I don't really know how to explain this but I'll try and hope that anyone can help me. I think I'm depressed.
It's taklen me a while to actually write this and it might not even make any sense because I'm messed up in the head.
Firstly, I feel unhappy all of the time, I wake up in the morning and just want to go back to sleep. Half the time I don't understand why I'm so tired because I've slept ove 9 hours. I rarely over sleep though. I just get the right amount.
I often worry though at night. I've recently deferred my university as I'm not ready for higher education.
I worry about trying to find a job and how that seems impossible because my confidence has been killed off and my attitude towards things (I just can't be bothered to do anything). I'm always tired and actually look knackered all of the time. My eyes look dull, my skin looks like it's been pulled though a load of hedges and I've gone really thin. I look at my body in the mirror and feel angry. I'm not sure why I've deterioated in such away. Is it through binge drinking? I have been binge drinking now for around 14 months, drinking, on average 2/3 times a week and getting really drunk, although I have had some sober periods. Still, I didn't feel any benefits.
Is it over worrying too much? I have had a disaster of a year (well last year), I failed my january module exams, I got a boyfriend that abused me (which put me though 8 months of pain, the worst period of my life, I don't think it's necessary to go into but he has tried to kill me once and basically wreck my life), I failed my A level examinations. I only just about gained a place at my chosen university though the skin of my teeth. Then during my time at university, from September to January I did nothing but binge drink, I hardly ate a proper meal, spent a laod of money I've not got to pay back, did no work what's so ever as I didn't have the motivation and lost so much of my confidence I was too afraid to even go in the kitchen by self. I was also too frightened to attend half of my lessons, felt so anxious and scared.
I haven't achieved anything in my life for a long period of time, infact, since my AS levels. I messed up my A levels and now university and now my life. I know it sounds like I'm feeling sorry for my self but I can't help feeling the way I am.
I've seen a counsellor during university but I don't understand how it's susposed to help me out. I want to do it my self and make my self feel good about my self again.
I'm just sick of waking up every morning with regrets about my life. I just wish I could turn back the clock where I didn't have a BF! Then I wouldn't of messed up me life.
I've asked the exam boards if I can resit my A2's but they said it's very unlikely and my college won't help my case so that's doomed. So there is no chance in changing what is partly making me feel so miserable.
I don't know how to get out of this mess. Every morning I wake up, feeling miserbale, tired, depressed, fed up, and wishing I was a little kid with no worries. I want to wake up feeling relatauvely happy, normal. I understand humans have ups and downs but this is not like that. I haven't felt happiness for ages. hen ever it does come back it's going to be tough to maintain.