Personal statement opener help?

Is this a good opener for my ps? I'm applying for radiography.
"I first came into contact with radiography when I was 16, After being hospitalised for a few weeks. I found the way in which CT scans, angiograms and MRI scans were carried out fascinating."
Any suggestions are appreciated :smile:

Reply 1

Withengar

Oh, come on! That's nowhere near enough! You have to make it way more sappy!

"Since the dawn of mankind, human beings have always been obsessed with their own mortality. My first contemplation of my own brief existence happened when I was in my teens. Hospitalized for weeks, I came into contact with various fields of medicine. One that fascinated me the most was radiology, which I saw as blueprints of human lives..."

It doesn't have to be this exactly, but make it more grand and more enticing for the person reading it to continue reading.

Reply 2

claireestelle

Original post by Infamouspigeon

i dont think thats too bad an opener, as long as you don't go for i ve always wanted to do radiography its a good start :smile:

make sure you check out examples to give you some ideas http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/wiki/Category:Radiography_Personal_Statements. And be sure to talk about the patients and hospital environment itself :smile:

Reply 3

H0PEL3SS

Unless you've finished everything else, don't worry too much about the opening line. I did roughly 13 drafts with the same cliche opener until I changed it a week before submitting my application to make it fit with the rest of the PS.
While it does draw from personal experience, that second clause of "I found the way in which CT scans, angiograms and MRI scans were carried out fascinating." is fairly uninteresting.
If you're going to say that, you need to go on and talk about at least one of those in depth with an example later on.

Reply 4

Star Light

Don't be fooled by anyone that Personal Statements actually matter. Sure, you need to produce one, and it needs to have some information in it, and you should use correct spelling and grammar as it's a formal document. But don't obsess over it and make 13 drafts... The people reading it are looking for content (if they read it at all), they don't give a toss about the exact choice of adjective or if you choose short sentences or a comma...

All the tutors know that applicants get loads of help off the internet, their families, and experienced teachers. They can be impressed by the things you have done, but if they see a statement which really sparkles, they know you've got a really helpful teacher. Get the content in in a logical order, reflect why it's important content, check SPG, done.

Reply 5

Clearing and Applications Advisor

Original post by Infamouspigeon

Now that you've posted this sentence online you'll need to reword it to avoid tripping the UCAS plagiarism detection software. 2 matching sentences is enough to trigger an alert.

I'd suggest you stick with this for now and just get on with writing the rest of your PS - the opening paragraph is usually better to worry about when you are editing. Generally don't worry about "wowing" admissions staff - just be genuine and get straight to the point.

Reply 6

nulli tertius

Original post by Infamouspigeon

It was the best of X-Rays, it was the worst of X-Rays, it was the X-Ray of wisdom teeth, it was the X-Ray of broken feet, it was the epoxy of resin, it was the epoch of infra-red, it was the season of ultra-violet Light, it was the season of Darkrooms...

Reply 7

boods8897

Original post by Infamouspigeon

Not very helpful, but we were always told to avoid the words fascinating and passionate with a bargepole. Also the whole 'I've wanted to do this since I was 2' cliché.

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Reply 8

alleycat393

It sounds fine but as has been said before, now that you've posted it online it will trip the plagiarism software. With your intro you need to go straight into why the degree and why you want to study it at uni. Don't talk about anything that happened more than two years ago. Write in short simple and straightforward sentences. You don't need to be overly verbose and 'wow' the admissions officers. The suggestion that someone has posted above is a good example of someone who may come across as trying too hard!