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Why does this still hurt me after so long?
Basically im still having issues with a friend from last year who things have gone majorly wrong with. Stuff was great for the first year at uni (till the end of term 3), she was my closest friend and we used to speak for hours a day about anything and everything. I truly did trust her completely and cared about her a lot. Anyway, things went a bit wrong at the end of the last academic year because she got unexpected resits of her exams, had boyfriend troubles and basically didn't deal very well with any of it and as such took it out on me and her other friends just by cutting us out more or less completely. I took that pretty hard because one minute things were fine and the next she just wasnt really talking to me. Things stayed that way pretty much all over summer until the end when she just spontaneously contacted me and then after that we chatted quite frequently on the phone. I went to visit her just before we went back to uni and had a fantastic couple of days, just like old times again as if nothing had ever happened. We kind of spoke about it, but more skirted round the issue, i think we were just both glad that it was over and things were back to how they used to be. Anyway, a few weeks into the first term this year she started being really rude to me for no particular reason and doing the whole not really talking thing again, so after a couple of weeks i went to talk to her about it, we had an argument/discussion for a couple of hours to no avail...decided to just leave it be and see how things went. Unfortunately her parents got involved (shes very close to one of them, unhealthily so) and rang me up threatening to kill me, all very ridiculous and nasty. Anyway, i tried to speak to her the next day just to say, look we have to live together, lets just be civil and she wasnt having any of it. Tried to speak to her again just before Christmas and she told me to '**** off'. Craziness. Anyway, so ive had 5 weeks completely away from her to sort my head out and have honestly realised that i am better off without, she made me a person i didn't really want to be in many respects and had so many qualities that i just don't agree with e.g. she was a bit racist, i should have never put up with it and allowed her to compromise my integrity, but i cared for her, so i guess she got away with it.
ANYWAY...so, today back at the house, i made the decision (backed up by every single person i know to be the best and only thing to do) to completely and utterly ignore her presence. Which i have done...ive bumped into her on about four different occasions today, nothing said by either of us, no eye contact, anything. Yet...it still hurts and stresses me out. She hasn't even done anything to me today apart from simply be here, yet it still made me sad. Why can't i just forget and get on with it? I know it would be far easier if i didn't have to see her every damn day, but my head and my heart are just completely at odds with one another. Head and everyone who cares about me says shes a complete waste of time and makes me a worse person, heart doesent even want to be friends again or anything like that, but somethings still there. Its madness.
ANYWAY...so, today back at the house, i made the decision (backed up by every single person i know to be the best and only thing to do) to completely and utterly ignore her presence. Which i have done...ive bumped into her on about four different occasions today, nothing said by either of us, no eye contact, anything. Yet...it still hurts and stresses me out. She hasn't even done anything to me today apart from simply be here, yet it still made me sad. Why can't i just forget and get on with it? I know it would be far easier if i didn't have to see her every damn day, but my head and my heart are just completely at odds with one another. Head and everyone who cares about me says shes a complete waste of time and makes me a worse person, heart doesent even want to be friends again or anything like that, but somethings still there. Its madness.
Reply 1
She has a serious stick up her bum!
Time heals though sweetie. Just ignore her, make it clear you've realised how much better off you are without her, and hopefully that'll deflate her ego a little bit.
Time heals though sweetie. Just ignore her, make it clear you've realised how much better off you are without her, and hopefully that'll deflate her ego a little bit.
Reply 2
2
She hasn't really got that much of one though (an ego i mean!), thats the really sad thing, i feel very sorry for her. Her confidence in most things is rock bottom because of her upbringing and controlling nature of her parents, even now at her age. The odd thing is, she doesent really resent it either, i think she finds it kind of normal and enjoys being scarily close to her parents. I mean spending an hour a day on the phone to your mother (generally in multiple installments)when you are at uni can't be right.
Reply 3
11
I'm not going to suggest that you're devoid of any responsibility as you're probably just as guilty in some respects, but from what you've described she does sound like a hand-full.
I'm not too sure if pretending she doesn't exist is really a solution as the tension is still there and it does rub off as being quite immature. I think you may need to just give it time and when she's calm, try and perhaps address the situation between the two of you very carefully as to not provoke another reaction. Although, that said, I'm not sure what your 'friend' is like, so perhaps your method really may be the only practical solution.
What your friend's parent did is just pathetic so don't let that bother you, but it makes you wonder what dialog has been exchanged between them and as such what ideas, rightly or wrongly may have been planted against you.
Just a thought... do you think perhaps the reason she was rude for no reason was because when she returned to university her old daemons returned?
I know it's hard, but try not to let it grind you down.
I'm not too sure if pretending she doesn't exist is really a solution as the tension is still there and it does rub off as being quite immature. I think you may need to just give it time and when she's calm, try and perhaps address the situation between the two of you very carefully as to not provoke another reaction. Although, that said, I'm not sure what your 'friend' is like, so perhaps your method really may be the only practical solution.
What your friend's parent did is just pathetic so don't let that bother you, but it makes you wonder what dialog has been exchanged between them and as such what ideas, rightly or wrongly may have been planted against you.
Just a thought... do you think perhaps the reason she was rude for no reason was because when she returned to university her old daemons returned?
I know it's hard, but try not to let it grind you down.
Reply 4
2
Nix!
I'm not going to suggest that you're devoid of any responsibility as you're probably just as guilty in some respects, but from what you've described she does sound like a hand-full.
I'm not too sure if pretending she doesn't exist is really a solution as the tension is still there and it does rub off as being quite immature. I think you may need to just give it time and when she's calm, try and perhaps address the situation between the two of you very carefully as to not provoke another reaction. Although, that said, I'm not sure what your 'friend' is like, so perhaps your method really may be the only practical solution.
What your friend's parent did is just pathetic so don't let that bother you, but it makes you wonder what dialog has been exchanged between them and as such what ideas, rightly or wrongly may have been planted against you.
Just a thought... do you think perhaps the reason she was rude for no reason was because when she returned to university her old daemons returned?
I know it's hard, but try not to let it grind you down.
I'm not too sure if pretending she doesn't exist is really a solution as the tension is still there and it does rub off as being quite immature. I think you may need to just give it time and when she's calm, try and perhaps address the situation between the two of you very carefully as to not provoke another reaction. Although, that said, I'm not sure what your 'friend' is like, so perhaps your method really may be the only practical solution.
What your friend's parent did is just pathetic so don't let that bother you, but it makes you wonder what dialog has been exchanged between them and as such what ideas, rightly or wrongly may have been planted against you.
Just a thought... do you think perhaps the reason she was rude for no reason was because when she returned to university her old daemons returned?
I know it's hard, but try not to let it grind you down.
Hey,
Thanks for the reply (same for person above Nix). I was civil to her every single time i saw her last term, i said hi, i held the door open when she was coming into the house after me, moved my car over so she had enough room to park when it was a bit of a squeeze to fit all of the cars in. Got absolutely nothing back, not a single hi in about 6 weeks. There were some guys outside the house messing around by her car one night (somewhere near christmas) which is really expensive and i thought i saw one of their bikes fall into it, so i knocked on her door and told her incase there was damage to it, and she just gave me the dirtiest look as if i had done something wrong, then when she came back in from checking it, i asked if everything was ok and she just shrugged and basically ignored me. So yes, i think you can probably see that trying to talk to her again would be a futile attempt, shes just not mature enough.
As for the rude for no reason, i did kinda find out in our 'discussion' what that was about. I didnt really understand. We do different yet related subjects (biomed and med), so when i told her a certain part of it that she was going to do this term was 'easy' meaning she would find it a doddle, she somehow took from that that i found it easy and she wouldnt
Also, i go on the rowing machines at the gym, she does actual rowing and we used to talk about how fast we could do certain distances etc, she started to think for some reason that i thought i was better than her at it and was competing with her, even though ive never been in a rowing boat in my life . Really random. Basically her mother blames me for her failing her first year because we spent a lot of time together, so i guess she turned her against me eventually. Its a mad situation, im sure it makes for good reading!Reply 5
11
vickyrkenya
Hey,
Thanks for the reply (same for person above Nix). I was civil to her every single time i saw her last term, i said hi, i held the door open when she was coming into the house after me, moved my car over so she had enough room to park when it was a bit of a squeeze to fit all of the cars in. Got absolutely nothing back, not a single hi in about 6 weeks. There were some guys outside the house messing around by her car one night (somewhere near christmas) which is really expensive and i thought i saw one of their bikes fall into it, so i knocked on her door and told her incase there was damage to it, and she just gave me the dirtiest look as if i had done something wrong, then when she came back in from checking it, i asked if everything was ok and she just shrugged and basically ignored me. So yes, i think you can probably see that trying to talk to her again would be a futile attempt, shes just not mature enough.
As for the rude for no reason, i did kinda find out in our 'discussion' what that was about. I didnt really understand. We do different yet related subjects (biomed and med), so when i told her a certain part of it that she was going to do this term was 'easy' meaning she would find it a doddle, she somehow took from that that i found it easy and she wouldnt Also, i go on the rowing machines at the gym, she does actual rowing and we used to talk about how fast we could do certain distances etc, she started to think for some reason that i thought i was better than her at it and was competing with her, even though ive never been in a rowing boat in my life . Really random. Basically her mother blames me for her failing her first year because we spent a lot of time together, so i guess she turned her against me eventually. Its a mad situation, im sure it makes for good reading!
Thanks for the reply (same for person above Nix). I was civil to her every single time i saw her last term, i said hi, i held the door open when she was coming into the house after me, moved my car over so she had enough room to park when it was a bit of a squeeze to fit all of the cars in. Got absolutely nothing back, not a single hi in about 6 weeks. There were some guys outside the house messing around by her car one night (somewhere near christmas) which is really expensive and i thought i saw one of their bikes fall into it, so i knocked on her door and told her incase there was damage to it, and she just gave me the dirtiest look as if i had done something wrong, then when she came back in from checking it, i asked if everything was ok and she just shrugged and basically ignored me. So yes, i think you can probably see that trying to talk to her again would be a futile attempt, shes just not mature enough.
As for the rude for no reason, i did kinda find out in our 'discussion' what that was about. I didnt really understand. We do different yet related subjects (biomed and med), so when i told her a certain part of it that she was going to do this term was 'easy' meaning she would find it a doddle, she somehow took from that that i found it easy and she wouldnt
Also, i go on the rowing machines at the gym, she does actual rowing and we used to talk about how fast we could do certain distances etc, she started to think for some reason that i thought i was better than her at it and was competing with her, even though ive never been in a rowing boat in my life . Really random. Basically her mother blames me for her failing her first year because we spent a lot of time together, so i guess she turned her against me eventually. Its a mad situation, im sure it makes for good reading!She sounds very immature from what you've just described. I would probably also describe her as perhaps having an inferiority complex or just being stupidly competitive due to her reaction to the above mention situations. If you've exhausted all avenue of dialog, then you're probably justified in just avoiding eachother. It sounds to me like she's afraid of her controlling parents (who are probably controlling as they want the best of her) and as a result blamed her failure on what she could, that being you. I wouldn't be surprised if her parents have said some nasty things about you (because you made her 'fail') and such is why she's acting differently now you're back at university. Perhaps she's scared of failing again. The fact she failed her first year is not really uncommon if you look at the fact her parents are controlling; she's away from home and finally found some freedom and inevitabley failed.
The only reason I could imagine her looking at you with disgust when you tried to help her is probably because she thinks she's better than you, which would also explain other reactions. I had a flatmate last year who acted very similarly to how you're describing your friend. My flatmate's and I simply ignored him in the hope he would grow up, alas he didn't but we feel it gave him a good life-lesson.
Anyway, enough of my amateur psycho-babble. You can only really hope that time makes her see the error of her ways, but don't pin your hopes on it.
Reply 6
I think I have this one figured out.
She failed her first year. When confronted by her parents as to why, she said it was your fault. They told her to completely cut off contact with you, and therefore she did. She later realised your worth and got back together with you, She decided things were going pear-shaped. Informed her parents that you were talking to her again.
She failed her first year. When confronted by her parents as to why, she said it was your fault. They told her to completely cut off contact with you, and therefore she did. She later realised your worth and got back together with you, She decided things were going pear-shaped. Informed her parents that you were talking to her again.
Reply 7
2
Ta for the replies.
Reply 8
15
One of my friends is having a similar problem - best mates last year, trouble hits, now they hate each other's guts but they act smilie and civil and still chat with one another, simply to make things easier cus they're housemates. My friend is now moving out to live with my bf, who's also moving out (same house) since his room is a rain forest lol.
Anyway, don't beat yourself up over it. It feels so stupid, doesn't it, to linger and still care for someone whom you know will never return your affection
whom you know to be bad for you. It's normal - it's called being loyal I suppose. It's a good quality and there's nothing wrong with caring for her. She's on self-destruct - doesn't mean you have to be. Just be nice to her and civil - maybe she'll come around. But even if she doesn't, at least you can say you never gave up on her and gave her no reason to hate you, and at least that stiff silence wouldn't be there to ruin your day. I'm kinda like you in this respect, I suppose After a few times of being hurt like that, you kinda learn to let go of people in that way.
Anyway, don't beat yourself up over it. It feels so stupid, doesn't it, to linger and still care for someone whom you know will never return your affection
whom you know to be bad for you. It's normal - it's called being loyal I suppose. It's a good quality and there's nothing wrong with caring for her. She's on self-destruct - doesn't mean you have to be. Just be nice to her and civil - maybe she'll come around. But even if she doesn't, at least you can say you never gave up on her and gave her no reason to hate you, and at least that stiff silence wouldn't be there to ruin your day. I'm kinda like you in this respect, I suppose After a few times of being hurt like that, you kinda learn to let go of people in that way.Reply 9
2
I just want to get over it completely, it is happening, but I just want it to go away now. Thanks for the reply Irsing, it was comforting to know that theres not something wrong with me because of this situation. I can't help feeling a bit weak because I let her get to me this much sometimes. Kinda doesent say much for my strength of character.
Reply 10
I have EXACTLY the same problem.
My best friend has stopped talking to me. For no reason. She is NO good for me and although its only been a week since we stopped talking I'm finding it hard.
Shes SOOO immature, I really want to go up to her tommorow and talk to her about all of this and tell her I need her because I can't stop thinking about her. She was my best friend man...we told each other everything.
Now she backstabs about me over a silly little argument.
It hurts sooo much...and I'm a freaking guy.
I must be gay
My best friend has stopped talking to me. For no reason. She is NO good for me and although its only been a week since we stopped talking I'm finding it hard.
Shes SOOO immature, I really want to go up to her tommorow and talk to her about all of this and tell her I need her because I can't stop thinking about her. She was my best friend man...we told each other everything.
Now she backstabs about me over a silly little argument.
It hurts sooo much...and I'm a freaking guy.
I must be gay
Reply 11
2
Bedshaped
I have EXACTLY the same problem.
My best friend has stopped talking to me. For no reason. She is NO good for me and although its only been a week since we stopped talking I'm finding it hard.
Shes SOOO immature, I really want to go up to her tommorow and talk to her about all of this and tell her I need her because I can't stop thinking about her. She was my best friend man...we told each other everything.
Now she backstabs about me over a silly little argument.
It hurts sooo much...and I'm a freaking guy.
I must be gay
My best friend has stopped talking to me. For no reason. She is NO good for me and although its only been a week since we stopped talking I'm finding it hard.
Shes SOOO immature, I really want to go up to her tommorow and talk to her about all of this and tell her I need her because I can't stop thinking about her. She was my best friend man...we told each other everything.
Now she backstabs about me over a silly little argument.
It hurts sooo much...and I'm a freaking guy.
I must be gay
Guy or girl, doesent make any difference at all. Its really hard isnt it...you know its for the best that you don't speak anymore, but at the same time you were just so happy in their presence, just chatting about anything and everything and want it back. Want to feel like that again, not the horrible situation that exists now.
Reply 12
vickyrkenya
Guy or girl, doesent make any difference at all. Its really hard isnt it...you know its for the best that you don't speak anymore, but at the same time you were just so happy in their presence, just chatting about anything and everything and want it back. Want to feel like that again, not the horrible situation that exists now.
Exactly!
Did you have lots and lots in common with this person? I know I have sooo much in common with the girl I am talking about.
I want to talk to her but her "girl-friends" have convinced her I'm bad for her. I just want to go up to her and say "I cant live without you". Because at the moment thats what it feels like.
Argh...it hurts so much. I just want to talk to her
. I remember once we talked all night 9pm-5am and then we missed school the next day and spoke* all day.I just want it back...I dont like being her worst enemy. It hurts so damn much.
Reply 13
2
Bedshaped
Exactly!
Did you have lots and lots in common with this person? I know I have sooo much in common with the girl I am talking about.
I want to talk to her but her "girl-friends" have convinced her I'm bad for her. I just want to go up to her and say "I cant live without you". Because at the moment thats what it feels like.
Argh...it hurts so much. I just want to talk to her. I remember once we talked all night 9pm-5am and then we missed school the next day and talk all day.
I just want it back...I dont like being her worst enemy. It hurts so damn much.
Did you have lots and lots in common with this person? I know I have sooo much in common with the girl I am talking about.
I want to talk to her but her "girl-friends" have convinced her I'm bad for her. I just want to go up to her and say "I cant live without you". Because at the moment thats what it feels like.
Argh...it hurts so much. I just want to talk to her
. I remember once we talked all night 9pm-5am and then we missed school the next day and talk all day.I just want it back...I dont like being her worst enemy. It hurts so damn much.
A fair bit in common, not everything but i don't think it really mattered. We made each other laugh and always had something to talk about. We were always honest and very down to earth with each other too, which is refreshing as not everyone is like that. Well, her friends have convinced your friends, my ex-friend has been convinced by her controlling complete psycho of a mother who everyone who has ever cared about her knows is really doing no good for her in any way shape or form. Im not sure i ever quite had the 'can't live without you feeling' although i know what you mean. When it first all kicked off i wasnt entirely sure how i would actually do life day to day because she was always a big part of it, especially at uni, she was the person i spent most time with and it left a huge gap. Luckily i have other amazing friends who have stood by me throughout all of it and since i havent been speaking to her, ive made better friends with people who i really should have spent more time with all along. I guess im a bit of a hypocrite really, im sad that shes gone, but so happy ive had the opportunity to spend more time with non-weird lovely people who i can honestly see myself being friends with in ten years time.
One thing i do find really hard still though, is that its quite clear she hates me. I don't hate her in the slightest, i even have problems mustering up a mild dislike because im such an oversensitive softie despite all of the crap and tears shes caused me. I don't care whether its her mothers hate that has just got through her finally, or whether its what her on her own feels, its just hard. I can't hate someone i used to care about that much. I don't think theres anyone else in this world who hates me (sure plenty probably have a mild dislike of me, but i dont care about them and never have done), so i find that quite difficult. How can i have stirred up so much hate in someone who i would have once done anything to protect from such a painful emotion.
Reply 14
vickyrkenya
A fair bit in common, not everything but i don't think it really mattered. We made each other laugh and always had something to talk about. We were always honest and very down to earth with each other too, which is refreshing as not everyone is like that. Well, her friends have convinced your friends, my ex-friend has been convinced by her controlling complete psycho of a mother who everyone who has ever cared about her knows is really doing no good for her in any way shape or form. Im not sure i ever quite had the 'can't live without you feeling' although i know what you mean. When it first all kicked off i wasnt entirely sure how i would actually do life day to day because she was always a big part of it, especially at uni, she was the person i spent most time with and it left a huge gap. Luckily i have other amazing friends who have stood by me throughout all of it and since i havent been speaking to her, ive made better friends with people who i really should have spent more time with all along. I guess im a bit of a hypocrite really, im sad that shes gone, but so happy ive had the opportunity to spend more time with non-weird lovely people who i can honestly see myself being friends with in ten years time.
One thing i do find really hard still though, is that its quite clear she hates me. I don't hate her in the slightest, i even have problems mustering up a mild dislike because im such an oversensitive softie despite all of the crap and tears shes caused me. I don't care whether its her mothers hate that has just got through her finally, or whether its what her on her own feels, its just hard. I can't hate someone i used to care about that much. I don't think theres anyone else in this world who hates me (sure plenty probably have a mild dislike of me, but i dont care about them and never have done), so i find that quite difficult. How can i have stirred up so much hate in someone who i would have once done anything to protect from such a painful emotion.
One thing i do find really hard still though, is that its quite clear she hates me. I don't hate her in the slightest, i even have problems mustering up a mild dislike because im such an oversensitive softie despite all of the crap and tears shes caused me. I don't care whether its her mothers hate that has just got through her finally, or whether its what her on her own feels, its just hard. I can't hate someone i used to care about that much. I don't think theres anyone else in this world who hates me (sure plenty probably have a mild dislike of me, but i dont care about them and never have done), so i find that quite difficult. How can i have stirred up so much hate in someone who i would have once done anything to protect from such a painful emotion.
dude...your problem is 100% exactly the same as mine.
Argh...I wish we could talk more but I really have to go.
I have friends who will stick by my side...but this girl was just something else. Anyways, I just discovered she made a pact with her friends never to speak to me again so the fact of the matter is I'm never going to get back to being her friend ever again.
Cya...maybe I'll pm u sometime for advice if you dont mind.
Reply 15
2
Bedshaped
dude...your problem is 100% exactly the same as mine.
Argh...I wish we could talk more but I really have to go.
I have friends who will stick by my side...but this girl was just something else. Anyways, I just discovered she made a pact with her friends never to speak to me again so the fact of the matter is I'm never going to get back to being her friend ever again.
Cya...maybe I'll pm u sometime for advice if you dont mind.
Argh...I wish we could talk more but I really have to go.
I have friends who will stick by my side...but this girl was just something else. Anyways, I just discovered she made a pact with her friends never to speak to me again so the fact of the matter is I'm never going to get back to being her friend ever again.
Cya...maybe I'll pm u sometime for advice if you dont mind.
Sounds like a mad situation. Feel free to PM anytime, would be nice to chat to someone who knows how it feels. Take care.
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