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Boring Boy Problems...

I am with a guy but not quite. We live together, share a bed, I see him everyday but he won't say it, he says he can't commit.

I suffer from depression and am have had problems with substance abuse before. Atm I am on a down and I need someone. His not here for me at all. I know it seems unreasonable to want him to cope with my mood swings but I hurt so much and I don't want that much.

I've talked to him about problems with my mum's boyfriend hitting me when I was younger, missing my dead father and being treated atrociously by an ex. I told him about my miscarriage, I've shared my life with him. I never asked him to come in. I never asked im to ask me about my problems. I cut myself and I never told him. One day I told him I felt bad. I sent him a text saying I feel sad (we have seperate bedrooms in our house and I was in mine while he was in his). I find it so hard to talk to people but after I went awol on nye he asked me to talk and I did. This time I couldnt. He asked why and I said I missed my dad and he sent me a sad smiley face. I was sat a room away, sobbing and he knew. But he couldn't get off his bed and come in. He'd told me I wasn't allowed to sleep in his room that night and the last thing I wanted was a fight.

Afterwards he made me tell him all my problems and everything I said he said it was my fault. I was stupid to keep a man that tried to sleep with my friends. When I said about my mums partner I was probably a horrendous awkward child and that I deserved it. He said my miscarriage was because I pushed my body extra hard which was stupid. He said I was a stupid tramp to get myself up the duff in the first place. He said I should be glad because I couldn't have looked after a baby. He says I'm ugly and fat. That it's suprise anyone offered me a uni place. That I'm lazy. Grumpy. Disgusting.

I know his wrong, with most stuff his joking. But sometimes it cuts too deep. I told him today and he said that if I couldn't take his sense of humour maybe we should stop seeing each other. And I sat at home while he talked on msn from work and I sobbed. The world already seems a horrible place and I actually don't think I can cope with losing him too. I am so depressed and I know he doesn't help but I love the guy. He has his own problems which is why his like that and I hope that if I keep trying maybe one day he'll grow to love me too. I just wish sometimes when inside I feel like I'm breaking in two he'd hug me. He'd take five seconds from building one hundred walls and trying to bring me down so he can have control to remember I'm a person and I'm hurting so much. He doesn't like other people and he doesn't like them changing his life/having control. I know he can see that potential in me hence the poor treatment and part of me feels like if I'm important enough to be brought down then I can break through to him. It just hurts alot in the proccess.

Am I stupid?

Reply 1

Vohamanah

You're not stupid at all. :hugs:

You are having a very tough time and to be honest it sounds like he is making it so much worse:

Afterwards he made me tell him all my problems and everything I said he said it was my fault. I was stupid to keep a man that tried to sleep with my friends. When I said about my mums partner I was probably a horrendous awkward child and that I deserved it. He said my miscarriage was because I pushed my body extra hard which was stupid. He said I was a stupid tramp to get myself up the duff in the first place. He said I should be glad because I couldn't have looked after a baby. He says I'm ugly and fat. That it's suprise anyone offered me a uni place. That I'm lazy. Grumpy. Disgusting.

Does that seem like a caring boyfriend at all?

I know that the way you feel at the moment makes it so hard to take action against this, you feel like you need him and without him your life would fall apart. But you need to break this cycle of depression.

Is it possible for you to move out? Maybe move back in with your mum (assuming you are happy there...) or a friendly relative? I'm thinking if you take yourself away from the destructive situation you will be able to see it clearly and build up the self-confidence you need to realise you are better than tis and that you deserve so much more than this guy is able to give you.

Please please PM me if you are happy to waive your anon status. I promise you I want to help. I know what it is like getting over depression and have had boyfriends who act in a similar way to you describe.

Reply 2

Anonymous #1

I can't go back to my mums. I left when I was 16. Her boyfriend scared me witless and she knew and never did anything. I moved out to be closer to college and to help me escape. When I moved I was depressed and put on anti-depressants. I used to sob and sob and sob to my ex about how my mum told me it was my fault. It took me so long to sort myself and pick myself up and then I miscarried and slipped into substance abuse.

I moved into my current house with this guy to help me escape. He helped me clean up, he persuaded me to stop sleeping around and his taught me how to do things I could barely do like cook. I amm very scared and he makes me feel safe at night. I know if anyone turned up and threatened me he'd protect me. I don't know how I'd cope without him.

I don't want to leave him. I'm too scared to be on my own. Sometimes I am so scared that he will leave me or get with another girl and it's horrible.

Reply 3

Vohamanah

He has helped you over a very difficult part of your life, but the way he is treating you now is unfair. You are not his puppet and you don't owe him. It took strength on your part to get over the bad feelings, miscarriage and substance abuse.

If leaving is not an option you at least need to sit down and tell him he is doing this to you. He may not even realise you need him to be more supportive. Maybe he feels uncomfortable giving you the support you need. You need someone to concentrate on you 100% and help you through this.

Reply 4

Anonymous #1

I told him that it hurt me and he said that maybe we shouldnt be together.

What he said about my mum's partner hurt me and aI told him that. He's always telling me I'm a funny one in this sorta fond way and today when I was sat looking like I was about to cry after he said something he said I was a difficult one, he couldn't work me out because I was so grumpy. Looked happy then ready to cry.

We had an argument the other night where I tried to tell him and in the end I told him I want my cutting knife back off him because he took it on the condition I could talk to him instead and then when I tried to talk he ripped me down. I shouted loads and he said I could have it back. Then I cried because I felt he didn't care. It's all pants.

Thanks pinkpunk, I'll try to talk to him again.

Reply 5

Jonesy_LJ

You're certainly not stupid, and to even be functionning with what you've overcome is a remarkable testament to your strength of character. You really should try to remember that, because when you are able to appreciate how well you've done to come through all the terrible things that have happened to you, then you should feel an enormous amount of self worth.

It is unfair the way this person is treating you, but it is difficult for anybody else to respect and value you until you are able to respect and value yourself. Sorry if that's not particularly helpful.

Oh and one more thing, remember that there are people out there that love you, God certainly does :smile:

Reply 6

Vohamanah

You've been really strong to get through all this. Don't let someone break you down.

Reply 7

The Bishman

You've mentioned he insults you, makes fun and makes you feel low. Despite if this was in humour or not, its out of order and to be honest you shouldn't be with someone who makes you feel this low about serious things.

Reply 8

silverbolt

bishman

well said

Ok on one side you are very high maintence emotional wise, you have depresssion and anxiety disorders and a troubled past. That makes you a difficult partner, i mean this in no way offensively toward you.

However your bf assumedly knew this when he started dating you and should show some sensitivity. The fact that he lives with you cant be easy (ive been in dependant relationships and they are very straining) on him or on you. That however does not give him the right to belittle you or even poke fun at you. He should have the maturity to know that even good natured needling is damaging for you.

tbh i think you should get rid of him, no matter how awkward it makes it, hes making it harder for you and in the long run i think some space for yourself to sort your own head out. And get some professional consulling

Reply 9

silverbolt

R_Fischer

you 'suffer' from depression. This is of course a serious 'illness' and therfore he should not be so hard on you as you are clearly pathetic and weak-minded.