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Which part is she lying about?
Okay, I need to explain a lot, so please bare with me - I'll try to shorten it as much as possible.
I'm 18yo in uni, in halls. The flats are flats of 8 and same sex. The lower floors are all males, the upper floors are all females. My flat are pretty good friends with one of the girls' flats, and have been ever since October. We always go out together in a large group (usually 8-16 of us) and have a good time.
Half way through November I developed feelings for one of the girls, but she had a bf so I didn't do anything.. She always complained about him and wanted to dump him, but didn't have the heart to do it.. but over Christmas hols she did dump him. So I waited a while, and at the same time built up some confidence to ask her out.
So, the second week we came back, we all headed out again to the union, and then 4 of us went to a different club.. things were goin' well, until I was at the bar and I turned around.. and saw her kissing a friend of mine.. now this was the second time it happened.. the first time was early December, but everyone was absolutely wasted and couldn't remember 95% of the night so I thought nothing of it.. this time they were both still very very drunk.. but I had quite a bit to drink, and kinda overreacted.
Long story short, I walked out, and walked home by myself.. and proceeded to avoid the girl for over a week. During that week she was asking my flatmates if they knew why I had left. Anyways.. I finally got around to talking to her.. I apologised for how I acted, and told her how I felt.. and then asked if she felt the same.. She said that she never thought of me in that way, and that her and the other guy she kissed were just friends and that it was just drunken stupidity and that if she knew how i felt then she wouldn't have done so.
NOW! This is the crux of the matter! Over the months, as we went out, and hung out (as a group) I noticed some small things that made me think that she may actually like me as well. For example, when chilling in one of the flats, she would constantly glance over at me, and when i look at her she looks away.. but it's especially when we went out as a group to a club and whilst we danced.. Although she is a very, er, flirtatious girl and danced quite erotically with everyone in the group, I noticed that she seemed to focus on me.. and she would always hold my hand (like a couple would), and a few times we slow danced (even though it wasn't the appropriate music lol). And basically other things along those lines.
Now, true that's only speculation, however, there is something else slightly more solid. She said to 2 of my friends, on 2 different occassions, that if she didn't have a bf then she'd go out with me.. just as passing comments.
But.. when I asked her if she felt the same she said she never thought about me in that way.. yet she said to them that comment. What's going on here? Were the comments about her not having a bf the lie? or did she lie to me? Perhaps she did feel the same about me, but doesnt anymore? Maybe she actually didn't think of me in that way.. but why would she have said what she did to my friends in confidence?
Any clarity on this matter would be VERY appreciated.. i'm just so confused
PS: Sorry for the extremely long post, but I thought it would help anyone who can help clarfiy if i provided a clear picture of the back-story and the situation. thanks in advance.
I'm 18yo in uni, in halls. The flats are flats of 8 and same sex. The lower floors are all males, the upper floors are all females. My flat are pretty good friends with one of the girls' flats, and have been ever since October. We always go out together in a large group (usually 8-16 of us) and have a good time.
Half way through November I developed feelings for one of the girls, but she had a bf so I didn't do anything.. She always complained about him and wanted to dump him, but didn't have the heart to do it.. but over Christmas hols she did dump him. So I waited a while, and at the same time built up some confidence to ask her out.
So, the second week we came back, we all headed out again to the union, and then 4 of us went to a different club.. things were goin' well, until I was at the bar and I turned around.. and saw her kissing a friend of mine.. now this was the second time it happened.. the first time was early December, but everyone was absolutely wasted and couldn't remember 95% of the night so I thought nothing of it.. this time they were both still very very drunk.. but I had quite a bit to drink, and kinda overreacted.
Long story short, I walked out, and walked home by myself.. and proceeded to avoid the girl for over a week. During that week she was asking my flatmates if they knew why I had left. Anyways.. I finally got around to talking to her.. I apologised for how I acted, and told her how I felt.. and then asked if she felt the same.. She said that she never thought of me in that way, and that her and the other guy she kissed were just friends and that it was just drunken stupidity and that if she knew how i felt then she wouldn't have done so.
NOW! This is the crux of the matter! Over the months, as we went out, and hung out (as a group) I noticed some small things that made me think that she may actually like me as well. For example, when chilling in one of the flats, she would constantly glance over at me, and when i look at her she looks away.. but it's especially when we went out as a group to a club and whilst we danced.. Although she is a very, er, flirtatious girl and danced quite erotically with everyone in the group, I noticed that she seemed to focus on me.. and she would always hold my hand (like a couple would), and a few times we slow danced (even though it wasn't the appropriate music lol). And basically other things along those lines.
Now, true that's only speculation, however, there is something else slightly more solid. She said to 2 of my friends, on 2 different occassions, that if she didn't have a bf then she'd go out with me.. just as passing comments.
But.. when I asked her if she felt the same she said she never thought about me in that way.. yet she said to them that comment. What's going on here? Were the comments about her not having a bf the lie? or did she lie to me? Perhaps she did feel the same about me, but doesnt anymore? Maybe she actually didn't think of me in that way.. but why would she have said what she did to my friends in confidence?
Any clarity on this matter would be VERY appreciated.. i'm just so confused
PS: Sorry for the extremely long post, but I thought it would help anyone who can help clarfiy if i provided a clear picture of the back-story and the situation. thanks in advance.
Scroll to see replies
Hmmmm... what some girls do, sometimes, not suggesting that this has happened here, is that if they get an inkling that somebody likes them they thrive on the attention & like to lead them on so that they get more of it. This might be why this has happened but at the same time it seems like she's a bit confused as to what she wants, she could be still a bit upset from the end of her last relationship and not want to get into anything so soon afterwards?
Hi, I'm a woman and can see exactly what her behaviour means.
You were brave enough to tell her how you feel and she told you how she felt. She said she was not interested, who knows why? Maybe your just not her type!
The behaviour that you are interpretting as flirtatious probably is but this does not mean that she likes you. It probably means she wants to make sure you still feel sexually attracted to her. Why? Well, simply as an ego boost to herself. When I was younger I used to behave in the way that you are describing and a lot of my friends/older women still behave in that way.
If she suddenly began to like you for real you would be getting definite signs and she would kissing just you when not drunk and not random other guys.
Best advice go find another girl who does like you. There are plenty of pretty girls around mate.
You were brave enough to tell her how you feel and she told you how she felt. She said she was not interested, who knows why? Maybe your just not her type!
The behaviour that you are interpretting as flirtatious probably is but this does not mean that she likes you. It probably means she wants to make sure you still feel sexually attracted to her. Why? Well, simply as an ego boost to herself. When I was younger I used to behave in the way that you are describing and a lot of my friends/older women still behave in that way.
If she suddenly began to like you for real you would be getting definite signs and she would kissing just you when not drunk and not random other guys.
Best advice go find another girl who does like you. There are plenty of pretty girls around mate.
butterfly1452
Hmmmm... what some girls do, sometimes, not suggesting that this has happened here, is that if they get an inkling that somebody likes them they thrive on the attention & like to lead them on so that they get more of it. This might be why this has happened but at the same time it seems like she's a bit confused as to what she wants, she could be still a bit upset from the end of her last relationship and not want to get into anything so soon afterwards?
The things is though, I made sure to hide my feelings completely for her (learned from a previous experience) and I paid her no special attention. If she wanted to dance with me I played along, but no different from how I'd dance with anyone else in the group.
Also, you said about her last relationship.. That's something I forgot to mention.. she did say that she didn't want to get involved with anyone else at the minute, as she isn't sure what she wants to do.
Melissa85
Hi, I'm a woman and can see exactly what her behaviour means.
You were brave enough to tell her how you feel and she told you how she felt. She said she was not interested, who knows why? Maybe your just not her type!
The behaviour that you are interpretting as flirtatious probably is but this does not mean that she likes you. It probably means she wants to make sure you still feel sexually attracted to her. Why? Well, simply as an ego boost to herself. When I was younger I used to behave in the way that you are describing and a lot of my friends/older women still behave in that way.
If she suddenly began to like you for real you would be getting definite signs and she would kissing just you when not drunk and not random other guys.
Best advice go find another girl who does like you. There are plenty of pretty girls around mate.
Hi, I'm a woman and can see exactly what her behaviour means.
You were brave enough to tell her how you feel and she told you how she felt. She said she was not interested, who knows why? Maybe your just not her type!
The behaviour that you are interpretting as flirtatious probably is but this does not mean that she likes you. It probably means she wants to make sure you still feel sexually attracted to her. Why? Well, simply as an ego boost to herself. When I was younger I used to behave in the way that you are describing and a lot of my friends/older women still behave in that way.
If she suddenly began to like you for real you would be getting definite signs and she would kissing just you when not drunk and not random other guys.
Best advice go find another girl who does like you. There are plenty of pretty girls around mate.
She never said she wasn't interested.. she said she never thought of me in that way.. they are different things. Also.. I'm well aware of how most girls act around guys if they think they are interested in them.. and act in general (no offense meant), and I am very careful not to be played like a fool.
But what really confuses me (and what both of you have avoided) is why would she have said - IN CONFIDENCE - to TWO different friends on TWO different occassions, that if she didn't have a boyfriend then she'd go out with me? And then turns around and says she has never thought of me in that way.. This is what confuses me the most!
Thanks for your help though, I neglected to mention the part about her not being sure what she wants to do.
Well she has told you how she feels now which is what matters - forget her weird behaviour - reading some of the posts on here its patently obvious the country is full of fudged up teens...
Clubber Lang
Well she has told you how she feels now which is what matters - forget her weird behaviour - reading some of the posts on here its patently obvious the country is full of fudged up teens...
Didn't your parents ever tell you that if you can't say anything nice then don't say anything at all?
Besides, she didn't exactly tell me how she feels.. she said she never THOUGHT about me in that way.. not that she doesn't FEEL the same, or isn't interested..
There's been countless times when friends (both male and female) ask someone out and that person says they never thought about them in a sexual way.. but because they now have the thought planted in their mind, they begin to develop feelings for that person.... although sadly, the original asker has already moved on.
I'm not saying that this is the case with me, but i'm just saying it's a possibility.. I'm not holding out for her, but there's just nobody else I like at the minute.
THE IMPORTANT THING IS, and what I can't get my head around, is WHY did she say those things to my friends, and then say the complete opposite to me? This is what keeps boggling my mind!
just a thought (and I am WAY not good at giving advice, so take this with a pinch of salt): if you took her aside and admitted your feelings and everything and she felt 'put on the spot' and like she had to decide RIGHT NOW whether or not she wanted to date you, saying 'I've never thought of you that way' might be a good, noncommital answer so she had time to think. It gets her out of that conversation without agreeing to date you, but it doesn't have to mean she never will. Saying something about how she likes you too could have commited her to something when she wasn't ready to.
Give her some time. She knows how you feel now, she might choose to act on it. If not, I don't see why you couldn't just plainly ask her out, but in a while so you don't seem too obsessive
Give her some time. She knows how you feel now, she might choose to act on it. If not, I don't see why you couldn't just plainly ask her out, but in a while so you don't seem too obsessive
erm , latot seems your disagreeing with all the advice your given. If your so sure, by the sounds of it, ask her out again. I'm a dead cert she'd feed you some more bs. I'm not being mean just from what you've posted initially it doesn't sound like she's into you. Find another bird!!!
I wouldn't dwell too much on the tittle tattle of what was said to friends and such you can only work on the basis of what you have heard with your own ears.
I wouldn't dwell too much on the tittle tattle of what was said to friends and such you can only work on the basis of what you have heard with your own ears.
katwin
just a thought (and I am WAY not good at giving advice, so take this with a pinch of salt): if you took her aside and admitted your feelings and everything and she felt 'put on the spot' and like she had to decide RIGHT NOW whether or not she wanted to date you, saying 'I've never thought of you that way' might be a good, noncommital answer so she had time to think. It gets her out of that conversation without agreeing to date you, but it doesn't have to mean she never will. Saying something about how she likes you too could have commited her to something when she wasn't ready to.
Give her some time. She knows how you feel now, she might choose to act on it. If not, I don't see why you couldn't just plainly ask her out, but in a while so you don't seem too obsessive
Give her some time. She knows how you feel now, she might choose to act on it. If not, I don't see why you couldn't just plainly ask her out, but in a while so you don't seem too obsessive
Actually that is a good piece of advice.. I won't ask her out ever though.. as you said, she knows how I feel.. if she wants something to happen then she can come to me.
melissa85
erm , latot seems your disagreeing with all the advice your given. If your so sure, by the sounds of it, ask her out again. I'm a dead cert she'd feed you some more bs. I'm not being mean just from what you've posted initially it doesn't sound like she's into you. Find another bird!!!
I'm not disagreeing with the advice.. if you read my replies I actually agree with it.. most of the things I have already thought of.. however.. you seem to be missing the CRUX of the matter.
Which is.. WHY did she say those things to my friends, and then say the complete opposite to me?
The way she acted.. whether she was interested in me or not, is all just speculation and I'm not interested in that.. but she DID say that to my friends (these are my closest friends).. this is what I want answered, and is the crux of what I'm enquiring about.
Melissa.. no offense to you, but you are acting very patronising towards me, and seem to be taking a very negative standing point.. I, on the other hand, am NOt taking an optimists point of view (which you seem to be assuming).. i ama ssuming the stand point of a realist, and thinking of every possible outcome. The crux of the matter is the only thing I do not understand.
I think Katwin may well have hit the nail on the head. Quite possibly she likes you and thinks you two may be good together, but when you put her on the spot she wasn't sure enough to give you a definite answer so groped around for something non-offensive to say to get her out of the situation. As for whether or not she was lying at either point, I don't think her having told the truth at either point, to you or your friends, is mutually exclusive to her having told the truth at the other point. It always seem easy to think about being with other people when you are comfortably cocooned within a relationship..."if I didn't have a boyfriend" is a very convenient get-out clause from really applying yourself to a statement of emotion. So perhaps when she said that to your friends, she wasn't being completely serious with herself. Quite possibly she finds you attractive, but she may not have completely thought through what she was saying back before she broke up her with her boyfriend, do you see what I'm saying? Similarly, when she told you she "hadn't thought about you that way before" maybe she wasn't being completely, 100% truthful in the sense that she had looked at you as more than a friend but that she was telling the truth in that she hadn't really thought through what it might entail to be in a relationship with you. I know it's a cop out but really the only way you're going to find out is by talking to the culprit herself. Ask her if she'd like to hang out, just you and her; get some food in, watch dvds, have a few drinks and you'll find that the conversation flows freely. Being a bit drunk is the perfect excuse to "jokingly" ask her about what she said to your friends and if she does a u-turn and completely snubs you you can save your dignity by pretending you don't remember in the morning. I think it does sound like she fancies you though so if you put her on the spot it might lead to a lot more in the heat of the moment.
Thanks Jenny.. that really helped elaborate the matter for me and puts me much more at ease.
The only problem though, is finding it out from her - I really don't wanna seem obssessive (I know I am being - but don't want her to know that lol). As I said, we always go out in groups, nothing is ever done individually.. especially not between a guy and a girl - no matter who it is (in our group anyway). So if I do ask her to do something with just the 2 of us it will be pretty obvious what my intentions are. And I'm quite a shy-ish guy.. so I can't pull off some fantastical way to get her on her own without it being suspicious.
Thanks for the advice though.. It really put my mind at ease
The only problem though, is finding it out from her - I really don't wanna seem obssessive (I know I am being - but don't want her to know that lol). As I said, we always go out in groups, nothing is ever done individually.. especially not between a guy and a girl - no matter who it is (in our group anyway). So if I do ask her to do something with just the 2 of us it will be pretty obvious what my intentions are. And I'm quite a shy-ish guy.. so I can't pull off some fantastical way to get her on her own without it being suspicious.
Thanks for the advice though.. It really put my mind at ease
but she DID say that to my friends (these are my closest friends)..
Been reading through the posts and what Jennysaid could definately be a possibility. But bearing in mind what u said above..and this is only a suggestion i could be totally wrong but melissa made a point about her knowing you like her and wanting to make sure your still attracted to her etc etc but then you said that didnt explain why she said that to your closest friends, which is exactly the point, would she not have known that since they're your closest friends that they would tell you what she said..
that would mean she has you believing she likes you to make sure your still interested in her..if you get me.though that is all just an idea, just trying to see it from all angles and answer the question you asked. hope that helps any, if you think she really does like you then go with your instincts you know her betterthan anyone on here!
latot
Thanks Jenny.. that really helped elaborate the matter for me and puts me much more at ease.
The only problem though, is finding it out from her - I really don't wanna seem obssessive (I know I am being - but don't want her to know that lol). As I said, we always go out in groups, nothing is ever done individually.. especially not between a guy and a girl - no matter who it is (in our group anyway). So if I do ask her to do something with just the 2 of us it will be pretty obvious what my intentions are. And I'm quite a shy-ish guy.. so I can't pull off some fantastical way to get her on her own without it being suspicious.
Thanks for the advice though.. It really put my mind at ease
The only problem though, is finding it out from her - I really don't wanna seem obssessive (I know I am being - but don't want her to know that lol). As I said, we always go out in groups, nothing is ever done individually.. especially not between a guy and a girl - no matter who it is (in our group anyway). So if I do ask her to do something with just the 2 of us it will be pretty obvious what my intentions are. And I'm quite a shy-ish guy.. so I can't pull off some fantastical way to get her on her own without it being suspicious.
Thanks for the advice though.. It really put my mind at ease
Suspicious is a funny choice of word... I think you need to get over your paranoia a little. Surely if you already told her how you feel, she must know you like her? You have nothing to lose by asking her to hang out with you by yourselves. If you really think it will be obvious what your intentions are then maybe say something jokey like "I won't try and pounce on you, I just want to hang out and chat". And if you think about it, if you're so sure that by asking her to hang out with you on your own, it will be glaringly obvious what you're trying to do, then you can be pretty well assured that if she says yes to hanging out with you, she likes you too? If she says no to hanging out individually then you have your answer to whether or not she likes you enough to go out with you, and you can cover it up by suggesting quickly that you all go out as a group instead.
hayles101
...melissa made a point about her knowing you like her and wanting to make sure your still attracted to her etc etc but then you said that didnt explain why she said that to your closest friends, which is exactly the point, would she not have known that since they're your closest friends that they would tell you what she said..
that would mean she has you believing she likes you to make sure your still interested in her..
that would mean she has you believing she likes you to make sure your still interested in her..
hmm.. I'm not saying it isn't possible.. but I highly doubt she'd do something like that.. she's really seen as the kind of mother figure of the group - the one that you can go to when you need help; she's really quite sympathetic.. also, I doubt she would have known that he would have told me (referencing one person in particular) - it was said as more of an added comment whilst comforting said friend - not somethign she brought up herself to say to him.
Jennybean
Suspicious is a funny choice of word... I think you need to get over your paranoia a little. Surely if you already told her how you feel, she must know you like her? You have nothing to lose by asking her to hang out with you by yourselves. If you really think it will be obvious what your intentions are then maybe say something jokey like "I won't try and pounce on you, I just want to hang out and chat". And if you think about it, if you're so sure that by asking her to hang out with you on your own, it will be glaringly obvious what you're trying to do, then you can be pretty well assured that if she says yes to hanging out with you, she likes you too? If she says no to hanging out individually then you have your answer to whether or not she likes you enough to go out with you, and you can cover it up by suggesting quickly that you all go out as a group instead.
Hmm.. you know what? I like your theory about if she agrees to hang out with me individually.. again it's not necessarily true - but it's one way of looking at it. The qualm that I had was that nobody in our group really hangs out individually, and would be strange if we did - but as I was writing this very message I came up with an idea: what do you think? (idea below)
My idea is to ask her out individually to get a cup of coffee or something (as suggested).. and if she asks why (which I'm pretty sure she will) then I can tell her something like "We're always around in a group and makes it hard to talk on a more personal basis..." - although I can't think of a finishing sentence to that..
Any ideas of what I could say? 'cos to be honest - we really don't know each other THAT well.. like I said, it's always in groups, and the talk is usually very non-personal
Again though, Thanks for all the help, I really do appreciate it
EDIT: Was talking to a friend at the same time as posting this.. came up with a further idea of how to get her on her own..
I text her sometime (like in a week or two) and ask if she'd like to meet up for lunch or coffee or something... she'll obviously get suspicious and more than likely ask me why (i doubt she'd go further than to ask why) and i'll reply saying "We're always around in a group and makes it hard to talk on a more personal basis - i'd just like to get to know you a little better".. if that doesn't sway her.. then i'll have to think on my toes.. if she simply says 'no' then i'll reply saying something like "that's okay.. is it because you think i'm asking you out as something other than a friend?" or something like that.. and if she says something else.. well ill have to deal with it then.
latot
PS: Sorry for the extremely long post, but I thought it would help anyone who can help clarfiy if i provided a clear picture of the back-story and the situation. thanks in advance.
PS: Sorry for the extremely long post, but I thought it would help anyone who can help clarfiy if i provided a clear picture of the back-story and the situation. thanks in advance.
sorry mate, but tbh I think she definitely isn't interested in you, i know that sometimes i act more flirtatiously around men i don't fancy and are just friends, since i feel safe and its just a bit of fun, and if a guy i liked told me he was interested, the last thing i would say is that i never thought of him like that , thats just like saying she'll never be interested, not even giving a reason like she's not over some1 etc,
I bet she really fancies you but bottled out of admitting it.
Give her time. Be her friend. All that crap. Just keep up a level of flirting to let her know you are still interested and then leave the rest to her.
Give her time. Be her friend. All that crap. Just keep up a level of flirting to let her know you are still interested and then leave the rest to her.
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