Father problems

Well my dad is causing a lot of issues in my life at the moment.
My mum and dad divorced when I was 3, I used to see him every Sunday up until a year or two ago, he's never contributed to my life tremendously...he's always paid minimum child support (Infact when I was 16 I was still receiving the same amount I'd get when I was 3)...never done the things you'd imagine a dad doing...sports etc.

Okay so my mum and dad don't get along..or more whenever my mum tries to speak to him on the phone he just hangs up and insists she's bullying him.

I've always felt inclined to support my mum rather than my dad which is perhaps a little wrong but he did leave her for several other women a few days after my little brother was born...I try not to hold a grudge but it's difficult.
Have I painted a firm enough picture yet of the sort of person he is?

Right to the matter at hand. I recently got rejected from the uni course I'd been working towards for the past 4 years and have been really down, upset, deeply disappointed. Well I hadn't heard from him in at least 4 weeks, in fact i sent him a birthday card and didn't even receive a thank you...so as I wasn't particularly inclined to advertise my unsuccessful university application I didn't rush out and tell him.
So he rings last Sunday to see if me and my brother are coming out to see him..but I'm tied up with somethng so my mum answers and attempts to explain how i've felt upset about the situation and that he hasn't contacted me...so he hangs up half way through the conversation.
I next receive an email, quite condescending in tone and bullying in his approach telling me that he's disappointed that I didnt tell him etc and is unhappy with me.He also tells me to behave like an adult and stop hiding behind my mum which is completely ridiculous.
I'm wanting support from him not a constant rivalry. I receive more negative output from him than positive. I've told him this but it doesn't get anywhere and it's got the point where I'm thinking enough is enough...and that I don't need him.
People tell me i'll regret cutting him off when I'm older but right now he just isn't helping my life. I just don't know what to do.
Talking to him doesn't work.
Anybody have any advice?

Reply 1

Anonymous #1

..hmmm nobody at all..?

Reply 2

Anonymous #2

I know how you feel, your dad doesn't sound like he is being very supportive to you at all at the moment. I haven't seen my dad in 3 years & overall twice in 7 years, only get phonecalls at birthdays and christmas (which end up being about 2mins long), he doesn't know anything about me and I now am at this stage where I am not sure I want to see him again either. Its such a difficult situation to be in, I would say try and sort things out with your dad, email him if you can't seem to get him to stay on the phone long enough - write him a letter explaining how you feel, maybe he will realise how he is making you feel. Don't let his behaviour make you feel bad (although thats easier said than done)

Best of luck! - hope this helps even if only a little bit :smile:

Reply 3

TSR Group Staff

first off, i must say, why didn't you visit him/call him on his birthday? maybe he was expecting some sort of contact to try and celebrate the day...

on the other hand that's no reason for the negativity.

You should be old enough to visit him more (as long as he's not far away) and try to realise that he probably feels bad not being around for you for most of your life, even if he wanted to...

How does your mum feel? would she mind if you shut him out of your life or does she want you to keep seeing him?

Reply 4

prettyblueeyes

Perhaps write a letter, or if you're feeling up to it and will be able to keep yuor head, speak to him, and simply say that you feel like you don't get anything positive from your relationship with him and you need support, not criticisms, and that if he's not willing to give it then perhaps it's best if you perhaps don't see eachother as much/keep your distance as otherwise you feel the longer your relationship continues as it is, the higher the chance it's damaged irreversibly (ie you'll get to a point where you cut him out of your life completely). Also remember it's a 2 way thing, and you have to be willing to extend the olive branch on occasions so to speak, and not expect eachother to do all the running.

Reply 5

~NC~

I think you should let him know how you feel, because trust me even if you only have a little bit of contact and occasionally see him, its better than nothing. I havent seen my dad since i was 4, no choice of mine, and i miss him and would like to know what hes like. Although you see him now so you know what hes like etc i think you would be silly to compltetly shut him out...
As i said speak to him about the negativity he gives you, and perhaps let him know that you would like him to be perhaps a bit more fatherly...
Sorry if that ddint help, good luck :smile:

Reply 6

singh1987

Family important, make up with your dad before its too late. he is your dad at the end of the day!

Reply 7

matt@internet

Tricky situation. I think the people who tell you that you'll regret not talking to him are correct.
A little similar to my situation, except that my dad was a good dad for the most part. Unfortunately he was also an alcoholic. So in the end, when I was about 14/15 me, my brother and sister went to live with my mum permanently (parents divorced when I was 8). About 3 years ago I'd had enough of his constant drinking and threats to kill himself and always crying which of course made me depressed. So I stopped talking to him. Last November he died. You'll never know how much sorrow and regret (and after this I really try never to regret anything, even bad decisions) I feel about how I wasn't talking to him when he died.
So in conclusion, be the bigger man and make an effort. Explain to him rationally, send an e-mail if you like, about why you weren't happy about telling him about your university rejection, and requesting that he stops attacking your mum about things that are nothing to do with her.
Really, do try to make an effort to build some sort of relationship with your dad.

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