The Student Room Group

The end of the road

My boyfriend and I split up last night.

It was a mutual decision; it was the best thing for both of us; we both knew it was on the cards. But I still feel utterly devastated. We both still love each other so much and ended it with hugging and crying together, but it just wasn't working.

I just don't know what to do with myself now. My brain is a fog, I can't focus, I can't get rid of this horrible pain.

I know nothing any of you can say will take the pain away, but it would be nice to hear how other people have got through the darkest bit of a break up. I can't stop crying and feeling pangs of agony at all the happy memories that keep popping into my mind.

I am so devastated.

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Reply 1
:hugs:
I've never been through a break-up with someone that meant that much to me, but last time my friend went through that, we spent a few nights keeping her company, baking goodies and watching films under cozy blankets (no love movies though, you don't need anything to remind you of relationships!)

You could go out with just the girls and immerse yourself in non-relationship things.

You could go shopping.

Anything you enjoy that doesn't involve boys or couples.
Treat yourself a bit, and try to keep a good friend around so you don't feel so lonely.
for the best as was a no win situation all the bset to you.
Reply 3
Get hammered.
hey, i went thru a really bad break up end of last year. i spose i'm still going thru it cos we're not over each other yet.

basically we brke up too while we still loved each other, and i think we stll do. because it wasn't to do with any1 falling out of love or any fight or any cheating, it makes everything worse and harder to get over.

the things i learnt from this break up, and the advice i wish i listend to were:

1) don't talk to him. we spke to each other every day for months (he was in another country). u don't move on or start to move on until he's not part of ure life. for the timoe being anyway. u need ure own life back before u can think about being friends again.

2) u have to accept it is over. it messes with ure head when u know that the break up was for the best and blah blha. but then next thought is, oh maybe there is a chance of getting back together. but in order to get ure life back to normal and feelingo happy again, u need to forget about any belief that u wil get back together.

3) when ure feeling down and miss him, and get really bad twinges of sadness, think of all the reasons why u broke up. honestly if u got back together, al the reasons of why u broke up will come back.

4) think abot the this as getting closer to the person u are spose to be with. u've learnt a lot from this relationship, and u now know more about who u want in your perfect guy.

i hope i've helped u...i know it's the worst feeling in the world, and i woldn't wish it on any1. somedays are better than others, but u gotta beieve it was all for the best before u can really move on.

xxxxx
Reply 5
fairycakes
hey, i went thru a really bad break up end of last year. i spose i'm still going thru it cos we're not over each other yet.

basically we brke up too while we still loved each other, and i think we stll do. because it wasn't to do with any1 falling out of love or any fight or any cheating, it makes everything worse and harder to get over.

the things i learnt from this break up, and the advice i wish i listend to were:

1) don't talk to him. we spke to each other every day for months (he was in another country). u don't move on or start to move on until he's not part of ure life. for the timoe being anyway. u need ure own life back before u can think about being friends again.

2) u have to accept it is over. it messes with ure head when u know that the break up was for the best and blah blha. but then next thought is, oh maybe there is a chance of getting back together. but in order to get ure life back to normal and feelingo happy again, u need to forget about any belief that u wil get back together.

3) when ure feeling down and miss him, and get really bad twinges of sadness, think of all the reasons why u broke up. honestly if u got back together, al the reasons of why u broke up will come back.

4) think abot the this as getting closer to the person u are spose to be with. u've learnt a lot from this relationship, and u now know more about who u want in your perfect guy.

i hope i've helped u...i know it's the worst feeling in the world, and i woldn't wish it on any1. somedays are better than others, but u gotta beieve it was all for the best before u can really move on.

xxxxx


That's very good advice, rep coming your way.
fairycakes
hey, i went thru a really bad break up end of last year. i spose i'm still going thru it cos we're not over each other yet.

basically we brke up too while we still loved each other, and i think we stll do. because it wasn't to do with any1 falling out of love or any fight or any cheating, it makes everything worse and harder to get over.

the things i learnt from this break up, and the advice i wish i listend to were:

1) don't talk to him. we spke to each other every day for months (he was in another country). u don't move on or start to move on until he's not part of ure life. for the timoe being anyway. u need ure own life back before u can think about being friends again.

2) u have to accept it is over. it messes with ure head when u know that the break up was for the best and blah blha. but then next thought is, oh maybe there is a chance of getting back together. but in order to get ure life back to normal and feelingo happy again, u need to forget about any belief that u wil get back together.

3) when ure feeling down and miss him, and get really bad twinges of sadness, think of all the reasons why u broke up. honestly if u got back together, al the reasons of why u broke up will come back.

4) think abot the this as getting closer to the person u are spose to be with. u've learnt a lot from this relationship, and u now know more about who u want in your perfect guy.

i hope i've helped u...i know it's the worst feeling in the world, and i woldn't wish it on any1. somedays are better than others, but u gotta beieve it was all for the best before u can really move on.

xxxxx



Ditto to the rep comment above, great advice :smile:
Hugs for the OP :hugs:
Reply 7
fairycakes
4) think abot the this as getting closer to the person u are spose to be with. u've learnt a lot from this relationship, and u now know more about who u want in your perfect guy.


Thats obvious. Anyone care to describe me? Selfish, arrogant, obnoxious. You can take it from there.
Reply 8
I came out of a long term relationship just before christmas (just before our anniversary too), because of distance. She was brutal though, the day after i went and visited her (took her to her first ever gig - Muse in fact) she called me up and broke up with me. If i didn't live on the ground floor the window would have looked mightily appealing at that point. It's the hardest thing in the world, but just take it a minute at a time. Time is the only healer - its horrible but it's true. Eventually you'll start taking things hour by hour, then day by day. I'm up to between week and fortnight now, but I'm by no means over her. She totally crushed me, and now the worst part for me is my total lack of self respect and esteem, and confidence. Give it a while, then start getting into a routine - go out with your friends. Take your mind off it.

I find that you never really get over someone you truly love, but you can learn to move on and live without them, and just remember the good times as fond memories.
Reply 9
Don't hold it all in aswell talk to someone when you feel you need to.
Reply 10
One day at a time. Of course, my first day started with a full one of these. I would not recommend that. But seriously, each day will get easier than the one before it.
I just split with my boyfriend a couple of nights ago too. We also ended hugging and crying, we've decided to go slowly but both want to be best friends once we're over each other. We both knew we're not really compatible as a couple but it still hurts like hell that i can't touch, hug, kiss him anymore :frown:

There's also multiple girls on the scene who fancy him and have swooped in just as i've broken up with him but he promised he won't see anyone else until i'm feeling happy and secure. Although that's a really nice gesture and i desperately want to agree to it, i can't because i don't think anyone should make those promises.

Since we broke up i've tried to distract myself with friends, shopping, revising but it still hits you in waves of sadness when you're completely not expecting it. I've felt numb, angry and very very very sad... But every morning it seems to have got just a fraction better. Every time you wake up it's an achievement because you've survived another day and it makes you a stronger person.

You have to remember the right person is out there and by leaving behind this person you will open yourself up to finding your true love.
fairycakes
hey, i went thru a really bad break up end of last year. i spose i'm still going thru it cos we're not over each other yet.

basically we brke up too while we still loved each other, and i think we stll do. because it wasn't to do with any1 falling out of love or any fight or any cheating, it makes everything worse and harder to get over.

the things i learnt from this break up, and the advice i wish i listend to were:

1) don't talk to him. we spke to each other every day for months (he was in another country). u don't move on or start to move on until he's not part of ure life. for the timoe being anyway. u need ure own life back before u can think about being friends again.

2) u have to accept it is over. it messes with ure head when u know that the break up was for the best and blah blha. but then next thought is, oh maybe there is a chance of getting back together. but in order to get ure life back to normal and feelingo happy again, u need to forget about any belief that u wil get back together.

3) when ure feeling down and miss him, and get really bad twinges of sadness, think of all the reasons why u broke up. honestly if u got back together, al the reasons of why u broke up will come back.

4) think abot the this as getting closer to the person u are spose to be with. u've learnt a lot from this relationship, and u now know more about who u want in your perfect guy.

i hope i've helped u...i know it's the worst feeling in the world, and i woldn't wish it on any1. somedays are better than others, but u gotta beieve it was all for the best before u can really move on.

xxxxx


most sensible well implide advice.
Reply 13
Thank you so much, everyone, for the really thoughtful replies and advice. It means a lot. Fairycakes, your reply in particular has helped give me a few things to think about.

I just wish I could go to sleep and wake up in about a month when it hurts a bit less. I can't get rid of that awful feeling in the pit of my stomach.
Yoda
Get hammered.



Are you kidding? That does not help in the slightest she will probably be in tears all night and feel well down! Alcohol does absolutely nothing to drown emotional pain!
Reply 15
You will need to forget about him..and if he pops into yourmind..think about the reasons why you broke up..maybe punish yourself by putting all your loose change or something into a piggy bank..not only will you save but you will associating him with no money...oh time is the best healer


thats a pretty bad suggestion now i've reread it but whatever
Aw I went through the same thing a couple of months ago in November. I still miss him and love him to this day, but we made things worse for each other by staying in contact and being friends. That way all the feelings I had for him kept rushing back every time I spoke or saw him. Don't do that to yourself. You need time to get over him. Try to resist any urge to contact him, and only start being friends once you're both trully over each other. It'll only make it harder if you do. All the best to you :smile:
Reply 17
When I broke up with my boyfriend, it was at a time when we were both arguing constantly... we were both so in love that I don't know how and where things went wrong.

He decided he wanted a break from me, coz things were getting too much and it was affecting everything else like college work.

We somehow didn't keep in touch much...(he thought I wouldn't wanna hear from him, and I thought it was the other way round) and I'd only get a text from him once every 6-8 weeks....

I felt the worst I have ever done and nothing anyone said meant a thing to me. I couldn't get over him (we'd been together for a year), and would try and keep myself busy doing other things... for some reason socialising with the girls and what not only got me down more, so I gave myself goals... such as focusing heavily on my education, pleasing my family and making them happy (since I felt guilty of devoting so much time to someone like him who didn't seem to care much, and had somewhat neglected my family in the process)...

I started being ok throughout the day, but the minute I got into bed, I would lie in bed crying for atleast an hour every single night, and would cry myself to sleep coz I missed him. Not keeping in touch always made me wonder what he might be doing, if he's happy without me, if he's found someone else... and all the "what if's" used to really bug me. However, thinking back... I would have probably felt worse if I had kept in touch with him, knowing he didn't wanna be with me.

All this went on for a year and a half before we ended up together again, and we have now been together for 2 years, and I'm the happiest I've ever ever been... not so much because I'm back with him... but also coz I'm a new person. The time we had apart gave me time to think about me, and think about how I'm making a difference in the lives of the people closest to me... I learnt to love me and respect me (not in a vain way or anything)...It gave me time to value myself and make myself a better and stronger person...Being back in this relationship, we're both different people, and happier together.... coz we grew as individuals. I'm sure even if we had gone into different relationship - that would be the same... we would be in a better position to be in a relationship and handle it, knowing what things went wrong in previous relationships.

This post probably isn't much use to you... and I'm not saying you'll end up together again (I don't know your situation and what you both actually want from this)...but, try and look at it in a positive light. Be there for the people you couldn't be there for 100% coz you were in a relationship. Be there for you, and use it as an opportunity to learn about you. Each person in this world has so much to give, and I don't want you to waste it all away by crying over someone...try and be the reason for someone else to smile. Whatever happens, happens for the best... so use it to your advantage.

I realy don't know what to say...having been there myself, I can totally understand how no advice will change anything... but thought I would share my little story, and how I tried to get over it all... I hope it makes you feel atleast a little better.
Reply 18
The same kind of thing happened to as it did to Nisherz187, me and my boyfriend broke up this time last year because of distance mainly and i was heartbroken. I told him i couldn't talk to him when i still had strong feelings for him which he didn't seem to understand.

I stopped all contact with him, deleted him from my phone, email, msn anywhere he was and put stuff away which reminded me of him. This did actually help me so maybe it would be a good idea for you. Basically scrolling through my phonebook and seeing his name would make me break down again and again so i decided it would be best that i delete him from my life so to speak.

Anyway i cried and cried, i couldn't seem to see that i would be ok. I had exams at this time and instead of throwing myself into revision and work i moped around which was not a good idea as i ended up re-sitting them all at the end of the year. Throwing yourself into your studies is a good way to forget the pain you're going through, try doing some work for a couple of hours and then if you feel the need have a cry.

I'd say spend time with your friends but when i tried having a 'girls only' night out with them soon afterwards they all decided inviting their boyfriends would be a good idea so i cancelled on them, i don't think any of them knew what i was going through as none of my friends have really had a serious break-up before. Though if you have friends who have they will understand and will do the best they can to distract you, shopping is always a good one :wink:


Anyway my boyfriend would text me intermittedly every few weeks and at first i kept saying to leave me alone because i was still trying to get myself through all of this, he would stop and would text again a few weeks later always saying he missed talking to me and knowing me. In the end he texted me on my 18th birthday saying he was sorry things had turned out this way and he missed me. I replied and we ended up talking again and finally got back together last june. We've been together for near another 8 months now and things are better.

Again i'm not trying to say that you two will get back together, but you could find happiness with somebody else again it's not impossible :smile: Give yourself time and never be ashamed if you feel you should be over him and you're not, everybody heals differently, some may take weeks others months or years.

And cry all you want, because keeping it inside just makes you worse. I hope you get through this OP :smile:
purple_octopus
I just split with my boyfriend a couple of nights ago too. We also ended hugging and crying...it still hurts like hell that i can't touch, hug, kiss him anymore :frown:

Shortened the quote to the bit relevant to me - that's exactly what happened, he split with me and I was crying and he was hugging me and ended up crying a few times too. It hurts so much that I'll just have to walk beside him without being able to hold his hand, and sit next to him without having my arm around him, if I ever allow myself to be in his company again. To complicate matters, he got really drunk that night and came on msn and said a load of things which indicated there was a possibility of us getting back together, but he just needed time. I can't give much advice because I've just stayed in my room since it happened, only left it for the toilet and water, and haven't left the flat. I'm terrible with dealing with stuff like this and just give up, so I guess my advice is don't do what I do - distract yourself, don't dwell on it, DON'T watch Everybody Hurts by REM on Youtube when you are sent the link. Well, unless you want to let it all out. Hope you get through this ok, OP.