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Academic competition within a relationship?
Do you ever feel like it's putting an unnecessary strain on your relationship? I feel it's safe to say my boyfriend and I are at the same level (overall) intellectually, but I tend to put more time and effort into my coursework, thus achieving higher marks. Even though he won't admit it, I can tell it makes him angry - he must see it as some form of "demasculinisation", if you will. What am I supposed to do, arse about and drag my work out to get lower marks?! 
Certainly not. Naturally, I would like those around me to be happy for me and/or proud of me, because I'm that way towards my friends and my boyfriend. However, I'm not feeling any support on his end - is this jealousy? Any advice?
Certainly not. Naturally, I would like those around me to be happy for me and/or proud of me, because I'm that way towards my friends and my boyfriend. However, I'm not feeling any support on his end - is this jealousy? Any advice?
There's a certain level of academic competition between me and my girlfriend, due to us both being very academically able and both of us having offers for the same course at the same first choice university. She always works harder than I do, and correspondingly outperforms me in virtually every test. Since I know that my doing worse than she does is entirely my fault for not working hard enough, rather than being jealous it just makes me feel lazy. If anything the overall effect on me is positive because I'm more motivated to work if there's someone I know who's better than me (because, frankly, beating everyone other than my girlfriend academically is usually pretty easy), and I'm not jealous because I'm happy for her sucess.
Yoda
Point and laugh at him. I'd deserve it if anyone was clevererer than me, but fortunatly that isnt possible.
but what does that actually prove.
My boyfriend and I seem to be getting pretty similar marks in everything, though in different subjects, and I think we'd just be impressed if one of us managed to get a really high mark. I have challenged him to beat me in a subsid I took last year that he's taking this year though!
He'll get over it. I'd have a word with him casually about it, maybe, and sort it out. His jealousy could damage the relationship. And it's his own stupid fault for getting lower marks than you - and other times people just have to admit that maybe they're simply not as smart as they think they are. He should simply be realistic about himself and get over it.
My bf and I are probably the same - I always think he's cleverer than me, but then he keeps telling me how smart I am lol. I don't really work so I've never had a first. My bf has achieved Firsts in his coursework essays but he's worked so hard for it (a 3-page-long bibliography - all books!) and he totally deserves it. So what's there to be jealous of? He worked for it, so he deserves it. And I know I can get as good a mark if only I worked - I just don't
so it's my own stupid fault, isn't it? 
My bf and I are probably the same - I always think he's cleverer than me, but then he keeps telling me how smart I am lol. I don't really work so I've never had a first. My bf has achieved Firsts in his coursework essays but he's worked so hard for it (a 3-page-long bibliography - all books!) and he totally deserves it. So what's there to be jealous of? He worked for it, so he deserves it. And I know I can get as good a mark if only I worked - I just don't
so it's my own stupid fault, isn't it? 
I don't really have a problem in this area, because my bf seems academically able at pretty much everything. I always joke with him that I did better in Art GCSE than him...that's because he didn't take it. 
But yeah, I don't really work as much as him, I'm more proud of him than jealous tbh, and I'm happy with my grades, they'll do me ok in the long run, so yeah. I'd say a little competition can be good, but make sure he knows that you are proud of him too - it might be that he feels intimidated by your academic prowess or something...*shrugs*
But yeah, I don't really work as much as him, I'm more proud of him than jealous tbh, and I'm happy with my grades, they'll do me ok in the long run, so yeah. I'd say a little competition can be good, but make sure he knows that you are proud of him too - it might be that he feels intimidated by your academic prowess or something...*shrugs*
^ LOL Your grades are fine, if they're bad, then I must be completely stupid...
Didn't say mine were bad, just that his are better!
He got 9 A*s, 4 As at GCSE. Then for A Level he got 5 As and an AEA merit for Physics. It's more his module results that I find pretty impressive, the amount of modules he got full marks in always amazes me - but that's just him, he works hard and does well. -> proud gf!
He got 9 A*s, 4 As at GCSE. Then for A Level he got 5 As and an AEA merit for Physics. It's more his module results that I find pretty impressive, the amount of modules he got full marks in always amazes me - but that's just him, he works hard and does well. -> proud gf!
Anonymous
Do you ever feel like it's putting an unnecessary strain on your relationship? I feel it's safe to say my boyfriend and I are at the same level (overall) intellectually, but I tend to put more time and effort into my coursework, thus achieving higher marks. Even though he won't admit it, I can tell it makes him angry - he must see it as some form of "demasculinisation", if you will. What am I supposed to do, arse about and drag my work out to get lower marks?! Certainly not. Naturally, I would like those around me to be happy for me and/or proud of me, because I'm that way towards my friends and my boyfriend. However, I'm not feeling any support on his end - is this jealousy? Any advice?
Certainly not. Naturally, I would like those around me to be happy for me and/or proud of me, because I'm that way towards my friends and my boyfriend. However, I'm not feeling any support on his end - is this jealousy? Any advice?heh great question for sociology....girls do better at coursework anyway because apparently they take the time to put more effort into coursework than lads as girls give 'prefect performances' blah blah blah....
I think personally you shouldn't push your views onto your boyfriend and if you are both as intellectually minded as one another then why should it matter. I think the no support is because you complain so much to him that he's feeling inferior therefore he wouldn't need to support you as he knows you are capable of doing the work yourself.
You and your boyfriend need to stop competing or something you'll regret will be said or will happen...
This became something of a problem with the guy I was seeing during my A Levels. We both needed 3 As, and were studying two of the same subjects, and one of the same AEAs. We're both competitive people, and it did put something of a strain on things for a while. (I did better, in the end. )
Make some time to spend together, and make sure he knows that you don't think any less of him just because you're doing better than him academically. Obviously don't state this outright, but make sure that he knows how you feel.
)Make some time to spend together, and make sure he knows that you don't think any less of him just because you're doing better than him academically. Obviously don't state this outright, but make sure that he knows how you feel.
If you're obviously putting more work in then it's fine that you're achieving higher marks. If he was that bothered about it, he'd put more effort into things surely?
I guess I'm lucky as my boyfriend and I are doing different courses and are in different years at different places (1st year Psych at OU vs final year Biomedical Science at KCL). We're both intelligent, young people with bright futures. I wouldn't say there's any academic competition between us at the moment
I guess I'm lucky as my boyfriend and I are doing different courses and are in different years at different places (1st year Psych at OU vs final year Biomedical Science at KCL). We're both intelligent, young people with bright futures. I wouldn't say there's any academic competition between us at the moment
Tell him that if he wants to be "remasculinised" he should put some decent time and effort into his work.
If he arses about and then gets annoyed when you do better, he needs to get a grip. And if you are genuinely performing at a higher level, irrespective of the time and effort he puts in, he needs to come to terms with that.
I don't think there is much you can, or should do, apart from talk to him about it.
EDIT - My ex and I were completly different academicaly. He dropped out after his GCSEs and spent the next few years arsing about, getting into debt and changing jobs with the seasons. I was doing well in my A Levels and aiming for Oxbridge. In the end, our differences in intelligence destroyed the relationship. I wanted to discuss astronomy and Shakespere, he wanted to talk air-rifles, Eastenders and "cruising" with the lads. I wanted to sit and read, he wanted to smoke a joint and go play football. Needless to say, it was destined to fail.
My current man is a much, MUCH better match. He is intelligent, although he denies it, and we got the same grades at A Level, and are going to the same university in the Autumn. We are even studying fairly similar subjects, that require similar thinking skills and essay ability. He also puts me to shame, as he actualy worked hard for his grades. I just arsed about. I think we complement eachother very well.
If he arses about and then gets annoyed when you do better, he needs to get a grip. And if you are genuinely performing at a higher level, irrespective of the time and effort he puts in, he needs to come to terms with that.
I don't think there is much you can, or should do, apart from talk to him about it.
EDIT - My ex and I were completly different academicaly. He dropped out after his GCSEs and spent the next few years arsing about, getting into debt and changing jobs with the seasons. I was doing well in my A Levels and aiming for Oxbridge. In the end, our differences in intelligence destroyed the relationship. I wanted to discuss astronomy and Shakespere, he wanted to talk air-rifles, Eastenders and "cruising" with the lads. I wanted to sit and read, he wanted to smoke a joint and go play football. Needless to say, it was destined to fail.
My current man is a much, MUCH better match. He is intelligent, although he denies it
, and we got the same grades at A Level, and are going to the same university in the Autumn. We are even studying fairly similar subjects, that require similar thinking skills and essay ability. He also puts me to shame, as he actualy worked hard for his grades. I just arsed about. I think we complement eachother very well.
Related discussions
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- How can I increase my chances of getting a postgraduate scholarship?
- What can you use in your personal statement?
- Dclinpsych
- Oxbridge 2026?!
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