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Long distance relationships - more pain than they're worth?

I was with my boyfriend for about a year but we split up last summer. I was about to go on a year abroad, and he wasn't sure he cared enough about me for it to work, or that he still loved me. I went away and we pretty much lost all contact for the first couple of months I was away.

I went back to England to visit a friend and he was there, as were all my old friends from uni, and we had the most amazing weekend, during which time he told me he was still in love me, he was such a fool for thinking it wouldn't work, he hadn't stopped thinking about me since I left etc etc, and he would do anything to have another chance with me.

We didn't actually get back together, but we started talking again on msn, emails and texts etc and we met up when I was home for Christmas. It's always nice to see him, but it feels strange now. It's like I distanced myself from him somehow when we weren't speaking, I'd nearly got over him and I can't let myself trust him again.

I miss him a lot and I think about him every day, but since he told me he still liked me I've enjoyed my year abroad a whole lot less - I'd started a whole new life here and made lots of friends and was having a good time but now I just keep wondering if I was happier with him and all my old friends back at uni last year. I just spoke to him on msn and it was horrible, I still like him and not being able to be with him just makes me miserable all the time. A part of me wonders if it would just be easier to try and forget him altogether, because every time I talk to him I just miss him even more.

So anyway, the point of this post is, is it sometimes better to just not bother with a long-distance relationship - telling someone you care about you don't think it's worth trying will hurt, but maybe it'll work out as less hurt in the long-term. I know that when we were split up, I got on fine, so I know I could do it again. I know none of you know him or me, but any help would be appreciated. What would you do?

Reply 1

Montrose

That's a toughie. Erm, long distant relationships, I have a few friends who have done it and most of them have just about survived. It will only work if all parties involved are totally committed, and by the sounds of it you have doubts, so maybe a relationship with him wouldn't be the best thing. On the otherhand, I definitely would keep in contact with him.

Reply 2

Snowfall

Well doesn't it all depend on how you feel about him? I'm on a year abroad too, and I'm in a long distance relationship. We would never have considered breaking up over this reason (we'd been together just over a year before I went on my year abroad) as we were and still are really, really into each other. Although it is difficult at times, it's definitely worth it, in my situation. Now with yours, you need to think about whether you want a relationship with him or not, not just think about the fact that you (might) miss him. It's only natural to miss people and home, but it doesnt mean to say that you have to enjoy your year abroad any less. You can still go out and have fun with your friends. Sure, I think that, to be completely honest, I would be happier being back at uni nearer to my boyfriend and living with my best friends, but it's not a reason to give up on my year abroad, or make myself feel miserable, or purposefully have less fun.

Whether a long distance relationship is worth it or not, totally depends on the relationship. Do you really WANT to get back together with him? Is the relationship worth it? Did you have a good relationship before? Do you think he really will be committed to a long distance relationship?

When are you on your year abroad until? I've got til June. Maybe if you're unsure, it might be worth staying friends for now and then see how it goes when you get back? I think at this point, you're going to miss him either way - whether you get back together or not. It's likely that you'll miss him even more if you get back together, and that it will change the daily routine of your 'new life'. Mind you saying that, just because you get back together, doesnt mean that you have to talk every day and be in constant contact, and therefore might only be a minute change in your life.

Hm..well I dont think that helped you much, sorry. Ended up a bit confusing!

If you want to, feel free to PM me since we're sort of in a similar situation (of being abroad and missing people!)

Reply 3

bewithoutyou

I feel for you here and I wish I could offer some advice, but I'm about as confused as you are. My boyfriend and I ended our long distance relationship a couple of weeks ago after a year and a half together (I'm at uni, he's 130 miles away). We ended it hugging and crying and telling each other how much we love each other, but the distance had put a huge strain on us and we felt things weren't working out.

I can't stop wondering if we did the right thing, though. As difficult as a long distance relationship was, being without him is so much harder. I don't know whether to ride it out and wait for the pain to get easier in time, or whether to try for a reconciliation and take the chance that it'll either be wonderful or that it'll hurt both of us more in the long run. We're 'staying friends' because we still get on so well, and I'm meeting up him this week when I go home to see family, and I guess I'll see how that goes.

In your situation, maybe try and put him out of your head and enjoy the rest of your year abroad: there's not much you can do at the moment as either decision is going to be difficult, so focus on the good bits of your once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Then, when you get back to England later this year, meet up with him again and see how both of you are feeling. If it's meant to be, it'll be; and if you get over him in the meantime, so be it. (Now if only I could take my own advice...).

I do know how difficult this is though, so please PM me if you want to talk. Good luck xxx

Reply 4

pikaboo

Hmmm. A long-distance relationship in the long-term isn't much fun, especially after about a year once the novelty's worn off. This is why you see so many long-distance couples breaking up after a while at uni. If you can see a definite and realistic end in sight however - a real commitment where both of you will know you won't be apart forever - then I imagine it will be a lot easier.

Reply 5

socialist cook

I'm in the same position as Snowfall, on my year abroad too and in a long distance relationship. So I'd agree with everything she's said. Yes there are ups and downs but for me and for my boyfriend we both think it's worth it still even though it is challenging at times.

Reply 6

Snowfall

Socialist Cook: just wanted to say that I'm actually practically down the road from you in Caceres :smile:

Reply 7

hannah_dru

I hope this doesn't happen to my relationship when I go to uni and do a year abroad....

Reply 8

Sarky

My boyf is going to Singapore in July. I'm dreading it in a way, and i understand why people break up. You should make the most of wherever you are, being abroad is a fantastic opportunity. Of course i want my boyfriend to miss me, but i don't want him missing out on stuff because he's pining for me.

If you are still thinking about him when you get back, then maybe its something you should follow up. If he loves you like he says he does, then he'll wait for you :smile:

Reply 9

Sarky

Damn double posting......

Reply 10

aati_x

lond distant relationships are full of pain, but they r also full of laughter, care etc... and I would not give mine up for the world cos i utterly love him very much... so my advice to u, is that, if u know u love him, than stik wiv him... if ur not sure, than wait till u finish ur year abroad and see if things lift off again..
I hope everything turns out well... x

Reply 11

Anonymous #1

Thank you for all your messages! I am here until June, but then after that I'm going to France for three months. So I won't be back in England until October.

I know that if he hadn't given up on us, I would have done everything I could to keep our relationship going, it's just the fact that he really broke my heart at the end of the summer when he decided he didn't want to be with me, and hhaving this on my mind, on top of the strain of long-distance, makes me wonder if it's worth the bother. Just have to do what feels right I suppose...and keep hoping that whatever it is that feels right makes itself pretty obvious pretty soon!