The Student Room Group

Fear of intimacy

I worry that I will never get married because I can't see myself in a relationship. It is most probably because I had never really had one. I went out with a boy once but it was only for a bout a month and in that time we went met only about 4 times and we didn't kiss or anything, so really it doesn't count because nothing actually happened and we didn't connect or anything. Basically before him people always asked me out and I said no because none of them were what I was looking for and were all young and immature, but it was like I never even considered it, it was just an automatic answer to say no. But also, I don't think I was ready for a relationship anyway because I was only 14-15 and my idea of going out with someone is for a proper relationship, I didn't do doing the whole thing of going out with someone for a couple months or a year than go out with someone else like some people do is secondary school. I just thought it was silly and not me. So now basically I am waiting for the right guy to come along but I am worried that even when that person comes along, nothing will ever become of the realtionship because I don't like intimacy because I have never had any. I mean when I was 13-14 I most probably wouldn't have minded any intimacy, but now things are different. Funnily enough, now I'm older I am even more uncomfortable about it.
The fact that I am not really physically developed I think has a huge influence on how I feel. I am 17 and have the body of a 17 year old except my boobs, they are tiny, so I don't feel like a real woman. I mean I do, most of the times I feel strongly feminine but then when I think about intimacy, I feel inadequate. And also, I have always wanted to protect myself from getting hurt which is why I have been determined not to go out with anyone until I meet someone that I know I REALLY like and want to have a relationship with but now I don't know if I will be able to let myself love someone or if I will let someone love me. I mean I think I am scared that they will break my heart.
Because my mum has always said that men are this and men are that and because my parents split up, I have never really trusted men. In fact, when I was in secondary school I really hated all the boys but only since I hae turned 16 I have realised that she was only joking and I was taking her too seriously and that there are nice guys out there, but everything is mental with me and I can't imagine anything physical. I'm kinda scared. To be specific, I think it is because I feel physically inadequate as I said before. I am not frigid, I do feel things for guys, I am attracted to them and want something to happen but I don't feel adequate. And when I am physically adequate, I will most probably be at the age that I will be getting married and by then I will be scared and nervous because I have never been intimate with anyone and then the guy might end up leaving me. Or I might not even let him in and keep pushing him away because it's what I have always done and I don't know how to not do that so I just don't know what to do, think or feel.
Someone please help me:frown:

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Reply 1
Breathe, girl, breathe!!

You're not physically inadequate, you're probably lovely. And don't worry about never having been out with someone, or having kissed anyone, or anything. Just relax when you do meet someone and all will be fine.

Don't try to imagine anything physical, you'll only scare yourself more. When you do meet someone you want to get intimate with, just take things slowly, one step at a time, and all will be fine.

EDIT: I have a small chest, so really, don't fret about it, there are some men who prefer girls with a smaller chest. A handful is better than a bucket, apparently! :smile:
Louenn
Breathe, girl, breathe!!

You're not physically inadequate, you're probably lovely. And don't worry about never having been out with someone, or having kissed anyone, or anything. Just relax when you do meet someone and all will be fine.

Don't try to imagine anything physical, you'll only scare yourself more. When you do meet someone you want to get intimate with, just take things slowly, one step at a time, and all will be fine.



Remind me to rep you :]]
Agreed to all of that, the more you stress about it the more likely it is that it'll be an issue. Just relax, be yourself, and it'll happen.
I know tons of people who are 17, 18, and they've never been in a 'proper' relationship. And they're all ultra-lovely.

My cousin was like that, it's just her, her mum, and her sister at home, and whilst her younger sister is fine - really unaffected by it - her parents went through a tricky divorce and she was really funny around guys. Since she started taking a GCSE option with only boys in her class, she realised she had to start being friends with them, and has now got a crush and writes her name next to another boys. Oh, and she's nearly six-foot, 'lanky' by some standards and has a completely flat chest. And she's alreayd had to turn a guy down :p:

Start by getting some guy friends, then you'll realise that the 'nice guys' you know are out there are more plentiful than you thought :smile:
Reply 3
What they said. It'll all be ok eventually. A little while ago my friend (17) got his first girlfriend (who had never been out with any guys) and they're shagging now, so its never too late to start really. They both had a little bit trusting problems at the start but its fine now.
Reply 4
I can identify myself in most of the things you say.

All I have to say is... have faith!

People like us, who are not into one-night stand, meaningless relationships... to be fair, we are one of a kind. Stand firm with what you believe in. Just have faith, and the one might turn up on your doorstep when you least expect!
Reply 5
ok, thanks for the advice people.
Reply 6
iz_a_bell
I can identify myself in most of the things you say.

All I have to say is... have faith!

People like us, who are not into one-night stand, meaningless relationships... to be fair, we are one of a kind. Stand firm with what you believe in. Just have faith, and the one might turn up on your doorstep when you least expect!

I'll try. So far I have been waiting very patiently but at the same time I wonder if I am doing the wrong thing in waiting and saying no to everyone else in the mean time because I'm worried that when 'the one' comes along my lack of intimacy and experience will ruin everything. By that I don't mean that I wish I had had sex because I don't, for that I will definitely wait for the right person, I mean because I have never really got close to a guy and because I am not completely comfortable with my own body around guys I won't want them to touch me and it's also because I still don't trust me. Yeah, I have realised it is still a trust issue. I don't want them to hurt me.
Reply 7
Look, you've just never met someone you liked. You will sometime.
Reply 8
And while I am going through this, what's making it worse is that my close friends are going out with people and I feel even more inadequate because all I can do is listen when they talk to me about it. I can't even relate (also I dont like the people they are going out with). And I think to myself that I am even more inadequate because I could never satisfy anyone because my body is not womanly enough. It all sucks. I always felt like that since about year 9 but I thought, 'you are not ready for a relationship so the fact that your boobs are too small doesn't matter now'. And I have waited 4 years and there has been no change and my insecurities have increased. Now Im going to uni, things will be even worse.
Reply 9
Zoecb
Look, you've just never met someone you liked. You will sometime.

Hope I don't chase them away though.
Reply 10
I am the same - and I am 18. There is nothing to worry about. Give yourself some time - boobs will grow and the special one will appear one day too.
I hear so many stories from my guy friends about how they screw their past girlfriends over. And it's not pretty I tell you.

I think I tend to be more reserve because I'm afraid of getting my heart broken because I can get really obsessive about it.

What I'm saying is, you don't need to get into a relationship as soon as you meet a guy you have a fling on. Just go through the friend zone first, hopefully, that will build up your trust towards guys in general. And, if you start growing feelings towards them, you won't be as self-concious or have the trust issue floating around.
I'm 18, nearly 19 now, and when i was 17 iwas in exactly the same situation you are now- in fact when i read your post i thought i was reading something the 17 year old me would've written! Have no fear, your time will come! I think becoming friends with guys is the best way to go, i went to an all girls school, and as soon as i started mixing with guys i felt so much better around them, I have a boyfriend now and we were good friends before we got together, If a guy genuinely likes you/ loves you he won't mind what size your boobs are, you can still be beautiful even if you have no boobs. I had my first kiss a few weeks before my 18th and i'm a totally different girl now, we've been together for 8 months now- and its working, even though we're both at different uni's! So just be patient, your time will come, and when it does it'll feel great! :smile:
Im 20 year old girl and reading what u said sounds so similar to me. I have had never had a relationship too because im scared of intimacy too. I have many issues around my body so find it difficult to be comfatable around boys. Im gonna go for counselling to help me for this but in my head i know i will find someone so try not feel so much pressure. Even tho i know how it feels when all your friends are chatting about it. My friends sometimes talk about sex in detail and im like sat there i have no idea what there talking about and sit there quietly hoping the conversations ends soon lol
it sounds like its partly fear of the unknown for you - dont worry about it, it will come.

And if you ask any girls whether they feel adequate or not, there'll be a lot of people with you, feeling inadequate for whatever reasons.

and if a guy truly likes you, boobs will be the last thing on his mind!
Just because you're flat chested doesnt mean you're not a woman!

I'm nearly 20 and used to stress when i was 16 thinking i couldnt have a guy touch me because i was flat chested but once you get yourself into a relationship everything comes naturally and you just done do anything you're not comfortable with.
Reply 16
Oh dear, oh dear... why is it people always think people wont be loved because of how they percieve their own 'inadequencies'? Look, 17 is still very young and talking from experience most lads tend to be very immature at that age, the ones you think are mature are more than likely the arrogant 'popular' *******s who are the ones you need to avoid. The whole issue of which gender is more mature completely flips on its head when you hit your 20s; most blokes are more mature and women are well, grown up little girls.

Anyway, returning from my tangent - you're fine. Stop worrying about your appearence because when you do find someone you want to be with, those worries will disappear. If you do meet a nice guy, he'll want to be with you for a reason, and more often than not he wont percieve your body the same way you do. Beauty as they say is in the eyes of the beholder.

You're also wise to not believe everything your mother tells you, as there are indeed nice men out there, it's just a shame women seem to be completely unable to find them as they're too busy dating the *******s as aforementioned. Most of the people that I know and are what I would describe as the 'nice blokes' are only finally establishing relationships in their early 20s.

Your fears and worries sound like typical teenage ones. Just relax, learn to appreciate yourself and be more confident. Your main problem here isn't your body, it's your self-esteem. Confidence is attractive, percieved inadequencies are not.

EDIT:

Also, stop thinking about marriage. You're very unlikely to meet someone you want to marry straight away. Enjoy your future relationships for what they are and stop trying to plan 10 years in advance :smile:
Reply 17
Funnily enough quite recently I posted a message to a boy that was worried that he would never get a girlfriend that confidence is attractive etc. I am confident with everything generally, I never worry what people think about me, only that. And I have met someone INCREDIBLY nice but the thing is I don't like him. He is quite forward, assertive and tends to not think about the feelings of other people which is why I don't like him. No-one in my college really likes him because of it and that fact makes me dislike him even more because my ideal guy would not make others feel uncomfortable, he would make people feel at ease and will be liked (not overly popular but at least approachable, amiable-thats more to the point). He has the idea that we will stay in contact and tht after uni we will get together and be together for ever but honestly, I don't like him that much. He is obsessive and that puts me off too. If he suggested it once that would be okay, but he gets an idea into his head and convinces himself that it is going to happen. He is infatuated (I am his first crush). I feel kind of bad because he GENUINELY wants to be with me and take care of me, but his forwardness REALLY puts me off. Is it possible that he could be the one and that I should try to like him more? He reckons that he would change anything for me, but then again, I think it is infatuation and I have always had the opinion that you shouldn't want to change someone, instead find someone else. In another situation I can excuse something else but not in his, he is unbearable.
Am I right in keep the relationship as a friendship and nothing more? Am I right in saying that he is infatuated and that a relationship cannot be based on his infatuation and my tolerance?
Reply 18
Okay, thanks for the advice that everyone has given me so far.
Anonymous
Funnily enough quite recently I posted a message to a boy that was worried that he would never get a girlfriend that confidence is attractive etc. I am confident with everything generally, I never worry what people think about me, only that. And I have met someone INCREDIBLY nice but the thing is I don't like him. He is quite forward, assertive and tends to not think about the feelings of other people which is why I don't like him. No-one in my college really likes him because of it and that fact makes me dislike him even more because my ideal guy would not make others feel uncomfortable, he would make people feel at ease and will be liked (not overly popular but at least approachable, amiable-thats more to the point). He has the idea that we will stay in contact and tht after uni we will get together and be together for ever but honestly, I don't like him that much. He is obsessive and that puts me off too. If he suggested it once that would be okay, but he gets an idea into his head and convinces himself that it is going to happen. He is infatuated (I am his first crush). I feel kind of bad because he GENUINELY wants to be with me and take care of me, but his forwardness REALLY puts me off. Is it possible that he could be the one and that I should try to like him more? He reckons that he would change anything for me, but then again, I think it is infatuation and I have always had the opinion that you shouldn't want to change someone, instead find someone else. In another situation I can excuse something else but not in his, he is unbearable.
Am I right in keep the relationship as a friendship and nothing more? Am I right in saying that he is infatuated and that a relationship cannot be based on his infatuation and my tolerance?


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