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boyfriends family don't acknowledge me? what to do?

Basically i could vent for hours about how my boyfriends family treat me...They don't acknowledge me but they acknowledge his sisters boyfriend and to be honest its really hurtful :frown:

we're both in our 20s and been going out for quite some time.. these are just a few examples of whats annoying me :frown:

his parents wouldn't give me the time of day, for example i overheard his mum call me "whats her name" on the phone..

the one time i stayed in his parents house(2 and a half hour drive away) i wasn't made overly welcome -which is fine, i don't like a fuss, but when I was leaving I thanked his mum for the invite she said "sorry i didnt get time to sit and talk to you..". The fact she said this was hurtful,because the more i thought about it, the more i realised she DID have time to speak to me but she just chose not to..

for christmas I sent the family flowers and chocolates..they didn't acknowledge them, but i overlooked this until i realised the sister's boyfriend was given a concert ticket to go along with my boyfriend and his 2 sisters from the parents for christmas which is sort of ironic because my boyfriend has said on several occasions that his parents don't like the sister's boyfriend..

His sisters don't acknowledge me either,when hes at mine they just ring him and expect him to do run errands for him.. not even acknowledging the fact that I have to drive him there and usually its 'you have to do it right this second' or a huge fight between them starts because my boyfriend is laid back and doesn't want to cause any trouble which means I just have to go along with it :frown:

another example would be when his sister is driving to their parents house, and my boyfriend is at my house..my house is on the way to the parents house..but the sister expects me to drive my boyfriend to meet her at HER house which is the complete opposite direction..

also there was a massive family dinner arranged, with boyfriends/girlfriends invited. this dinner was arranged by the sister..and i wasn't invited..

I don't really know what to do, I could literally right a book on things they've done/times they've not included me so these are a just few examples,I could write a lot worse..the worst part is that if i mention to my boyfriend I feel like it just comes across as im bitching about his family ? :frown: how do i approach it? ..
Original post by Anonymous
x


:console:

It sounds like you are dealing with a dysfunctional family, particularly the sisters.

You need more support from your boyfriend on this issue. He needs to stop being laid back, dropping whatever you two are doing and having you drive him over to different places - that's just not on. Obviously I don't know the family, but I am sure he could just say no for once and tell his sisters to jog on. It's completely unfair on you and I'd be upset if he's never talked you about this or apologised, or anything like that.

You should talk to him about that in particular, as well as discussing the idea that his family is not treating you with a basic level of respect, and you want it to work with his family but it just doesn't seem to be happening right now.

If it comes across as 'bitching', then he is not a very understanding person at all, because there are a lot of things going wrong here that shouldn't be swept under the carpet. And if that's the case, then it's up to you on how to proceed from there, but again I'd be very disappointed if he thinks you're in the wrong - because 100%, you are not.
Reply 2
Yeah like what was said before. This is defiantly something that appears to be happening on purpose. You need to sit down and talk to him and tell him how you feel about it and give him some of your examples as evidence. if he really does love you and wants to be with you then he shouldn't allow his parents or sisters to treat you this way. its not fair on you when you seem like a very pleasant person. don't blame yourself as its not you its them. he needs to stick up for you and show them that you are part of his life and you will be part of theirs. if he says you are bitching about his family then he isn't worth it just let him be that way. He has to know how you feel and that it is not fair. if he don't believe it then ask him what else it could be and give him the metaphorical example of your family doing it to him. its not your fault just talk to him and if that don't work ask them what's going on.
Reply 3
Original post by SeanFM
:console:

It sounds like you are dealing with a dysfunctional family, particularly the sisters.

You need more support from your boyfriend on this issue. He needs to stop being laid back, dropping whatever you two are doing and having you drive him over to different places - that's just not on. Obviously I don't know the family, but I am sure he could just say no for once and tell his sisters to jog on. It's completely unfair on you and I'd be upset if he's never talked you about this or apologised, or anything like that.

You should talk to him about that in particular, as well as discussing the idea that his family is not treating you with a basic level of respect, and you want it to work with his family but it just doesn't seem to be happening right now.

If it comes across as 'bitching', then he is not a very understanding person at all, because there are a lot of things going wrong here that shouldn't be swept under the carpet. And if that's the case, then it's up to you on how to proceed from there, but again I'd be very disappointed if he thinks you're in the wrong - because 100%, you are not.


dysfunctional is the perfect way to put it!

Its extremely hard to approach considering he doesn't really seem to think of it as a problem...I have recently tried to subtly say 'make up your mind for yourself,make up your own decisions and stick to them..'. for example he was annoyed that his sister started to plan a family holiday the same time me and him go on holiday..her response was 'well youre going on holiday so stop complaining.' I tried explaining to him that if it was the other way about she would have ALOT more to say about it..his reply was just 'well if thats the dates they can get off work..then they deserve a holiday' ...he's just too nice!

as well as that i don't really feel comfortable going staying at his parents house,which he wants to do for his birthday? I don't know how to say no without being rude.. the whole situation frustrates me so much because i dont understand why theyre treating me the way they do :frown:
Reply 4
Original post by KrazyK18
Yeah like what was said before. This is defiantly something that appears to be happening on purpose. You need to sit down and talk to him and tell him how you feel about it and give him some of your examples as evidence. if he really does love you and wants to be with you then he shouldn't allow his parents or sisters to treat you this way. its not fair on you when you seem like a very pleasant person. don't blame yourself as its not you its them. he needs to stick up for you and show them that you are part of his life and you will be part of theirs. if he says you are bitching about his family then he isn't worth it just let him be that way. He has to know how you feel and that it is not fair. if he don't believe it then ask him what else it could be and give him the metaphorical example of your family doing it to him. its not your fault just talk to him and if that don't work ask them what's going on.


what do you mean by on purpose? like theyre intentionally not including me? my thoughts were that maybe his mother is maybe talking to the sisters about me so theyre adopting the same attitude..

Thanks! to be honest i feel like i have tried really hard to be in the parents good books, I made a thread before and people replied saying "Well its your fault you were too generous by sending a christmas present" but i dont think thats fair :frown: especially if the sisters boyfriend gets acknowledged at christmas? i mean how difficult is it to send a text to say thanks ?:frown: side note.. theres been several situations where ive had to text his mother..but still to this day shes never saved my number..
Reply 5
Original post by Anonymous
what do you mean by on purpose? like theyre intentionally not including me? my thoughts were that maybe his mother is maybe talking to the sisters about me so theyre adopting the same attitude..

Thanks! to be honest i feel like i have tried really hard to be in the parents good books, I made a thread before and people replied saying "Well its your fault you were too generous by sending a christmas present" but i dont think thats fair :frown: especially if the sisters boyfriend gets acknowledged at christmas? i mean how difficult is it to send a text to say thanks ?:frown: side note.. theres been several situations where ive had to text his mother..but still to this day shes never saved my number..

Yeah by on purpose I did mean intentionally. but that's just my opinion don't take it as fact, but it is a possibility that the mother maybe has said something as so to save family fights they are purposely ignoring you.
Its definitely not your fault you have done everything anyone serious about their son/brother would do. they all need to do more to make you feel a part and or welcome in his family. she should of said thanks and there is some kind of intention behind it. why would she not save your number on accident. defiantly talk to him about this. Don't worry to much it's so not your fault trust me.
Original post by Anonymous
dysfunctional is the perfect way to put it!

Its extremely hard to approach considering he doesn't really seem to think of it as a problem...I have recently tried to subtly say 'make up your mind for yourself,make up your own decisions and stick to them..'. for example he was annoyed that his sister started to plan a family holiday the same time me and him go on holiday..her response was 'well youre going on holiday so stop complaining.' I tried explaining to him that if it was the other way about she would have ALOT more to say about it..his reply was just 'well if thats the dates they can get off work..then they deserve a holiday' ...he's just too nice!

as well as that i don't really feel comfortable going staying at his parents house,which he wants to do for his birthday? I don't know how to say no without being rude.. the whole situation frustrates me so much because i dont understand why theyre treating me the way they do :frown:


If he doesn't think of it as a problem, then you need to move on from subtleties and have a serious conversation with him. You should identify that there are a lot of problems, give him some examples and tell him how it makes you feel, and that you find it difficult as he doesn't seem to be getting how being treated like that feels.

Do this before his birthday, and see what goes on from there. If you really wanted to you could subtly persuade him to do something else for his birthday, or if you want to make a point of it say no and explain that they are making you feel really uncomfortable and he is not realising this. If he doesn't come around, which hopefully doesn't happen, give him a break, stop talking to him for a bit and maybe he'll realise.

I hate to say it, but in the long run it won't work if the situation with his family is going to be like this forever, but it has a chance if he's willing to help you and try to make things work. If he isn't willing after your best efforts, then he is not worth your time
(edited 8 years ago)
Reply 7
Could I possibly ask...Is your boyfriend's family in the same ethnicity/social class/religion etc. as you? It could be possible there is some kind of bias going on...


Posted from TSR Mobile
Reply 8
Original post by Peju
Could I possibly ask...Is your boyfriend's family in the same ethnicity/social class/religion etc. as you? It could be possible there is some kind of bias going on...


Posted from TSR Mobile


That can't be it no we're the same religion etc! :smile:
Reply 9
Original post by SeanFM
If he doesn't think of it as a problem, then you need to move on from subtleties and have a serious conversation with him. You should identify that there are a lot of problems, give him some examples and tell him how it makes you feel, and that you find it difficult as he doesn't seem to be getting how being treated like that feels.

Do this before his birthday, and see what goes on from there. If you really wanted to you could subtly persuade him to do something else for his birthday, or if you want to make a point of it say no and explain that they are making you feel really uncomfortable and he is not realising this. If he doesn't come around, which hopefully doesn't happen, give him a break, stop talking to him for a bit and maybe he'll realise.

I hate to say it, but in the long run it won't work if the situation with his family is going to be like this forever, but it has a chance if he's willing to help you and try to make things work. If he isn't willing after your best efforts, then he is not worth your time


im thinking the next time theres a situation when someone demands for him to "get up and go right this second" ill have to take a minute and make it discuss the options with me abit more. like today i had to leave him to his sisters for 5pm, this meant i had to sit in the rush hour traffic on the way back home, to find out she didnt arrive until 6.30..which meant my time was completely wasted..where the next time this would happen, i would suggest since she has a car now..she should pick him up when she actually is ready..

its such a hard situation because part of me wonders if im just imagining it? but i cant be for this length of time??
Original post by Anonymous
im thinking the next time theres a situation when someone demands for him to "get up and go right this second" ill have to take a minute and make it discuss the options with me abit more. like today i had to leave him to his sisters for 5pm, this meant i had to sit in the rush hour traffic on the way back home, to find out she didnt arrive until 6.30..which meant my time was completely wasted..where the next time this would happen, i would suggest since she has a car now..she should pick him up when she actually is ready..

its such a hard situation because part of me wonders if im just imagining it? but i cant be for this length of time??


I suppose you could wait until the situation arises, or have a proper sit down where you're both free so you can take some time to discuss it. You probably won't get enough said before he says 'look, I have to go, some other time' or something like that.

But the car thing is definitely interesting - if he has to go somewhere and your sister is involved, you could suggest that she picks him up, because you've done your fair share already. It probably wouldn't make your relations easier but it's a fair thing to do.

From what you've described I doubt it's all in your head, but I suppose the way to confirm it would be to speak to your boyfriend.
Original post by SeanFM
I suppose you could wait until the situation arises, or have a proper sit down where you're both free so you can take some time to discuss it. You probably won't get enough said before he says 'look, I have to go, some other time' or something like that.

But the car thing is definitely interesting - if he has to go somewhere and your sister is involved, you could suggest that she picks him up, because you've done your fair share already. It probably wouldn't make your relations easier but it's a fair thing to do.

From what you've described I doubt it's all in your head, but I suppose the way to confirm it would be to speak to your boyfriend.



interesting is definitely an interesting choice of word! lol my boyfriend doesnt drive so yeah i drive him if he needs to go somewhere, i pick him up etc in the past,i have left him to his sisters house because she didnt have a car. but recently she got a car, so i feel like things should change? many times my boyfriend has ordered things online when his sister has asked, and i said he could get them delivered to mine (with his work hours- he might not be there when it arrives) then ive even drove to hers so he could give it to her..i just get the impression now that she suits herself when to drive..on top of that,its not difficult to find my house,basically a straight road from hers...

but i feel like if i say anything my boyfriend will feel like im complaining about giving him lifts? :frown:
Original post by Anonymous
interesting is definitely an interesting choice of word! lol my boyfriend doesnt drive so yeah i drive him if he needs to go somewhere, i pick him up etc in the past,i have left him to his sisters house because she didnt have a car. but recently she got a car, so i feel like things should change? many times my boyfriend has ordered things online when his sister has asked, and i said he could get them delivered to mine (with his work hours- he might not be there when it arrives) then ive even drove to hers so he could give it to her..i just get the impression now that she suits herself when to drive..on top of that,its not difficult to find my house,basically a straight road from hers...

but i feel like if i say anything my boyfriend will feel like im complaining about giving him lifts? :frown:


It's not just about lifts though, again it boils down to you giving everything and them not giving back, including her making zero effort when it comes to picking him up, and leaving him to you.

Don't be scared about communicating with your boyfriend, they're supposed to be someone you can communicate with. If he says that you're just complaining about nothing, or giving him lifts, then again he is not seeing things from your perspective and it's not worth the trouble. I would suggest forgetting about your worries for now, organising to have a sit down with your boyfriend and try to sort things out.
Original post by Anonymous #1
Basically i could vent for hours about how my boyfriends family treat me...They don't acknowledge me but they acknowledge his sisters boyfriend and to be honest its really hurtful :frown:

we're both in our 20s and been going out for quite some time.. these are just a few examples of whats annoying me :frown:

his parents wouldn't give me the time of day, for example i overheard his mum call me

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