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I don't understand my sexuality, what do you think? watch

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    TL : DR In general, I hate the concept of labels, but I feel like I need to be able to label myself in order to find the right kind of support. I don't know whether I am gay straight or asexual. I want a romantic relationship with a man, I have some physical attraction to women, however I do not want to have actual sex with either a man or woman. I'm very androgynous and fortunately, I come from environment where being gay or bi is barely a topic and everyone is more or less fine with it. I'm not religious and as far as I know, I don't have any blatant or repressed reason to be so averse to sex. I want everything but sex. Please read this ridiculously long post I wrote because I would like to be able to talk to people who feel like me, and I feel like I need to know what I'm looking for so maybe I can find love with someone and not die alone.

    Googling, "I don't know whether I'm gay or straight or asexual or just have a low libido or just weird or maybe just ugly and unloveable?" Hasn't really helped so far.



    HERE'S THE SITCH:

    I thought I was definitely into guys until about a year or so ago. Every crush I ever had was a guy and although I have never been in a relationship, sexual or romantic, with either sex, I always pictured myself with a guy in the future. I just figured I had a n extremely low libido and was very unattractive, hence why I was not in a relationship with a guy.

    About a year ago, at the age of 24, I started questioning if that was actually my preference. I'm casually interested in the study of sexuality, and i had been having some discussions with a colleague who was very interested in the topic too, but also had a very active sex life, so came from a very different perspective - (although interestingly enough, we arrived at similar conclusions about things like fluidity, feminism, misogyny, pornography etc).

    I started to think about the moment I defined my sexuality - I literally asked myself, "do I like girls or do i like guys?" at the confusing age of, say, 13/14, and came to conclusion it was guys. It could've gone either way because I had already felt arousement at the idea of either. I started to realise how arbitrary that decision was, just last year. Maybe I did like girls afterall- I masturbated to female porn occasionally, more than anything else, honestly. Isn't that what sexual orientation is all about? The gender you are sexually attracted to? I hang around with a lot of gender bending friends, gay straight, androgynous everything and in between. So I got no help there- they were just like "Huh? Who the hell cares who you're having sex with? Forget about labels! As long as it's safe! As long as youre actually having it! hahahaha!" This is an awesome group of people to be with and I was chilled out for a while. I thought, "Yeah, I'm into guys Im also into girls it doesn't matter" and if you were to look at me, you'd probably wouldn't be surprised to hear either.

    But something still nagged on at me and that was "as long as you're actually having sex" part. No, now you mention it, I wasn't. At the age of 24, I had never been in a relationship with guy or girl, had little to no intimate or sexual relations with a girl or guy. I don't consider myself very attractive at all and often put my lackof experience down to that, and having no self confidence. But I started to realise that I am not a complete write off. I have my good days. And being ugly never stopped people having sex and being in relationships before. Otherwise only the beautiful people woul recreate and we'd all be beautiful. And no matter what I think about myself, I have still, on occasion -rare as they may be- been hit on/pursued by members of both sex- guys more so than girls, but both. Girls have told me they would love to be with someone just like me, my personality, my attitude. Dudes are always surprised that they like, usually because they wouldn't expect I'd be so into the stuff they are. I never felt compelled to do anything with either. Not even tempted. Most of the time I don't even pick up the signs until its pointed out to me, highlighted, circled with a red marker. I have neve felt that urge. I don't know what it means to be turned on by someone.

    I only know this. I romanticise being with men. I fantasise about being with women. A major part of me wants to be in a traditional relationship if only for the reason I'd like to have a traditional family - I didn't have that. So I wonder if I'm confusing myself because I still have issues with non traditional set ups. However, I know I could still have a family no matter what I wanted- I just don't know what I want because I don't feel sexual attraction to either in real life. I find the actual act of sex- real sex, not pornography, not sexuality as a subject- with either sex inappropriate and awkward. I hate when its brought up in conversation. Depending on who I am with I either act gay or straight just to make it easier to change the topic- I realised that people are very bothered by the idea of adults not having sex. Apparently everybody likes some sort of sex! At the very least everybody WANTS to have sex! Even depraved people! If you abstain you are either consciously celibate, and control your sexual urges, or something is so wrong with you that literally nobody will have sex with you. But you must WANT to, surely! At least sometimes???

    But I am realising... no I don't. I want to be with someone, start a family, have a companion. I want to be loved by somebody and feel the same in return. But sex... sex is fiction to me. Or a myth. Something to be studied. Something to advance a plot in a story. Sometimes I can't believe people actually do it. I'm a little bit like "ew" when I think about people actually having sex. I think porn is fiction too (generally speaking) and that's the only form of sexual interaction I have, to relieve my very very low libido. But it's like, because I know they are acting and faking it, it's okay.



    PLOT TWIST/DISCUSSION:

    So if you read all of that, what is your impression of my sexuality? I haven't mentioned whether I'm male or female or anything else, but I am actually a female, 25, virgin, from a Christian background although I no longer practise and of afro-caribbean heritage. I'm tall and androgynous which is why I get approached by both sexes, but still more feminine then anything else. I'm very liberal minded and surrounded by a diverse crowd- we are bunch of misfits- my family have some conservative opinions but they try to be progressive. Does knowing this change what you think about my sexuality? Please be honest if it did I'm very interested to know! I initially wrote this completely without mentioning background because I wanted to get as unbiased an opinion as possible. Sex is a big part of life and love as a mature adult, and I just feel like if I can't find my place, I'll always feel as infantile and immature and alone as I do now.

    Help me out!!

    ps: i will also post this in other places on the internet for a balanced discussion
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    In my OP I forgot to include bisxuality as an option, or all the other terminolgies, just a quick disclaimer that I don't dismiss bisexuality as a sexual identity. I felt at times I've used it very conveniently, to avoid truly discussing my sexuality- or lack thereof, but I obviously don't deny being at some level attracted to both sexes. Hope that makes sense.
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    Are you afraid of being intimate with someone or afraid of being not good enough for someone else?
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    Both- I feel very uncomfortable with the idea of intimacy and touch in real life although I'm interested in theory. I have a lot of body/image hang ups and parts of me feel like nobody could ever want to be intimate with me or ever truly find me sexually appealing- and if they do, there must be something wrong with them. I don't know whether this is because I have seriously low self esteem or because I'm grossed out by actual sex or both.
    • #1
    #1

    I always questioned if I was bisexual/gay since I am a female and get off to lesbian porn way more than I do with normal. My friend is gay and she is able to be attracted to both sexes but only really "sees" herself with a girl even though she hasn't come out yet. I think its who you are able to see yourself with both relationship and sex wise. Maybe if you experimented or tried going out and getting "sexual" with either or both sexes, you could tell what sexuality you were and if you really are asexual or not. Porn isn't the same as real life like I'd get way more turned on being with someone than just watching fake sex.

    You never really know until you go out there and starting trying.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I always questioned if I was bisexual/gay since I am a female and get off to lesbian porn way more than I do with normal. My friend is gay and she is able to be attracted to both sexes but only really "sees" herself with a girl even though she hasn't come out yet. I think its who you are able to see yourself with both relationship and sex wise. Maybe if you experimented or tried going out and getting "sexual" with either or both sexes, you could tell what sexuality you were and if you really are asexual or not. Porn isn't the same as real life like I'd get way more turned on being with someone than just watching fake sex.

    You never really know until you go out there and starting trying.
    Well this is the problem,

    i see myself with a man, that's what I imagine and that's been my default
    i find women attractive, and if I'm watching porn, it's almost always girl/girl
    however I don't feel sexual to neither men or women in real life, I don't get turned on by people and very rarely feel horny. I find the idea of sex baffling and kind of scary and have never felt a strong enough urge to make me want to even kiss another person, even if I have a crush on them or find them physically attractive.
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    I guess it would make sense to just define myself as asexual but that doesn't really explain the attraction I feel sometimes- like I said I've had crushes and felt butterflies etc just not sexually, I don't know what it feels like to be so aroused you would be willing to have sex
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    (Original post by Okthislooksbad)
    Both- I feel very uncomfortable with the idea of intimacy and touch in real life although I'm interested in theory. I have a lot of body/image hang ups and parts of me feel like nobody could ever want to be intimate with me or ever truly find me sexually appealing- and if they do, there must be something wrong with them. I don't know whether this is because I have seriously low self esteem or because I'm grossed out by actual sex or both.
    Most likely self esteem.

    Um... an easy way of explaining it to people that aren't very well versed in all this sexuality stuff if they ask you about it would be to just say "I'm bisexual but I don't like sex". As for what the actual label is, I'm not tumblr enough to be able to give you an answer.

    Does seem weird to me that you're ok with porn but wouldn't want to do any actual sex with people yourself. Dunno what that means in the great scheme as I'm a bit simple really, but it's certainly odd.
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    (Original post by Retired_Messiah)
    Most likely self esteem.Um... an easy way of explaining it to people that aren't very well versed in all this sexuality stuff if they ask you about it would be to just say "I'm bisexual but I don't like sex". As for what the actual label is, I'm not tumblr enough to be able to give you an answer. Does seem weird to me that you're ok with porn but wouldn't want to do any actual sex with people yourself. Dunno what that means in the great scheme as I'm a bit simple really, but it's certainly odd.
    I probably will head over to tumblr... Just thought Id try TSR. I use to be very active here under a different username while I was still studying, and I remember there being a useful crowd about.

    As usual... The mention of porn always derails the conversation. Think of it this way, like a shoot em up first person video game. Maybe you play those games every once in while (in my case once a fortnight at most). 1player. It's fun it's mindless. But you wouldn't really want to shoot up people in real life, it's just a game, and you don't really understand people who derive pleasure in shooting up other people in real life. Also, whilst I may not get it personally I'm a strong believer in sexual freedom and liberation for women so well made porn is just another medium of art to me, it's like whatever, not a big deal.
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    OP, you sound like you know about sexuality, so I'm sure you're already aware of this.

    But it might make it easier for you to understand yourself if you split your feelings (or lack thereof) into romantic and sexual orientations. For example I'm homosexual (only attracted sexually to girls (and genderfluid/androgynous AFABs but w/e)) but panromantic (think about being in a relationship with any genders). On a day-to-day basis I say I'm either no label, or pansexual, but this doesn't fit well because my romantic and sexual orientations are different.

    SO obviously the only person who can define your orientations is yourself, but from what I've gathered in your post I'd say you're heteroromantic and asexual, or possibly a grey-asexual. Some asexuals do masturbate, but don't want sex with another person - this doesn't make you any less of an asexual.
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    (Original post by Okthislooksbad)
    As usual... The mention of porn always derails the conversation. .
    Probably shouldn't have mentioned it if you feel it's unrelated :dontknow:
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    I couldn't read that it's simply way too
    long.

    Why do you need to define and understand it so rigidly? Can't you go with the flow and just do what feels right for you?
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    (Original post by Okthislooksbad)
    I probably will head over to tumblr... Just thought Id try TSR. I use to be very active here under a different username while I was still studying, and I remember there being a useful crowd about.

    As usual... The mention of porn always derails the conversation. Think of it this way, like a shoot em up first person video game. Maybe you play those games every once in while (in my case once a fortnight at most). 1player. It's fun it's mindless. But you wouldn't really want to shoot up people in real life, it's just a game, and you don't really understand people who derive pleasure in shooting up other people in real life. Also, whilst I may not get it personally I'm a strong believer in sexual freedom and liberation for women so well made porn is just another medium of art to me, it's like whatever, not a big deal.
    I get the sentiment of your analogy, but the idea that porn and shoot 'em up games are comparable is ludicrous. Watching porn is less preferable to most than actually having sex. Playing shoot 'em up games is much much more preferable to the vast majority of people than actually shooting others.
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    (Original post by Alaric III)
    I get the sentiment of your analogy, but the idea that porn and shoot 'em up games are comparable is ludicrous. Watching porn is less preferable to most than actually having sex. Playing shoot 'em up games is much much more preferable to the vast majority of people than actually shooting others.
    Ok, fair enough substitute shoot em up for anything else, let's not be pedantic... hopefully it's apparent that I'm not literally comparing actual murder to sex. Just trying to show how the idea/fiction of something and it's reality can be far removed.
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    #2

    I think there are lots of people on the asexual/demi-sexual spectrum who would be able to offer you more help than me. But if it helps, I watched porn and enjoyed it to a limited extent, and enjoyed, to a limited extent the sexual pleasure I got from masturbating (although I turned to the internet to work out how to). However, I wondered about myself with other poeple, and thought about defining myself as asexual, because it just seemed a bit weird. Like, each to their own, I'm glad you enjoy it, but not for me, kind of thing; the same sort of attitude I'd have to a friend who really liked a kind of food I was indifferent to...
    As it happens, when I got together with my boyfriend I realised that actually, maybe I'd like to have sex with him, although it still seemed a bit like a weird concept. Now I sometimes wonder if I have a higher libido than him... I could be defined as demi-sexual (only interested in sex when there is a strong emotional bond) although that is hard to decide for yourself, as you have to have the strong emotional bond first. I would just identify myself as straight, as I think my uncertainty was mostly due to lack of experience, and while I hope I never sleep with anyone other than my boyfriend, in an awful situation where we weren't together, I don't think I would have the same indifferent attitude to sex- I now really enjoy it.

    Obviously, none of that likely applies to you, but, from my own experience, I'd take things as they go, and while labels can be helpful in allowing you to identify/express your feelings, you change and your labels can change with you...

    Hope that helps in some way... xx
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    (Original post by Retired_Messiah)
    Probably shouldn't have mentioned it if you feel it's unrelated :dontknow:
    I brought it up because I felt it was related, but I feel like sometimes people might hear me say porn and imagine I'm locked in a room with a computer who needs to get out and find a real person and have real sex. But yeah, probably shouldn't have brought it up cos

    (Original post by AvaAdore)
    I couldn't read that it's simply way too
    long.

    Why do you need to define and understand it so rigidly? Can't you go with the flow and just do what feels right for you?
    Sorry I know it was stupidly long. Yeah that's what my buddies say, just go with it. That was ok when is thought I might be bi, but then I realised that I'm not sexually into anyone and I became confused. However I don't want to be alone and I guess what I'm really after is a support group or community to share with- which I'll be able to find when I understand more about my sexuality. To be really reductive, should I be looking for advice by reading asexuality forums or bisexual forums?

    I feel like being able to identify with something will allow me to work on my other issues more easily.
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    (Original post by Chihiro_)
    OP, you sound like you know about sexuality, so I'm sure you're already aware of this.

    But it might make it easier for you to understand yourself if you split your feelings (or lack thereof) into romantic and sexual orientations. For example I'm homosexual (only attracted sexually to girls (and genderfluid/androgynous AFABs but w/e)) but panromantic (think about being in a relationship with any genders). On a day-to-day basis I say I'm either no label, or pansexual, but this doesn't fit well because my romantic and sexual orientations are different.

    SO obviously the only person who can define your orientations is yourself, but from what I've gathered in your post I'd say you're heteroromantic and asexual, or possibly a grey-asexual. Some asexuals do masturbate, but don't want sex with another person - this doesn't make you any less of an asexual.
    Thank you for saying this, this kind of helps me understand better- I am interested in sexuality, but of course being inexperienced I had no idea how to apply to my own feelings. I feel heteroromantic but I don't like the thought of sex. And I guess I'm Asexual with slight bisexual tendencies so graysexual? Masturbation was what confused me- but enjoying an orgasm still does not mean I am sexually attracted to other people!


    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I think there are lots of people on the asexual/demi-sexual spectrum who would be able to offer you more help than me. But if it helps, I watched porn and enjoyed it to a limited extent, and enjoyed, to a limited extent the sexual pleasure I got from masturbating (although I turned to the internet to work out how to). However, I wondered about myself with other poeple, and thought about defining myself as asexual, because it just seemed a bit weird. Like, each to their own, I'm glad you enjoy it, but not for me, kind of thing; the same sort of attitude I'd have to a friend who really liked a kind of food I was indifferent to...
    As it happens, when I got together with my boyfriend I realised that actually, maybe I'd like to have sex with him, although it still seemed a bit like a weird concept. Now I sometimes wonder if I have a higher libido than him... I could be defined as demi-sexual (only interested in sex when there is a strong emotional bond) although that is hard to decide for yourself, as you have to have the strong emotional bond first. I would just identify myself as straight, as I think my uncertainty was mostly due to lack of experience, and while I hope I never sleep with anyone other than my boyfriend, in an awful situation where we weren't together, I don't think I would have the same indifferent attitude to sex- I now really enjoy it.

    Obviously, none of that likely applies to you, but, from my own experience, I'd take things as they go, and while labels can be helpful in allowing you to identify/express your feelings, you change and your labels can change with you...

    Hope that helps in some way... xx
    Also thank you Anon for sharing your experience. I really really hope I am Demi-sexual (I didn't know what that meant before) because no, I don't want to be alone, and whether it is male or female I want to be with someone. But because I've never felt that sexual urge I thought it didn't exist. In a nutshell, I guess I've been waiting for "the one" but it's just that I'm getting older and it's getting harder and harder to understand why "no one" has appealed to me, let alone "the one".
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    Don't ever say that you are ugly! Ugliness is never something you can see, people who other people ugly have ugliness in their personalities. I have no I idea what you look like, but I can tell by the way you express yourself that you are not an ugly person. So please don't ever feel that way.

    In regards to you sexual feelings, it is not unheard of to not want to have sex! Simple as that! Don't feel that you're strange for not wanting sex because that's just you and there is nothing wrong with you for that! People like to label things as "asexual" or whatever, but just because you don't want to have sex with people doesn't mean you can't love and be loved. Maybe you will meet someone and love them and your feelings will change and you will want to have sex with them. Or maybe you won't and that's fine too!

    Just be yourself and don't worry about this too much. Just see how things go.
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    Don't see why you should label yourself tbh doesn't matter who you attracted to/like and you shouldn't have to try and put yourself into a category for people to understand. Sexuality is wayyyy more complex than just gay/straight but unfortunately most people just see black and white and don't even understand how their could be anything in between.
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    Maybe your pansexual, its like being Bi except your attracted to a person regardless of their gender (for the personality)
 
 
 
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