, 9 months in you should still be in the honeymoon period!
    I said to Polly that I wasn't going to come to her again before speaking personally with her mother - but her mother said that she didn't want that, and that she doesn't like confrontation (I'm a very calm person, and not confrontational whatsoever) - so it never materialised and I've not been around since.

    I've contemplated breaking up with her, but I still have very strong feelings for her, and (as selfish as it sounds) breaking up with her now would ruin my exams, and I would almost certainly miss my offers:/
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    (Original post by AvaAdore)
    To be fair I'd be pissed if you stayed there 2-3 nights a week why she stay at yours? Maybe she thinks you're mooching off them?

    What were the arguments you had about?
    I saw her point about that - this only went on for a month or so maximum and when her mum said, I stopped immediately.

    My arguments with my girlfriend? Well there's been a few..
 
 
 
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