want my ex back - advice please!

My boyfriend broke up with me last week because he said his feelings for me weren't as strong as he thought they were and we didn't really connect with each other. He also said that he'd been unhappy in his life for the last month or so, and that the relationship had been contributing to that.

We'd only been together for about 4 months, and we didn't know each other before we got together. I feel that we started having sex too soon and forgot about really getting to know each other's personalities, so we started to feel like we didn't really know each other. Sometimes I wanted to ask him things like, 'what kind of music do you like?' but didn't want to draw attention to the fact that we'd been together a while and I didn't already know these things.

Also, I've had a serious long term r'ship before, and he's only had short flings, and although he said he wanted a serious r'ship, I don't think he really knows how. Anyway, I miss him and want him back in my life. I'm not pushing things or begging or anything like that, but we're going to meet up as friends soon, and I'm hoping that if I can show him I'm still the same person he was attracted to, and get to know him better without the pressure of being in a r'ship, he might want to give it another go.

Am I just fooling myself? :frown:

I really think we could have been great together, and still could if somehow I can get him to want to try.

What do you think?

(We're both 21 by the way.)

Thanks

Reply 1

purple_octopus

I'm kind of in the same position as you but you need to think really carefully about a couple of things:
- Did you both really connect properly? Did he have a point when he said you wren't really connecting?
- If by getting back together with him are you stopping yourself from finding the person who really is the right one for you.
- Are you missing him or the comfortablity of the relationship and all the nice things that come with being a couple?

Also, if he feels the relationship wasn't right would you really want to start up your relationship again with someone who's not completely happy in your company? By all means go and meet him as a friend but don't get your hopes up too high if he doesn't have the same intentions as you because you'll end up even more disappointed and hurt which doesn't help the healing process.

Good luck

Reply 2

xlouisedoll

I don't think you're fooling yourself at all - show him that you can be friends, take more time to get to know each other..and then maybe you'll be brought back together!

Reply 3

Spleh

My dear, I feel that this may be a folorn hope on your part. This chap has stated that his feelings towards you are less than is required to participate in a relationship with you. I suspect he will be less than willing to restart your relationship, but by all means make one last sally out of the castle gates - death or glory, eh what?

Reply 4

Meep!

Horrible when this happens, isn't it. Well, I've been there, and I went back out with my ex. Only to get more hurt than I was before. Just don't do it.

Reply 5

mc_hamster

damnthelackofnames

Horrible when this happens, isn't it. Well, I've been there, and I went back out with my ex. Only to get more hurt than I was before. Just don't do it.

Agree with that.

Reply 6

rosetinted

Yep you're just fooling yourself. He doesn't really feel much for you and there's nothing you can do to force someone to like you more. If he just doesn't feel it I'd say forget about going out with him and find someone who is really into you.

Reply 7

Scarlett_Jewel

hey.

whilst the circumstances are somewhat different, I would say I know where the OP is coming from. I sometimes pine for my exboyfriend, but history happened, unfortunately and I just have to shake myself out of it and accept that what is, is. It's annoying almost useless advice, but there's not much you can do: he finished with you; waiting for him to change his mind may make a lonely fool out of you. Be open to another progression with him, but don't dwell on him and explore other people :wink:

xxxx

Reply 8

Llamaaa

it seems to me that you know where you went wrong and you know how. That is a good start. Perhaps get to know each other as friends, that is if you can control your feelings for him, and then if you both feel a connection when you know each other better then you are in a good position to go out again. However, prepare yourself for being hurt. It's always a risk being friends with your ex, especially if you want them back, so if you do decide to attempt to get him back, just be careful and be prepared.

Reply 9

Sharp_Shooter

Thats life, **** happens. But theres always tomorrow, Get over it ...

Reply 10

Ron Stoppable

Holly Golightly

We'd only been together for about 4 months, and we didn't know each other before we got together. I feel that we started having sex too soon and forgot about really getting to know each other's personalities, so we started to feel like we didn't really know each other. Sometimes I wanted to ask him things like, 'what kind of music do you like?' but didn't want to draw attention to the fact that we'd been together a while and I didn't already know these things.

Also, I've had a serious long term r'ship before, and he's only had short flings, and although he said he wanted a serious r'ship, I don't think he really knows how. Anyway, I miss him and want him back in my life. I'm not pushing things or begging or anything like that, but we're going to meet up as friends soon, and I'm hoping that if I can show him I'm still the same person he was attracted to, and get to know him better without the pressure of being in a r'ship, he might want to give it another go.
...
What do you think?

That's simple! :smile:

Both of you have subconsciously programmed, from first-hand experience and second-hand data, different types of love into yourselves.

Do a little research and find out more because you can still transcend the difference and be compatible with him if you simply adjust your focus. Alternatively, I'm sure an expert on this psychological topic will be more than willing to regale you with a detailed explanation if you ask her nicely.

And, next time, find out musical taste in advance. It's a biggie for me and many, many others. :wink:

Reply 11

Sazarina88

Ron Stoppable

Alternatively, I'm sure an expert on this psychological topic will be more than willing to regale you with a detailed explanation if you ask her nicely.

Gosh! A detailed explanation :rolleyes:

Here goes...

There are 6 love types according to Clyde and Susan Hendrick. Their research has confounded many views about love and relationships, as they look at love styles, rather than phases or stages. So, if you're a certain type of lover, you'll remain that type of lover (unless you make a conscious decision not to be a particular way but generally we stay as a certain type) but it may manifest itself in different forms; e.g. Eros might be expressed sexually or perhaps non-sexually in terms of discussing issues or sharing projects.

Traditional views and models of relationships assume that we go through stages, where different feelings are lost at certain points. For example, once the first romantic phase (or honeymoon period) has passed, the emotional intensity and passion will die down.

The Hendricks strongly disagree with this, as is shown by their research. The 6 love types are as follows:

Eros = A strong physical attraction and emotional intensity. Eros lovers say that their relationship was meant to be. Eros lovers expect to be able to communicate well with their partner and spend a lot of time together. Sex is seen as a way of expressing love and Eros lovers work hard to resolve any conflict. If your partner is an Eros lover, embrace spontaneity and avoid routine.

Ludus = Relationships are seen as games to be played. Ludus lovers will often be secretive and non-committal. They enjoy the thrill of the chase and dislike partners who are possessive and clingy. They like to be able to do their own thing and dislike long discussions about the relationship. Sex tends to be an adventure. If your partner is a Ludus lover, don't expect them to meet all of your needs. Focus on having a good time together rather than deep and meaningful discussions.

Storge = Love is seen as a friendship. Partners are often seen as best friends. Storge lovers expect their partners to share their own values and interests. Love tends to grow gradually for storge lovers and they like to have the foundations in place to build a safe family life. Sex is likely to be more companionable than passionate. If your partner is a Storge lover, expect love and support. Value these qualities rather than the passion that might be somewhat lacking.

Pragma = These kind of lovers tend to have a shopping list of things that they want in a partner e.g. Are his/her career prospects good? Will my parents like him? For pragma lovers, sex is pleasurable but not necessarily exciting and is not likely to be a central part of the relationship. Pragma lovers are conventional, sensible and stable. If your partner is a pragma lover, focus on the need to provide and feel secure, while keeping an eye out for overly dramatic spending or behaviour.

Mania = This style may be seen as a symptom of love. An intense feeling alternating between ecstasy and agony. Mania lovers tend to fall in love quickly and intensely. They may also fear the worst but hope for the best from their partner. They are likely to fear rejection and have the need to be adored. Conflict tends to be fought out dramatically, followed by equally dramatic making-up. If your partner is a mania lover, try not to give them any reason to be suspicious as they will fear the worst. Remain stable and predictable.

Agape = Love is seen as sacrificial. These lovers place their loved one's welfare above their own. Often described as 'selfless love', Agape love is found gradually. Agape lovers expect mutual goodwill and support and like to feel part of a team. Sex is often seen as spiritual and a way to get closer to a partner. If your partner is an Agape lover, avoid selfishness and taking advantage.

Tada! A rundown of the 6 styles of love. If you want to know more, I got the above info from Psychologies magazine. There's an article on this including a quiz to find out your own love style. To be honest though, by reading the above you should be able to deduce what style you, or your partner, are.