Spiralling out of control.

It's been 2 months and now my life seems to be spiralling out of control. We spent a year and a half together, not once had we argued, inseparable, always there for one another. We literally lived together. Her smile and laugh could bring the sun back out on my day no matter how I felt. People always used to say what a "good couple" we were, and no matter what, we both knew that it was something special.

Then University came.

We spent less time together. We tried, but to eat I needed to work. She did not seem to be able to understand this. The weekends we spent together were lovely, words truly can not describe how I felt...and still feel for her. We were to spend New Years together, alone in my flat, to catch up and spend time some quality time together. She had been talking more and more of engagement and I could not of been happier, because this was the girl that I loved. I already had the day planned out when i was going to ask her. I feel so stupid now, so betrayed.

Then she ended up in hospital :frown:

NHS had messed up an operation leading her to be literally paralysed in a bed for weeks. It was the middle of my exams and I travelled down to be there at her bed side. I wish I could of gotten there soon but exams restricted this possibility. Even though she was stuck in a hospital bed, she seemed so happy.

That was the last time I truly got to spend time with her :frown:

Not even a week after she got out of hospital, a month before Christmas, she started going out night after night, I'd never seen her like this before. She was happy though, so I was comfortable and confident that she was ok.

I couldn't bare to lose any more weekends away from her, so I left my job in hope I could get an evening job instead. It was Saturday and I was walking home, looking forward to talking to her, to tell her I would see her soon. I found out the day before my friend and her were preparing to surprise me as she was going to come down this weekend. My friend was setting it up so I would be in the right place at the right time, and she was going to be there, me and her for a romantic weekend together. However I thought it was strange how I didn't hear from her when she got in from her night out the night before, and hadn't heard from her at all in the day.

I got home. She pulled up internet video, and there and then, across the internet, told me she couldn't see me any more. Then she didn't feel the same way any more. That it wasn't my fault and I had done nothing wrong. Also that it didn't involve another guy.

It was so sudden, I never saw it come, there was no reason to :frown:

Have I just become so blind that I didn't see it coming. It's all my fault :frown:

And here I am now, 2 months later, thinking I had gotten over her. The first month was nothing but pain, Christmas and new years were destroyed because of my stupid emotions. But these last few days my mind is slowly but surely spiralling out of control. I can't stop thinking about her. I miss her dearly. I burst out in tears in lectures, at home on my own, in front of friends, without any warning, i don't even feel it coming on myself. My body just gives up. I feel so stupid, I thought I was so much strong mentally than this.

I miss her so much. I just wish I knew why it took merely a night for her, what seems, to of completely changed her mind.

And all I see now, the last memories of the girl I love, is her lying in a hospital bed, as I walk around the corner, in the utmost pain having to leave her. They are my last memories, and they hurt.

I don't know what to do. I don't sleep, therefore I don't wake up for my lectures. I don't eat, I hate meeting new people and my self-esteem and confidence has dropped dramatically. Part of me wants to continue with my life and get my degree and enjoy my time, the other part of me just wants to give up. I don't want to, but I just can't handle this pain any more.

I post this anonymously, not because i want to, but because I don't want those few who know me, to think any less then they do of me, because of these stupid emotions.

I'm sorry.

What can I do...

Reply 1

Montrose

All you can do is try and move on really. There is no lever to pull which will get her back, so you just have to try and get on with life. I know it's hard and it's an irritating reply, but it's usually the best way. Have you got any friends you can spend time with and enjoy their company more?

Reply 2

Misogynist

I understand your feelings.

But as the person above me said, There is no lever to pull to bring her back. Either mourn her loss, or rejoice because you've got more oppurtunity ahead of you.

Reply 3

Anonymous #2

This is so sad.
You know, it is true that time heals, and it will heal your hurt too. But you will feel the pain first. In the meantime, the above advice to try to distract yourself is good.
And you don't need to be ashamed or apologise. No-one would look down on you for having feelings - or if they did they aren't worth bothering with.