The Student Room Group

Is it wrong to be friends with someone...

when you know/suspect that they fancy you? I know that sounds silly. And without trying to sound too cocky I don't want to be the type who flaunts myself in front of them, if you get what I mean. Obviously I don't like them back in that way or I would have done something about it by now. But is it wrong to keep a good friendship, and if I had a relationship with someone else in the future, to talk to them about it? Because I feel close enough to them to talk about personal things such as that. He's so sweet, just not my type.

Also there is somebody else. There's something there, but at the same time, there isn't. I feel that sometimes he feels we are getting too close, and so he coldly pushes me away, then seems upset/even colder when I try to give him some 'distance' or 'breathing' space. He kind of decided near the beginning of our strange friendship that nothing could happen with us, even though he wanted it too, I guess we both have our reasons, and we are both holding back a bit. Me because I am just shy and don't admit my feelings when I should, and him because he's been hurt in the past, but I suspect too that he goes on and off me at times, and likes me when it suits him.

And before people give me the 'talk to them' advice, that's not the answer I'm seeking. Is there any non-talkative way to solve my problems?
To be honest I think this happens all the time in different sex relationships. Often one person can't accept just friendship, and the other can. I don't think you should stop being friends with the person. As long as you don't play around too much with the fact that you know they like you, then you haven't give them any false hope. They may not be able to help it that they like you but you make it clear that you're not after anything more. And if that's all the want from you, then you won't stay friends. Don't fear this possibility and flirt with them on this basis.
It happens all the time. I don't think there's really anything you can do. I have a really good friend who I used to go and watch films with in his room in halls last year, and we've always had a very playful kind of relationship. I only found out through mutual friends that he was gutted when I started going out with someone else. But not being friends with him was never an option. Hopefully he'll find someone else.
Anonymous
when you know/suspect that they fancy you? I know that sounds silly. And without trying to sound too cocky I don't want to be the type who flaunts myself in front of them, if you get what I mean. Obviously I don't like them back in that way or I would have done something about it by now. But is it wrong to keep a good friendship, and if I had a relationship with someone else in the future, to talk to them about it? Because I feel close enough to them to talk about personal things such as that. He's so sweet, just not my type.

Also there is somebody else. There's something there, but at the same time, there isn't. I feel that sometimes he feels we are getting too close, and so he coldly pushes me away, then seems upset/even colder when I try to give him some 'distance' or 'breathing' space. He kind of decided near the beginning of our strange friendship that nothing could happen with us, even though he wanted it too, I guess we both have our reasons, and we are both holding back a bit. Me because I am just shy and don't admit my feelings when I should, and him because he's been hurt in the past, but I suspect too that he goes on and off me at times, and likes me when it suits him.

And before people give me the 'talk to them' advice, that's not the answer I'm seeking. Is there any non-talkative way to solve my problems?


No, say bye bye and leave it for now. Is he shy? maybe he is afraid to admit his true feelings?

I've had two friendships go sour because of this, sadly. ie. when they find a potential partner I get pushed into the scrap heap, and may never return. :frown:
Reply 4
No, I think it's wrong to abandon someone because of feelings they can't help but have.

Still, there is no point in being in a strained friendship where you don't know what will set the other person off, push their boundaries, get their hopes up, etc either.

Basically:
It's not wrong to be friends with someone that likes you. Not at all.
But if you are finding it hard to carry on your friendship while you know those feelings exist, you shouldn't force it either, I suppose.

*edit* Also, I didn't see that you asked about whether you could talk to them about other people you like.

I think it is acceptable to do that, but if they seem visibly upset, don't do it in the future. Personally though, I think if someone I liked started talking to me about someone else they were interested in, it would help me get over them faster.

However...be careful. Sometimes the people you would least suspect start to sabotage relationships you have with other people if they have feelings for you or that other person.
Anonymous
when you know/suspect that they fancy you? I know that sounds silly. And without trying to sound too cocky I don't want to be the type who flaunts myself in front of them, if you get what I mean. Obviously I don't like them back in that way or I would have done something about it by now. But is it wrong to keep a good friendship, and if I had a relationship with someone else in the future, to talk to them about it? Because I feel close enough to them to talk about personal things such as that. He's so sweet, just not my type.

Also there is somebody else. There's something there, but at the same time, there isn't. I feel that sometimes he feels we are getting too close, and so he coldly pushes me away, then seems upset/even colder when I try to give him some 'distance' or 'breathing' space. He kind of decided near the beginning of our strange friendship that nothing could happen with us, even though he wanted it too, I guess we both have our reasons, and we are both holding back a bit. Me because I am just shy and don't admit my feelings when I should, and him because he's been hurt in the past, but I suspect too that he goes on and off me at times, and likes me when it suits him.

And before people give me the 'talk to them' advice, that's not the answer I'm seeking. Is there any non-talkative way to solve my problems?



Oh my gosh...you are me! I am in exactly the same position in a way. It was me who posted that 'single all my life but all of a sudden two guys....' thread. Its really hard and would love to know the answer to this. To me it feels wrong because every little innocent friendly gesture could be interpreted as me feeling the same way. I just put myself in that position and would feel led on if someone who knew I fancied them but obviously did not like me in the same way did nothing to shun my advances. As for friendship, I don't think its wrong but I guess one should be wary.

Sorry if that made no sense....lol...it felt like it made more sense in my head
Anonymous
when you know/suspect that they fancy you?
Nope, buuuuut - and it's a biggie - you must set the situation straight and agree any associated rules with them as soon as possible.

In many cases, what they may perceive as attraction simply turns out to be admiration for a quality of yours. True friends admire each other's fab points. They also dish out, and receive, lots of teasing banter. So set the "attracted" person straight! And if they then go on to properly befriend you - without any ulterior motive - then you've benefited both you and them. :biggrin:
Reply 7
Anonymous
Oh my gosh...you are me! I am in exactly the same position in a way. It was me who posted that 'single all my life but all of a sudden two guys....' thread. Its really hard and would love to know the answer to this. To me it feels wrong because every little innocent friendly gesture could be interpreted as me feeling the same way. I just put myself in that position and would feel led on if someone who knew I fancied them but obviously did not like me in the same way did nothing to shun my advances. As for friendship, I don't think its wrong but I guess one should be wary.

Sorry if that made no sense....lol...it felt like it made more sense in my head

Hehe... well we are not quite the same, it's not me deciding between the two of them, and it's not like either or them have asked me out. The first guy has hinted about liking me, and if I said I liked him back he might take that step.

The second guy gives constant hints but as I said before he pushes me away as I think he's afraid of getting close. I do sorta like him too, but then he acts in such a way and I am off him again.

What I really need is a 3rd guy who admits his feelings and that I like back :smile: but I ain't getting any of those :frown:.
Reply 8
Ron Stoppable
Nope, buuuuut - and it's a biggie - you must set the situation straight and agree any associated rules with them as soon as possible.

In many cases, what they may perceive as attraction simply turns out to be admiration for a quality of yours. True friends admire each other's fab points. They also dish out, and receive, lots of teasing banter. So set the "attracted" person straight! And if they then go on to properly befriend you - without any ulterior motive - then you've benefited both you and them. :biggrin:

Well as I just said in the post I posted after you posted (:p:) I haven't said I like him or anything... and if I haven't admitted anything to him now, isn't that kinda picking up the hint?
Bah, find yourself a real man. A real man will admit his true feelings for you.
just be friends with him, i mean if he fancies you so what? just be friends and make sure it doesnt go further that way you get a friend as well. win-win situation.
Reply 11
theonehitwonder
Bah, find yourself a real man. A real man will admit his true feelings for you.

Best advice given so far...!
It's nice to think in that way, but apparently some girls find it awkward to be friends with a guy AND have a boyfriend at the same time. Maybe the OP is one of these people.

Some time apart, or severely cutting back contact for a while may help. Sadly, I never chose to do that but to completely depart ways instead.
i feel like i'm the guy in your situation. i have a female friend who i had a brief fling with, but after it cooled off, she went back to her ex boyfriend. we didn't talk for a while but now we are closer than ever. i keep telling myself that she is just a friend but i can't help still being attracted to her. it's a strained relationship on my part, but i wouldn't want to lose her all together.
Reply 14
Anonymous
when you know/suspect that they fancy you? I know that sounds silly. And without trying to sound too cocky I don't want to be the type who flaunts myself in front of them, if you get what I mean. Obviously I don't like them back in that way or I would have done something about it by now. But is it wrong to keep a good friendship, and if I had a relationship with someone else in the future, to talk to them about it? Because I feel close enough to them to talk about personal things such as that. He's so sweet, just not my type.

Also there is somebody else. There's something there, but at the same time, there isn't. I feel that sometimes he feels we are getting too close, and so he coldly pushes me away, then seems upset/even colder when I try to give him some 'distance' or 'breathing' space. He kind of decided near the beginning of our strange friendship that nothing could happen with us, even though he wanted it too, I guess we both have our reasons, and we are both holding back a bit. Me because I am just shy and don't admit my feelings when I should, and him because he's been hurt in the past, but I suspect too that he goes on and off me at times, and likes me when it suits him.

And before people give me the 'talk to them' advice, that's not the answer I'm seeking. Is there any non-talkative way to solve my problems?


soz for the moster post in advance

not really but as long as your not messing with their heads and giving them false hope, i.e. flirting without even noticing your doing it, pr doing anything like that deliberatly cus from personaly expreience theirs nothing worse than having someone mess around with you like that and then discover that they dont actually like you in that way - eventhough that happened ages ago im still pretty good mates with this person. He will get over you eventually once he finalyl get the hint that nothing is goin to happen. But if you are comfortable talking to them about your relationships then m ake sure that they are ok as well, cus if they like you the way you said nd you dont have the same feelings back, and your talking about your relationships with other people - this will probably really upset them, the fact that you can have a relationship with someone else but not with them sorta thing. As long as you havent messed around with the guy in the past then i dont see a problem.

As for the second guy he sounds a bit shy as well and is scared to take things further especially if he has been hurt in the past,hence why he pushes you away when you get close and also why he pushes you even further away when he feels that your giving him some space, but if you like him and really want a relationship with him then go for it and just tell him the way you feel, i know you said you didnt want to hear that "you should talk to them" etc but really its the only way your goin to put them straight without messing up their mind or giving them false hope sorta, infact they'd probably respect your more as a friend if you spoke to them what was going on - again theirs nuthn worse than being left in the grey and confused about where you stand with someone when they've been kinda leading you on in the first place.

But if you're finding it difficult to keep your relationships with these people, i.e. finding it difficult to make conversation, cus i can imagine its mayb a bit awkward if you know that they like you and if they know that you know that they like you - :s-smilie: not sure if that made sense but hopefully you know what i mean, do they know about you knowing that they like you?

and yes finally do do need another guy who can tell you their true feeling, however very few guys do that...guys expressing their feelings jsut doesnt seem to happeen cus it makes them look more girlie etc.

their really is no "non talkative way" without you either pushing them away nd hoping that they'll get the hint that you dont feel that way about them - though doing that may ruin the friendship you want, cus realyl if your going to do this without talking your going to have to push them away,i.e. limit your contact with them until you feel thy've gotten over you . As for the opposite effect same applies except getting closer, then again its not as difficult to do though you might scare them away if you go about it the wrong way lol so really in conclusion, sit them down and tell them how you feel cus they're probably in the grey with whats happening right now and best way to solve that is to talk.

strangly enough you actually remind me of one of my m8ts whos kinda going through the same thing :s-smilie: cept im one of the friends that like them in this case lol
anyways hope it all goes well for ya :smile: