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Boyfriend, trapped, dilemma.
Hi. I'm nervous as hell about posting this... I keep thinking someone will work out who I am from it and things will get messy. But I need this off my chest.
Bear with me, I won't make much sense. But I'll start from the beginning.
It started when I met "some guy on the internet", through a game we both played. Things were just boring with my current boyfriend of the time and it was nice to have someone to chat with. It was completely innocent, just a friend to chat with... he was engaged to someone else at the time!
Then time passed, and we had become quite close. He was like my older brother and shoulder to cry on. I was so insecure and he was like my rock. Then he changed things, and revealed he had broken up with his finance and was in love with me. He knew that at that time things with my boyfriend were rough and coming to an end. He said that he found talking to me hard because he knew that I was with someone else and he couldn't have me.
I was at a loss, didn't know what to do. I didn't want to loss him. He was a harmless guy on the other side of the world (literally). Whats the worse that could happen. So I agreed to "date" him. Though we both thought online dating was sad. Things were pretty much the same when we were "dating". He would constant say how he would move over here as soon as he could, that we could live together. I took it all with a pinch of salt. But alas, it happened. This guy moved to England from the other side of the world, seemingly to be with "Me".
After a lot of hiccups we had a small flat near my parents house. My parents even helped me move my stuff to this flat. It was a nice flat. Nothing chavvy about it. My sister was furious at first... he is quite a bit older than me, and I act quite young (in a naive way, not an immature way). She met him, and accepted the relationship.
There I was in this flat, suddenly having to worry about housework and bills. But he paid for everything, and everything was good for a while. He didn't have a job, but he has savings and I continued to work. I stopped seeing my friends since college had ended and he hated me going out without him but never wanted to go out anywhere, but still saw people through work and I was relativly happy. But I was living with someone I hardly really knew. I felt pressured into everything. We rarely had sex because I made excuses and said it hurt etc. I could hardly bare him touching me at all.
Then, it was A level results day. A day I'd be waiting for for ages. Much to everyones surprise (since I never went to college) I got into my firm choice. I'd always wanted to go to university and was over the moon! But then come a dilemma... the "boyfriend" I had in tow. I had been looking at halls for ages, made my applications, got into the halls I wanted etc. I really wanted to go into halls. My parents were away at this point and we were house sitting and looking after the pets.
My boyfriend asked what I wanted to do... he suggested we get private accomdation near the university. At first I said halls. He blanked me for two days, and then started saying **** about going to work in Iraq with his uncle diffusing bombs. Saying the usual "i just want you to be happy, if its what you want then I'll call my uncle". Proper guilt tripping. I didn't think he could get private accomdation sorted out before uni started, especially considering I was a student with next to no income and he was a foreign national with no credit history etc. I agreed that if he got something sorted for us within two weeks, we'd go down the private accomdation route.
Amazingly, he found somewhere that we could get. At first my parents or sister were going to guarentor but then we paid 4 months up front with the premises of paying the remaining 2 months (of the 6 month lease) at the end of the first month. He promised me he'd get a job. That he'd look after me. That money wouldn't be an issue.
We moved in, and its a pretty nice place. I started uni, but really just didn't feel like I fitted in. Everyone made friends from their halls etc. I just knew two people on my course. I went out to a uni night, again without him, but knew nobody and am too shy to just make friends especially since i wasnt "allowed" to drink.
Everyone was in their hall tshirts, having a great time. I was lonely and depressed. As time passed, we still never went out, he still didnt have a job, and money was tight. The 2 months remaining rent hadn't be paid (they havent asked for it still). Luckily I had students loans, and overdraft to keep us going and I got a job and worked the weekends and days in the Xmas holidays. 4 months later he finally has a temp job, with fairly good pay.
We were meant to go out tonight, but ended up not and he didnt understand when I got upset when 10 minutes after we were meant to live, he turned around and say we werent going after all.
Things like housework are a nightmare. He refuses to do anything except cooking. And then most nights he wants fish n chips, take away etc. He moans at me constantly about the front room being a mess (which it is) but he doesn't understand that between my job and university i dont have much spare time. Sex life is still non existant. I keep him happy with a hand job every other day or so.... i dont want a sex life with him. We still never go out.
I look at the other students with their friends and halls. Every time I have to walk 20 minutes to campus I can feel my self hating him. I'm living with someone I can barely stand. He's arrogant, and thinks he is so cool and just mister right, can never do anything wrong.
I feel so trapped. All the time I think I leaving him. There are spaced in halls, but theres so many problems. Theres the financial side of things... all our money is in the same account, I don't even know what money is mine etc. We probably have put the same amount of money into things (the money he spent at the start before uni, and the money i have put into it now at uni). Not too mention he did move to this country just for me! He has no friends/family here, no where he could go. Everything here is basically mine except things like his clothes and cooking stuff that he bought.
We always say to each other that we love the other. I dont know if I do love him.
God, I have no idea what the **** to do. I'm so incredibly unhappy. I am hating university. I feel like I have no friends. I'm struggling on my course because of all the other commitments to work and stuff.
This isn't what I expected from university at all. I wanted to go out and party, get drunk loads have casual sex! I'm half joking there. I didnt want to have a mile trek to university every day in my first year. I just want a normal student life. I feel so trapped and unhappy... i dont feel like i can talk about it at all with him. I don't think he is happy, but he hasnt said anything.I wanted uni to be a new me, new experiances meeting new people. but its been just like college.
theres so much i havent put into here. i just dont know how to write it all down. I feel so lost. all of this and i still dont want to hurt him. i have no idea what to do.
Bear with me, I won't make much sense. But I'll start from the beginning.
It started when I met "some guy on the internet", through a game we both played. Things were just boring with my current boyfriend of the time and it was nice to have someone to chat with. It was completely innocent, just a friend to chat with... he was engaged to someone else at the time!
Then time passed, and we had become quite close. He was like my older brother and shoulder to cry on. I was so insecure and he was like my rock. Then he changed things, and revealed he had broken up with his finance and was in love with me. He knew that at that time things with my boyfriend were rough and coming to an end. He said that he found talking to me hard because he knew that I was with someone else and he couldn't have me.
I was at a loss, didn't know what to do. I didn't want to loss him. He was a harmless guy on the other side of the world (literally). Whats the worse that could happen. So I agreed to "date" him. Though we both thought online dating was sad. Things were pretty much the same when we were "dating". He would constant say how he would move over here as soon as he could, that we could live together. I took it all with a pinch of salt. But alas, it happened. This guy moved to England from the other side of the world, seemingly to be with "Me".
After a lot of hiccups we had a small flat near my parents house. My parents even helped me move my stuff to this flat. It was a nice flat. Nothing chavvy about it. My sister was furious at first... he is quite a bit older than me, and I act quite young (in a naive way, not an immature way). She met him, and accepted the relationship.
There I was in this flat, suddenly having to worry about housework and bills. But he paid for everything, and everything was good for a while. He didn't have a job, but he has savings and I continued to work. I stopped seeing my friends since college had ended and he hated me going out without him but never wanted to go out anywhere, but still saw people through work and I was relativly happy. But I was living with someone I hardly really knew. I felt pressured into everything. We rarely had sex because I made excuses and said it hurt etc. I could hardly bare him touching me at all.
Then, it was A level results day. A day I'd be waiting for for ages. Much to everyones surprise (since I never went to college) I got into my firm choice. I'd always wanted to go to university and was over the moon! But then come a dilemma... the "boyfriend" I had in tow. I had been looking at halls for ages, made my applications, got into the halls I wanted etc. I really wanted to go into halls. My parents were away at this point and we were house sitting and looking after the pets.
My boyfriend asked what I wanted to do... he suggested we get private accomdation near the university. At first I said halls. He blanked me for two days, and then started saying **** about going to work in Iraq with his uncle diffusing bombs. Saying the usual "i just want you to be happy, if its what you want then I'll call my uncle". Proper guilt tripping. I didn't think he could get private accomdation sorted out before uni started, especially considering I was a student with next to no income and he was a foreign national with no credit history etc. I agreed that if he got something sorted for us within two weeks, we'd go down the private accomdation route.
Amazingly, he found somewhere that we could get. At first my parents or sister were going to guarentor but then we paid 4 months up front with the premises of paying the remaining 2 months (of the 6 month lease) at the end of the first month. He promised me he'd get a job. That he'd look after me. That money wouldn't be an issue.
We moved in, and its a pretty nice place. I started uni, but really just didn't feel like I fitted in. Everyone made friends from their halls etc. I just knew two people on my course. I went out to a uni night, again without him, but knew nobody and am too shy to just make friends especially since i wasnt "allowed" to drink.
Everyone was in their hall tshirts, having a great time. I was lonely and depressed. As time passed, we still never went out, he still didnt have a job, and money was tight. The 2 months remaining rent hadn't be paid (they havent asked for it still). Luckily I had students loans, and overdraft to keep us going and I got a job and worked the weekends and days in the Xmas holidays. 4 months later he finally has a temp job, with fairly good pay.
We were meant to go out tonight, but ended up not and he didnt understand when I got upset when 10 minutes after we were meant to live, he turned around and say we werent going after all.
Things like housework are a nightmare. He refuses to do anything except cooking. And then most nights he wants fish n chips, take away etc. He moans at me constantly about the front room being a mess (which it is) but he doesn't understand that between my job and university i dont have much spare time. Sex life is still non existant. I keep him happy with a hand job every other day or so.... i dont want a sex life with him. We still never go out.
I look at the other students with their friends and halls. Every time I have to walk 20 minutes to campus I can feel my self hating him. I'm living with someone I can barely stand. He's arrogant, and thinks he is so cool and just mister right, can never do anything wrong.
I feel so trapped. All the time I think I leaving him. There are spaced in halls, but theres so many problems. Theres the financial side of things... all our money is in the same account, I don't even know what money is mine etc. We probably have put the same amount of money into things (the money he spent at the start before uni, and the money i have put into it now at uni). Not too mention he did move to this country just for me! He has no friends/family here, no where he could go. Everything here is basically mine except things like his clothes and cooking stuff that he bought.
We always say to each other that we love the other. I dont know if I do love him.
God, I have no idea what the **** to do. I'm so incredibly unhappy. I am hating university. I feel like I have no friends. I'm struggling on my course because of all the other commitments to work and stuff.
This isn't what I expected from university at all. I wanted to go out and party, get drunk loads have casual sex! I'm half joking there. I didnt want to have a mile trek to university every day in my first year. I just want a normal student life. I feel so trapped and unhappy... i dont feel like i can talk about it at all with him. I don't think he is happy, but he hasnt said anything.I wanted uni to be a new me, new experiances meeting new people. but its been just like college.
theres so much i havent put into here. i just dont know how to write it all down. I feel so lost. all of this and i still dont want to hurt him. i have no idea what to do.
Scroll to see replies
Reply 1
Oh dear 
You've got a lot of seperate problems all intertwined. As far as I can see these are:
1) Missing out on uni life
2) Trapped in relationship - just moved to this country etc
3) Doesn't know people
4) Money worries
5) Controlling Partner?
6) Not willing to help out
And probably some others. so I'll deal with it in that order.
1) This, especially combined with 5) is a difficult situation. You are, as you say, missing out on uni life. And this is affecting how you feel about your partner. You have been made to grow up quickly and that is hard. Have you told him this is how you feel?
2) As difficult as it is, if you are honestly not happy you should not force yourself to stay with him, no matter how much he has sacrificed
3) You may feel a little better if you got to know people a bit more. How well do you know the neighbours?Did you join any societies?
4) This is a biggie. Not paying rent is not good and could have serious consequences. If you can't afford to pay it, your uni may have access to grants etc to help you out for the time being. Explain to your partner the difficulty you are n and that he needs to start stumping up some money. You may want to consider opening your own bank account as well, with enough money in it that you can cope if anything happens.
5) It seems like he is quite controlling over you. Do not allow this just because he is older than you. Your relationship should be on an equal basis.
6) Tell him that if he's not going to be the breadwinner he has to get doing the housework. You are obviously busy and he doesn't seem to realise this. When you go out in the morning ask him to do one thing for you for when you come back. e.g. hover the front room. Ask him nicely and maybe in time he'll start doing stuff off his own back.
You've got a lot of seperate problems all intertwined. As far as I can see these are:
1) Missing out on uni life
2) Trapped in relationship - just moved to this country etc
3) Doesn't know people
4) Money worries
5) Controlling Partner?
6) Not willing to help out
And probably some others. so I'll deal with it in that order.
1) This, especially combined with 5) is a difficult situation. You are, as you say, missing out on uni life. And this is affecting how you feel about your partner. You have been made to grow up quickly and that is hard. Have you told him this is how you feel?
2) As difficult as it is, if you are honestly not happy you should not force yourself to stay with him, no matter how much he has sacrificed
3) You may feel a little better if you got to know people a bit more. How well do you know the neighbours?Did you join any societies?
4) This is a biggie. Not paying rent is not good and could have serious consequences. If you can't afford to pay it, your uni may have access to grants etc to help you out for the time being. Explain to your partner the difficulty you are n and that he needs to start stumping up some money. You may want to consider opening your own bank account as well, with enough money in it that you can cope if anything happens.
5) It seems like he is quite controlling over you. Do not allow this just because he is older than you. Your relationship should be on an equal basis.
6) Tell him that if he's not going to be the breadwinner he has to get doing the housework. You are obviously busy and he doesn't seem to realise this. When you go out in the morning ask him to do one thing for you for when you come back. e.g. hover the front room. Ask him nicely and maybe in time he'll start doing stuff off his own back.
Reply 2
Gosh, that sounds like a very difficult situation to be in.
If you are really unhappy with this person and you know it cannot last, then you have to start moving your own ways. It's obviously the harder thing to do, but better. I'm sure he realises too that your relationship isn't exactly great. Do what is right for you just now. Like he moved to England alone, he can move to another place if he needs to.
It's probably going to be difficult but you have to say to him that you are unhappy and that you want out of this relationship. Also try to calculate your finances so you can give him what is his and what he needs to go his own way, and the rest is yours because iirc it is your account.
Although I wouldn't throw him out on the streets, he does some capable of managing by himself if you wanted to split.
You are straining yourself mentally and financially, possibly physically from having such a busy week. Do not prolong this, for your own health.
Also, I am sure there are professionals that can give you practical advice on what to do, although I can't pinpoint one.
May I ask which country he is from?
If you are really unhappy with this person and you know it cannot last, then you have to start moving your own ways. It's obviously the harder thing to do, but better. I'm sure he realises too that your relationship isn't exactly great. Do what is right for you just now. Like he moved to England alone, he can move to another place if he needs to.
It's probably going to be difficult but you have to say to him that you are unhappy and that you want out of this relationship. Also try to calculate your finances so you can give him what is his and what he needs to go his own way, and the rest is yours because iirc it is your account.
Although I wouldn't throw him out on the streets, he does some capable of managing by himself if you wanted to split.
You are straining yourself mentally and financially, possibly physically from having such a busy week. Do not prolong this, for your own health.
Also, I am sure there are professionals that can give you practical advice on what to do, although I can't pinpoint one.
May I ask which country he is from?
Reply 3
Also, I am sure there are professionals that can give you practical advice on what to do, although I can't pinpoint one.
Citizens Advice Bureau is always a good place to start. They have access to a program called AdviserNet which will be able to answer any questions about finance, his status etc as well as being able to refer you to any other agency which could help.
Reply 4
14
I think a lot of people will say this, and obviously it won't be easy, but you REALLY need to get out of this 'relationship'. Seriously why are you still in it? There is absolutely nothing holding you there apart from the fact that you don't want to 'abandon' him. But you don't owe him anything!!! You never asked him to move over here and he can't expect you to drop everything for him.
Seriously, see if you can still get into halls (there's always people dropping out) and try and make a fresh start. Why do you let him control what you do? Like I said - you don't 'owe' him anything. Get out before its too late. Its pretty obvious that theres no future in the relationship and you're just prolonging your own hurt by staying in it.
Seriously, see if you can still get into halls (there's always people dropping out) and try and make a fresh start. Why do you let him control what you do? Like I said - you don't 'owe' him anything. Get out before its too late. Its pretty obvious that theres no future in the relationship and you're just prolonging your own hurt by staying in it.
Reply 5
I don't have time to write a long post, but seriosuly... get out before it's too late. Get into halls. Live like a student and have a life you can enjoy.
It's hard taking the first step to move on but once you have you will be so grateful. And don't feel guilty about it.
Good luck
x
It's hard taking the first step to move on but once you have you will be so grateful. And don't feel guilty about it.
Good luck
xReply 6
"I'm living with someone I can barely stand. He's arrogant, and thinks he is so cool and just mister right, can never do anything wrong." - if you are like this after such a short time period, clearly he isn't the one for you, and so I would say get out of the relationship as soon as possible, I'm not going to give you advice on how to keep it going. Everyone makes mistakes, it happens, there is absolutely nothing forcing you to stay with this guy though. We are quite a long distance into the uni year, if I was in your position, with few friends and mounting work, I would go talk to your uni and ask for the rest of the year off and start fresh next year, living in halls. That way you will be able to make the friends you want. You are making yourself really unhappy at the moment, but there is no reason for you to keep living like that. As for your boyfriend, move out is my opinion, is it possible for you to live with your parents or sister or whoever for like 8 months until the beginning of uni starts? And the money, well, depending on how nice this person is I can see that being lost, with the joint account and all, but if you work for the next 8 months you will easily have enough money to support yourself at uni. Play it strategically in my opinion, strike at the right moment..
Reply 7
15
No you don't love him - and there's nothing wrong with that. By the sounds of things, he's a complete jerk and way too controlling. If you loved him, you'd wanna be with him and you would want physical contact with him. Like, I'm always so happy when my boyfriend hugs me and gives me little kisses. And you can barely stand the guy touching you and being with you - so no, he's not the right guy for you and you don't love him. And to be fair, by the sounds of things, he doesn't love you either. He's just looking for a naive young girl whom he can control.
The guy doesn't sound like the sort who would do anything extreme if you broke up with him, and you've always got your family backing you up. If it makes things easier - commute for a while. Break up with this guy - you cannot stay with someone just to spare their feelings. You need to get out of this NOW - he's making your life a misery and you're too young for all this. It's almost like you're married to this man whom you do not love - and at your age you should be enjoying your uni life, making lots of new friends and maturing and learning as an individual, not worry about housework and bills. Your family will back you up in this - if it makes things easier at all, get back to your family for a short while, then try and get into halls. There're always spare rooms, start joining some societies and make some new friends. If your bf guilt-trips you and says he's gonna go disfuse bombs with his uncle - let him.
You're meant to be having the time of your life here honey Don't let one guy ruin it for you - you're not married to this guy. You have no obligation to stay with him. People break up all the time when they realise they're not right for each other - nothing wrong with that. Don't let his feelings stop you leaving him and make yourself miserable.
And as Alisama said - you can always talk to your uni and ask for a year's suspension and restart in full next year. One of my housemate's done that due to personal reasons, but she's now suspended her 2nd year to sort things out and she's returning this Sep to restart her 2nd year. Again, nothing wrong with that - that's just a very smart and realistic thing to do. She knew she couldn't cope with everything she needed to, so she takes a good, realistic action. It's difficult. But in the long run, it'll be better for her.
The guy doesn't sound like the sort who would do anything extreme if you broke up with him, and you've always got your family backing you up. If it makes things easier - commute for a while. Break up with this guy - you cannot stay with someone just to spare their feelings. You need to get out of this NOW - he's making your life a misery and you're too young for all this. It's almost like you're married to this man whom you do not love - and at your age you should be enjoying your uni life, making lots of new friends and maturing and learning as an individual, not worry about housework and bills. Your family will back you up in this - if it makes things easier at all, get back to your family for a short while, then try and get into halls. There're always spare rooms, start joining some societies and make some new friends. If your bf guilt-trips you and says he's gonna go disfuse bombs with his uncle - let him.
You're meant to be having the time of your life here honey
Don't let one guy ruin it for you - you're not married to this guy. You have no obligation to stay with him. People break up all the time when they realise they're not right for each other - nothing wrong with that. Don't let his feelings stop you leaving him and make yourself miserable. And as Alisama said - you can always talk to your uni and ask for a year's suspension and restart in full next year. One of my housemate's done that due to personal reasons, but she's now suspended her 2nd year to sort things out and she's returning this Sep to restart her 2nd year. Again, nothing wrong with that - that's just a very smart and realistic thing to do. She knew she couldn't cope with everything she needed to, so she takes a good, realistic action. It's difficult. But in the long run, it'll be better for her.
Reply 8
It's not something that's going to work. I think that the fairest thing to do is be blunt with you. You don't even like the guy, he's stopping you from achieving your desires, and if you continue to stay with him, things will stay the same.
It doesn't matter that he moved all this way. If he managed to do that, then he can manage to move back.
If you really really want to have a normal student life and without any ties, then do it now while you still have some time left, because this is something you won't be able to do later.
Also, if you can't even stand to touch the guy then I think it speaks volumes about your true feelings for him.
It's hard to do, and might even seem impossible, but sometimes you have to be selfish to save yourself (speaking from experience). Stand your ground and don't listen to any blackmail. It's your life, and you need to take control of it again. Good luck :-)
It doesn't matter that he moved all this way. If he managed to do that, then he can manage to move back.
If you really really want to have a normal student life and without any ties, then do it now while you still have some time left, because this is something you won't be able to do later.
Also, if you can't even stand to touch the guy then I think it speaks volumes about your true feelings for him.
It's hard to do, and might even seem impossible, but sometimes you have to be selfish to save yourself (speaking from experience). Stand your ground and don't listen to any blackmail. It's your life, and you need to take control of it again. Good luck :-)
Reply 9
As has been said;
This is your life, your happiness. He came here out of his own choice, you didn't make him. But he is forcing himself onto you. You resent him and hate your life. You won't even get intimate with him! This says a lot about your attitude towards him.
Take control. Sort things out first, get your money out of the joint account, sort new accomodation out etc. Then, sit him down and tell him that it is over and what the reasons are.
Tbh, he sounds like a pretty oppressive, scary guy. Please, for your own sake, get out now. Can you bare to like with him for the rest of your life? Things seem rock bottom now, so if you can't muster the motivation now, you are going to be stuck.
Just out of interest, how old is he and where is he from? PM me if you don't want to say here.
This is your life, your happiness. He came here out of his own choice, you didn't make him. But he is forcing himself onto you. You resent him and hate your life. You won't even get intimate with him! This says a lot about your attitude towards him.
Take control. Sort things out first, get your money out of the joint account, sort new accomodation out etc. Then, sit him down and tell him that it is over and what the reasons are.
Tbh, he sounds like a pretty oppressive, scary guy. Please, for your own sake, get out now. Can you bare to like with him for the rest of your life? Things seem rock bottom now, so if you can't muster the motivation now, you are going to be stuck.
Just out of interest, how old is he and where is he from? PM me if you don't want to say here.
Reply 10
There's no reason for you to stay with him, not really. Do it now, i think the longer you're together the harder it will be.
He's broken off an engagement before, so don't feel bad about ending it with him.
I think you should talk to your parents or sister and explain to them what's happening first so you have support. I'm sure you'll feel better once you've spoken to them.
He's broken off an engagement before, so don't feel bad about ending it with him.
I think you should talk to your parents or sister and explain to them what's happening first so you have support. I'm sure you'll feel better once you've spoken to them.
Reply 11
alisama
"I'm living with someone I can barely stand. He's arrogant, and thinks he is so cool and just mister right, can never do anything wrong." - if you are like this after such a short time period, clearly he isn't the one for you, and so I would say get out of the relationship as soon as possible, I'm not going to give you advice on how to keep it going. Everyone makes mistakes, it happens, there is absolutely nothing forcing you to stay with this guy though. We are quite a long distance into the uni year, if I was in your position, with few friends and mounting work, I would go talk to your uni and ask for the rest of the year off and start fresh next year, living in halls. That way you will be able to make the friends you want. You are making yourself really unhappy at the moment, but there is no reason for you to keep living like that. As for your boyfriend, move out is my opinion, is it possible for you to live with your parents or sister or whoever for like 8 months until the beginning of uni starts? And the money, well, depending on how nice this person is I can see that being lost, with the joint account and all, but if you work for the next 8 months you will easily have enough money to support yourself at uni. Play it strategically in my opinion, strike at the right moment..
^ I think this is really good advice
Reply 12
Sweetheart this man is really wasting your life - and your youth. Once it has gone you will never get it back. My initial thought when reading your post was, if I were you, I'd tell him it's over; then I'd make arrangements to move into halls. I'd give him what I owe him and leave. Your life is far too precious to be so unhappy for the sake of inconveniencing somebody who treats you so badly. But of course, that's very easy for me to say. This man sounds very controlling of you.
You say you feel as though you barely know this man, you say you feel frightened that he may found out that you posted here. I think a part of you is scared of him. Everything you have done so far is to conform to what he wants at the cost of making you emotionally and financially unstable, not to mention tarring your university experience, which should have been your first real taste of independent freedom.
You are not happy and you will not be happy until you end this relationship. Universities often help students with financial problems and perhaps you could ask your parents for a little help too, if you explain how you really feel about this man.
It all just sounds so wrong to me. I appreciate it's hard hun but you have to take into account that someone has to be pretty desperate to move to the other side of the world to live with somebody they've never met. It may be worth re-assessing what his intentions really are. You sound desperately unhappy and its just so terrible.
You need to leave this guy and soon. You will regret it eternally if you don't.
Feel free to PM me for a chat anytime.
You say you feel as though you barely know this man, you say you feel frightened that he may found out that you posted here. I think a part of you is scared of him. Everything you have done so far is to conform to what he wants at the cost of making you emotionally and financially unstable, not to mention tarring your university experience, which should have been your first real taste of independent freedom.
You are not happy and you will not be happy until you end this relationship. Universities often help students with financial problems and perhaps you could ask your parents for a little help too, if you explain how you really feel about this man.
It all just sounds so wrong to me. I appreciate it's hard hun but you have to take into account that someone has to be pretty desperate to move to the other side of the world to live with somebody they've never met. It may be worth re-assessing what his intentions really are. You sound desperately unhappy and its just so terrible.
You need to leave this guy and soon. You will regret it eternally if you don't.
Feel free to PM me for a chat anytime.
Reply 13
what they all said. are there no financial advisors you can talk to at uni about the money side of it?
Reply 14
19
Ohhhh dear. I would definitely talk to someone at your uni about the financial side of it as well as the Citizens' Advice Bureau. They'll be able to help you into halls and (I hope) see that you get back any money you're entitled to on the basis of what you've contributed to the relationship financially. I'm sure you won't have any trouble making friends once you're in halls - if you tell people your history I'm sure they'll be understanding.
Reply 15
Thank you for the advise everyone. Its what I knew I would hear but was too afraid to tell myself. Its all really really scary. I cant thank you all enough for taking the time to read my post and reply.
There are vacancies in the halls, one of my friends flatmates are moving out... so it would be an ideal place to go to. I'm going to email the warden and see if what can happen with it.
Financially, thinking about it, they are quite clearly cut... the only money of his that has ever gone into that account is his wages, and I can work out that exact amount. I will probably need help from my parents etc because I've had to pay the rent/bills for the last few months out of my wages and loans.
I don't think I've got the guts to leave uni and restart next academic year. I'll see how the exams go, just finished them. If I have scrapped passes I'll be happy and can then just concentrate on second semester, im lucky to not have any continuation modules so its all starting out afresh.
There are vacancies in the halls, one of my friends flatmates are moving out... so it would be an ideal place to go to. I'm going to email the warden and see if what can happen with it.
Financially, thinking about it, they are quite clearly cut... the only money of his that has ever gone into that account is his wages, and I can work out that exact amount. I will probably need help from my parents etc because I've had to pay the rent/bills for the last few months out of my wages and loans.
I don't think I've got the guts to leave uni and restart next academic year. I'll see how the exams go, just finished them. If I have scrapped passes I'll be happy and can then just concentrate on second semester, im lucky to not have any continuation modules so its all starting out afresh.
Reply 16
just leave him..sort out any money problems before you go then change your phone number so he can't harrass you. and don't tell him where youre moving to. the last thing you'll need is him showing up at halls...
Reply 17
14
Do it!!!!!! (leave him)
You will be so much happier for it and you can forget about this little saga and live your life again. YAY!
You will be so much happier for it and you can forget about this little saga and live your life again. YAY! Reply 18
hmmm, to be honest, what were you really expecting from a 'long distance' relationship in the first place?
You've also partially mentioned some of your past - ie college attendance (unless i'm assuming wrong and you were an independant A-level student - even then it can be used) and a previous 'boring' boyfriend... Along with your (apparent) lack of desire for this guy to actually move down here in the first place, 'I took it all with a pinch of salt' - you didn't have high expectations for this relationship in the first place if you thought that (see irisng's post). Therefore your either very niaive or there is something your holding back...
Plus, consider this idea;
The guy genuinely cares for you (ok, what you post contradicts this idea but 1. your more likely to have a biased opinion [due to not liking him right now, you could be seeking excuses to hate him] and 2. Well, i'll just call it stereotypes and cultural differences);
So, the guy meets a girl over the internet, becomes really close friends and eventually falls in love with the girl (if we assume the above statement is correct). The guy pays money to fly over and puts in a tremendous amount of effort to be with you. The guy (eventually) accomodates for your every need (well, except for the most part socialising and choice of residence - which a stereotypical guy is likely to do - showing some jealousy but still a desire to be with you). Now the guy is going to be dumped and left to sort his own life out in a foreign country - all because of a naive girl who was VERY young and who did not consider the effects of her actions. And to back up the guy's claims of loving you, you do not mention that he has an excessive desire to have sex (which is something you would include in such a thread, and something that could indicate that he does not love you and is in fact only with you for his own selfish needs).
Conclusion;
1. You have to dump him
2. You have to give him some support after you do - ie, make sure he gets back to his country safely
3. You need to review your actions. And you need to be more careful in future.
4. It is, for the most part, your fault that you are not enjoying university (not necessarily counting your actions at uni). And (could be wrong, and you could just be naive) i think you have some other issues that you haven't mentioned.
I hope the last paragraph will make you consider what exactally you have done. To be honest i feel sorry for this guy more than i do for you because he seems for the most part an ok guy (unless, of course, you want to post some more stuff that he has done, in which i wont bother looking anyway because i could just as easily refer to the fact that he flew halfway across the world to be with you)
You've also partially mentioned some of your past - ie college attendance (unless i'm assuming wrong and you were an independant A-level student - even then it can be used) and a previous 'boring' boyfriend... Along with your (apparent) lack of desire for this guy to actually move down here in the first place, 'I took it all with a pinch of salt' - you didn't have high expectations for this relationship in the first place if you thought that (see irisng's post). Therefore your either very niaive or there is something your holding back...
Plus, consider this idea;
The guy genuinely cares for you (ok, what you post contradicts this idea but 1. your more likely to have a biased opinion [due to not liking him right now, you could be seeking excuses to hate him] and 2. Well, i'll just call it stereotypes and cultural differences);
So, the guy meets a girl over the internet, becomes really close friends and eventually falls in love with the girl (if we assume the above statement is correct). The guy pays money to fly over and puts in a tremendous amount of effort to be with you. The guy (eventually) accomodates for your every need (well, except for the most part socialising and choice of residence - which a stereotypical guy is likely to do - showing some jealousy but still a desire to be with you). Now the guy is going to be dumped and left to sort his own life out in a foreign country - all because of a naive girl who was VERY young and who did not consider the effects of her actions. And to back up the guy's claims of loving you, you do not mention that he has an excessive desire to have sex (which is something you would include in such a thread, and something that could indicate that he does not love you and is in fact only with you for his own selfish needs).
Conclusion;
1. You have to dump him
2. You have to give him some support after you do - ie, make sure he gets back to his country safely
3. You need to review your actions. And you need to be more careful in future.
4. It is, for the most part, your fault that you are not enjoying university (not necessarily counting your actions at uni). And (could be wrong, and you could just be naive) i think you have some other issues that you haven't mentioned.
I hope the last paragraph will make you consider what exactally you have done. To be honest i feel sorry for this guy more than i do for you because he seems for the most part an ok guy (unless, of course, you want to post some more stuff that he has done, in which i wont bother looking anyway because i could just as easily refer to the fact that he flew halfway across the world to be with you)
Reply 19
To be fair to the lass, she didn't ask him to come. It isn't her fault that he felt more strongly about her than she did about him. What was she supposed to do when he turned up in the UK, say "sorry, go away, I changed my mind"? She has accomodated him for a long time and now she has realised that it isn't working. If he moved all the way over here for what was a internet relationship, putting all his eggs in one basket and expecting it to work perfectly, then he was just as naive as her.
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