The Student Room Group

How to avoid being thrown out by parents?

Sorry if it's long. It is complicated, and I wanted to expose the big picture...
If you are in a hurry, skip the first paragraphs and read from the sentence I underlined :smile:

I think that I never communicated properly with my parents, in the sense about myself and my life, my "personal problems"...
This is because I always wanted to "grow independently", in the sense of personal growth, lifestyle, morals, values, tastes, personality, interests, hobbies and the overall non-material side of myself. I have never spoken to them about my "issues" whenever I had any.

Now, before you think I'm a cold and detached person, I would like to compare my son-parent attitude to an image of childhood:
That of a child who plays with toys the parents give him, but doesn't want to be disturbed (by the parents) while exploring and enjoying the functionalities of the toys.
Today, I'm that child... and my life is the toys.

It seems that throughout time my parents have created a strong image of me and my personality... based on the little things they know about me; and the few things they see about me:
Unfortunately - and here I admit that I have some fault - great part of what they saw of me throughout my teens was based on... my material defects.
In few words, they always did the "house management" part.
Washing clothes, plates, chores, cleaning, fixing the bed before leaving to school, cooking, preparing meals etc.

When I'm outside home, on camp trips, holidays, with friends, etc. I'm probably the most careful person about such factors. I'm always organized, ready, clean, wash, cook... I even do the work for others.
But when I'm at home, I somehow "take my parents for granted" (in my mother's words this morning) - I just sit and read, study, watch TV or stay at the computer, anything... think about my issues, stay in my room, talk with my friends and do whatever had been my interests throughout all these years - and they would do all the "house management" part.
I simply got used to it! Probably, if I hadn't had any friends, I might have thought that all parents in the world are like that.

I recently started university. It was a period of great change, together with the pressure of exams and a myriad of other personal growth factors.
And at the same time, it seems that my parents startet to lay out plans about making me independent - in the material sense.
They started asking "do this", "do that", all the chores that I never did before etc. and well, when combining personal change issues with my parents new demands... all this amounted to doubled stress. I often got angry at my parents in the past few weeks.
I mean how can they expect me to suddenly change attitude during such a period?
Don't they realize that I have stress?

This morning I woke up and my mother spoke to me about "living in rooms for students". They want to chase me from home... And my mother started insulting me for my "lack of independence", and all the things that I failed to do at home all these years.
I got angry. Because I realized that they hadn't undestood me.

Now, I know that most of you will tell me to seize the opportunity and move out of the house.

But I'm asking you: how I could convince my parents to let me stay, so that I could gradually do what they want me to do - at least during undergraduate studies (not even 3 more years to go)?

Apart from the fact that they convinced me to stay at my hometown university (I had offers at some really good universities, but stayed here because of my parents - before deciding to stay here for university, I was actually ready to move)
...there are many practical reasons why I prefer staying in my old house.
Not parents material/household support. No, I can fix that!
Other things: Location, convenience, all my old stuff etc.

And look, I'm at university. I don't know how I could sustain all my other problems, objectives, both long and short-term goals, if I had to start worrying about moving.

I know some of you had to move; even against their will. I can understand that. And you succeeded and grew up.
But what I'm trying to say is... I don't want to do this while I'm already in the middle of university studies and had made so many plans about my "future" based on the fact that I would stay at my parents home for the next 3 years...

Please help :frown:

Thanks
Reply 1
Why not just do what they ask? It's the least you can do for everything they've done for you.
Reply 2
yep. It shouldnt be added stress, even though they've always done it you should help them out. You do take them for granted. You also shouldnt have gone to a particular university because of your parents. You should have done what would make you happy.
Reply 3
Just do what they ask from you! You live in their house, eat their food the least you can do is the chores yeah?
Reply 4
With respect to you, you need to grow up. Chores are the way of life, you're going to have to do them when you do eventually move out/ in with someone/ have a family, and you'll have a lot moreo nyour plate than just studying, or working as the case may be.

You've had it easy this far, look at that as a positive. What they're trying to do is bring you up to scratch with the rest of society- how many people do you know, friends etc., who don't do anything around the house to help? I don't know any. I do wonder, out of interest, do you pay to live there? I assume not, as you're a student and you seem to have very understanding parents. Just wait until you enter real-life when you've got bills to arrange, cooking, cleaning- of the entire house not just your own room, alongside having to work. If you don't get used to it now, as your parents are indicating, how on earth do you expect to survive [atleast respectibly] once you're on your tod?

Really, you've had it good for long enough- treat them with respect and stop expecting them to look after you; it's not going to last forever.
Reply 5
I'm not really sure what the problem is ... you're growing up, your parents want you to take more responsibility for yourself - fact of life, it happens to everyone. If you really want to stay at home then you need to start living like an adult - stop being so self absorbed and just do some of the things they're asking you to do. Doing a bit of cleaning, cooking etc isn't the end of the world, and believe me, you'd have to do a d**m sight more (AND have a heck of a lot more stress) if you were living away from home.

If you want your parents to treat you like an adult and let you live your life without interference, then you have to start behaving responsibly, which unfortunately means that sometimes you're going to have to put the needs of others before youself. I really can't understand why you're so resistant to helping at home ... My mum has supported and cared for me for many years, and now that I'm at uni I use the time that I spend with her as an opportunity to give her something back. On the rare occasions that I get to go home, I cook, clean, do laundry, do as much as I can to make her life easier. I enjoy doing it, and moreover I see it as the least I can do to thank her for the years that she's done that for me. You can't just go through your life 'taking' from your parents ...
Reply 6
Anonymous


Don't they realize that I have stress?



And no offence, but a degree isn't *that* much real stress - I know, I'm in my third year of one. Most of the stress of a degree is artifical and self created - eg if you don't get your work done on time, you stress, if you constantly compare yourself to others rather than working for yourself, you stress ... Absolutely pointless. What is stressful is keeping a roof over your head, paying bills for water, gas, electricity and various taxes - the real world is far less forgiving than the little bubble that is university.

Rant over ... sorry :redface:
Reply 7
Have you even considered that maybe your parents felt you should stay at home for uni as they realised you were incapable of fending for yourself? Now they are trying to get the message over to you. They won't expect miracles overnight, just start little and do a bit more every day.
Reply 8
You say that you didn't want to do chores because you were going through some "personal issues". That's fair enough - but what do your parents do when they're going through "personal issues"? Turn off the vacuum cleaner, leave the dishes festering in the sink and collapse onto the sofa? No, they carry on doing the housework, because they have to. And now that you're grown-up, and coping with uni life and work all by yourself, they're trying to make you grow and develop by giving you chores. It's a halfway house - they're not making you do all the chores that they themselves have to do - but they're helping you to get used to the real world - and in the real world, everyone has to do chores.
Reply 9
Just get on and do it. If you move out you have to do more. Living at home it is easier...there is a lot less stress. (not having to make sure you have enough money to pay for food/bills) You don't have to clean the whole house.
It's not that hard to combine studies and a few chores. washing up takes a few minutes. I'm sure you have a few hours spare a week to make sure things are tidy/clean and cooked.
Reply 10
I can see why your pissed off. If you wanted to do all your own chores and cook all your own meals etc you would have gone to a different university.

I think they have been extremely out of order for making you stay in your home town and then asking you to leave the house!

Ultimately though you need to try and stay so just try and do some of what they ask, but personally I would point out that it was them that wanted you to stay in the first place...
I think your parents are totally right. Just because they wanted you to stay at home doesn't mean they have to look after you like a 5 year old. It's utterly pathetic to be over 18 and not doing a thing around the house. Do you think your parents don't have any 'stress' and 'personal issues'? What do you think the students living in halls and houses do, hire a maid to clean up after them? I've lived away since first year and it's not that stressful at all, and that's having to do everything for myself. If you think having to wash a few dishes and vacuum is being hard done by, you're going to have a HUGE shock in the real world. Your parents should have had you helping out earlier, but now presumably you're an adult and you should stop making excuses about why you shouldn't do chores. Just do them.
Reply 12
Don't be such a friggin lazy git and do some chores.
Reply 13
How on earth are they supposed to understand you if you don't let them know what you're like?
maybe try talking to your parents.

if you say you are 'stressed' which as another person stated, a degree isnt very 'stressful' unless you make it so.

dont be so un-greatful. they've pretty much washed and cleaned you for all these years and you wont get off your bum to do even a few chores?

seriously grow up. If you're old enough to live by yourself then you should be mature enough to realise you need to help around the house.

If your parents ask you to do a chore when you have work to do, tell them you'll do the chore after you've finished your uni work and make sure you do it.
Hmm. Even staying at home, you should at least be washing your own clothes (and dishes you use) and making your own meals. Not always, but sometimes at least. However they should realise that it's partly their fault for not having you start doing these things much EARLIER. Really you should have been taking care of your own washing etc. from early teens at least. Also it's fine if your parents want to cook family meals - but you shouldn't EXPECT it as if being cooked for is some sort of right.

But when it comes down to it, here's the situation: You're an adult. It's their house. You either accept the way they want it to be, or you move out. Personally I'd go for the latter :smile:. You're not entitled to anything from your parents any more, you're not a child.
I have to say that it ultimately takes a lot less time to do the chores versus getting angry and having fights regardless of how unfair or monumental you think your chores are.

Also, the fact that uni is stressful, I understand, but if you don't learn to juggle multiple demands now, what is going to happen when you are living on your own looking for a job? NOW is the time to sort this stuff out.

Also, you may be suprised how liberating moving out of you home can be. I moved out (though not by choice and because my parents were very difficult) and redid college applications in a few days and spent quite a bit on money on them (they are US apps). The things I had to deal with, I promise you, were more stressful than your university course, and moving out of my house was the best thing for me. Granted, it might not be the same for you, but if you don't want to be hounded about chores, if you are on your own, no one can tell you that you should be doing this or that.
To be fair I used to get really, really angry about being made to do anything (especially garden work). But, err, I was about 15 at the time and I was a stereotypical angry teen anyway.

P.S. 1st year Uni isn't stressful :eek:. Not the workload anyway. It's a lot easier than the final few years of school, anyway.
Reply 18
I don't understand how you can go on about being independent when you clearly don't sound like it. You can't possibly be independent or have "grown independently" if your parents do everything including chores and what not.

I'm in my final year at uni, living at home, and doing your own chores really isn't that difficult... I can't really see an excuse for you not doing them.

I think you need to start pulling your weight a bit more, they really don't expect you to do as much as you think they do.