Did this girl treat my friend poorly?

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Anonymous #1
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Report Thread starter 5 years ago
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My friend has just told me the story of his last breakup, which still affects him to some extent. As such I want to ask for advice on what to tell him, so that I might help.

His ex and he were together for 6 months, breaking up in October due to university.

Apparently they were incredibly intense, a complete infatuation it seems - she talked about the strength of her feelings often, said that she wanted to spend her life with him, that they were soulmates and that she could see their lives, children, home etc. She also wrote these things in a diary according to a friend who has seen it so seemed to believe it to the case.

They decided to try and stay together at distance when both heading off to uni. Within 2 weeks, however, she had stopped texting him, despite having sent messages along the lines of "I need you in my life", "I miss your mind, body and soul" etc.

He was concerned so organised to visit, driving all the way from Exeter to London to see her. On the night he was travelling she cancelled, although didn't actually let him know - turns out she was in another guy's bed - she says nothing happened and he believes her, based upon tone of voice etc, but I personally think SOMETHING must have happened even if they didn't sleep together.

Her apology amounted to a single "I'm sorry", before sending another text to ask him to go to her house (they live in the same area) and pick up items from her parents, despite having done whatever with this guy the night before.

He then drove all that way to find her distracted and teary. She apparently spent a lot of the time avoiding conversation to text this other guy. He says it seems as though she was not thinking about how he felt at all, or about how to treat the breakup properly to show any measure of caring. They broke up that evening when they returned to her accommodation - she apparently got very teary and made him promise that they could leave the door open to reunion in the future, saying she wished she had met him at another time in her life. However, she got out of bed at one point to text this other guy/her new uni friends, even whilst he was still there.

Now I find myself wondering - as I understand it, relationships at distance quite often fall to pieces, particularly in an environment like uni. Now this girl has a history of promiscuity and cheated on her last bf when he went travelling for 3 months, when they had planned to be together, because she "feel out of love with him". She also engages in risky behaviour - drugs etc. She also sounds as though she was very immature, not emotionally rounded, or else she surely should have been able to empathise with him more? Should he still be sad about having lost this one? Or was she just an immature girl who got caught up in the first few weeks of uni and just fell out of lust with her bf? Then didn't know how to handle it - in terms of the breakup etc?

Would really appreciate your help! I adore this guy, secretly really like him.
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Anonymous #1
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Also, do you think it might just have been because she preferred this other guy? I'm attaching two pictures, tell me whether it was a looks preference or some such?

Second one is the bf (now ex)

http://imgur.com/Eq4QxfP
http://imgur.com/Oypk5Up
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diamondluck
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#3
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(Original post by Anonymous)
My friend has just told me the story of his last breakup, which still affects him to some extent. As such I want to ask for advice on what to tell him, so that I might help.

His ex and he were together for 6 months, breaking up in October due to university.

Apparently they were incredibly intense, a complete infatuation it seems - she talked about the strength of her feelings often, said that she wanted to spend her life with him, that they were soulmates and that she could see their lives, children, home etc. She also wrote these things in a diary according to a friend who has seen it so seemed to believe it to the case.

They decided to try and stay together at distance when both heading off to uni. Within 2 weeks, however, she had stopped texting him, despite having sent messages along the lines of "I need you in my life", "I miss your mind, body and soul" etc.

He was concerned so organised to visit, driving all the way from Exeter to London to see her. On the night he was travelling she cancelled, although didn't actually let him know - turns out she was in another guy's bed - she says nothing happened and he believes her, based upon tone of voice etc, but I personally think SOMETHING must have happened even if they didn't sleep together.

Her apology amounted to a single "I'm sorry", before sending another text to ask him to go to her house (they live in the same area) and pick up items from her parents, despite having done whatever with this guy the night before.

He then drove all that way to find her distracted and teary. She apparently spent a lot of the time avoiding conversation to text this other guy. He says it seems as though she was not thinking about how he felt at all, or about how to treat the breakup properly to show any measure of caring. They broke up that evening when they returned to her accommodation - she apparently got very teary and made him promise that they could leave the door open to reunion in the future, saying she wished she had met him at another time in her life. However, she got out of bed at one point to text this other guy/her new uni friends, even whilst he was still there.

Now I find myself wondering - as I understand it, relationships at distance quite often fall to pieces, particularly in an environment like uni. Now this girl has a history of promiscuity and cheated on her last bf when he went travelling for 3 months, when they had planned to be together, because she "feel out of love with him". She also engages in risky behaviour - drugs etc. She also sounds as though she was very immature, not emotionally rounded, or else she surely should have been able to empathise with him more? Should he still be sad about having lost this one? Or was she just an immature girl who got caught up in the first few weeks of uni and just fell out of lust with her bf? Then didn't know how to handle it - in terms of the breakup etc?

Would really appreciate your help! I adore this guy, secretly really like him.
from what you're saying, it sounds like this guy deserves better, he has a huge heart and doesnt deserve to be mistreated or cheated on (well nobody does, but you know what i mean)

i think he should realise what is going on and not be love blinded and see the reality - they just aren't meant for eachother i think. i mean, she is experimentive and he is determined and loyal. it's 2 different traits. that doesn't mean it won't work out - if their love really was meaningful then it could work.

but if she is without him whilst he is at uni for god knows how long, and she is in bed with someone else and isn't truthful with what happened - where is the trust in the relationship? if there's no trust then...where is love?

im sorry but i think he should move on before getting more and more hurt by this girl. maybe she will realise what a man she lost. or maybe she will change after uni when the whole experimental phase is over.

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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by diamondluck)
from what you're saying, it sounds like this guy deserves better, he has a huge heart and doesnt deserve to be mistreated or cheated on (well nobody does, but you know what i mean)

i think he should realise what is going on and not be love blinded and see the reality - they just aren't meant for eachother i think. i mean, she is experimentive and he is determined and loyal. it's 2 different traits. that doesn't mean it won't work out - if their love really was meaningful then it could work.

but if she is without him whilst he is at uni for god knows how long, and she is in bed with someone else and isn't truthful with what happened - where is the trust in the relationship? if there's no trust then...where is love?

im sorry but i think he should move on before getting more and more hurt by this girl. maybe she will realise what a man she lost. or maybe she will change after uni when the whole experimental phase is over.

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Thanks for your response.

You think something else happened with this guy?

Do you think it's just differing personalities? Or did she act badly? Is this selfish behaviour?

Would love to hear what anyone else has to say - I'm seeing him today.
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AvaAdore
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By friend do you really mean you? I sure hope so or this thread is super creepy and you're way too involved, especially posting pictures!
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diamondluck
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Thanks for your response.

You think something else happened with this guy?

Do you think it's just differing personalities? Or did she act badly? Is this selfish behaviour?

Would love to hear what anyone else has to say - I'm seeing him today.
i do think it was selfish behaviour and she shouldn't do that, but obviously that's just what she is like. It's a mixture of different personalities and everything. i think they should just be friends or maybe not even that cuz the guy might keep getting attached. let him focus on uni and meet new people

good luck

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miser
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I don't think there's anything much to say except that she sounds like a terrible girlfriend and it's a good thing they broke up. Your friend needs to move on.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by miser)
I don't think there's anything much to say except that she sounds like a terrible girlfriend and it's a good thing they broke up. Your friend needs to move on.
Thanks for your reply.

He alsways says that she was fine as a gf, whilst they were together. However, it seems whenever she emotionally disconnects from a long term bf, she cheats. Her ex went away, she stopped feeling the same way and she cheated. With my friend it's when they went to uni.

I suppose what I'm getting at is, is this just the behaviour of an immature girl who doesn't know how to deal with challenges/breakups, or does it reflect upon her as a person fundamentally?
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miser
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Thanks for your reply.

He alsways says that she was fine as a gf, whilst they were together. However, it seems whenever she emotionally disconnects from a long term bf, she cheats. Her ex went away, she stopped feeling the same way and she cheated. With my friend it's when they went to uni.

I suppose what I'm getting at is, is this just the behaviour of an immature girl who doesn't know how to deal with challenges/breakups, or does it reflect upon her as a person fundamentally?
I think it's potentially both. She seems immature because of the misalignment between what she expects others to be okay with and the effect her actions actually have. But when it comes down to it, her behaviour is a reflection of herself as a person, and although she may become more mature over time, she's unlikely to change in very significant ways if she's already 18.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by miser)
I think it's potentially both. She seems immature because of the misalignment between what she expects others to be okay with and the effect her actions actually have. But when it comes down to it, her behaviour is a reflection of herself as a person, and although she may become more mature over time, she's unlikely to change in very significant ways if she's already 18.
She's already 21...
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