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I'm not ok
I don't feel ok. Somedays I wake up and I feel great I can take over the world. I'm full of amazing plans, feelings, ambition for the future.
Somedays I wake up and I want to die. I want to leave everything I have and start again. I will be tearful all day and full of self destructive feelings, wanting to make myself sick, cut myself or just go back to sleep for the rest of the day.
I can't cope with how I feel. I tried to talk to the guy I'm with about some of my problems but all he said was that it all comes down to my dad dying when I was younger, that I'm stupid, most of my problems now are my fault and I messed up. I've made alot of mistakes and I know this so I don't need telling. He took a knife I owned off me because I self-harm and he told me to talk to him but I can't.
I just don't know how to escape. Part of me is thinking it's just depression but that doesn't help. I'm throwing my life away on the days I want to die I don't go to college and now I've started just not turning up to work. I hate my job and the strain it places on my time. Sometimes I think I', being unreasonable hating it because to be honest no job is good enough. Some days I don't want to leave the house I just want to stay here feeling like **** waiting for my boyfriend to come home from work then when he gets back he tells me how rubbish I am and rips the hell out of me like always but I can't take it with good humour anymore and we end up having huge arguments.
I hate how I feel and what I am and I have no control anymore. I want to sort my life out but I don't think I can. Sometimes I am really tempted to go back to drugs (I used to have a problem) but I stop myself. It's just so hard.
What is wrong with me? What shall i do?
Somedays I wake up and I want to die. I want to leave everything I have and start again. I will be tearful all day and full of self destructive feelings, wanting to make myself sick, cut myself or just go back to sleep for the rest of the day.
I can't cope with how I feel. I tried to talk to the guy I'm with about some of my problems but all he said was that it all comes down to my dad dying when I was younger, that I'm stupid, most of my problems now are my fault and I messed up. I've made alot of mistakes and I know this so I don't need telling. He took a knife I owned off me because I self-harm and he told me to talk to him but I can't.
I just don't know how to escape. Part of me is thinking it's just depression but that doesn't help. I'm throwing my life away on the days I want to die I don't go to college and now I've started just not turning up to work. I hate my job and the strain it places on my time. Sometimes I think I', being unreasonable hating it because to be honest no job is good enough. Some days I don't want to leave the house I just want to stay here feeling like **** waiting for my boyfriend to come home from work then when he gets back he tells me how rubbish I am and rips the hell out of me like always but I can't take it with good humour anymore and we end up having huge arguments.
I hate how I feel and what I am and I have no control anymore. I want to sort my life out but I don't think I can. Sometimes I am really tempted to go back to drugs (I used to have a problem) but I stop myself. It's just so hard.
What is wrong with me? What shall i do?
You're just at that stage of your life, everyone seems to go through it at one point or another. I had it very bad around 17-18, just work out what you do want. I knew that at the end of the day, I wanted to be a better person, get out of my town and go to uni. I've now managed all those things, and those ****ty feelings are all part of my past.
Figure out what you want and focus on them. It's not easy but it's a phase that does eventually go.
Stop self harming too, there is no need for it. Ever.
Figure out what you want and focus on them. It's not easy but it's a phase that does eventually go.
Stop self harming too, there is no need for it. Ever.
Reply 2
Anonymous
I don't feel ok. Somedays I wake up and I feel great I can take over the world. I'm full of amazing plans, feelings, ambition for the future.
Somedays I wake up and I want to die. I want to leave everything I have and start again. I will be tearful all day and full of self destructive feelings, wanting to make myself sick, cut myself or just go back to sleep for the rest of the day.
I can't cope with how I feel. I tried to talk to the guy I'm with about some of my problems but all he said was that it all comes down to my dad dying when I was younger, that I'm stupid, most of my problems now are my fault and I messed up. I've made alot of mistakes and I know this so I don't need telling. He took a knife I owned off me because I self-harm and he told me to talk to him but I can't.
I just don't know how to escape. Part of me is thinking it's just depression but that doesn't help. I'm throwing my life away on the days I want to die I don't go to college and now I've started just not turning up to work. I hate my job and the strain it places on my time. Sometimes I think I', being unreasonable hating it because to be honest no job is good enough. Some days I don't want to leave the house I just want to stay here feeling like **** waiting for my boyfriend to come home from work then when he gets back he tells me how rubbish I am and rips the hell out of me like always but I can't take it with good humour anymore and we end up having huge arguments.
I hate how I feel and what I am and I have no control anymore. I want to sort my life out but I don't think I can. Sometimes I am really tempted to go back to drugs (I used to have a problem) but I stop myself. It's just so hard.
What is wrong with me? What shall i do?
Somedays I wake up and I want to die. I want to leave everything I have and start again. I will be tearful all day and full of self destructive feelings, wanting to make myself sick, cut myself or just go back to sleep for the rest of the day.
I can't cope with how I feel. I tried to talk to the guy I'm with about some of my problems but all he said was that it all comes down to my dad dying when I was younger, that I'm stupid, most of my problems now are my fault and I messed up. I've made alot of mistakes and I know this so I don't need telling. He took a knife I owned off me because I self-harm and he told me to talk to him but I can't.
I just don't know how to escape. Part of me is thinking it's just depression but that doesn't help. I'm throwing my life away on the days I want to die I don't go to college and now I've started just not turning up to work. I hate my job and the strain it places on my time. Sometimes I think I', being unreasonable hating it because to be honest no job is good enough. Some days I don't want to leave the house I just want to stay here feeling like **** waiting for my boyfriend to come home from work then when he gets back he tells me how rubbish I am and rips the hell out of me like always but I can't take it with good humour anymore and we end up having huge arguments.
I hate how I feel and what I am and I have no control anymore. I want to sort my life out but I don't think I can. Sometimes I am really tempted to go back to drugs (I used to have a problem) but I stop myself. It's just so hard.
What is wrong with me? What shall i do?
Judging by what your saying the first thing you should probably do is give your bf the boot and find someone who you can actually talk to comfortably about your problems even if this means getting a therapist! Anti depressants probably aren't a good idea if you can avoid them otherwise you may get slowly addicted and there will be some major side affects when you come off them! Avoid self harming! Possibly look for another job that you will enjoy more than your current one, it may not be your perfect job but as long as its more enjoyable! Try going out with female friends etc and generally socialising with females! Hope this helps you out a bit!
Reply 3
Oh I probably should have said I've seen a counsellor before. Seven of them. And sometimes they help and sometimes they don't.
I've also had anti-depressants for SAD which were horrible and I got hooked on them so I'd never touch them again.
I have felt down really bad before but it just went away after a couple of years. I was 12 and my dad had just died so it was understandable. Plus there wasn't much at stake then. Everything is this time.
I've also had anti-depressants for SAD which were horrible and I got hooked on them so I'd never touch them again.
I have felt down really bad before but it just went away after a couple of years. I was 12 and my dad had just died so it was understandable. Plus there wasn't much at stake then. Everything is this time.
Reply 4
Anonymous
Oh I probably should have said I've seen a counsellor before. Seven of them. And sometimes they help and sometimes they don't.
I've also had anti-depressants for SAD which were horrible and I got hooked on them so I'd never touch them again.
I have felt down really bad before but it just went away after a couple of years. I was 12 and my dad had just died so it was understandable. Plus there wasn't much at stake then. Everything is this time.
I've also had anti-depressants for SAD which were horrible and I got hooked on them so I'd never touch them again.
I have felt down really bad before but it just went away after a couple of years. I was 12 and my dad had just died so it was understandable. Plus there wasn't much at stake then. Everything is this time.
I believe a better solution for combating SAD is to get a specialised 'SAD Box' as i've seen them really help people with this condition and I myself have benefited from them. I'm the webmaster for one of the largest distributors of SAD Boxes in the UK - http://www.sad-shop.co.uk/
Check it out if you like, other than that i'd suggest arranging something fun to do with your friends to occupy your mind, either that or listen to some awsome heavy metal, that always makes me feel better and forget about all the crap in the world
Reply 5
I did look into an SAD box but there was no way I could afford it in a million years and my doctor said it wasn't available on the NHS.
I don't think this is just SAD this time. When I had SAD last year I felt like this but I still manage to do what I needed, it was like I was fihgtin back. But now I just can't. I don't feel the urge I just wan't to be left alone until I feel better.
I didn't think I had SAD this year because I didn't feel anything other than tiredness but I think that's because I spent the Sept - Dec doing drugs and gave up at the beginning of December when I moved in with my boyfriend. I know he sounds like he makes me feel bad but his made me so much better. I'm not addicted to anything anymore, I don't sleep around and I have somewhere safe to live.
I don't think this is just SAD this time. When I had SAD last year I felt like this but I still manage to do what I needed, it was like I was fihgtin back. But now I just can't. I don't feel the urge I just wan't to be left alone until I feel better.
I didn't think I had SAD this year because I didn't feel anything other than tiredness but I think that's because I spent the Sept - Dec doing drugs and gave up at the beginning of December when I moved in with my boyfriend. I know he sounds like he makes me feel bad but his made me so much better. I'm not addicted to anything anymore, I don't sleep around and I have somewhere safe to live.
Reply 6
I felt similar but not as bad not so long ago. I quit drugs also, and after that, I just felt like I had nothing to look forward to... sounds sad I know, but thats what it gets to in the end, the 'highpoint' of your life.
I'm sure things will get better over time, especially when spring eventually comes around, but until then, I think your best bet is to just take a brake until you feel more energized. Hopefully people will understand and just let you do as you wish in order to feel better, and they should respect that as long as you stay away from more drugs/anti-depressants and don't go down the road of self harming.
Just chill for a while and you'll be fine in time I hope
I'm sure things will get better over time, especially when spring eventually comes around, but until then, I think your best bet is to just take a brake until you feel more energized. Hopefully people will understand and just let you do as you wish in order to feel better, and they should respect that as long as you stay away from more drugs/anti-depressants and don't go down the road of self harming.
Just chill for a while and you'll be fine in time I hope
Reply 7
Thanks masterofpuppets. I find it really hard because I really miss the drugs and my friends.
I used to live in a real scummy student house which was falling down in the middle of town with a couple of guys who took drugs and although we didn't always get on I have loads of ace memories. I went out loads, the guys used to play decks all the time, there were inpromptu parties and my friends were always round. It all went downhill really quickly though, my friends split, people were falling apart before me and I ran out of money. None of my friends would go to our dealer because he has a reputation for being dodgy (people have disappeared due to him) but he fancied me so I'd get sent. I started getting it at dealer prices and selling it to my friends which they thought was fine.
It was all scummy and horrible so I moved away and into my new house. My boyfriend was one of the housemates and we got together instantly. I moved to clean myself up and I Have but I don't really know where I fit anymore. My old friends from before drugs have missed the changes and things I've witnessed and my drugs friends always encourage me to come back. I see them occasionally but I watch them shovelling drugs down their throats and I feel sick. I'm not sure where I fit and I feel so alone.
It doesn't help that now I have some things that really scare me. I was threatened by a guy with a knife (caught in the crossfire) over something and I stopped a guy stabbing my friend by flirting him down. Now I'm scared of knifes, I can't sleep alone and sometimes I wake up convinced someone's coming for me. I sleep with a torch with a rape alarm attahced under my pillow and sometimes if I hear a noise in the house I have to check it all with my torch two or three times just to calm myself down.
Have you had any problems like this?
I guess those problems probably aren't helping me when I'm feeling bad.
I used to live in a real scummy student house which was falling down in the middle of town with a couple of guys who took drugs and although we didn't always get on I have loads of ace memories. I went out loads, the guys used to play decks all the time, there were inpromptu parties and my friends were always round. It all went downhill really quickly though, my friends split, people were falling apart before me and I ran out of money. None of my friends would go to our dealer because he has a reputation for being dodgy (people have disappeared due to him) but he fancied me so I'd get sent. I started getting it at dealer prices and selling it to my friends which they thought was fine.
It was all scummy and horrible so I moved away and into my new house. My boyfriend was one of the housemates and we got together instantly. I moved to clean myself up and I Have but I don't really know where I fit anymore. My old friends from before drugs have missed the changes and things I've witnessed and my drugs friends always encourage me to come back. I see them occasionally but I watch them shovelling drugs down their throats and I feel sick. I'm not sure where I fit and I feel so alone.
It doesn't help that now I have some things that really scare me. I was threatened by a guy with a knife (caught in the crossfire) over something and I stopped a guy stabbing my friend by flirting him down. Now I'm scared of knifes, I can't sleep alone and sometimes I wake up convinced someone's coming for me. I sleep with a torch with a rape alarm attahced under my pillow and sometimes if I hear a noise in the house I have to check it all with my torch two or three times just to calm myself down.
Have you had any problems like this?
I guess those problems probably aren't helping me when I'm feeling bad.
Reply 8
That's really bad, i'm sorry to hear it, my problems seem really unsignificant compared to any of that. I understand what you're saying about not knowing where you belong, my situation was very similar in that respect. I think you need to try and decide for sure which side of the rope you want to be on in your personal tug of war (cheesy metaphors rock )
Either way, us reformed druggies have to stick together, so i'll help out wherever I can
)Either way, us reformed druggies have to stick together, so i'll help out wherever I can
Reply 10
Ha ha maths is horrendous, I'm awful at it!
Yeh being a reformed druggie is horrid. I know where I wanna be in my tug of war and that's clean but I don't think my non-drug friends can understand really some things. Sometimes I feel frustrated that they worry about whether or not it's ok to get off with guys and cast such judgements on people that do when I know waht theyd say if they know that I've has a knife held to my face or that I've taken so much I've blacked out and cracked my head into a wall. I guess I feel alienated (I love that word!).
Thanks for all your help everyone x
Yeh being a reformed druggie is horrid. I know where I wanna be in my tug of war and that's clean but I don't think my non-drug friends can understand really some things. Sometimes I feel frustrated that they worry about whether or not it's ok to get off with guys and cast such judgements on people that do when I know waht theyd say if they know that I've has a knife held to my face or that I've taken so much I've blacked out and cracked my head into a wall. I guess I feel alienated (I love that word!).
Thanks for all your help everyone x
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