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Monogamy vs sexual experimentation. Not sure which path to take... watch

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    Here's the thing. I have a fantastic boyfriend: we're great friends, always laughing together and playing, hardly ever argue. He's a lovely human being with a good heart. He has done so much for me and treated me so well. I could not ask for a better person to be with long-term.

    However, I'm only 20 and have just found my feet in the adult world. I've not had a lot of sexual experience. My boyfriend is only the second man i've slept with and the third i've kissed.... like ever. Now, I know this is not a numbers game- i'm not interested in notches on bedposts. But part of me is longing for this experimentation period that so many 20-somethings experience. I find myself constantly worrying- what if I get to the age of thirty and have been with my boyfriend for ten years? What if I find myself regretting not taking the chance to be young and single?

    I have not and never will cheat on him. Swear to god, i'm trying to do the right thing here. If we break up I know I will be very upset, and so will he. But I don't want to conceal this from him and live a lie. While I love being with him, I don't want to be tied down. Yet I don't want to hurt him. Hope this doesn't sound too selfish but I just need some honest advice. Hoping some people will understand and not judge too heavily. I honestly do care about him a lot - hence why i'm finding it so hard to make a decision.
    • #2
    #2

    I understand you, many people will only judge this because you are currently in the relationship. You basically have two options; 1) be honest with him and tell him the situation, allow him to have the same chances and you can't then be jealous if he gets together with someone you dislike or if he even took the opportunity. Of course this could result in two ways; a) he accepts and you both agree on terms or a time period? B) he rejects, has trouble trusting you ever again as he is paranoid you may want someone else and this May result in the end of the relationship anyways OR 2) conceal these feelings, as at some point they will go away and just accept that if you love him it will be him for the rest of your life

    Sticky situation, but you have to consider that maybe you need to just project these feelings onto him by um *cough* trying new things shall we say...

    Whatever you decide, good luck and I hope things work out
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    It's common to feel this way.

    Just bear in mind that men as good as him, that you find attractive, find you attractive in return, and are single, are not easy to find.

    Which would you find worse; regretting not having had a period of meaningless, casual sex in your life, or regretting having given up a wonderful relationship (and potent not found a new one)?

    Lots of people who are able to have casual sex would kill for someone who loves them.

    And don't assume this guy would still be around for you after you've had your fun. You'd have to assume you'd lose him forever.

    Think carefully!

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    The grass isn't always greener on the other side :P
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    If you do break up with him, you will get over him over time. But 'experimenting' isn't as good as it sounds; and frankly, experimenting within a relationship is more appealing.
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    You want to sacrifice all these other features of the relationship for sex?

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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Here's the thing. I have a fantastic boyfriend: we're great friends, always laughing together and playing, hardly ever argue. He's a lovely human being with a good heart. He has done so much for me and treated me so well. I could not ask for a better person to be with long-term.

    However, I'm only 20 and have just found my feet in the adult world. I've not had a lot of sexual experience. My boyfriend is only the second man i've slept with and the third i've kissed.... like ever. Now, I know this is not a numbers game- i'm not interested in notches on bedposts. But part of me is longing for this experimentation period that so many 20-somethings experience. I find myself constantly worrying- what if I get to the age of thirty and have been with my boyfriend for ten years? What if I find myself regretting not taking the chance to be young and single?

    I have not and never will cheat on him. Swear to god, i'm trying to do the right thing here. If we break up I know I will be very upset, and so will he. But I don't want to conceal this from him and live a lie. While I love being with him, I don't want to be tied down. Yet I don't want to hurt him. Hope this doesn't sound too selfish but I just need some honest advice. Hoping some people will understand and not judge too heavily. I honestly do care about him a lot - hence why i'm finding it so hard to make a decision.
    What I noticed there is you sound more like you're talking about a best friend than a boyfriend. He might be all those things, but are you actually that attracted to him? Do you actually love him in a romantic way?

    I dunno, before I met my current girlfriend I was adamant that I wasn't going to get into a serious relationship for a few years, to use my early twenties for free experimentation. Meeting her completely changed that. I'm not saying I have never thought about wanting to shag other women, but I've never seriously considered breaking up with her to do so. Everyone's relationship is different, I'm not saying mine is better than yours because of this, just something to think about. My first girlfriend was a lovely person too, she didn't do anything wrong, but in the end I broke up with her because I just wasn't that attracted to her, we'd been together six months and I wasn't in love with her. It's brutal and makes you feel ****, but I was only prolonging the inevitable by staying with her.
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    You don't have to break up with him. Just make your relationship into an open/non-monogamous one instead of monogamous. Then you can still keep your boyfriend whilst also going out and experimenting sexually with others.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Here's the thing. I have a fantastic boyfriend: we're great friends, always laughing together and playing, hardly ever argue. He's a lovely human being with a good heart. He has done so much for me and treated me so well. I could not ask for a better person to be with long-term.

    However, I'm only 20 and have just found my feet in the adult world. I've not had a lot of sexual experience. My boyfriend is only the second man i've slept with and the third i've kissed.... like ever. Now, I know this is not a numbers game- i'm not interested in notches on bedposts. But part of me is longing for this experimentation period that so many 20-somethings experience. I find myself constantly worrying- what if I get to the age of thirty and have been with my boyfriend for ten years? What if I find myself regretting not taking the chance to be young and single?

    I have not and never will cheat on him. Swear to god, i'm trying to do the right thing here. If we break up I know I will be very upset, and so will he. But I don't want to conceal this from him and live a lie. While I love being with him, I don't want to be tied down. Yet I don't want to hurt him. Hope this doesn't sound too selfish but I just need some honest advice. Hoping some people will understand and not judge too heavily. I honestly do care about him a lot - hence why i'm finding it so hard to make a decision.
    Just tell him
    He might feel the same way and want an open relationship. Nothing wrong with it.
 
 
 
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