Join TSR now for chat about life, relationships, fashion and more…Sign up now

Should I meet up with my ex? Watch

    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    So I was hoping that you guys could offer me some advice.

    My ex and I were together for 6 months. We broke up shortly after going to uni but now she wants to meet up with me.

    During this time, I spent a huge amount of time with her family/at her place and we went on an incredible holiday. She would say REALLY intense things like 'you're my soulmate', 'I want to spend the rest of my life with you', 'I can see our lives together', '"If I was to get pregnant, an abortion would be really hard considering it was yours" etc. She also wrote similar things in her diary apparently, so I feel that she must have believed it at the time.

    Anyway, we agreed to try and make our relaitonship work at university (4 hours apart). After a week of separation, she stopped texting me. After 2 weeks I decided to visit. On the night that we had organised, I sent a last minute confirmation text before leaving on the long drive. She cancelled, but had completely forgotten I was coming! I agreed to come the next day and to bring her things from her house, which I retrieved from her family. I was pretty concerned but assumedthat since she had asked me to bring her things, she couldn't possibly be thinking of ending it.

    When I arrived the next day she greeted me with tears, although would not say why. We agreed to go to dinner. She spent almost the entire drive texting another guy and her new friends, only occasionally talking to me. She then consistently looked at her phone and messaged him during the meal, before eventually apologising and putting it away. She even told him that our conversation was forced.

    She continued to text him on the journey home. She then took me to see some of her new friends who apparently wanted to meet me - again I assumed she wouldn't do this if she was thinking of ending it. When we arrived home I asked her what was going on. She told me, almost dispassionately, that she had gone home with this guy on the phone the night before, and had slept in his bed, although denied anything had happened. At the very least, I suspect she must have kissed him and, considering the fact that she cheated on her ex, and was "afraid of messing up once at uni", I don't know whether to believe her that nothing else happened.

    She even checked her messages and sent a message to this other guy at one point whilst we were breaking up.

    What I believe is that she genuinely felt strong emotions, mostly lust, for me whilst we were together and believed everything that she was saying at the time, although fluctuated between caring a great deal and not caring quite so much. When she got to university, our connection broke down due to lack of commonality and she found someone more indie, into drugs etc. I still can't understand how it happened so quickly...

    Now she wants to meet up, who knows why. My question is, should I feel aggrieved by her behaviour? Should I look at this as the behaviour of someone I would not want to end up spending my life with?

    I find myself thinking, maybe she was feeling guilty/awkward/unsure and didn't know how to end it, hence ignoring me to text other people etc. She had already admitted to being a bit of a coward when it came to ending relationships. Also there was the excitement of the first fortnight of uni to consider. Finally, perhaps the kissing/going home with someone is more understandable if it became obvious you didn't care as you thought you did for someone.

    To me, she acted in a pretty selfish, thoughtless way, which was perhaps something I saw during the relationship also. Do you agree? Strange thing is, I had a car accident a few weeks ago and she immediately called me upon finding out - a level of caring she seemed not to show in the prior events. I wonder whether she just didn't recognise she was doing anything wrong, but then does that make her selfish in itself? Friends all tell me to forget her, that she acted badly but I just don't know.

    Would love to hear what you guys think
    Offline

    2
    ReputationRep:
    The way you described her and the way she acts she seems a bit childish and like she doesn't take things seriously. My advice would be to just move on, you don't need this drama and heartache. I don't think you should meet up, it might be difficult but I don't think you should let someone treat you with disrespect.


    Posted from TSR Mobile
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by gabzy)
    The way you described her and the way she acts she seems a bit childish and like she doesn't take things seriously. My advice would be to just move on, you don't need this drama and heartache. I don't think you should meet up, it might be difficult but I don't think you should let someone treat you with disrespect.


    Posted from TSR Mobile
    I wonder whether she will grow out of such behaviour or whether that's just her. I also wonder whether I seemed weak to her, hence the disrespectful treatment? (I have severe depression and low self-esteem)
    Offline

    2
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I wonder whether she will grow out of such behaviour or whether that's just her. I also wonder whether I seemed weak to her, hence the disrespectful treatment? (I have severe depression and low self-esteem)
    I have the same issue and often I find myself just putting up with nasty people. Seriously just wait for a nicer girl. You're not weak she's just a nasty girl. Find someone who treats you with respect and actually has time for you. Don't waste your life waiting for people to grow up. And remember that cheating is not a mistake, it's not like accidentally knocking over a glass and spilling orange juice everywhere... It's a decision and it's an action that requires thinking. And if she's afraid of messing up in uni it says a lot about how she doesn't take things seriously.
    Please just move on. Work on yourself. Get help with your depression. Be happy and confident and wait for a nice girl to come along. I know it's difficult. But she doesn't bloody even care! Don't waste your time and energy on this silly girl it's not gonna help you to become a confident happy person


    Posted from TSR Mobile
    Offline

    1
    ReputationRep:
    Honestly you are better of moving on. If someone truly loves and cares for you they wouldn't dream of cheating let alone doing it. Once a cheater, always a cheater. I'm sorry, it's not what you want to hear.
    Offline

    3
    Don't meet up with her. She will try and lull you in a false sense of security that she does care for you, but it'll just piss you off even more than she's texting this other guy nonchalantly. Trust me it's happened to me before and I can speak from a personal standpoint.

    You should just think to have a better time at university. Let bygones be bygones and she's definitely in the past. You need to forget about all the 'serious' type stuff she would say to you. Clearly she didn't mean it.
    Offline

    2
    ReputationRep:
    She probably has realised that she's f*cked up and now has lost what was once the best thing in her life, and she's now acting upon that emotion and out of guilt. She probably also feels really conflicted.

    To be honest though, these things happen, especially after starting uni. You go to uni thinking you're already with the love of your life, then you meet loads of other people and perhaps a particularly person who you develop feelings for, and it makes you re-evaluate everything. And distance, other barriers, these feelings and guilt start to alienate you from your current SO.

    I'm not gonna lie, it happened to me. However, I had the sense to break up with my boyfriend when I realised things weren't working out.

    My advice: Don't meet up with her. Leave it as a clean break, cos it sounds like things are pretty messed up at her end. It's not worth the time and emotion.
    Offline

    1
    ReputationRep:
    Hayeeeelll no! Steer clear!
 
 
 
Write a reply… Reply
Submit reply
Updated: May 11, 2015
TSR Support Team

We have a brilliant team of more than 60 Support Team members looking after discussions on The Student Room, helping to make it a fun, safe and useful place to hang out.

Poll
Would you rather

The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

Quick reply
Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.