my 13 year old cousin hates herself

i'm not really sure how to approach her about this, as we aren;t close and we live far away from eachother

i just logged on to msn and the tagline after her username is "I Hate Myself"

i can't just ignore this, she's obviosuly crying out for help.

2 years ago her mum died and i things have been difficult for her since then - but she doesn;t talk about it.

i really need advice - what would you say or do?

i've been clinically depressed myself so i have some insight. but when it's my cousin, i just don;t know what to do... i would be so cross if someone had told my mum or something, and i know if i tell my mum what i've just seen she won;t know what to do either. :s-smilie:

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Reply 1

Anonymous #1

when i signed back in she;d changed the tagline to "leave me alone people" and when i started a coversation she changed it to nothing.
i talked to her about the "i hate myself", and she said she had just been having a bad day the other day and forgot to change it.

i don't know if i should accept this and leave it alone... maybe she would be better off talking to her friends about her problems anyway - i mean if she changed her tag to "leave me alone people" this shows maybe people had been questioning her about the "i hate myself" thing?

i dont know, am i taking the lazy route if i don't do something?

i told her she could talk to me if she ever wanted to but i doubt she;ll take me up on that.

Reply 2

Johnny 5

Do nothing.

Reply 3

Overmars

All you can do is offer to listen if she wants to talk. If she doesn't want to, there's not much you can do imo.

Reply 4

James

2 5 +

Do nothing.

Insightful advice. :biggrin:

You have to assess the severity of the situation. If you are seriously concerned that there's a problem, take action (talk to your parents for a start). Otherwise, the chances are that she just had a bad day.

Reply 5

yellow96

I've yet to meet a thirteen year old who doesn't hate themself. I don't think there's very much you can do about it.

Reply 6

crema

She is 13. Most teens go through the phaze of hating themselves and want to be left alone to wallow in their teenage angst. You shouldn't read too much on MSN user names, just be there and support if she wants to talk about it. Maybe you could ask her out for a shopping trip/movie/something fun and try to connect with her, maybe then she would find it easier to talk with you.

Reply 7

*titanium*

Shes trying to seek attention, she may be depresed but the fact she said those things to me thats a cry for attention. You know how little kids will get upset with their parents and when their parents try and talk to them then shun them just to see how long their parents will try. In my oppinion its the once who keep it in that are a risk to themselves, its probably good that you asked whats wrong, but i dont think theres need for more, just leave it at that, to me it does not sound like shes a danger to herself, but obviously thats from what you tell me, if you know more like if she self harms or somthing, then it would be wise to take action.

Reply 8

ForumFreak

How long has her behaviour been going on for? If not so long then I'd keep and eye out for her but dont worry too much. I hated myself when I was 13, lots of 13 year olds do and most will just grow out of it.

Reply 9

HMSChocolate

13 is the worst age that you could possibly be, especially for a girl. Everyone goes through phrases of hating themselves around that age. My mother and I were at a war zone most of the time when I was 13. Your cousin might just be going through a phase. You said her mother died, does she have any siblings? I know you said you live far away from each other, maybe you could tell a relative who lives near her about it and tell them to just see if she's really got a problem or it's just a teenage moodiness.

Reply 10

super_singh

Thelfo

I've yet to meet a thirteen year old who doesn't hate themself. I don't think there's very much you can do about it.

loll thats very true mate...most 13 year olds seem to say they 'hate' themselves at one point or another

Reply 11

Anonymous #1

thank you everyone for all of your replies, it means a lot that you took the time.

hmschocolate - unfortunately the only relative who lives near her is her dad; and he's avoided the issues so far, i dont think he sees that although it may upset her in the short term, for her long term happiness he might have to talk things through with my cousin. so that wouldnt work at all.

to the people who said she might be attention seeking, or just ging through the normal teen angst - that may play a part in it, but in her situtation i just dont think it's fair to attribute it entirely to that. losing her mother must have been extremely painful for her.

disgruntledwildbeast - thank you for your detailed reply, i will definitely take your advice on board. i like your idea of a present (i'll wait a while though because i don't want to reward the negative behaviour in case it causes her to keep feeling bad so she gets attention or sympathy).

Reply 12

HeadShock

attention seeker it seems...speak to her......NOW!!!

Reply 13

Segat1

ugh 13 sucked big time. Have a chat and tell her you went through the same thing and that she can talk to you.

Reply 14

Anonymous #1

i really don't like all this "attention seeker" labelling. when i was her age, i felt so awful but i didn't tell anyone in case i was labelled an attention seeker. and it just got worse and worse. if this is her only outlet, i'm glad she gets it out some way. maybe it would be better if she had a quiet word with someone who could help her, but for whatever reason that's a lot more difficult.

losing a parent, especially suddenly and traumatically, is something that most of us can't possibly understand. so i don't think people should judge her and call her an attention seeker.

segat - i didn't tell her about my own issues because i want to seem like a stable person. maybe i should have, but the moment's passed now.

Reply 15

20083

super_singh

loll thats very true mate...most 13 year olds seem to say they 'hate' themselves at one point or another

Or every other day!

Reply 16

aleathiel

I've lost a parent, and I know that even at my age how difficult it is. My brother is 10 and he gets very moody, stroppy, says he hates himself, etc so although he hasn't reached 13 yet he's displaying that kind of behaviour which I think is linked to losing a parent not to teenage moodiness..

the thing I've found is that when people tell me I can talk to them I still don't feel that I can just go up to them and talk to them about what's bothering me, so maybe your cousin knows she can talk to you but something is stopping her?

also how much contact do you usually have with her?

Reply 17

matt@internet

Could simply be something to do with puberty and hormones.

Reply 18

generalebriety

Anonymous

i mean if she changed her tag to "leave me alone people" this shows maybe people had been questioning her about the "i hate myself" thing?

She's 13 and trying to provoke a reaction. It may be a cry for help; more likely, she's being immature, as 13-year-olds are. Why else would she be on msn if she didn't want to talk to people?

Reply 19

Anonymous #1

thank you for replying atheil - it's really useful to have your insight. i'm sorry you lost a parent, it must be tough

it's possible she still deosnt feel able to talk to me, as we don't talk that often (once a month and see eachother 2-3 times a year). i'll try to talk to her more often.

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