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Boyfriend problem: the right course of action?
Sorry this is long...I'd really appreciate some help though!
I met my current boyfriend at the beginning of last term when I joined a new sports society. We didn't have anything in common, or any friends in common, except that I'd just taken up the same sport (albeit at beginner level). Anyway, we were instantly attracted to each other and spent the whole night chatting, then the next day he asked me out. We went on a date a couple of days later, then I went round for dinner and met his housemates and everything the next day, and within a week we were a couple. We had a great first term together, had lots of fun, and I was getting pretty attached to him. I liked his friends a lot (still do) and my friends seemed to like him a lot. Everything seemed to be going well.
Then over Christmas we were only able to meet up once (which was really nice) before he went abroad for the rest of the holiday, and when we tried to speak on the phone, it was really difficult and strained, like we were both really pleased to be talking to each other, but had no idea what to say. I came to the conclusion that we didn't really know each other that well, since we got together after only knowing each other a few days, and we seem to spend our time together either in a big group of people (usually his friends) or alone, but not talking much.
I decided to try and start some more meaningful conversations with him once we got back to uni, and see where it led.
On the first day back at uni he came over for dinner and we had a really nice evening together. However, in the last two weeks we've had exams and coursework and both been really stressed, and last week I texted him a couple of times and he didn't reply, so last Thursday night I called him to see what was up, and we ended up having an argument. Eventually I convinced him to come over to mine after he'd finished his work, which he did, and we made up, but didn't really resolve anything. Two days later the same thing happened and I ended up going to his. This time we did talk about our problems a bit, and he said he didn't feel we connected especially well, and that we didn't really have all that much in common. I said that we didn't really talk enough to connect properly, or to know whether we had much in common beyond the basic, obvious stuff. But he did say he wanted a serious relationship with me.
On Wednesday night we spoke on the phone and I said I wanted to see him, so I went over to his again, and although we hadn't been arguing, we started talking about things and I felt as though it wasn't going to work. He won't share any personal details about his life with me, which makes me feel as though I can't share anything about mine without feeling silly. When I asked him if anything had upset him recently he said yes, but that he wouldn't tell me what it was because I wouldn't be able to do anything about it so there was no point. Eventually I started asking him about his relationship history and it turned out he'd dated one girl for about two months, then another for about four months, and had several one night stands, and that was it. I knew this roughly, but I'd thought that his most recent relationship had been much longer than that, so I didn't realise how inexperienced he was at long-term relationships.
Anyway, I made lots of suggestions about things we could do to improve things, because I don't want us to split up, but most of them would mean him having to open up and tell me things, which he finds really difficult to do. He said that his last relationship was much easier than this (it was a summer romance, of course it was easier...) and that he thought that if it was this difficult then maybe we just weren't compatible, and that maybe his feelings for me weren't as strong as he thought they were. I said that this is what happens in most relationships once you've been going out for a while - you have to start working at them. Anyway, he kept saying he didn't think it was going to work, and I kept saying that was only because he didn't want it to, and he cried and I cried and it was horrible. When I left in the morning, we'd decided to see each other on Saturday or Sunday night to see if we could sort it out.
Since seeing him I decided that because I'm so emotional at the moment, if I see him this weekend I will only get upset and we'll start having the same argument again, so last night I called him and said I need some time out, and that I don't want to meet up with him for a couple of weeks. I think I need some time to do all the things I used to do before we met and remind myself that I was perfectly happy before I met him, so that I don't feel under so much pressure to make it work when I do finally see him. I want to go out with my girlfriends and go shopping and have my haircut, and just generally be myself for a bit, in the hope that when I see him, we'll be reminded of why we were attracted to each other in the first place, and he'll be more willing to work at this. He was quite surprised that I didn't want to see him for a while, but I explained that it wasn't that I didn't care (quite the opposite) and that I would see him around at training and stuff, and that if he wants to chat he's perfectly welcome to call me, and that we're still together, etc etc. He was ok with it.
Anyway, do you think I've done the right thing? And do you think it will work? We're not the most compatible of people ever, but I think the relationship has potential if we're both willing to work at it. I've been in a long-term relationship before so I know how worthwhile it can be...he hasn't though!
I met my current boyfriend at the beginning of last term when I joined a new sports society. We didn't have anything in common, or any friends in common, except that I'd just taken up the same sport (albeit at beginner level). Anyway, we were instantly attracted to each other and spent the whole night chatting, then the next day he asked me out. We went on a date a couple of days later, then I went round for dinner and met his housemates and everything the next day, and within a week we were a couple. We had a great first term together, had lots of fun, and I was getting pretty attached to him. I liked his friends a lot (still do) and my friends seemed to like him a lot. Everything seemed to be going well.
Then over Christmas we were only able to meet up once (which was really nice) before he went abroad for the rest of the holiday, and when we tried to speak on the phone, it was really difficult and strained, like we were both really pleased to be talking to each other, but had no idea what to say. I came to the conclusion that we didn't really know each other that well, since we got together after only knowing each other a few days, and we seem to spend our time together either in a big group of people (usually his friends) or alone, but not talking much.
I decided to try and start some more meaningful conversations with him once we got back to uni, and see where it led.On the first day back at uni he came over for dinner and we had a really nice evening together. However, in the last two weeks we've had exams and coursework and both been really stressed, and last week I texted him a couple of times and he didn't reply, so last Thursday night I called him to see what was up, and we ended up having an argument. Eventually I convinced him to come over to mine after he'd finished his work, which he did, and we made up, but didn't really resolve anything. Two days later the same thing happened and I ended up going to his. This time we did talk about our problems a bit, and he said he didn't feel we connected especially well, and that we didn't really have all that much in common. I said that we didn't really talk enough to connect properly, or to know whether we had much in common beyond the basic, obvious stuff. But he did say he wanted a serious relationship with me.
On Wednesday night we spoke on the phone and I said I wanted to see him, so I went over to his again, and although we hadn't been arguing, we started talking about things and I felt as though it wasn't going to work. He won't share any personal details about his life with me, which makes me feel as though I can't share anything about mine without feeling silly. When I asked him if anything had upset him recently he said yes, but that he wouldn't tell me what it was because I wouldn't be able to do anything about it so there was no point. Eventually I started asking him about his relationship history and it turned out he'd dated one girl for about two months, then another for about four months, and had several one night stands, and that was it. I knew this roughly, but I'd thought that his most recent relationship had been much longer than that, so I didn't realise how inexperienced he was at long-term relationships.
Anyway, I made lots of suggestions about things we could do to improve things, because I don't want us to split up, but most of them would mean him having to open up and tell me things, which he finds really difficult to do. He said that his last relationship was much easier than this (it was a summer romance, of course it was easier...) and that he thought that if it was this difficult then maybe we just weren't compatible, and that maybe his feelings for me weren't as strong as he thought they were. I said that this is what happens in most relationships once you've been going out for a while - you have to start working at them. Anyway, he kept saying he didn't think it was going to work, and I kept saying that was only because he didn't want it to, and he cried and I cried and it was horrible. When I left in the morning, we'd decided to see each other on Saturday or Sunday night to see if we could sort it out.
Since seeing him I decided that because I'm so emotional at the moment, if I see him this weekend I will only get upset and we'll start having the same argument again, so last night I called him and said I need some time out, and that I don't want to meet up with him for a couple of weeks. I think I need some time to do all the things I used to do before we met and remind myself that I was perfectly happy before I met him, so that I don't feel under so much pressure to make it work when I do finally see him. I want to go out with my girlfriends and go shopping and have my haircut, and just generally be myself for a bit, in the hope that when I see him, we'll be reminded of why we were attracted to each other in the first place, and he'll be more willing to work at this. He was quite surprised that I didn't want to see him for a while, but I explained that it wasn't that I didn't care (quite the opposite) and that I would see him around at training and stuff, and that if he wants to chat he's perfectly welcome to call me, and that we're still together, etc etc. He was ok with it.
Anyway, do you think I've done the right thing? And do you think it will work? We're not the most compatible of people ever, but I think the relationship has potential if we're both willing to work at it. I've been in a long-term relationship before so I know how worthwhile it can be...he hasn't though!
at the end of the day, u are both at uni so u are both under pressure from ur studies. maybe a relationship isnt the best thing for u right now. u should feel like u have to work at a relationship especially if u have only been together for a short time, u make it sound like a marriage lol
if u are ment to be together, things will just fit. it shouldnt be the case of 'we have to work at it to make it work' etc etc
i think with u havin time out it will make u see that maybe ur just better off as friends
especially if he isnt willing to open up..thats pretty vital for a relationship although with a friendship u call ur own boundries...u see what i mean?
if u are ment to be together, things will just fit. it shouldnt be the case of 'we have to work at it to make it work' etc etc
i think with u havin time out it will make u see that maybe ur just better off as friends
especially if he isnt willing to open up..thats pretty vital for a relationship although with a friendship u call ur own boundries...u see what i mean?My last relationship wouldn't have lasted more than a few months without us both working at it. And my housemate says she and her boyfriend went through something similar and now they've been together for over two years. But obviously I can't make him see this. I'm just hoping that he'll miss me enough to want to try.
I'd be really upset though. 
He's the nicest boyfriend I've ever had. Really kind and he makes me laugh and he's gorgeous and great in bed. Just not very good at expressing himself.
He's the nicest boyfriend I've ever had. Really kind and he makes me laugh and he's gorgeous and great in bed. Just not very good at expressing himself.
As I was reading your post (before I got to the bit about you not seeing him for a few weeks so you could sort yourself out) I was thinking 'oh, they need some time alone'. You're definitely doing the right thing, you sound very mature, believe in yourself because you know what you're doing. I can't really think of much to say because you've said it all already, have some time out and then you won't feel under pressure to make it work and things will go the way they're supposed to. Maybe you'll stay together (which is great) but it's fine if you break up cos you did have a life before meeting him. It's good that you're trying hard because, like you say, relationships need work but it sounds like maybe you're a bit too attached to him to see things clearly. Go out and have loads of fun with your girlfriends because I think part of the problem is that you're both really stressed and you need a rest from serious things like studying (and trying to make relationships work ) When you guys do meet up again, maybe you should try doing something "matey" so you can get to know each other as friends since you didn't do that before you got together. It's important to be friends with your partner but you know that don't you? Well done for all the things you're doing, I can't think of a better way of approaching the situation than you already have! Keep it up, by taking a break you're giving your relationship the best possible chance but you're also reclaiming your life so that if all doesn't go to plan then you'll be alright! 
) When you guys do meet up again, maybe you should try doing something "matey" so you can get to know each other as friends since you didn't do that before you got together. It's important to be friends with your partner but you know that don't you? Well done for all the things you're doing, I can't think of a better way of approaching the situation than you already have! Keep it up, by taking a break you're giving your relationship the best possible chance but you're also reclaiming your life so that if all doesn't go to plan then you'll be alright! 
I_Surf_Hawaii
Not great at expressing himself? So he's a guy then...
Ye-es... but worse than most guys, I think!
It doesn't sound as if you fell in love and couldn't stop wanting to see each other. I think that's really central to a great relationship.
Why has the thread title changed? 
We couldn't stop wanting to see each other up until Christmas, when we couldn't see each other. And then we realised we had a communication problem. It was all going great until then!
We couldn't stop wanting to see each other up until Christmas, when we couldn't see each other. And then we realised we had a communication problem. It was all going great until then!
I think you made a really good move in taking some time out to yourself, because trying to force something just wont work! Ur certainly not alone, most of my friends that are in long term relationships are the same way, it takes time to trust someone and get to know them enough to totally open up. Some people are together for yearrrss and this never happens 
!! But you'v done the right thing, he will come to realise that he misses you a lot too and if its meant to be, you guys will resolve things! It seems like you really like each other and it must be very difficult what with uni and other things to worry about but Im sure this will work out! Iv been with my boyfriend for 6 months now and I feel like we're only just starting to be open with one another! You sound like a great person, u obviously care for him! If he realises hes gonna have to lose you or open up to you, I think he would certainly choose the latter
xxxxxxxxxxxx
!! But you'v done the right thing, he will come to realise that he misses you a lot too and if its meant to be, you guys will resolve things! It seems like you really like each other and it must be very difficult what with uni and other things to worry about but Im sure this will work out! Iv been with my boyfriend for 6 months now and I feel like we're only just starting to be open with one another! You sound like a great person, u obviously care for him! If he realises hes gonna have to lose you or open up to you, I think he would certainly choose the latter xxxxxxxxxxxx
I think you both are acting very very mature which is not common. You did the right thing and even he did the right thing by understanding why you are doing this.. What you need is like a holiday or something...(just the 2 of you!) and that should sort out all the differences...this is my opinion... all the best!!
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