Being close friends with an ex-teacher? (Please help!) Watch

wildflower185
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I know this may sound weird, but please hear me out and please please offer your thoughts - I really want other people’s perspective on this.

(Btw, I am a totally straight female, as is my teacher. I am 21 and my teacher is 49).

I've just completed my third year of uni so left school 5 years ago, and left sixth form 3 years ago. Whilst at this school and in sixth form, I got on quite well with my History teacher,and we have stayed in touch ever since. We got on especially well in sixth form,especially since it was a small sixth form (only 4 in my History class) and because by now, said teacher had taught me continuously for 4 years. She was my History teacher, and I am doing a History degree. She also did a History degree, and at the same uni I went to. For these reasons, we have quite a bit in common. The more we have spoken outside of school (and thus speaking more openly and revealing more about ourselves), the more we have realised we have in common, to the point she calls me her "Mini Me". We have met up over the last 3 years when we have had History class reunions (me, my 3 other classmates, and the 3 History teachers, of which she is one of). I have also been asked to go back into my school quite a few times to help out in classes and on trips (I was always one of the "clever students" so they have wanted me to give talks about my "success", etc.).

Anyway, from meeting up a few times and being friends on Facebook (she told us to add her), she and I found we have more and more in common and we really seem to get on well. She asked me when I was in my second year of uni if I wanted to walk her dog with her, as she has a pug and she found out I am pug-OBSESSED! So we met up and walked her dog and it was really nice. Since then, I’ve been into school more to help out,and so we chatted more and more. As I was 20 by this point, I think she felt more comfortable talking to me, and less like she could get into trouble/it is going against the student/teacher relationship (even though she is no longer my teacher anyway). However, on one of my visits, she gave me her mobile number over Facebook and told me to ring her when I got to the school, so she could come and meet me at Reception. I found this quite weird, as every other time we just arranged to meet there at a certain time. Also, teachers aren't supposed to use mobiles in school, and it also seemed so unnecessary when we could have just arranged to meet at a certain time. I wondered if this was an excuse to get my mobile number. She has text me a few times since and I have never initiated the texting.

After that, I accidentally left my coat at school, and she said she had got it for me and I could go and get it from her house if I wanted to,and to see her dog again. I did again find it a bit weird that she didn't just tell me to go into school and she would leave it at Reception, or for me to go in and I could get it off her, rather than going to her house. Especially as she is a teacher and many teachers are very private, never mind telling me not only where she lives, but inviting me into her home! (And especially as she does have a reputation for being VERY private too). But since we had spoken a lot on Facebook, I presumed she was just being friendly.

Since then, we have continued chatting on Facebook a LOT - she never posts herself, but whenever I do (which is a good few times a week) she ALWAYS comments, even if the post is nothing to do with her/is about people she doesn't know. I think it's nice she still cares enough to do so after 3 years of me having left sixth form. However, my friends (even ones from my History class and so know her) have said to me that she comments on my stuff a LOT and that sometimes her comments are strange/inappropriate.For example, she would comment on things that are clearly nothing to do with her, like a night out that my friends and I are all going on, when she knows no one involved. An example of her being inappropriate is commenting making jokes about my sexual relationships, kinda inferring that I am a slut... its in a jokey way, but sometimes she goes too far and a gets a bit too rude in my opinion (e.g. talking about bl*wjobs and things). I have thought this may just be because she feels very comfortable with me, and I'm no prude either but sometimes it is just TOO far, especially as she was my teacher.

Aside from the strange/sexual comments, another quite strange thing she did on Facebook was added my best friend from uni, whom she has never even met. My best friend also comments on a lot of my posts (still not as much as my ex-teacher!), and my ex-teacher has interacted with her on my posts a bit (e.g. my best friend commenting to me,then my ex-teacher replying to her), but nowhere near enough to add her.Especially as I say, she is a teacher so doesn't have many ex-pupils on Facebook and doesn't post anything and keeps her profile very private. I found this very weird and it shocked me at the time, so I commented jokingly asking why she added her, and my ex-teacher said she added her "by accident"... which is hard to believe and she didn't delete my friend after apparently realising she had “accidentally” added her, and now she likes my friend's posts too.

She has invited me to her house a few times, she cooked me lunch once time, and dinner another time and offers me alcohol. She also tries to give me wine every time I go (I never accept). This is another thing she sometimes inappropriately comments on Facebook, insinuating that I am even more of a slut when I have had a drink. She took me to visit her Mother and Father once too, who lived in walking distance of her house. She also took me to watch her son's football match too another time. I think it's nice that she involves me, but wonder what her family must think?She has a husband, a son and 2 daughters. I even wondered in the very beginning if she was trying to get so close to me to make up for her not having children/a daughter, but then I found out she does.

I have a normal social life, and friends my age. I continue to make an effort with her because I'm that kind of person - if someone is friendly towards me, I am friendly back. Also we do seem to get on really well and seem to have a lot in common. However, I have noticed she exaggerates and even makes up some of the things we have “in common” – I have found out she has lied about a few things to make out like we are the same when we’re not. I just wonder if she has picked up on the fact I am known to be friendly and a very giving person, and so is taking this as vulnerability and using me and I can't see it. BUT, alternatively I don't want to cut off a really good friend if she is being genuine and we do get on really well, but she just happens to have been my teacher (so is 29 years older than me). For example, I could meet a good friend at work in a few years who is in her 40s/50s and that wouldn't be potentially seen as weird, as I fear a student/ex-teacher friendship might be.

So basically, I feel a bit torn and confused... I feel like she's not some weirdo who is trying to use me for her own gain and I definitely do not feel that it is a sexual/perverted friendship in any way. But then I don't know of anyone who is this close to an ex-teacher,so then is this weird/not normal? I then begin to wonder if (even though I'm sure she's straight, and she has a family), whether she thinks this is sexual in some way? Or if she is using me in some way, for something that I will discover in the future? Or if she is unhappy with her life/friendships so is using me to fill a gap? Or if she's trying to live vicariously through her"Mini Me"? If this is not an innocent relationship, I fail to see her reasoning behind using me, unless she just wants to have power over me/manipulate me. I think its normal and we just get on really really well, and it just so happens that she was my teacher. But then I wonder if I have been manipulated/my judgement is clouded because I am involved in it. Also, some of the things that have happened/been said have made me wonder if it's as innocent as I think it is.

So what are your thoughts? Is anyone else this close to an ex-teacher? Do you think it's genuine, or that she is using me for her own gain (if so, what do you think it is)? Thanks so much
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Adeel Ali
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Yes. I ACTUALLY READ IT ALL. IDK.. It seems like she is sort of fascinated by you? It's good that you don't accept alcohol as it will open further doors for contact which IMO should be kept shut. Block her from FB, and maybe chat or talk to her via a method that doesn't involve her knowing about your social life. The comments that she is leaving ARE INAPPROPRIATE.
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M0nkey Thunder
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She seems creepy to me. I think all of my teachers are fantastic, but there's no way I could be that close with a teacher and still be comfortable...

Whether she's using you for her own gain is beyond me, but you I think asking her, if you agree that is, to step back a little would be, personally, my go-to response to such a relationship (particularly with an ex-teacher..)
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M0nkey Thunder
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(Original post by Adeel Ali)
Yes. I ACTUALLY READ IT ALL. IDK.. It seems like she is sort of fascinated by you? It's good that you don't accept alcohol as it will open further doors for contact which IMO should be kept shut. Block her from FB, and maybe chat or talk to her via a method that doesn't involve her knowing about your social life. The comments that she is leaving ARE INAPPROPRIATE.
DAMN IT! YOU BEAT ME TO IT! :cry2:
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Adeel Ali
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(Original post by M0nkey Thunder)
DAMN IT! YOU BEAT ME TO IT! :cry2:
Maybe next time
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username1229433
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Moral of the story: Do not befriend your teachers and have boundaries.


Posted from TSR Mobile
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Future African game vet
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Hi
I have actually been friends with 4 of my old high school teachers for about 8 years now (Im 24). I have met up with one of them for a coffee and regularly go into school to give talks about being a vet etc
I occasionally talk to one of them over facebook and have 3/4 of them on here. We are friendly but respectful - she has been having a hard time finding a nice guy to date so occasionally i get texts like "oooh found a good one this time" -we discuss our personal lives...but never joke about sexual things.

I think you should maybe back off a little from your teacher, maybe to a place you are comfortable with - if she makes jokes you think are inappropriate brush past them - she may just love you being around-kind of like a surrogate daughter?

Either way I don't think it is as unusual as you think- and age gaps can seem a little odd but I have a lot of friends who are much older than myself A lady I do lambing for is 65 and we regularly talk about all sorts of things! my 4 teacher friends are mid forties!

good luck
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Smilin’ Knight
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You made a friend... you said yourself that she it's very private she probably just doesn't isnt used to friends. Especially with someone younger than her.

It could be something sinister and maybe I'm just too trusting but if you do actually want her as a friend then you need to get over the fact that she used to be your teacher and accept her as a friend. If you don't feel comfortable with it and don't feel like you ever will then it might be a good idea to scale it back then when you finish uni you can cut ties entirely and take it back to an aquaintence.
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Sisterhood1
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I am very good friends with my old drama teacher who was there for me a lot when I had anorexia at school. Just after I'd left school she invited me out for lunch and after that we met up every month or so until the following year when I moved away for uni. She became just another friend from home that I'd make the effort to see whenever I was back for the holidays. After a year she moved away to be closer to family (she'd just had a baby), but I met up with her a couple of times when I was visiting a friend who lived near her new place, and we chat every now and then online.

It's now over 5 years since I left school and when I felt myself relapsing with my anorexia a few months ago I messaged her and she was supportive as ever, even inviting me to come and stay when I was deemed too ill to carry on with my nursing placement. I ended up staying with her for a week, hung out with her family, including her parents, sister in law and nephew and helped her take care of her kids. When the kids were in bed, she'd teach me to cook something and then we'd watch telly and drink wine while we ate.

I don't find it strange really, I think it's really nice that she still cares and in some ways it's odd to think she ever taught me. She's only 10 years older than me, and I'm actually almost as old now as she was when she first started teaching at my school. And she was only actually my teacher for a year - in the three years after that I just did the school productions that she directed.
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